Holiday Drama

[DoraBora]

I would try to handle it by setting up emotional and practical boundaries that would make the holiday a happy one for me and my guests.  It sounds to me like your brother really doesn't understand the work involved in hosting a holiday gathering -- why would he?  Also, you did invite him.  He may not realize(?!) that it wasn't particularly helpful of him to mention that they don't really care about the holiday in the first place or the part about reducing his Christmas obligations.  That was rude, but there really isn't much you can do about it.

I'm still reading the responses, so please forgive me if I'm repeating something that has already been said.

I would tell your brother that he and his guests should bring something to your potluck meal.  They can bring wine, mineral water, a fresh fruit or cheese tray (Are store prepared food items safe for your family?), prepared unsweetened tea, paper goods, bags of ice, etc.?  Think of some things you would like to have that will make the preparation easier for you and that they can easily purchase and bring with them.  Potluck or not, I would think any guest would expect to bring something (a hostess gift), so why not something helpful?

You can't change his attitude, or your feelings, which may be years in the making, but you can encourage him to contribute.  I would make it abundantly clear to your brother that you won't allow harmful foodstuffs to be served because it makes your children unhappy when they can't eat them.

[Laura Corin]

I wonder if your brother thinks that he is turning up for you, just as you think you are throwing the party for him.  He may be feeling just as put-upon as you are.  I would try to be more gracious than he sounded, but I would also try to find a way to be there for a shorter time to avoid getting crabby from social overload if your Christmas for the extended family was more than a few hours. I can be 'the fun one' but only in short sessions.

Edited October 15, 2019 by Laura Corin