Ds not tolerating other kids, and feeling bad for his friend

[amo_mea_filiis.]

2 separate issues.

 

Ds has a friend, F, who is pretty seriously disabled (autism, hydrocephalus, limited expression, MR, possible EE, asthma). His father doesn't seem to have accepted that F is very far from a typical child. When F does something, he will often say "but so and so does it." This is usually said when he does something "bad" like throwing wood chips at the park or school. But i've also heard it when playing (F and ds were playing with train tracks, and F kept saying "but ds plays with trains"). When he says it following a negative behavior, his father tells him to stop lying or stop telling stories. I don't see F having the ability to lie or tell stories. He peed on the bathroom floor in home and school and will come right out of the bathroom and tell an adult what he did (why he uses the bathroom alone in school is beyond me). I just feel so bad for F. His father needs behavioral help, but he seems scared of change and has no interest in working with a behavior therapist or learning on his own. He really seems like he's waiting for F to "outgrow" these problems he has. I have known F for 2 years. He's a few months older than ds. He can't accurately answer wh questions, would likely thrive with a little bit of a scehule put in place, and would probably benefit from any kind of intense therapy. I'm just waiting for F's father to ask for help AND be ready to act on it (he asks all the time, but has a reason why everything will not work).

 

Ds used to do very well at the park with younger kids. He also got along with F and always tried to include him. Recently, he's getting frustrated with everyone. Yesterday, F was grabbing ds's dirt pile and throwing it. Nothing new for F. Normally ds would have redirected F to make and throw his own dirt pile, or would have somehow taught him to do something different. Ds was just getting annoyed with F and was trying to keep him away from his dirt pile.

 

It's not just F that ds is having a hard time with. He's getting annoyed at younger kids that start touching what he's doing, and a few days ago he even cursed at a slightly younger boy.

 

I know with what i'm describing, most people would be annoyed, but this is new with ds. It used to be that as long as he was the oldest/biggest boy at the park, he was wonderfully behaved, took a beating from anyone (referring to toddlers), loved to teach F new things, and was just a good model.

 

I don't know what changed, but i miss seeing that other side of him. :(

[Dmmetler]

I think the "getting frustrated with being the big kid" might be partially age-driven, because I'm starting to see it with DD, who is turning 8 this month. She used to be really good at being the "little mommy" and modeling for little kids. Now she doesn't want to deal with them much at all and is reacting MUCH less appropriately-which then leads to me trying to reteach DD and getting annoyed because, darn it, it wasn't a problem 6 months ago!

 

 

 

I think most of it, for DD, is that she feels like she should be one of the "big kids" now and dearly wants to be-but the older girls don't accept her socially and still see her as one of the "littles". And some of the girls her age have been able to make that transition-but DD isn't one of them, mostly because she simply doesn't have the interests in the same topics, or the ability to pretend to have the same interests. So she's feeling left out, and doesn't have the correct social skills to assimilate into the older group.

 

And when she's feeling left out and hurt, she takes it out on the younger kids, who love her and who she's always been willing to play with.

 

Honestly, I think she'd be happier teaching the younger boys about dinosaurs and building elaborate Lego worlds that she would be sighing over One Direction and Bethany's cute college brother-but it's hard to convince HER of that!

[Barbara H]

I'm just guessing here and this may be way off base...

 

I'm wondering if DS does with a friend who is more of a peer in terms of being able to play and follow the rules. One thing that can happen sometimes is our kids get tossed in too much with our friends' kids and as kids grow and change it isn't always a fit. I know the feeling of really wanting it to work, but then questioning if I'm asking too much from my child.

 

While it is good that your son has been able to be nurturing to younger kids or able to redirect his friend who struggles, that can be a bit responsibility for someone his age. Perhaps as he gets older he's more longing for someone he can play with without having to redirect or take care of. Does this sound possible?