Paz Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 My ds (19) will be coming home in Dec. and will be taking classes at our local community college. He will most likely be living at home. He is a great kid and we all get along fairly well. Please give me any advice and suggestions about how you do or would handle and adult child living at home. I would like to treat him like an adult and give him to freedom to come and go but the college schedule seems to be late night. I don't know if I can handle 3 a.m. weekends as I tend to wake up fairly easily. Also, if he could afford to live in an apartment with a little bit of financial help from us would you recommend that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in the Kootenays Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 If it was my adult child moving home, I'd want to have a frank talk about adult responsibilities in a family. I've seen kids think that being an adult in a home means not being responsible for helping out or for letting people know what they're doing - things that most adults assume is common courtesy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KatieJ Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 (edited) I have had older children living at home while going to school, some went better than others. For late nights, I would leave a light on in the kitchen or back hallway when I went to bed. If I would wake up and the light was on, I could then decide to get up and call them and find out where they were, or pray for them and go back to sleep. They were very quiet when they came in and I rarely heard them, even when one was sleeping across the hall. You do get used to them coming and going to a point! We did choose to pay the rent for a small apartment for one of our daughters. She was paying for school and covering her other expenses and we paid her rent while she was in school. It worked out great for us. However, my 3rd child was not so responsible with his money and planning and well, let's just say it was more difficult with him and I would never pay rent for him no matter what. I suggest you think about what kind of expenses you are comfortable paying for him. If he is paying tuition and books for example, who is covering his other expenses..gas, notebooks, personal items like deoderant, haircuts, clothing.. ASk yourself how independant do you want him to be. One more person at home adds to the cost of running your home and don't discount that. Because of how our 3rd acted when he was here and going to school, we made some changes with number 4. We cover tuition and books and car insurance and car repairs. Ok, that's a lot of help already! He pays for his own expense for personal items for his bathroom, clothes, hair cuts, gas..etc. I want him to be more aware of what life costs and not just have his money spent on having fun. And then there are chores..how much will you expect him to help out at home,say with mowing the grass..shoveling snow, taking out the trash, cleaning his bathroom, that kind of thing. Who is going to do his laundry? Life attitudes change when they are over 19 and making more of their own decisions and especially if they have been away from home for a time. Edited November 14, 2008 by KatieinMich Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 It's not a parental mandate, but I do think it's good to help kids with college if you can afford to do so, and I am surprised that anyone would think this would be a bad thing to do. As long as my child is a full time student making decent grades and working towards reasonable goals, I want to help him. Okay, maybe not a 28 year old full time student, but at 19? Sure. Even going to school part time and working, I would help at this age if I could. I personally would not allow any adult to live with me and keep really late hours, coming and going as they please. My MIL lived with me last year for a while, and she's definitely an adult. But if she wanted to stay out until 3:00 am, I probably would have told her that that won't work well for our family. That's just my personal preference. When my son is home from college for the summer or holidays, he understands that it would be an abuse of hospitatily to stay out all night that way - he can do that in college, but not at home, and that's just a matter of respecting our household. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 My ds (19) will be coming home in Dec. and will be taking classes at our local community college. He will most likely be living at home. He is a great kid and we all get along fairly well. Please give me any advice and suggestions about how you do or would handle and adult child living at home. I would like to treat him like an adult and give him to freedom to come and go but the college schedule seems to be late night. I don't know if I can handle 3 a.m. weekends as I tend to wake up fairly easily. Also, if he could afford to live in an apartment with a little bit of financial help from us would you recommend that? I would have a written contract, outlining housekeeping, laundry, food, meals, vehicle, car insurance, health insurance responsibilities. I'd also have in writing what happens if rules of courtesy are broken. No, I would not assist a grown child with rent. But I would insist on help, financial and/or physical while they lived with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 My sister came to live with us after she graduated high school. It was an eye opening experience. She had just turned 18, and my dh and I are 12/13 years older. It's been dificult. I think we all had expectations, and none of them were correct. I love my sister, but she was just 5 when I moved out of our parent's home. I didn't really know her before she came to live with us. I'm sure it's been just as challenging for her as for dh and me. We've learned to have lots of honest, open talks with each other, and that's helped tremendously. Not to mention, lots of prayer. :) I think she was at a very difficult age when she moved in, where she wanted all the rights of being an adult, but hadn't a clue of all the responsibilities. And I think dh and I just assumed that she knew what responsibilities an adult has. So we talk. A lot. And everyone gets on everyone's nerves sometimes, and we disagree, and we apologize, and we grow. I'm sure that's different than having your own child move back in. But mine are 5 and 2, so that won't happen to me for quite a while. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiver0f10 Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 (edited) I have an 18 yo and a 19 yo living at home. My 19 yo is not in school and is working full time. She comes and goes as she pleases, but lets me know if she will be out very late. We have a rule that as long as they are in college they live here rent free, but if they choose to not go onto school and live here they have to pay rent, so my 19 yo pays a small amount of rent and she pays for her own TV service, cell phone, insurance etc. She is free to eat what I cook, but usually ends up buying take out. She helps out with watching the kids if I need to run an errand or she might drive them somehwere, but she doens't do any household chores other than keep her room clean and her own laundry. My 18 yo on the other hand doesn't pay rent and he doesn't have the time for anything but college, home work and the few hours he works on the weekends at wal-mart. We help him as much as we can finanically, but he is paying his own way through school. I do his laundry and make sure he has a hot meal when he gets home. He doesn't do any chores either but he will help out as needed when he is available and helps his bothers keep their room tidy ( sort of lol) Edited November 14, 2008 by Quiver0f10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RebeccaS Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 Chris lost his job when our first was 6months old. He put out resume after resume and took temp jobs while he looked for something permanent. Anyway, long story short, we ended up moving in with my parents about 15months after he lost his job (and in that time we had an unplannedj, untried for, pregnancy to boot so we were really up a creek). It was hard on us, but I think on me the most. I was used to having my own place and it was difficult to share woman space with my mom again. But, basically, we lived there rent free while we tried to get back on our feet (and it worked out well-Chris finally landed a great job about four months after we moved to Ohio). While we were there, we were responsible for our phone bills and I bought groceries, too. Both my parents worked at that time, so I took over the cooking and cleaning. We didn't have any written contracts, we just sat down to have a conversation about how we would work things. When we moved out to our own home, we paid my parents back for all the months of rent free living they extended to us. They were truly a blessing to us in our time of need. I think I would have hated having them help us pay for an apartment, though. Somehow that would seem even worse than living at home again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paz Posted November 14, 2008 Author Share Posted November 14, 2008 Some additional information: We payed for a private school tuition and room and board this semester. He did his share by getting great grades in h.s. so as to get some good scholarships. His next semester at the CC will be free due to Scholarships, as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 I personally would not allow any adult to live with me and keep really late hours, coming and going as they please. My MIL lived with me last year for a while, and she's definitely an adult. But if she wanted to stay out until 3:00 am, I probably would have told her that that won't work well for our family. That's just my personal preference. When my son is home from college for the summer or holidays, he understands that it would be an abuse of hospitatily to stay out all night that way - he can do that in college, but not at home, and that's just a matter of respecting our household. It would really depend on the reason for staying out late. I used to work a late 2nd shift that got out at 2 am. The woman I rented a room from (in a house where she lived) didn't have a problem with that. I often went to a movie afterward, and sometimes stayed up once I got back "home" until 5 or 6 am. I tried to be quiet for everyone else in the house. I just couldn't go to bed as soon as I got home. I wasn't tired yet. I also worked 3rd shift for a while one time when I moved back into my parents' house. They didn't have a problem with me leaving late at night for work, and returning early in the morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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