how do you help your perfectionist?

[Mandylubug]

My oldest ds is a perfectionist and is struggling with himself. Today, while doing his spelling he had a melt down because of how the paper didn't lay flat due to the binding of the workbook and it was difficult for proper letter formation. I told him to just not sweat it that I don't expect perfection. He then says " well, you may not but I do! If I erase too much not only is my writing sloppy but the paper is ruined too and I can't have that!" I told him to just do what he had to do, that he was making a mountain out of a mole hill lol!

 

This is just one example of his perfectionism. He expects he should answer math problems perfectly when introduced to the new method once, etc. It isn't me requiring perfection. He is an introvert, ADHD inattentive t ype. I almost wonder if his medication is exaggerating this issue?

 

Any good coping techniques or exercises?

[shanvan]

I try to teach him how to talk himself through these ideas by questioning. Things like "What would happen if ____ didn't work out perfectly. Also remind of times in the past when things weren't perfect and the outcome was fine or sometimes even better than originally planned.

 

I also make sure to share out loud my thought process when I know I'm going to have to do a good enough job on something myself b/c I just don't have the time to give to a task that I might like to or b/c there are circumstances beyond my control, or if I have to prioritize.

 

Other things too, but i'm tired and can't think straight. Will come back and post tomorrow when I think of more.

[duckens]

Dd6 is a perfectionist.

 

1) We have had many discussions if I feel she is at risk for meltdown about how "It doesn't need to be perfect. It's just for mom." or "It doesn't need to be perfect. It's not life or death."

 

2) In working on a poster project, I introduced the concept of, "Perfect is the enemy of good."

 

3) Sometimes dd6 needs to be reminded that "Knowing when to ask for help is a good skill," or "Knowing when to take a break is a good skill." I try to catch her before she is in full meltdown mode if something is too overwhelming for her.

 

4) I have started letting dd6 know out of school situations how awesome she is academically. I'm sure she sometimes feels it's too hard. (She IS working above grade level for math and phonics). But I really need to give her credit and reassurance that she IS brilliant and a hard worker and awesome in every way.

 

I hope these comments give her confidence to work on challenging concepts.

[2squared]

Two words: white boards

 

They have saved my sanity.

 

 

I also loved the IEW videos since Pudewa instructs the kids that their papers should be extremely messy after editing their rough drafts. Hearing it from someone else made a world of difference to us.

[Momof3littles]

I've used some ideas from this book: http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Success-Carol-Dweck/dp/0345472322 . I try to praise effort vs. correct results. We talk about people who failed and failed and lots of things in order to succeed. I also talk to him when he's calm about matching his emotional response to the level the event warrants. For example, where is your paper being wrinkled on a scale of 1-10 in the grand scheme of things? What type of response does that warrant? What type of response are you giving it? We have practiced what a 1 and a 10 looks like a neutral time.

 

Most of the above doesn't really work, but it works sometimes. I agree that whiteboards can be helpful.

 

It is one of our biggest HS challenges. Sigh.