14 yr old's take on the Great Awakening

[~Tara~]

My kids have minimal writing instruction. We are behind in this area, plain and simple. I admit my failure. I am trying to get everyone on a better track, but I feel lost.

 

So, any help appreciated.

 

This is my 14 yr old's 1-2 pg (minimum 300 word) paper on the Great Awakening.

 

----

The Great Awakening started about 1730 and ended in 1760. The Great Awakening had a big impact on the United States, especially during the end of the Eighteenth Century. The Great Awakening was a spiritual renewal that went through the American colonies during the first part of the Eighteenth century. The Great Awakening began with the Wesley brothers and George Whitefield along with some other people. The Great Awakening allowed people to express their emotions, unlike with the Puritan religion.

 

When Oliver Cromwell died in 1658, Charles II became Kin. King Charles tried to erase all Puritanism in his court; he even went to the extent of taking Oliver Cromwell's body from the grave for everyone to see. In 1688 William and Mary banished all the clergy who refused to pledge allegiance to them instead of King James II. When the clergy followed a moderate path, it helped to cut off the crusading elements of the Church of England. One clergyman said, "It is come, I know now how, to be for granted, by many persons, that Christianity is not so much as a subject of inquiry; but that it is, not at length, discovered to be fictitious. And accordingly they treat it, as if, in the present age, this were an agreed point among all people of discernment; and nothing remained, but to set it up as a principal subject of mirth and ridicule, as it were by way of reprisals, for its having so long interrupted the pleasure of the world."

 

George Whitefield had a different preaching style than other men during the Great Awakening. Whitefield was known to preach on the streets, on a tree stump, in fields and even while riding a horse. He was received in Newport like Paul was received by the churches in Galatia. Whitefield discovered what the church of England didn't have; he discovered the knowledge of Christ.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It looks like he was asked to give a summary of what the Great Awakening was?

 

The sentences in the first paragraph all begin with the words "The Great Awakening". He needs to vary his sentences and use pronouns.

[~Tara~]

Yes, I did see that.

 

And yes, a summary of what the Great Awakening was, who was involved and what were its effects.

 

I think he did more quoting than summarizing/coming to his own conclusions.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Paragraph 1 was a definition of what the Great Awakening was.

 

Paragraph 2 was a synopsis of the political climate of the time.

 

Paragraph 3 was on one notable preacher during the Great Awakening - George Whitefield. (He could have a better transition between paragraph 2 and 3.) Paragraph 3 has more of his own opinion.

Edited February 25, 2012 by Jean in Newcastle
Oops. It's Whitefield, not Wheatfield

[~Tara~]

Thanks so much, yes, I see what you're saying.

[Carol in Cal.]

The second paragraph gives background in England, but not in the colonies. Thus it does not connect with the other information.

[Ester Maria]

The Great Awakening started about 1730 and ended in 1760. The Great Awakening had a big impact on the United States, especially during the end of the Eighteenth Century. The Great Awakening was a spiritual renewal that went through the American colonies during the first part of the Eighteenth century. The Great Awakening began with the Wesley brothers and George Whitefield along with some other people. The Great Awakening allowed people to express their emotions, unlike with the Puritan religion.

I would personally encourage your student to reorganize the thoughts here - as the introductory paragraph it is not bad, but structurally, I would reorganize it the way to first define what it is (make second sentence first), then collocate it in historical context (first and third sentences).

 

The parts that I bolded I would cut out or drastically reword because (i) unnecessary and too general (why bring up those other people if you are not going to bring them up?), and (ii), no movement per se allows or disallows the expression of emotions, but it may emphasize some things, and I would not treat Puritanism as a "religion" per se, but as one possible expression of religious life and thought within the same religion. So, I would reword those parts.

When Oliver Cromwell died in 1658, Charles II became Kin. King Charles tried to erase all Puritanism in his court; he even went to the extent of taking Oliver Cromwell's body from the grave for everyone to see. In 1688 William and Mary banished all the clergy who refused to pledge allegiance to them instead of King James II. When the clergy followed a moderate path, it helped to cut off the crusading elements of the Church of England. One clergyman said, "It is come, I know now how, to be for granted, by many persons, that Christianity is not so much as a subject of inquiry; but that it is, not at length, discovered to be fictitious. And accordingly they treat it, as if, in the present age, this were an agreed point among all people of discernment; and nothing remained, but to set it up as a principal subject of mirth and ridicule, as it were by way of reprisals, for its having so long interrupted the pleasure of the world."

This somehow does not connect very well with the rest.

What is the source of the quote and who is the clergyman?

George Whitefield had a different preaching style than other men during the Great Awakening. Whitefield was known to preach on the streets, on a tree stump, in fields and even while riding a horse. He was received in Newport like Paul was received by the churches in Galatia. Whitefield discovered what the church of England didn't have; he discovered the knowledge of Christ.

Okay, but this is a good second or third paragraph, not a good concluding one, because the topic is Great Awakening, not George Whitefeld - you must talk about him, but then go back to the original topic and contextualize it with the Great Awakening - WHY his preaching style and how he was received was different and how it fit with the Great Awakening, and then conclude on the notes about Great Awakening, not some particular person.

[~Tara~]

Thank you so much for your time Ester Maria. I appreciate that, very helpful.

[Teachin'Mine]

Yes, I did see that.

 

And yes, a summary of what the Great Awakening was, who was involved and what were its effects.

 

I think he did more quoting than summarizing/coming to his own conclusions.

 

I would encourage him to use the five paragraph structure for this paper. Then each of the three main paragraphs could address the three main points. I think his opinions would be more appropriately addressed in the concluding paragraph. Did he write an outline for this paper? It might help him to organize his thoughts. I'd also suggest that he read a bit more about this topic than just the one source. I think that if he learns it well enough to be able to talk about it with you, then he'd be less likely to just pick sentences out of the book and put them into the paper. When he's writing it from his own knowledge, then it will probably be easier for him to write in a more fluid way with varied sentence structure.

 

He might be able to use the introductory paragraph to describe a bit about religion prior to the Great Awakening. In the conclusion, he could give a little bit of info about how the GA has influenced religion today and he could also give his opinions.

[Nan in Mass]

Perhaps you could work on making sure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence at the beginning, something that tells the reader what the paragraph is going to be about? The last paragraph has this and it makes it easier to understand.

 

You might also work on pronouns. You can write some sentences and practise joining them together. For example:

 

The dog was blue. The dog liked cats. ---> The dog was blue and liked cats.

The dog was blue. The dog liked cats. ---> The dog was blue. He liked cats.

 

The other thing you might like to do is work on transition phrases. They would give clues as to how sentences in the paragraph are related.

 

Have he tried reading the paper aloud to someone the next day? I found that my children were able to fix many problems themselves when they did this.

 

I found the book Powerful Paragraphs was helpful when my children were at this stage.

 

Nan