book recommendations for developing assertiveness/avoiding being a victim?

[iamonlyone]

Our nearly 20-year-old daughter has always been the kid to get picked on. She left for college at 17, finished the program she was pursuing, and is now a trainee with a ballet company in a city far from home. She is competent and independent, living on her own, working evenings after the dance program, etc. However, she seems like a magnet for meanness. She gets the comment that she is "so nice" and that people can just do or say anything and she doesn't get mad. This is true, but she would like to change some patterns and learn how to be kind but also to draw boundaries.

 

My husband was "that kid" too. So I definitely think this is a personality thing. He broke out of that bullying cycle by late high school, though, and doesn't have any trouble being assertive with rude people at this point.

 

I first thought of counseling, but she dances from 9-4 then drives to work until 11, Monday-Saturday. So her time is at a premium. My husband suggested finding a book on the topic, which she and I both think is a great idea. Have any suggestions?

[fraidycat]

I've not personally read it, but one book I've seen recommended on here dozens, if not hundreds of times (people seconding and agreeing to the rec) is Boundaries.

 

http://www.boundariesbooks.com

 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0310247454/ref=mp_s_a_1_sc_1?qid=1415168658&sr=8-1-spell&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70

 

1300+ reviews on Amazon and rated 4.5 stars. It's on my "to read someday" list, but I'm pretty good at putting my foot down when I need to so my interest is more in helping others (family members and friends who need to learn to say no more) when I get the time to read it.

[iamonlyone]

Thank you! I'll have to request that one from the library. Like you, I have seen it recommended often but have never read it and did not think of it in this instance. Glad you mentioned it.

[iamonlyone]

OK, I just spent some time researching. In case anyone is looking for similar help. I think we'll try "Stand Strong" by Nick Vujcic and, maybe, "Speaking the Truth in Love—How to Be an Assertive Christian" by Koch. These seem to deal more with the bullying aspect.

[gardenmom5]

Thank you! I'll have to request that one from the library. Like you, I have seen it recommended often but have never read it and did not think of it in this instance. Glad you mentioned it.

 

there is also a workbook to go along with the boundaries book.  you might want to pick that up for her.

 

you can pick up a used one on amazon for $4 INCLUDING shipping.

 

 

eta: I do want to add that projecting an aura of self-confidence, can seriously reduce bullying.  (bullies are cowards, and look for someone who seems 'weak') I don't want to go into details - but I speak from experience.

[iamonlyone]

Thanks for sharing what you learned firsthand!

 

I tried to coach dd as she grew up, and she does a pretty good job of trying to address issues with people (not just being a doormat) and a great job of involving someone in authority when things get out of hand.

 

She and my husband are both quirky and creative and, for dd, it seems people either enjoy her fun, unique personality or find her annoying. She is a wonderfully kind young woman, but gets flack for just "stuff" that is part of her and in no way needs changing.

 

She will have to live with this certain group of girls for the next couple years (trainee house), so distancing herself isn't an option. That's why she is looking for specific tools in how to develop the assertiveness that tends to put off bullies.