What do you wish you had read/seen/listened to before beginning homeschooling?

[GoodnightMoogle]

On 3/12/2021 at 12:19 PM, Emily ZL said:

I know this thread is super old, but I would put in a plug for "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk." Not homeschooling, but one of the best parenting manuals ever.

Hey just because my thread is old doesn’t mean I died.

Thanks for the recommendation! I own that book as I found it useful when I had a stint subbing in elementary schools and it was recommended to me by another teacher. I need to read it again to really reinforce that language.

“You really want me to give you that lollipop. I’m not going to buy any candy today. Yes, I hear you. You are sad because you wanted that lollipop.” 
 

Ugh now I hear Janet Lansbury’s voice in my head. 
 

[Not_a_Number]

33 minutes ago, GoodnightMoogle said:

“You really want me to give you that lollipop. I’m not going to buy any candy today. Yes, I hear you. You are sad because you wanted that lollipop.” 

Now THAT one I know for sure wouldn't work with my kids, lol, because I've tried it. If I spend a lot of time talking to them about how I empathize with their struggles, they get way too hopeful than I'll give in, and then they stay upset much longer. Empathizing about "big feelings" works if it's an outside force causing it, but not if it's mean mama refusing to buy a lollipop 😉. In those cases, it's best to just tell them "no" kindly and send them off somewhere to calm down without my aggravating and mean presence. Not as a punishment, just as a break. 

I still need to try the fantasy thing, though! I've never tried that one at all. 

[GoodnightMoogle]

10 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

Now THAT one I know for sure wouldn't work with my kids, lol, because I've tried it. If I spend a lot of time talking to them about how I empathize with their struggles, they get way too hopeful than I'll give in, and then they stay upset much longer. Empathizing about "big feelings" works if it's an outside force causing it, but not if it's mean mama refusing to buy a lollipop 😉. In those cases, it's best to just tell them "no" kindly and send them off somewhere to calm down without my aggravating and mean presence. Not as a punishment, just as a break. 

I still need to try the fantasy thing, though! I've never tried that one at all. 

Maybe the fantasy part would be: “Man, don’t you guys wish we could buy all the candy and open our own candy store? If you got to open a candy store, which candies would you put in it?”

I think the goal is distraction from the big emotions of the impending tantrum. The fantasy thing actually does work sometimes in my experience! (Not always though). 
 

It’s been a while since I read the book but I remember feeling empowered by the idea that the author is giving us “tools.” It’s not just one parenting method, so to speak, but many different ideas on ways we can talk to our kids to help them through their feelings. They don’t always work, but they help sometimes! 
 

Also, in response to your comment about your parenting, you are definitely not a bad parent. Sometimes punishment is a necessary part of discipline. I think the tricky thing is finding out what works for each child. The fact that you care at all speaks volumes. 

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, GoodnightMoogle said:

Maybe the fantasy part would be: “Man, don’t you guys wish we could buy all the candy and open our own candy store? If you got to open a candy store, which candies would you put in it?”

I think the goal is distraction from the big emotions of the impending tantrum. The fantasy thing actually does work sometimes in my experience! (Not always though). 

That I definitely do. I'm actually quite good at distracting my toddlers from tantrums, thankfully -- it seems to come naturally. And it required totally different tools for my two kids, speaking of tools! 

I'll have to try the fantasy thing, for sure. 

 

1 minute ago, GoodnightMoogle said:

It’s been a while since I read the book but I remember feeling empowered by the idea that the author is giving us “tools.” It’s not just one parenting method, so to speak, but many different ideas on ways we can talk to our kids to help them through their feelings. They don’t always work, but they help sometimes! 

I do like that way of thinking about it! 

 

1 minute ago, GoodnightMoogle said:

Also, in response to your comment about your parenting, you are definitely not a bad parent. Sometimes punishment is a necessary part of discipline. I think the tricky thing is finding out what works for each child. The fact that you care at all speaks volumes. 

Thank you 🙂 . I appreciate it. 

We're currently kind of in a discipline-heavy season... it's a long story, and I don't think I have much choice, but I'm clearly feeling sensitive about it. (I have very stubborn kids. Apparently, I've been letting my gifted and stubborn DD8 get away with too much for too long and we're overdue for a course correction, but it really sucks.) 

[Clarita]

1 hour ago, Not_a_Number said:

Now THAT one I know for sure wouldn't work with my kids, lol, because I've tried it. If I spend a lot of time talking to them about how I empathize with their struggles, they get way too hopeful than I'll give in, and then they stay upset much longer. Empathizing about "big feelings" works if it's an outside force causing it, but not if it's mean mama refusing to buy a lollipop 😉. In those cases, it's best to just tell them "no" kindly and send them off somewhere to calm down without my aggravating and mean presence. Not as a punishment, just as a break. 

I still need to try the fantasy thing, though! I've never tried that one at all. 

I thought this one didn't work for a long time with my eldest, then read elsewhere that I may be dwelling on it too long. I usually tell him "No" then queue meltdown. I respond with "Are you disappointed?" "Yes" "I can offer you a hug and/or you can go to your room to process your disappointment." Keeping the empathizing short has worked miracles.

[Not_a_Number]

2 minutes ago, Clarita said:

I thought this one didn't work for a long time with my eldest, then read elsewhere that I may be dwelling on it too long. I usually tell him "No" then queue meltdown. I respond with "Are you disappointed?" "Yes" "I can offer you a hug and/or you can go to your room to process your disappointment." Keeping the empathizing short has worked miracles.

Yeah, I do that. But it’s just not magic like people had promised! She still always has to go calm down. I guess she knows I care, so that’s good.

[Lucy the Valiant]

I was a high school classroom teacher who was 100% opposed to home schooling and didn't even KNOW there were books / plans / instructions, LOL. The *single most convincing factor* for me, was actually meeting (when my children were just babies) some real-live-radically-awesome TEENAGERS who had been home schooled their whole lives. I was shocked. I later went on to find & read & deeply appreciate a handful of excellent books, but - those teenagers said far more to me as a young mom than any book ever could have. 

How thankful I am to THEIR mothers & fathers. 

Edited March 14, 2021 by Lucy the Valiant

[Not_a_Number]

1 hour ago, Lucy the Valiant said:

I was a high school classroom teacher who was 100% opposed to home schooling and didn't even KNOW there were books / plans / instructions, LOL. The *single most convincing factor* for me, was actually meeting (when my children were just babies) some real-live-radically-awesome TEENAGERS who had been home schooled their whole lives. I was shocked. I later went on to find & read & deeply appreciate a handful of excellent books, but - those teenagers said far more to me as a young mom than any book ever could have. 

How thankful I am to THEIR mothers & fathers. 

What made the teenagers so awesome? 😄 

[Clarita]

6 hours ago, GoodnightMoogle said:

I even have my little guy sleeping in a floor bed right now, much to my mother in law’s chagrin 😂 we will see how that pans out when he starts really crawling.

If she thinks it's a safety issue, my eldest figured out how to climb out of his crib (aka could launch himself over the railing) at 9 months old. At that moment I felt so guilty not having him in a floor bed.

[Not_a_Number]

On 3/12/2021 at 4:05 PM, Emily ZL said:

It's really excellent, I promise! Very practical! It's written with cartoons of what you want to say and what to say instead. There's a million examples, but one I used just today is, "give them their wish in fantasy." Your kid says she wants a granola bar but you don't have any, and yet she keeps screaming about a granola bar, and you're trying to nicely repeat some version of "I don't know how else to explain to you that I don't have one to give you" and yet she keeps screaming. Instead you say "I wish I had a granola bar. I wish I had a whole granola bar factory!! I wish I had one as big as a car." I swear, I dealt with crying kid for 10 minutes before I remembered this trick and the tears dried up in about 20 seconds. 

So, I just tried this with my 4 year old, without any success. She wanted to sit at the table next to her little cousin, but her little cousin requested that his dad sit next to him, and she had already agreed and "changed her mind" halfway to the other seat. I told her it was inconsiderate at this point to change her mind back... how would I make her wish true in fantasy in this case? I tried telling her that we could imagine an invisible DD4 sitting in the other seat, but this was a pretty poor attempt. The problem was that she knew very well that I had the ABILITY to make her wish come true, and that I was choosing not to. Is there a way to talk my way out of that one? 

[Clarita]

5 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

So, I just tried this with my 4 year old, without any success. She wanted to sit at the table next to her little cousin, but her little cousin requested that his dad sit next to him, and she had already agreed and "changed her mind" halfway to the other seat. I told her it was inconsiderate at this point to change her mind back... how would I make her wish true in fantasy in this case? I tried telling her that we could imagine an invisible DD4 sitting in the other seat, but this was a pretty poor attempt. The problem was that she knew very well that I had the ABILITY to make her wish come true, and that I was choosing not to. Is there a way to talk my way out of that one? 

In this case, I would be really clear to start off the conversation. "Thea seating arrangement decisions have been made. You had agreed to the seating arrangement; it is inconsiderate of you to change your mind at this point. I can not make anyone change seats at this point to make you happy." (make sure that last bit is understood. If they argue that you can because you are momma say something like "I refuse to make everyone miserable just to satisfy your whim." Change it to be less harsh depending on how you feel.)

I would actually make the fantasy part that she made the "correct" decision to start with (not the getting to sit next to her cousin. Like "You wish you had insisted that little cousin sit next to you huh? That would have been nice if little cousin could sit next to her dad and you at the same time." Or "Maybe you could convince little cousin to sit with you next time." I found that the fantasy for my child is more so the control of the situation rather than the actual situation (especially when he it's because he changed his mind).

[Emily ZL]

21 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

What made the teenagers so awesome? 😄 

We have so many teenagers at our Friday enrichment program, and they are fantastic! They tend to look you in the eye and speak to you normally instead of being surly and silent and unable to carry on a conversation with anyone who isn't their age. They also are often passionate and enthusiastic about life and their interests rather than today's sort of jaded and cynical teen. Of course, every child is an individual, but you can see it just looking at the faces and body language of teens -- at my polling place, which is a middle school, everyone looks like their dog died! But it's not like that when you see homeschooled teens together, especially the girls. They have a joyfulness and modesty and artlessness that is striking. Just my experience though! 

[Not_a_Number]

19 minutes ago, Emily ZL said:

We have so many teenagers at our Friday enrichment program, and they are fantastic! They tend to look you in the eye and speak to you normally instead of being surly and silent and unable to carry on a conversation with anyone who isn't their age. They also are often passionate and enthusiastic about life and their interests rather than today's sort of jaded and cynical teen. Of course, every child is an individual, but you can see it just looking at the faces and body language of teens -- at my polling place, which is a middle school, everyone looks like their dog died! But it's not like that when you see homeschooled teens together, especially the girls. They have a joyfulness and modesty and artlessness that is striking. Just my experience though! 

Interesting. The teens around here are definitely more comfortable with adults than is usual, and I like that 🙂 . But they also seem a bit more aimless, and some of them seem lonely, since some of their friends went to school. So it's a mixed bag, from what I've seen. But maybe it's different in different places. 

 

1 hour ago, Clarita said:

In this case, I would be really clear to start off the conversation. "Thea seating arrangement decisions have been made. You had agreed to the seating arrangement; it is inconsiderate of you to change your mind at this point. I can not make anyone change seats at this point to make you happy." (make sure that last bit is understood. If they argue that you can because you are momma say something like "I refuse to make everyone miserable just to satisfy your whim." Change it to be less harsh depending on how you feel.)

I was definitely firm but not harsh, because I wasn't mad at her -- the spot next to her cousin was her usual spot, and I didn't blame her for being upset. But then I had to repeat that she couldn't have what she wanted like 5 times (I almost never give in, but that doesn't stop my kids from hoping), and then I had to put her down in a quiet place to calm down, because she was disrupting the meal, and I told her (as usual) that her job was now to try to calm down, and that while I understood where she was coming from, I wasn't changing my mind and that it would be unfair to others to do so. 

And then she had to sit there for 5 minutes or so and get calm, which is usually what happens with a tantrum that I can't redirect her from. 

 

1 hour ago, Clarita said:

I would actually make the fantasy part that she made the "correct" decision to start with (not the getting to sit next to her cousin. Like "You wish you had insisted that little cousin sit next to you huh? That would have been nice if little cousin could sit next to her dad and you at the same time." Or "Maybe you could convince little cousin to sit with you next time." I found that the fantasy for my child is more so the control of the situation rather than the actual situation (especially when he it's because he changed his mind).

I think if I said "You wish you had insisted that little cousin sit next to you," she'd say "Yes!! I want to sit there!!" and that'd make things worse, because it would make me sound like I was hesitating 😞. She's very cognizant of the fact that I am in charge of this decision... that it's not like "we don't have one, sorry." So that changes the calculus for us. 

[Clarita]

4 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

And then she had to sit there for 5 minutes or so and get calm, which is usually what happens with a tantrum that I can't redirect her from. 

Even with the techniques she'll likely still need 5 minutes to deal with her disappointment. Redirection has never worked for me so the techniques reduced the "calm down" time from hours to minutes. 

 

4 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

She's very cognizant of the fact that I am in charge of this decision.

I've found the fantasy technique works better in situations where I don't have much control over the situation. In this case, it would be that other people would be disappointed and unhappy if I should change the situation to my child's whims. I am unwilling to make other unhappy on their whim.