how do you teach kids to treat each other....

[kfeusse]

with respect, teach them to encourage each other instead of picking on each other, teach them to look for the good in eachother instead of the bad? Has anybody figured this out? If so, PLEASE SHARE with me. thanks.

[thebacabunch]

1. Modeling

2. zero tolerance

 

My kids still argue and stuff but not nearly as much as other kids. We discipline every time. EVERY time.

[kfeusse]

what is your discipline??

[Incognito]

My kids are still young, so we'll see, but I am a bit more involved than other parents seem to be when it comes to how they talk to each other. If I hear something mean, I call them on it. I will say "that was mean to say" or something like that. Then I make them apologize, and if they are saying something that actually is useful to say but was said rudely, I help them figure out how to say it nicely and make them say it nicely.

 

In general, we emphasize respect and speaking kindly.

[K&Rs Mom]

If I hear something mean, I call them on it. I will say "that was mean to say" or something like that. Then I make them apologize, and if they are saying something that actually is useful to say but was said rudely, I help them figure out how to say it nicely and make them say it nicely.

 

:iagree: They need to practice. I've even made them give compliments if they're being mean. I also make them tell me something they're grateful for if they're complaining a lot. It helps adjust their perspective and look for the good in people and situations.

[kfeusse]

my kids are older (my 2 oldest are the worst....age 10 and 12)....they sometimes (like right at this very minute) play really very nicely together..but then in a span of 2 hours (this morning) I think I had to say something to them at least 8 times to speak nicely, stop nit piking, stop button pressing, stop tattling, stop being so sensitive, and the list could go on and on. My year old is RARELY involved in this behavior it is nearly always the 2 OLDER kids.....UGH!!!!!!!

[Pegasus]

Well, mine aren't perfect by any means but they are SO much better than me and my siblings were. We have very few rules but enforce them intensely: no hitting, no name calling, no mean insults.

 

DDs are 12 and 15 and hold to the above fairly well. However, they still do not always get along very well. DD12 chooses to take even innocent remarks as criticism/insults and reacts accordingly. *sigh*

[bolt.]

#1 - Modeling. Absolutely and completely... I set the baseline of behaviour by treating each of my kids with basic interpersonal respect. Even though I have authority over them, and could 'lord it' -- I don't.

 

#2 - Affirmations and teaching. We talk often about how to show our kind hearts, how to encourage others, how to help others feel important. My kids know that I value these behaviors, and they tend to want to impress me and get the positive attention I lavish on displays of kind hearted-ness.

 

#3 - Supervision, with intervention every time. This prevents habits from developing and 'power' relationships from becoming established between siblings.

 

#4 - Labeling and scripting. When I hear antagonism-and-such, I step in. I say in a warm but firm voice, "Darling, I heard you say <xyz>, and that was a mistake. It was a mistake because it was <bossy, disrespectful, unkind, or whatever>. <Provide a clear, brief and very concrete definition of what constitutes being 'whatever' and why the phrase fits the definition>. What you could say instead is, 'Insert a phrase that means the same thing, but expressed appropriately, even if it isn't a great sentiment in the first place.' " -- Depending on the age of the child, you can require them to repeat your appropriate statement, or just listen to your intervention, or (later) ask them their own ideas on "better ways to say that".

 

(If you *really* feel that the sentiment itself is unworthy, even in the best possible words, that's fine. Do it anyways in the best possible words, but make a note to yourself to work {step #2 style} on the heart issue involved with the unworthy sentiment... later.)

 

I do this with warm comfort. It's not pleasant to be confronted with one's mistakes, so I try not to make anyone feel like a villain. I try to make learning from one's mistakes feel normal.

 

#5 - Making amends. I say something like, "The reason I don't allow people to <do whatever> to my children is because it hurts their feelings and/or makes family time unpleasant <or whatever>. So, because of your mistake, you need to fix that problem. How can you help <sibling> feel better?" (This varies from verbal apologies, to hugs/kisses, to pictures, cards, or apology letters, acts of service, or even gifts. The age of the child and the severity of the offense are taken into account.)

 

If a child would rather not respond to the script, or would rather not make amends, I accept that they are not ready yet, but I feel free to send them away from family space until they are feeling more pro-social. If 'amends' are not forthcoming, I try to find an amends-method that is easier for them to accept, but I also make sure the fun things in life do not go forward until the conflict is resolved.

 

Again, this is done with warmth and an attitude of, "It's really disappointing, but we can't do xyz until you find a way to make amends. Is there a way I can help?" (It's not a punishment, it's mandatory, but it's manditory participation in the guided fixing of the sibling relationship, in the context of a secure and supportive relationship with the parent. It's learning through doing, and what they are doing is something good.)

 

#6 - Learning *my* lessons. I'm always learning lessons about meeting my children's needs. They are generally not snappish unless there are things that aren't going well for them. After the fact, I try to analyze the situation and ask myself questions about food, water, screen time, fatigue, strain and the many other factors that affect my children's ability to be at their best. If there is something that I can do to help them do better, I make a plan to that effect for the future.

 

(Most of my 'discipline' is in steps #1, #2 and step #6 -- discipline is about discipleship. It's about the way my servant leadership can help them see ideals, set goals and be assisted to reach them. What I do with a child after she makes a behaviour mistake is, maybe, 15% of the whole picture of the discipline I am offering them.)

[Trish]

If yout let it go on and on, and then only step in when it gets to a certain level, then they've determined they can get away with that type of talk/behavior. So try to step in as soon as I hear them start talking inappropriately to each other. (as the poster has outined above: repeat in a different way, nicely etc. apologize as needed) If the behavior continues, the offender gets sent away to his room to think things over, then come out later to apologize. I try to nip bickering in the bud rather than letting it fester/escalate.

 

Yes it's annoying to have to stop what I'm doing to enforce the "rephrase/apologize" routine, but it's MORE annoying to put up with constant bickering.

[LittleIzumi]

my kids are older (my 2 oldest are the worst....age 10 and 12)....they sometimes (like right at this very minute) play really very nicely together..but then in a span of 2 hours (this morning) I think I had to say something to them at least 8 times to speak nicely, stop nit piking, stop button pressing, stop tattling, stop being so sensitive, and the list could go on and on. My year old is RARELY involved in this behavior it is nearly always the 2 OLDER kids.....UGH!!!!!!!

 

It also helps to tell them what TO do, esp in the earlier years, instead of just what not to do. Positive language and positive ideas.

[Walking-Iris]

Honestly I think a certain amount of bickering is normal among children, especially siblings. I try to let the kids work out their differences on their own terms instead of stepping in every time. My kids rarely "tattle" since they are pretty good at working things out. If they come to tell me something about another child I can be pretty positive it's important and something an adult needs to know. "You'll have to cope" or "Do you think you can manage?" are phrases I say a lot.

 

However there are boundaries, fences, that they know they must not pass in their differences with each other or there will be consequences. Any kind of yelling and screaming in anger (this is beyond simple child bickering and pestering and debating rules of the game etc), physical anger (hitting or pushing etc), and words that hurt (name calling or put downs and teasing etc). They are also expected to share as well as respect others belongings and privacy. I don't like greediness. These are applied to the adults in their life as well. I think each family has to figure out the boundaries for themselves. What I can tolerate may be different in another family. But there's no ignoring offenses that are unkind and hurtful.

 

I immediately tell them in a firm, loving voice what is inappropriate at that moment. Also I don't just tell them to stop whatever. I try to listen and talk with them and really understand what they are fighting about. Then try to figure out how to fix it. Or just taking a child aside and letting them cry and say what they feel without having to correct them usually helps set things right.

 

Also I try to stop and gauge if *my* reaction is right. Are they really out of hand right now, or am I tired, hungry, pms-ing, stressed etc and not patient enough and taking it out on them?

 

I'm guilty of "disciplining" children who were totally fine but I couldn't handle that level of noise, whatever, because I chose to drink coffee for breakfast and nothing else. Or I chose to stay up late reading. If I recognize that as the problem I apologize and honestly tell them the issue and do something to fix my inner state.

 

Also media. I'm vigilant as a hawk what kind of values, mannerisms, my kids may pick up on tv, games, or even in books.

 

I also believe that if there's a long stretch of the grumpies or even just anger at everyone, then something is causing stress. I start analyzing diet, lifestyle, activities, etc at that point.