plain jane Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 (edited) Dd10 has asked if I could post this for you to offer feedback as to how she can improve this retelling. Please share any and all of your thoughts on this piece of writing so she can read. Thanks!! ETA: She's in 5th, if that makes a difference on your opinion of the writing. Pandora's Box Retold by ________ Long ago, the cunning god Prometheus had stolen sacred fire from Mt. Olympus and bestowed it upon the cold and despairing mortals below. This made Zeus, who was the mighty king of the gods, furious towards mankind. Full of hate and revenge, Zeus thought up a clever plan. Using the lovely goddess Aphrodite as a model, Zeus formed a woman from earth and water. The gods each presented her with wondrous gifts of charm and beauty. They named the new creation Pandora, which means “all gifted”. Pandora was to be brought to Epimetheus, as his brother Prometheus was far too wise to accept a gift from Zeus. Before she was sent to earth, the gods held a splendid banquet in her honor. The tables were draped in the finest embroidery, and everyone was drinking wine and eating delicious foods. The gods presented Pandora with a fabulous box adorned with sparkling diamonds and magnificent images which she eagerly accepted. The box was to be brought earth as a wedding gift. The following afternoon, the god Hermes swiftly delivered Pandora to her would-be husband. Hermes explained that she was a gift from Zeus and that they were to be married. He forbade the couple to open the lovely box but to instead keep it safe. Despite his brother's many warnings Epimetheus was charmed by Pandora's beauty and foolishly took her into his home. As it was a beautiful abode and her husband was kind and understanding she enjoyed life there immensely. However curiosity began to nag at Pandora. Just a trifle at first, but after several days it became unbearable. In vain she struggled to distract herself and desperately hid the temptation from her sight. Sadly her efforts were of no use. One morning, Pandora, who felt especially inquisitive, silently tiptoed to the dark corner in which she had hidden the chest. Intending to take a slight peek she crouched on the cold marble floor and began to lift the heavy lid. She did not know that Epimetheus had been following her as he sensed that she was up to no good. He did not attempt to stop her as he too wondered what was inside, but held his breath and nervously watched as she slowly lifted the lid. The box opened with a loud creak and for a moment all was still. Suddenly, a horrible cry rose and filled the room, followed by the furious rushing of wings. Hideous creatures emerged from their prison and flew towards the door. Epimetheus shrieked in pain. “I've been stung!” he shouted. Horrified, Pandora slammed the box's lid shut but it was of no use. Every sorrow and evil in the world had escaped, eager to destroy man. This was all because of Pandora and her curiosity. Edited February 8, 2012 by plain jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 The writing in and of itself is very well done in my opinion, especially for a 5th grader. The only thing I can think of to add is that Hope was left in the box at the end. I think that's a vital element to the story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plain jane Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 The writing in and of itself is very well done in my opinion, especially for a 5th grader. The only thing I can think of to add is that Hope was left in the box at the end. I think that's a vital element to the story. Ah! Thank you!! Duh. (to me, not aimed at you) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plain jane Posted February 9, 2012 Author Share Posted February 9, 2012 Please! Anyone? :001_unsure: I had dh read it and he said he thought it was fluffy and a bit over the top and she should watch less of "that Andrew-guy." :rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lewelma Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 (edited) I had dh read it and he said he thought it was fluffy and a bit over the top and she should watch less of "that Andrew-guy. I think your husband is wrong (sorry to be so blunt). Put on a single page, perhaps it seems long winded, but picture it in a 30 page picture book, and the description would be perfect. Story Telling: Excellent IMHO. All the main points are told, the excitement and adventure described, and the moral well developed. Each scene is evenly described and there is a clear lead up to the climax. Very nicely done. Arrangement: Very nicely paragraphed. Clear lead in at first and moralizing at the end. Perfectly chronologically ordered. Style: I like it. Perhaps a bit flowery, but many story writers are. She is very advanced for her age IMHO. Lots of clauses, nice adjectives, strong verbs. Variability in sentence openers and sentence length. Excellent vocabulary: inquisitive, despite, draped, trifle, etc. WOW. The style flows, really flows, which is very hard to achieve. Just look at this: "Horrified, Pandora slammed the box's lid shut but it was of no use. Every sorrow and evil in the world had escaped, eager to destroy man. " She has 2 participle phrases here, which are often considered out of a student's reach until 10th grade. I think that she did an excellent job. And remember, that if she can write this in 5th grade, imagine what she can do in 5 years when she has more judgement and wisdom. Ruth in NZ Edited February 10, 2012 by lewelma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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