Ds, age 12, first ever non fiction writing

[woolybear]

This is ds' first attempt at non fiction writing. We are not currently using a writing program. For this assignment he had been reading about World War I. We discussed what he was going to write first. He spoke beautifully, even using a wonderful analogy. I suggested he put that into his paper. It didn't make it. :001_smile: Quite a few other things didn't either. I'm not sure how to help him get what he can say onto paper.

 

However, since this is his first attempt, I think it's pretty good. The only corrections I made were spelling and adding several commas for clarity. This is a first (and probably only) draft. Any feedback appreciated.

 

World War I: How it Began

The first great war started July 28 when Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia. The reason Austria declared war on the Serbs was that when the heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne, Archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot when in Serbia. Who did it? Bosnian teenager Cavrill Prinsip. Who was behind it? The Serbian terrorist group The Black Hand.

 

At this period in time, Germany was expanding its’ army, its’ navy, its’ borders. This German expansion worried Great Britain, which had been masters of the seas for more than 300 years.

 

The British worrying about German expansion started to build new war ships called Dreadnoughts. These huge ships were what started an arms race which cost both Britain and Germany billions of dollars.

 

Now back to the beginning. When Archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot in Serbia and Austro-Hungary declared war on the Serbs, Russia who was allied with the Serbs declared war on the Hungarians. So now Germany who was allied with the Hungarians declared war on Russia. Britain, who was allied with Russa, declared war on Germany. Germany too the chance to declare war on France.

[Pen]

This is ds' first attempt at non fiction writing. We are not currently using a writing program. For this assignment he had been reading about World War I. We discussed what he was going to write first. He spoke beautifully, even using a wonderful analogy. I suggested he put that into his paper. It didn't make it. :001_smile: Quite a few other things didn't either. I'm not sure how to help him get what he can say onto paper.

 

However, since this is his first attempt, I think it's pretty good. The only corrections I made were spelling and adding several commas for clarity. This is a first (and probably only) draft. Any feedback appreciated.

 

World War I: How it Began

The first great war started July 28 when Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia. The reason Austria declared war on the Serbs was that when the heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne, Archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot when in Serbia. Who did it? Bosnian teenager Cavrill Prinsip. Who was behind it? The Serbian terrorist group The Black Hand.

 

At this period in time, Germany was expanding its’ army, its’ navy, its’ borders. This German expansion worried Great Britain, which had been masters of the seas for more than 300 years.

 

The British worrying about German expansion started to build new war ships called Dreadnoughts. These huge ships were what started an arms race which cost both Britain and Germany billions of dollars.

 

Now back to the beginning. When Archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot in Serbia and Austro-Hungary declared war on the Serbs, Russia who was allied with the Serbs declared war on the Hungarians. So now Germany who was allied with the Hungarians declared war on Russia. Britain, who was allied with Russa, declared war on Germany. Germany too the chance to declare war on France.

 

This is a wonderful first non-fiction writing draft!!!

 

May I suggest that you help take dictation from him of his wonderful words and analogies or help him remember what he said and help to get it onto paper and then go for another draft and more information on this?

 

We have been watching the Adventures of Young Indiana Jones as it is in the WW1 years. Trying to explain what was going on, and why, is tricky. (There have so far been 2 scenes in the movie where a character tries to do that, in different ways, with limited success. This is an excellent stab at that, where it seems to be starting to show both the aspect of the war as about one teenager assassinating one Archduke, but also, beyond that, an arms race that had already begun.

[woolybear]

Thank you for your feedback. It was a first attempt for both of us, so I'm happy for your thoughts. I can tell he has the makings of some great writing, if we can get what he says down onto paper. I missed some of what he said, and without the exact words, he didn't want to put it in. He had a beautiful analogy about how the German expansion was the powder in the gun, and the assasination was the match that lit it or something like that. I think maybe if we record it to start it might help.