What is my problem?

[MomofSeven]

I always swore I would not be "that mom" who becomes obsessed with her children's extracurricular activities. But lately, I find myself thinking about these things more and more.

 

Here's the scenario: My almost 10 yodd is involved in dance, soccer and piano. She does well in all of them and through each has made many good friends. When I'm with her "dance moms" there are a few who are really into dance and have their daughters enrolled at a local classical ballet school. Several of them have told me that I should enroll my dd since she's a very good dancer. I agree she's quite good, but we just can't afford the tuition, not with 5 other children following behind her. So after much prayer, we (dh and I) have decided to keep her in the dance company where she's thriving and enjoying her friends.

 

So then there's soccer. Again, my dd is happy, does well, and has made many friends. But most of the parents are so competitive wanting their dd's to try out for travel and cup and on and on it goes. When I'm with them I feel so pressured to go that route, even though my dd is perfectly happy just playing rec soccer.

 

I can't believe I'm struggling with this as it all seems so trivial. It just seems that my dd has hit the age when all the sports kick it up a notch and parents are asked to make bigger commitments to these activities.

 

So my question is this. Am I doing my dd a disservice by not affording her these opportunities. I just don't want her to become discouraged when many of her friends who are augmenting their hobbies with serious involvement become much more skilled than her - will she be left behind?. That may not happen, but what if it does? Will she become discouraged and then want to quit altogether?

 

I'd like to hear from those whose children continued through the middle school years with just shallow participation in their activities. Does your child mind or do they feel left out? do they have the same opportunities as others? do you regret not pursuing their interests more aggressively?

 

TIA - Amy

[Amy in Orlando]

You sound like me when my older boys were this age. Really, don't worry about it now. You may find, like we did, that your daughter's interest wane in one area and become more intense in another as she gets older. Let her set the pace for now. In a few years, you may find you have a "soccer" kid or a piano player. I don't think you're depriving her at all.

 

ETA: My oldest son started asking for piano lessons when he was 12. We simply could not afford them. This year he (now 15) did the research, found a teacher with affordable rates and offered to pay for half of the lessons with his own money. It's amazing how quickly he's learned and how motivated he is to learn. You may see this type of situation as your kids get older, too.

[Sharon H in IL]

I agree with Amy. Re-read your post. The only pressure to change is coming from outside your family. You, your daughter, and her friends are perfectly happy the way things are.

 

Don't fix what ain't broken.

[Sarah CB]

My dh was put on every sports team available and did well in all of them. However, he felt that it would have been better for him if his dad had allowed him the time and the support to focus in on just one. He would have liked to have had the opportunity to truly excel at one thing. You can't do that when you're spread too thin.

 

When I was your dd's age I had no real idea about any of the opportunities that would have opened up to me if I had continued on and really pursued one of the activities that I was in. I would suggest sitting down with your dd and talk about the opportunities that are available and then let her know that being versatile in many different areas is valid choice as well. Some people are happier having a number of different things that they enjoy. She may decide to drop her other activities after realizing that she actually has the potential to do xyz in one of them or she may not.

[Lolly]

I was that child who was allowed only shallow participation in activities. It was what my parents could afford. In the day and age that I was raised, I didn't realized what a difference a different path cold have made until I was in high school. I felt a little disappointment, but I knew my parents had done what they felt they could and what was best. I still feel the same. It would have been nice to have been able to continue my sport at a college level. (Yes, I definitely had the potential, just not the training.) I had fun anyway. It didn't scar me in any way. I'm at the exact same place I would have been if things had been different.

 

In today's world, you will most likely see the kids who go on to the upper levels of training outperforming your daughter. If she is a great athlete, she will still be able to stay in the game. She may just not be on the tip top. That is okay. Depending on the sport, you may be able to see a larger difference or not. Whether she becomes discouraged or not will depend on her personality and your attitude towards it all. If you keep the focus on why you are participating; fun, friends, and fitness; she will be more likely to keep a good attitude. If she has a very competitive personality, it will be harder on her.

 

Good luck. Parenting is hard isn't it.

[Mom to Aly]

If your dd ends up feeling she would like to follow something more stringently, I would ask her to choose one thing, and give up the other. If it is a matter of finance, you certainly wouldn't want to short your other children. Besides that, if she is going on to a more difficult level, I doubt she'd have the time or energy to continue in the other sport. THat will also probably give you a better idea of how serious she is about it. Just make sure it isn't a social thing, where she wants to follow her friends. In the meantime, I'd keep her where she is, doing well and happy.

[Ashleen]

I was reading lately about kids who are pushed too hard in competitive sports by overeager parents, and the havoc it's wreaking on their bodies. Doctors are seeing injuries in children that they used to see in professional athletes, and in some cases any chance they had of a career is lost before it starts because of all the stress on their developing bodies.

 

Just keep doing what you're doing. It's honestly better for children to enjoy dance and soccer than to be pushed into being more "competitive" in one activity at a hyper level. She's not quite ten. Unless she's going into the Olympics, she doesn't need to train like a professional athlete yet, and it's not good for her (incidentally, it's not good for girls in the Olympics, either, but at least they get to go to the Olympics before they retire to their worn-out bodies at a young age).

[mcconnellboys]

If it's just recreation for her, then I would say stick with what you can afford, both money and time wise. The more intense practices of the other things you mentioned will take a toll on your time as well as your money.

 

If you or a coach sees some special potential and drive in her, that might get her one of only a few soccer scholarships, for instance, or get her into some prestigious dance academy when she's older, for instance, then you might go another route. Otherwise, I think people are doing with sports now what they do in schools. They all want their child to be in the "A" group, the best group, the "select" group. It may be meaningless for the kids, or even result in them being unhappy, due to pressures to perform, more intensely competitive team parents, other kids who are rude, etc. So I think that sometimes the parents are getting more out of it than the kids, in that they feel it's more prestigious to tell others their kids are doing it....

[DIY-DY]

In today's world, you will most likely see the kids who go on to the upper levels of training outperforming your daughter. If she is a great athlete, she will still be able to stay in the game. She may just not be on the tip top. That is okay. Depending on the sport, you may be able to see a larger difference or not. Whether she becomes discouraged or not will depend on her personality and your attitude towards it all. If you keep the focus on why you are participating; fun, friends, and fitness; she will be more likely to keep a good attitude. If she has a very competitive personality, it will be harder on her.

 

Good luck. Parenting is hard isn't it.

 

If/when the gap starts to widen and she notices it, you can always talk with her and see if she wants to make some decisions that would allow her opportunities *then* to move forward in something. By that time, she will have enjoyed her variety of activities for a few years. She may find that she'd like to drop the one that's moving out of her league. She may find that she'd like to keep it, but drop something else in order to afford extras. She may find that she's not going to worry about it and continue on as she can. But at that point, you'll have a better idea if you're giving her what she truly needs, or what the other moms think she needs. ;)

 

FWIW, we have five, and our options are somewhat limited. We have friends with one or two children who can afford to send both their children to everything that's available. That's fantastic for them, and we don't begrudge them a bit of it. Fortunately, when the few (and there are very few who do this) start to niggle us about putting one child in this, or the older boys in that, I've mastered the "gentle snort" and say, "Not with five of 'em, I'm not."

 

But honestly, most of our friends get that we are on a different avenue in some things. We buy flour in bulk. We get stuck with the tip automatically added to our bill at restaurants (you know, "parties of six or more..." Yep, every. time.) And, we prefer to keep our resources fluid for now, while the children are exploring. If/when one of them really finds his/her niche, then we'll have resources available to help that child fill it up with experiences and opportunities. Until the time comes, however, we're good with this plan.

 

{{hugs}} and good luck finding your happy spot!

[sdWTMer]

It's hard. I would love to be able to put my two boys in a lot of activities. We've chosen cub scouts rather than a team sport at this point. We feel good that cub scouts teaches our boys values that we agree with as well as giving them a general knowledge of so many different things. This is all we can afford and that's all they can get, I won't apologize for that. It is what it is. But like Dy says, when they do find their niche, then I know that we will be able to provide for them at that time.