Help me think through this..

[MomSchool5]

I am struggling so much with what I should do.. I have 4 children, the youngest isn't school age yet. My oldest is 13 and different. I pulled he and his brother out after their 3rd and 1st grade years (the younger one is 11). My oldest is bright. His 3rd grade teacher told me that he has such a bright brain and she hoped he could challenge him and he wouldn't be bored. Well, all they did that year was TAKS test practices. What a wasted year. He is very bright and math and science and his writing has come a long way as well. He got state recognition for his ACT scores last year through Duke Tip. He loves computers and is having a blast with the Alice 2 program (I found a textbook that takes him through it.) But.. I am really starting to worry about him socially. He has always been quiet and reserved and doesn't mix with his own age. He has to REALLY get to know someone before he will talk to them. He is also VERY small for his age (my 11yo is taller). I think he would have been bullied horribly in middle school. But I am really starting to have trouble with him this year. He has gotten sneaky and is doing things behind my back, especially with the computer and has lost computer priviledges multiple times over the last few months. He has always been my follow the rules type of guy, very respectful. But now he will say yes, mam and then do what he wants on his own time... :confused: I know that he needs more freedom at 13 than he did earlier, but where do you draw the line? He knows WAY more about computers than I do. He changed our administrator account!!! He likes computer games, but only gets to play with his brother on weekends and they play games like Lego Star Wars. He doesn't fit with our youth group at all and so doesn't go. They all have cell phones (he doesn't) and playstations/WII etc. He is only allowed on the internet when I am in the room (we have one computer in the playroom) and they visit Lego sites, Plugged In, ESPN, the Olympics sites) But he seems to have gotten so moody and anti-social. I am also having trouble keeping up this year with school. He is almost through Algebra I, taking Biology, TOG, LRTEG (he loves this..very logical to him) etc. He loves difficult subjects and has immense qualities of concentration. My 11yo on the other hand thinks anything that takes longer than 10 minutes takes forever and HATES math with a passion. He is also bright, however and I was surprised that his 5th grade test scores were actually better than my oldests at his age with the exception of math. If I don't constantly check him and his work, he won't do it. One day he had to do 3 days of math in one day because no computer games until it was done for the weekend. Just like piano and competitions, he doesn't work unless he has a deadline. Then I have a 1st grader I'm trying to teach how to read and a toddler. I'm emotionally and intellectually drained trying to do this. My oldest would like to stay home for high school (he's in 8th grade). My 11yo has never really liked homeschooling and would like to be with friends. Ok, that is another issue. They have none!!! We belong to a co-op and attend church, but in our church there is only one boy their age the rest are high schoolers or elementary. They will play flag football with our homeschool group again this year, but we just don't seem to connect with any of the other boys... I'm not sure why. I forgot they do have 2 friends but both are 6th grade, so no one my oldest boys age. As I said, we do co-op and sports. My 1st grade girl is a social butterfly and has tons of friends. My 11yo mixes with others well and does have those 2 friends, but oldest has none. I am scared to death about high school. How in the world can I keep up with my oldest?? Doesn't he need to mix with others. He just seems to be so anti-social... But he is so advance in math and science, he would probably be taking some things over again in 9th.. He just isn't like other kids and I guess that is ok, but he has had me in tears many times over the last few weeks making me wonder if I have ruined him by homeschooling him. How will he ever fit in the real world and not have a job and go home to his apartment and spend all day on his computer.... He seems problems with going into to much detail. During the Olympics, he was looking at it on the internet, watching everything he possibly could. Now it is football. If it is Alice, then he goes whole hog on that. But you need balance. How will he have balance when I'm not there making him???

 

Mara

[LN in WI]

I don't have any helpful advice, but I will pray for you and your son.

 

Ellen

[Chris in VA]

First of all, no, I don't think you've ruined your child! You've probably prevented some deep heart wounds by homeschooling him instead of sending him to the pirahhna fest that is middle school. You are blessed to have such an intelligent, hard-working child who obviously has a love of learning. It can be troubling, however, to see a child who is not interested in forming friendships with other kids.

 

Mara, is your oldest on the autism spectrum? I know, the A word can be so scary. And, I am not qualified to diagnose, of course. Just wondering if you've ever considered he may be an Aspie--the social stuff fits, the deep concentration on topics of interest, the "different" description. Aspies can be extremely bright, and experts in their field--your description of his whole hog approach really does fit. Of course, the moodiness sounds like 13.

 

I think it would be worth exploring. As far as academics as he ages, I'd either find a great tutor, let him go to community college (the crowd may be nicer there than high school), or seek out some online courses. You say, though, that he has lost computer priviledges--because of inappropriate stuff? A lot can fall into that catagory. Don't need to know, but I'd find some way of fixing that. To change your personal admin stuff is pretty severe, imo. It might mean no computers at all, not just for a week, but for a month or more. And get to the bottom of the infraction.

 

I'm sorry I don't have more for you. Can your hubby get involved more? Seems there's a lot going on.

[MomSchool5]

No, I don't think he is an Aspie, though I don't know much about it. He looks me in the eye, laughs. We can have great conversations. My mom adores him and has great conversations with him. We went on an overseas mission trip (just him and dh and I) and he didn't hang around me, but hung around the college interns. He thought they were so cool as well as the youth ministers on the trip. Now he didn't say much, but just smiled and took it all in and did talk to them if they asked questions and such, but not an initiator. But I always knew where he was, glued to their sides. One of the interns was a Baylor guy who was great with all sorts of people, including my son and really drew him out some.

 

As far as the administrator issue. He got tired of it asking for my password everytime they try to get on plugged in or if they put in TT7, i have to give permission, really any cd that gets put in there. So while my user was on he went in and changed it so he could do that. (I wouldn't have a clue how to do that!!!) The other issue has been get off the computer (he is organizing our photos or other non bad thing, but I just think he doesn't need to spend all of his time on the computer) After the punishments he has gotten better. I keep having talks about balance. No, making a Roxio video of our trip or playing with Alice to figure it out or looking at ESPN online isn't bad (we don't have cable so this is how he gets updates on sports stuff) but at the same time rooms need to be cleaned, puppies walked, enjoying time with the family needs to take place. What he is doing is for the most part productive, but he just needs balance.

 

Mara

[momof3gifts]

This is for what its worth but as scary and exhausting as it is I personally wouldn't put him in high school. They can be ruthless to those who are different--even back when I was in school.

 

My thoughts were to give him plenty of opportunities to meet and be around those his age but at home if he is meeting his other obligations not turn his one passion into a battleground.

 

Are there youth groups at any other churches in town? They usually welcome visitors to come and stay if they are happy there. Maybe a church that has a large number of homeschoolers who are members?

 

Just some ideas. This is definitely difficult but I agree with Mara that homeschooling has probably saved a lot of heartache for him and you.

[sagira]

First of all, :grouphug:. If it's any comfort to you, my SIL is in high school right now. She's gifted, and always has attended public school and has done some afterschooling through Stanford Math. She's the most anti-social person I know. People like her, she's very nice when you meet her (albeit very quiet), but invite her to a birthday party and you're not family, and she'll say no. She avoids all parties, social gatherings and grits her teeth at family weddings. Her mom, my MIL, is similar.

 

What I'm saying is, it may be a throwback in genetics to someone in your family, or it could be just the way he is. If anything, I think homeschooling would have provided a benefit as opposed to a con. Hang in there and keep trying to expose him to opportunities. My BIL, 26, took years to finally open up and talk. He's never had a girlfriend. It could be his personality. Sounds like your other dc don't have a lack of friends :)