What to do when one DD is always in the other DD's shadow... a little long

[umarider]

DD12 is one of those kids who KNOWS what her skills are... she's tall, willowy, intelligent... She never tries anything that is outside of her skill area unless forced, so she always seems to be good at EVERYTHING. She's not the driven kind of kid who wants to win at everything, but to outsiders (and her little sister) things come really easily to her. (Ballet, gymnastics, art, all areas of school, etc.)

 

DD9, on the other hand, is average height, has a little baby-fat, slightly dyslexic (it is under control, she just needs to go at things differently), average at school work, etc. DD9 used to do gymnastics & ballet because her sister was already doing them, so it was easy to just have both kids do the same thing.

 

Then I LOOKED at DD9 and realized she'd be hitting some walls physically pretty soon in those activities that demand certain body types. So when she expressed an interest in horse riding (a long-dormant passion I share) I was excited for her to have something that was all her own. She wouldn't need to be in her sister's shadow! DD9 has been riding since April and is doing well. Nothing stellar, but she's been invited to join the pony club at our barn and is now jumping, etc. (tiny jumps).

 

DD12 was fearful of riding since having a bad experience when she was 7. She's come to the barn w/ us a lot and after months of being around horses, finally said that she'd like to do a few lessons just to prove to herself she could conquer this fear. Well, it's been about 6 weeks, and guess what? She's already showing signs of strong talent at riding (her instructor pulled me aside to tell me this), and has been talking about giving up ballet and switching to riding!

 

So here is my problem: One part of me wants to keep riding as the special area of DD9, who NEEDS something/somewhere that she can excel. On the other hand, what kind of parent would I be if I told a kid w/ talent that they couldn't pursue/develop that talent, not because of finanacial concerns, etc, but rather because it would cramp little sister's ego?

 

How do I make this work for both kids? DD9 always feels so inferior to her sister (funny thing is DD9 has the long blond hair, big blue eyes, etc., but is blind to her looks) Like so many of us, DD9 focuses on her shortcomings and needs lots of support from her family to feel good about herself.

 

Help!

[Karen sn]

I think it's just life and better for the little sister to figure it out now. Some people really are good at everything and if we learn to be happy for them and find our own happiness we will be better off in the long run.

 

Please do not punish older dd just because younger sis has issues.

 

My mom always made me do everything with little sister (2 year age difference). I couldn't even have my own friends and had to include her in EVERYTHING. I was forced into making huge sacrifices for her well being.

 

Fast forward a few years and I am the one working weekends while she gets to be a cheerleader and do all kinds of school activities that I was denied. I feel that I was punished for being pretty (I had no idea I even was) and outgoing.

 

Life is like running a race - there are always people crossing the finish line before us.....but there is always someone behind us as well. The point is to run it. Life isn't fair - and we are not all equal. We are different. Your younger dd has her own talents and she will develop them without your needing to hamper the older dd's talents.

 

We do not know what the future holds and I would hate to see a child denied the right to explore and develop her talents because another child might not be as talented. Who knows....older dd may become an expert rider and younger dd may become an excellent vet who works with all the horses/horse people that older dd exposes her to.

 

And they will grow up - both happy and both finding their niche, and no resentment anywhere.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Like so many of us, DD9 focuses on her shortcomings and needs lots of support from her family to feel good about herself.

 

 

 

Maybe you need to have more little talks (interspersed into daily living) about how we need to feel good about you we ARE, not what we can DO. Is your DD9 kind, compassionate, a hard worker? If you are a Christian, and your daughter is one too, how does God see her? Those are the kinds of things to base your self esteem on.

 

The things we do can give us satisfaction for many reasons. There is an appropriate satisfaction in a job well done. There is also a satisfaction in doing something that is really hard for you but sticking with it and doing it anyway. There is a satisfaction in doing somethings not so well but you still just enjoy the doing! I know a man who sings very badly but he loves to sing so much that he keeps on doing it (publicly)- we all hold our ears (inwardly at least) but we still smile and smile to see his very obvious joy in the doing.

 

One of my older sisters is still torn up with a sibling rivalry/ jealousy towards me. In her fifties, she will still cry that Mom and Dad love me best (b.s. by the way). She told me not so long ago that she used to love to draw, but when I started to draw (in jr. high) she stopped because I had "ruined" it for her. Of course, the fact that I wanted to draw was actually based on admiring what she did and wanting to be like my big sis! My point in all of this is that it is her attitude that has really soured life for her (esp. her relationship with me and my parents). She has many wonderful qualities but this one sour character issue is souring the whole barrel.

[Rachel]

My boys are 15/13yo and follow this same pattern. My 15yo excels easily at just about everything he does while my 13yo struggles with most things. He also looks up to his big brother tremendously which makes it even harder for him.

 

Over the years we have let things unfold on their own......allowing the older to pursue his interests while encouraging interests in our younger son.

 

What has happened is my younger son excels now in sports where my older son is more into theatre........they come together for some things (like airsoft) but they have found different interests that help define them.

 

One thing we did was when they were both into the same thing but had differing levels of competence was they did them at different times or with different people so they weren't in the shadow of each other. FOr example with airsoft we had different playdates with friends so they could feel free to play to their ability without competing with each other........eventually they each had enough confidence that they asked to play together and now work together without one feeling better than the other.......

 

Perhaps doing riding lessons at different times would allow each DD to do what they like without comparing?

[Amy in Orlando]

How are your dd's when they're together? My oldest son has things come very easily for him. Sometimes I find myself wanting to separate him and his twin brothers. But, my dh pointed out, correctly, that the boys don't care. They're each comfortable with their own strengths and weaknesses.

 

I think I let my own experiences as a child influence my thinking about my own kids. I was the oldest. Things came easily for me. My sister (a year younger) didn't have as easy a time. To this day (we're both in our 40's) she, like Jean's sister, still holds a grudge. She's still jealous of me even though she has a great family and life. It's crazy and tiresome. I couldn't help the fact that school was easy or that music and athletics came easy anymore than she could help the fact that they didn't come easily for her.

 

I would continue to encourage both girls and help them follow their interests. Focus on their strengths and don't let them dwell on what talents they "don't" have.

[Sue G in PA]

Ds9 is good at EVERYTHING he does. Sports, natural musical ability, building things, games, etc. Dd11 plays sports, but is not GREAT at any. Her musical ability is more of a struggle for her (she tries very hard, but it doesn't come natural to her like it does for ds9). I fretted about this for a long time. I finally realized that God has a plan for each of them. He has given each of them talents and abilities (different talents, different abilities) to accomplish that plan. With ds9, he has many...but with much ability/talent comes much responsibility (so says the Bible!). We always explain this to ds when he gets a little, um, "arrogant" about his talents! Dd11 has many as well...just not as outwardly apparent like in sports or music, etc. Your dd's are different, too. Your younger does have talents and abilities...she might just not have found her "niche" yet. Let your older dd ride and explore her talents. Let younger dd do the same. One day, she'll surprise you with some hidden talent neither of you knew she had!

[Kathy in MD]

 

One thing we did was when they were both into the same thing but had differing levels of competence was they did them at different times or with different people so they weren't in the shadow of each other. FOr example with airsoft we had different playdates with friends so they could feel free to play to their ability without competing with each other........eventually they each had enough confidence that they asked to play together and now work together without one feeling better than the other.......

 

Perhaps doing riding lessons at different times would allow each DD to do what they like without comparing?

 

nt

[umarider]

all for your advice. I knew it was one of those times where I was too close to the situation (and perhaps had too much baggage from my own childhood?) to see things clearly.

 

We'll put them in separate lessons and I've cautioned DD12 about making smart-alect comments and being gracious with her younger sister. I'm not asking her to hide her light under a bushel... just not to MAKE DD9 anymore aware of the difference than she would be if DD12 was just another kid at the barn.