WishboneDawn Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 (edited) My daughter is into chapter 2 of Lively Art of Writing and the writing assignment was to write a thesis paragraph. It had to contain the thesis statement, a few supporting statements, the antithesis and something supporting that. Here paragraph is about her favourite XBox 360 game, Skyrim and one of the counties (holds) in it. For the uninitiated, Skooma and Moon Sugar are drugs and a Jarl is something like a Lord. First issue: She's not happy with it, says it doesn't flow. Second issue: I'm just not sure if she did exactly what the assignment asked of her. I think she's included too many details and not been general enough. I also think she missed the antithesis. She may have begun to address it with the sentence, "Though other cities..." but didn't really spell it out and offered nothing to support it. She's a very good and natural writer but sometimes that can disguise the technical faults when I'm reviewing her work. Anyhow, we're both waiting for critiques! :) (I edited the post for clarity.) Here it is: Out of all of Skyrim's nine holds, the Rift is easily the most corrupt. Riften is the city of back-room deals, lies, thieves, and backstabs. It is both ironic and convenient that this is the city where the Temple of Mara, the goddess of love and kindness, stands. Every citizen of the land knows that Jarl Laila is but a puppet for Maven Black-Briar, who has ties to the Thieves' Guild, the Dark Brotherhood, and every important family in Skyrim. The Thieves' Guild itself makes Riften its home, all but untouchable because of their alliances. Skooma and Moon Sugar dealers thrive in the city, a new one popping up even as the old one is chased out; this is also one of the more popular places for vampires, werewolves, and Daedra worshippers, thus bringing many Vigilants of Stendarr and Silver Hand to the land, who have started a miniature war. Though other cities, like Markarth and Solitude, also have corruption to a degree (and neither Jarl has a clue how to run a hold), Riften is by far the worst. Perhaps it is good that they have Lady Love's chapel in their city; they'll need it. Edited September 12, 2012 by WishboneDawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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