Totally overwhelmed with 16yodd. What to do??

StaceyinLA · June 4, 2008

My 16yodd is just basically OUT OF CONTROL!! She is very responsible with her job, gets up on time, gets there on time, and loves it. However, she is TOTALLY rude to just about everyone in our home. She doesn't seem to think she has to ask permission to do anything, and she lies about things she is doing to boot!

This has been fairly recent. She had a runaway incident about 6-8 weeks ago, and it has been horrible since. She says we all treat her mean, but honestly, it's because she treats everyone like cra*! I just don't know how this happened to my child and I have NO CLUE what to do with her.

I know a lot of the things that I SHOULD do, but I'm so exhausted dealing with her that a lot of the time I just don't stick with stuff. I am on the verge of sending her to a military school for girls (if I could find one I could afford, I'm sure I would at this point).

She isn't violent or anything, just rude and inconsiderate. She still treats other family members good, just not the ones in our home.

Someone diagnose my child! We are starting with a new counselor Monday - she didn't feel comfortable with the guy we were seeing. I just don't know how much it'll help.

What should I do??

Gamom3 · June 4, 2008

Make her quit her job! She needs to know what is important and that is her family. She is not of age yet, she needs to respect you and your family!

She does not need to do anything, go anywhere and if she drives that STOPS!

When ds got his job(at 17 1/2) we told him if he got a nasty attitude, started acting like he was grown, or NOT doing his school work he would definitely stop working.

We have only had one incident with oldest ds at age 15 1/2.

Kim in Appalachia · June 4, 2008

Maybe you have tried to talk to her, but I would try to come at her very meekly (I mean being non-defensive and sincere) and ask what is wrong. Ask her why she finds in necessary to lie. What is she doing that she is so ashamed of that she can't tell you?

I would ask her why she is treating everyone so rudely. Why does she not want a positive or healthy relationship with anyone at home?

I'm not sure making her quit her job would help. I would point out how responsible you think she is with her job. And that you notice how good she is at it. Tell her you would just like to see some of her pleasantness at home.

At 16, just fighting with her will not work. You need to work on your relationship with her. I know your frustrated, but you have to remember that she is still a kid, and needs guidance and training. She needs you to model correct behavior. I'm not saying that will fix everything, but it may put you on a better road.

I might even practice how you want to be treated. Create scenarios and play them out. Give her ways of expressing a dissenting opinion without it turning into a fight.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I hope you are able to find a new counselor that all of you like.

BMW · June 4, 2008

I have been thinking about writing this post for my 13 yod, though she doesn't have a job.

In our case, dd is angry about her life. Her parents divorced. She is not allowed to see her dad, who has a history of abuse and wont do what the courts say. She wants to believe dad is her hero. She is mad that we moved. She wants her old life back, even though it was a horrible life for us. She is in counseling and has been for 9 months and she is SO rude to all of us. She is miserable and wants us to be miserable, too. She doesn't like step-dad or step-brothers. If it were just her, I'd consider making changes for her, but my original other 6 children really, really like our life now. They have stability and security and are not afraid. They don't get it!

Anyway, I am at the point that I am letting all of us know that when she is rude in her words, we are to ignore her completely. We are going to try to avoid activities with her unless she can be polite. We will always make an effort to include her, but she will be excluded as soon as she crosses the line. I send her to her room regularly because she is so verbally mean. I will say good-night lovingly, I will say good-morning each day. I will smile and expect her to behave a bit better. But she is NOT in control of this household. She may NOT hurt siblings and parents with uncontrolled verbal tirades. Just. Not. Happening. Here. I have to make babysitting arrangements now instead of using siblings because I have to make sure that the younger ones are not mistreated by her. She has been caught slapping my 8 yob (not a step brother) and pinching him!

I know most of this is because she is upset about the divorce and all and she grew up watching her dad physically and verbally abuse the family, and I keep talking this through with counselors.

I feel for you. All I can say is, it's your home, you and her siblings should not have to be treated meanly or rudely on a regular basis. That is not how people should be treated.

Bee

Kathleen in VA · June 4, 2008

From a distant, distant perspective here is my analysis, fwiw.

Anger is usually a byproduct of bitterness which is a byproduct of thinking someone didn't treat you right. Bitterness comes when you choose not to forgive whoever wronged you. This is a sign of pride because it presupposes that you've never done anything to anyone else that needed to be forgiven - or, in other words, that you are perfect.

This can also be related to guilt. People who feel guilty must point the finger at someone else to somehow justify their own bad behavior. If she has done something she feels guilty about, her conscience will convict her and she will be on the defensive. This is a no-win situation because no matter what you do or say, she will get the feeling that you are persecuting her or accusing her of something. This is mankind's universal reaction when feeling guilty.

This is a heart matter. Don't know if you are a Christian or not, but if you are, pray that God will convict her heart. Her heart has to be open to the possibility that she is also in need of forgiveness and that life is basically about needing forgiveness and giving forgiveness.

My son (now 21) went through a less volatile, but similar period when he was about 15. He had been disobeying us in some matters, had a guilty conscience and developed an attitude of contempt towards all the members of his family. We found out in a "back door" sort of way that he had been disobedient to us and we confronted him with the evidence. He broke down and cried and asked for forgiveness. He has had some trouble here and there but has left that contempt behind.

I really don't know what you can do about it. If you take the car keys away and make her quit her job, you may be able to force compliance but her heart won't be in it and she could just get entirely fed up and run away. She does need some consequence for her behavior however. You cannot continue to allow her to show you disrespect without consequences as this is a terrible lesson for the younger children. Definitely a tricky situation.

I had a friend whose daughter was a lot like this and they shipped her off to her grandparents. She did better there because her grandparents had a more liberal view of raising a teenager. The parents just did not want the daughter to be a bad example to the other children.

Getting to the heart of the matter is what is really necessary. She will have to open up her heart to you and let you know what is *really* going on. I suspect she has done something that she thinks you will not forgive her for (or feels unworthy of forgiveness for) and is just feeling guilty and tense all the time. She is paranoid and takes all your comments the wrong way due to her guilt. She has decided somewhere along the line that she is entitled to feel this way and to blame you because you, perhaps, said or did some unkind thing (in her perception). She has clung to that and harbors a deep grudge about it so that she can continue to justify her bad attitude.

Pray about it. Talk to her. Ask her to open up. Tell her that __________ will be the consequence if she continues to act rude and disrespectful.

Then administer the consequences. Teaching children that there are consequences for their bad behavior is one of the kindest things you can do. It is actually lying to keep letting them behave badly without consequences, because in the real world (for the most part) people pay, one way or another, for their bad behavior. Sometimes they pay for the rest of their lives or, sadly, with their lives.

You can't change your daughter's attitude - she has to do that. You may be able to change her behavior by establishing boundaries and administering consequences when those boundaries are breached.

HTH

magistramom · June 4, 2008

I'm hoping your teen is not deeply troubled, and that you can get through this with grace and a renewed life together. I've counseled teens (tough, but rewarding). Without knowing you, or your teen I can't say much but give some (quickly generated) general thoughts - my best to you and yours!

~Approach counseling with the view that you are not trying to "change" her - rather, you are committed to growing your relationship anew as you can't go back or toward a fantasy/dream relationship.

~Pull the plug on all reality and talk shows. They just add to the whole teen "dramz" thing that goes on.

~On lying, call your teen out. If they say "Sarah said so..." immediately walk over to the phone and call Sarah to verify it - and do follow through. If your teen give you generalizations (everyone will be there) get a concrete list and itinerary or account of the situation. Teens often get caught up in a swirl of thought as they try to figure out where they fit in with many other people and they are able to think through scenarios that would never really play out in real life (Will Tim notice me if I talk to his ex girlfriend Sue? Should I talk to Sue because if I do Sheila might get mad because Sue didn't return her favorite pen...Sheila is Tim's sister and I want her to like me too...) . Argh. Teens often live half of their lives in their heads or as with girls, trying to figure out unrealistic scenarios based on gossip. Teens need REAL experiences. Help them move onto "real life" events and activities (mentorships, jobs, community college, etc.). Your goal is to help her find out how she can find her true life path and achieve the things she is to do here on earth (the human odyssey).

~We need to CONSTANTLY bring teens back to reality. Don't let them carry on about how someone teased them years ago (ergo they gripe that they are no good now). Help them see things that are in the past - are just that - in the past. Any teen can say that he/she is dumb, ugly or that they do not have fashionable clothes. Pull out their report card or other awards, letters, pics/videoes to showcase their talents. As hs moms, we all know there are many talents beyond books, and that you can help your teen find the true things that make him/her unique. Ugly? Well, even celebs have very ugly days (look up a few pics with your teen to help them get a reality check). Nothing to wear? Granted, styles for teens change quickly, so, maybe a new top or accessory could help them feel more up to date. While you are out - let your teen shop and meet him/her later for a snack.

~Teens don't like to be with their parents (generally). However, they do like to EXPERIENCE things. Sometimes this HAS to be done with a parent as in a skiing for a family vacation or playing a round of golf together for a charity event your family is attached to. This is a time in both of your relationships to break from parent/child parenting. It is a time to grow experiences that can be shared by both of you. Make some of those experiences special (unfortunately money is often attached). For example: if you are in a big city, tea at a fancy hotel (the Four Seasons has a high tea); go to a sporting event; find a charity to help out together (let your teen find - you follow); take a yoga class together... If your teen is sensitive to be seen with you, shop at the mall in the next town together so they don't have to run into peers that are working in the stores. Grow your relationship with dates and unique experiences.

~Have your teen make a list of good and bad qualities. Go through them. But after each quality (my hair is gross; I like my big toe) add the line "IN THE BATHTUB". It is a funny exercise that brings them closer to the reality happening right then and there. It helps them get in touch and see how silly emotions can be flipped around so quickly.

~The goal is ALWAYS (ALWAYS) to reunite the family in a way that they can all work together. If you can get to a point where you all feel the relationship is positively growing, but there your teen still has reservations or difficulties, you can throw out the emancipation ticket. When a teen is faced with a choice to stay and work on the relationship, or when they are given the option to seek that legal separation, they often do a 180 turn and re-commit to the family unit. If they choose emancipation - take that choice with grace. Your teen is more important than a tax credit, personal pride and whatever you may have as a goal to keep them home. Keep in mind, that emancipation can actually help your teen get funds for college - no family support = a second look at their financial grant/work needs. Your goal is to put your relationship with your child first. You'll both need to find the right way to do that together. Families first. Families can be together through life/forever.

magistramom · June 4, 2008