Will he EVER be able to keep himself organized?

[Guest LaceG]

Hello everyone-

 

What a blessing these boards are! My oldest child is in 8th grade and homeschooling for high school has me overwhelmed--I am so thankful for the wisdom I have gained from you all on this board.

 

My question....will my son ever keep himself organized??? He is a good student that takes 3 home school classes outside of our home once a week. He struggles to keep his binder organized and complete his assignments on time. He has a class syllabus to work from so he knows the assignments but is super forgetful. He doesn't "see" certain assignments on his grod or waits until the last minute to get them done. I have been overseeing his work--holding him accountable for getting the assignments done, showing him how to organize his binder, etc. However, my husband feels he should be doing all this on his own by now. We have tried to let him do it on his own but he forgets to get things done each week he is "on his own." Is this normal for a 13 yr old? Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help him be more motivated to keep himself organized? I am a Type A organizer so this is so strange for me! Has anyone had this problem with their teenagers and will it get better? I am unsure how much help to give and when to back off...

[AK_Mom4]

I would give it some time. Both my boys struggled with organization at that age. For some kids, organization does not come instinctively - it has to be a learned behavior. If this level of organization (with binders and assignments and such) is new this year, I would just figure that this was the year to help him develop the right habits.

[MommyThrice]

:grouphug:

My 16yo son is still this way. My 12yo son is exceptionally organized just like me, so it isn't just the age. I have struggled with letting 16yo do it on his own. A few times he has forgotten something important and received a bad grade (of course that only works with outside classes) so he is learning from that and getting better.

 

You're right. The hardest part is knowing when to take over and when to let them fail. I go back and forth like Jekyll and Hyde. I usually let them take charge until it gets too bad, then I take over again. After losing a few weekends in a row to make-up work, I get pretty grouchy!

 

One of the organization books I read suggested a weekly meeting with your child. Let him tell you how he is going to organize himself and take responsibility. The next week, discuss what did/didn't work and make changes. The important part was that it had to be HIS ideas (even if they sound remarkably like the words you've been using for years). "I don't know" isn't acceptable. Have him sit at a desk with paper for as long as it takes for him to come up with his own plan to organize. We're still working through this. Good luck.

[Ester Maria]

I only have girls, so I may not "get" some of the boy / girl differences as to what is reasonable to expect.

 

I left my girls to their own devices even a little younger, for the most part. No reminders, no hand holding, no nothing. If they did not get it done, it is a failure they have to own. Sessions with me are scheduled and it is spelled out in advance what they have to prepare for them (in terms of readings, etc.). I made sure I clearly spelled out the expectations and time frames for meeting them. Any help was to be ASKED, not assumed.

 

NOTHING helped my daughters to pull themselves together as much as a "sink or swim" approach did. Not everyone's cup of tea though.

[Brenda in MA]

Is this normal for a 13 yr old? Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help him be more motivated to keep himself organized?

 

Yes, it's perfectly normal for a 13 yo not to be organized -- at least that's been the case with my boys.

 

One of the organization books I read suggested a weekly meeting with your child. Let him tell you how he is going to organize himself and take responsibility.

 

I did this with my oldest and am beginning to do the same with my younger one. I required the oldest to sit down with his plan book every Sunday night (before a week of school) and look over what he needed to accomplish that week. He also looked at the family calendar to see if there were any appointments, etc. Then, I had him write out a daily plan of work for each day of the week so he'd know what he had to do, and he had his own schedule "nagging" him instead of me. It took a couple of years of this during high school for him to get used to this plan, but once he went to college, he was able to do it on his own.

 

Some people like the "sink or swim" approach, and it probably works best for some kids, but I'm of the "slowly hand them their independence" approach. It works for us.

 

Brenda

[profmom]

I can relate with my 7th grade ds! I have checked out a helpful book from the library and am on the waiting list for it again! That Crumpled Paper was Due Last Week: Helping Disorganized and Distracted Boys Succeed in School and Life

 

I think they need help, giving them as much responsibility as they can handle, until they are no longer sinking.

[beachnut]

I can relate with my 7th grade ds! I have checked out a helpful book from the library and am on the waiting list for it again! That Crumpled Paper was Due Last Week: Helping Disorganized and Distracted Boys Succeed in School and Life

 

I think they need help, giving them as much responsibility as they can handle, until they are no longer sinking.

 

:iagree:

I was just going to recommend this same book, as we are slowly working through this situation ourselves, and someone on this board recommended the book to me. My almost 15yo DS is an organizational mess -- his bedroom, his schoolwork, his desk area, etc. He was not always like this; it really just started in the last 2-3 years. I see no end in sight in the near future, as it seems to be 1 step forward, 2 steps backward. (But I do notice the occasional 1-step-forwards, so I've got to look at that as progress.) If I adopted the sink-or-swim approach, he would have sunk about 2 years ago. ;) I'm not willing to let that happen.

 

But that book, in particular, provides lots of helpful, step-by-step instructions on areas such as organizing your time (planners, schedules, calendars, etc.), organizing your schoolwork (binders, folders, filing system, etc.), balancing your life (sleep, exercise, schoolwork, extracurriculars, etc.), and improving your study skills (taking notes, studying for tests, etc.). My DS struggles in ALL of these areas. It's like he walks around in a fog. Very frustrating.

 

Hang in there. It is normal. It is frustrating. And, rumor has it, it usually doesn't last forever. It just feels that way. :lol:

[jibaker103]

:grouphug: One of the organization books I read suggested a weekly meeting with your child. Let him tell you how he is going to organize himself and take responsibility. The next week, discuss what did/didn't work and make changes. The important part was that it had to be HIS ideas (even if they sound remarkably like the words you've been using for years). "I don't know" isn't acceptable. Have him sit at a desk with paper for as long as it takes for him to come up with his own plan to organize. We're still working through this. Good luck.

 

What is the name of the book?

[Mom22ns]

My ds has made huge strides in organization this year. He probably could not have kept track of that last year but I think he could now. I think it is well within the normal range for boys. On the other hand, my dd would have been able to handle that organization by the time she was 8 (maybe even sooner). Kids are different.

[Rhonda in TX]

I can relate with my 7th grade ds! I have checked out a helpful book from the library and am on the waiting list for it again! That Crumpled Paper was Due Last Week: Helping Disorganized and Distracted Boys Succeed in School and Life

 

I think they need help, giving them as much responsibility as they can handle, until they are no longer sinking.

 

This is an awesome book. My 9th grade DS still struggles with disorganization, but it has definitely helped. I know that I'm not fully implementing the method, so I plan to read it again this summer. I know it's going to be a process with DS. I hope he's there by the time he graduates from high school.

[Pamela in VA]

My ds is 9th grade this year and struggles with the same organizational issues. We have been doing many of the things suggested in the Crumpled Paper book and I can see very gradual improvment. He was very resistant in the beginning to some of the techniques, but we had a heart-to-heart and he was able to admit the areas where he has trouble. Consequently, until he can show me that his way works, he has to do it my way (based on recs in the book).

 

This is most important when it comes to his planner. He will try to abbreviate assignments, then not know what to do. Now, I make him copy it exactly as I write it on the white board. The planner has two columns per day, so he has to write anything due that day on the left, and the long term assigments go on the right side and he has to put the due date next to the "check" box. What I really want him to do is break down the long-term assignments and actually write those parts on specific days, but I am not always consistent to check that he does this. As a result, he still manages to procrastinate too long, but he is getting better.

 

The other technique that is critical for him is the filing of papers in the notebook. Until they are in the proper place, I don't consider the assignment as complete. He still struggles with loose papers all over the place and it drives him crazy if I find one and make him drop whatever he is doing to file it immediately.

 

I totally agree with those who say that for some boys this ability develops slowly and later. I also think that for many of them, they need the hand-holding and continual oversight. And yes, I have lost many weekends this year helping ds to get himself back together. The most frustrating part is that he is intelligent and gifted, but you wouldn't necessarily know it based on his work product.

 

Hope this encourages you!

Pamela F. in VA

[Guest KimberLee]

My 15 y/o ds who is in 9th grade has struggled with this and continues to do so. We have tried several different approaches without much success. I just ordered the book and I am hopeful it will give us new strategies for better organization.