JAWM Too much family for Stressmas

[saw]

JAWM please. I know I'm being ungrateful and selfish but I really cannot take anymore. I have spent literally every single Christmas of my entire life with my parents. And not just Christmas Eve/Day, at least a week or even three weeks of the holiday with them visiting us or us visiting them. My parents are wonderful, kind, generous people. But I would really really like to have the choice of not spending Christmas or summer vacation with them. I could say no and refuse, but it's clear that they would be so very hurt that I just cannot do that.

They're here again for three weeks this time (not staying with us thank goodness) and I'm just done. Last year they agreed not to come, after the episode two years ago when they were here for Christmas, along with 13 other relatives, two months after my divorce was finalized and I had moved into a new place. This was so clearly stressful for me that my mother said they would skip last Christmas and do something else. They changed their minds and asked to come, and of course I said yes, because how do you say no? They have been supportive of us in the last few years, which have been very difficult, providing financial and emotional support etc.

 

But it's just too much. It seems like every vacation I've had in the last three years has been a command performance -- spending two weeks at a reunion at the horrible ex in laws, two months before the divorce, with most people not knowing what was going on. Then when I decided, after the 15-person Christmas, that the kids and I would not spend our summer holiday with my parents, my mother decided that they would join us on our holiday. And then decided that it would be a celebration of my father's 75th. And then decided that my father didn't want to go to where we wanted to go, but wanted to go to Hawaii. They were extremely generous and paid for flights and an apartment, but then made sure my SIL had the better of the two apartments they rented for my brother and me, because she needs to be indulged in every way or she makes my brother's life miserable. So four kids and I crammed into two bedrooms, SIL and co had three bedroom and the ocean view. SIL's kids need to be indulged in their every whim or they go running to my brother, who then complains to my mother. It was so awful that on our last day I fell apart at the airport and just burst into tears at security.

 

This year my dd sings Christmas services in a major cathedral choir for the only time, so I had to agree to my parents coming because otherwise dd would have been hurt.

It's not that my parents do anything that's terrible, they're wonderful. They're also getting older and I know there may not be many more Christmases. But they are getting older and it's difficult to deal with helping my parents with stuff when we're out with my 8 yo, and my mother tends to cross boundaries and discipline/indulge my children when it's really my job. She also buys loads of stuff for them for Christmas, which drives me nuts, but I can deal with that (just wish she wouldn't have bought them Christmas pajamas -- I look forward to doing that every year). They don't like doing Christmassy stuff, which I love, and it's just about having a Christmas dinner, going to church but not paying much attention to the religious aspect and buying loads and loads of presents. I can do the Christmassy stuff, with or without them, but it feels like I'm the only one trying and I don't have much energy to spare. I think that's what makes it so difficult. I would like to do Christmas in my own way, with our own traditions etc., but it's difficult when you're still celebrating Christmas with your parents.

 

I just have so much stuff going on -- four kids each doing something completely different this year, a job search, a mentally unstable xdh (as in, not allowed to have overnights with DS until the New Year because he had another breakdown), etc. Anything extra to deal with, no matter how little, is just too much.

 

Anyway, rant over.

The good news is I just got a job (yesterday) and so now I will be financially more independent and will not need to depend on my parents for financial help. And this summer we have to do a college tour for DDs and, because of my job, will probably not have time to spend our holiday with them. Although my mother will undoubtedly offer to join us for the college tour and "help".

 

 

 

[Love]

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Edited November 19, 2015 by Love

[Impish]

I guess my question is, it seems that no matter what happens, someone is going to be upset/unhappy. You or them.

 

It IS ok to decide that you deserve to have the Christmas that makes you happy. You can't control how other folks feel or react, but you can decide that you get to enjoy the holiday you want, with your kids.

 

It sounds like you simply need space, autonomy, independance. And, frankly, if you don't take steps to get that, it may well lead to long lasting negative impact on your relationship w/your parents. in order to preserve the positive relationship you do have, I think you need to start making choices that are what you need to happen, vs what someone else wants to happen, if that makes sense.

 

Your boundaries are about what you need. They're not about hurting others. It's not only ok to have boundaries, but it's healthy to have them.

[PinkTulip]

You have my hugs and sympathy- even really great and well-meaning people can raise the stress level at this time of year!

[Eagle]

Three weeks is a looooong time. Fortunately they aren't staying with you. I completely understand wanting to have your own Christmas with your own plans. I think you should go ahead and do that, and allow them to participate if they wish in activities you choose for them to be part of. They don't need to be a part of *everything*.

[catz]

Maybe SIL has boundaries?  Maybe she realized having her kids on top of her in a condo would drive her nuts.  I think you need to learn to stand up for yourself.  Honestly, it's hard to feel sympathy for a free vacation in Hawaii.  But you know what, it's ok to say no if that doesn't work for you.  "I'm sorry, that won't work for us this summer".  How about if they show up 3 weeks for Christmas and stay with someone else, schedule maybe 6-8 times to get together with them and say that's all you can do at this time.  Boundaries are healthy, but you need to set them up and enforce them.  No one will do it for you.  And when you don't say anything, people can't read your mind and assume you're ok with what is going on.  It's ok - just say no.  Believe me, it took me YEARS to really take the reigns on this in my own life.  But I think everyone is happier for it.  I still have a good relationship with my parents, but my immediate family comes first.  I have a relationship with my brother, but it's very casual and impersonal and for the most part, when my parents are setting up get togethers.

[saw]

Thank you all. This was exactly what I needed to hear. I need to set boundaries and recognize that this may come with consequences, but it's better to set boundaries than not. I guess I just figured that as long as my parents are doing what they do because they care and want to help, that I shouldn't set boundaries as that would be selfish. They don't realize that they are the cause of much of my Christmas stress and, I think, genuinely believe that their presence is helpful.

 

A while back I decided to cut off contact with my brother and SIL for the time being, not that we had much contact before, but I unfriended them and decided not to have anything to do with them for the next year or so. That felt really good! Of course they haven't noticed and won't.