If you were shy and/or anxious as a child...

[Alte Veste Academy]

This is something good that you are recognizing. I always wished people would just DO something they knew I wanted instead of asking me if I want them to (because I'll always say no). If you think he wants something, don't ask him, just tell him you're going to and do it. If he insists that you don't have to, tell him that you are going to because you love him and that it makes you happy to make him happy. He will want to make you happy. :001_smile:

 

Good stuff! Very helpful! :)

[Alte Veste Academy]

I wish I'd been given some help on knowing *specifically* what to say in certain situations.

 

I was never told what to call adults, so I was always uncomfortable talking to them. Once when I referred to "Mr. Thomson", the person I was speaking to acted shocked and commented on how formal I was. On the other hand, I felt VERY uncomfortable calling adults by their first names.

 

Also help on basic social communication - how to start and continue a casual conversation, how to "get out of" uncomfortable conversations/situations, how to politely decline things, or graciously accept things. How to get off the phone with a sales call or other unwanted phone call.

 

Sounds like I was a bit Aspergers (and probably was). Nevertheless, I needed to have specific examples given to me, and ways to use them in real life situations.

 

You know, I'm glad you mentioned it. Not only are these excellent points but I've had my eye on this social skills book for a while. Ironically, I worry that it the focus on autism would make him worry. :lol: Hmmm. Maybe I could get it for myself and just read it relay the info on the sly.

 

Yes, this. Also I wish I hadn't been called 'odd' all the time, simply because I preferred to sit in and read rather than hang around street corners with all the other kids in the neighbourhood, or because "You think too deeply", said with a horrible sneer.

 

I wish my mother had seen the good things in me, and supported me in developing those. The exasperation, the name-calling, just made me curl up into my shell even more. Up until my mid-twenties I really believed there was something wrong me.

 

I wish she'd been a little more empathetic, a little more sensitive, at least trying to see things from my point of view some of the time.

 

I think my mother took my personality as a personal insult, as something to be ashamed of. Not good. It has taken a lot of work (and a very wonderful DH) to build up my self-esteem and self-confidence to normal levels.

 

Social skills training can also be very helpful to shy/anxious children, if approached sensitively.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

 

Thank you for sharing. :grouphug: to you. I'm trying hard to see things from DS's point of view and you're showing me how much it is worth it.

 

I wish my parents had hugged me a lot. I wish they had said, "I love you" for no reason. I wish there was more talking and less yelling. I wish they hadn't spanked with a belt. Emotionally, keep in mind I am a girl, and boys are different. I love my parents, but they were busy a lot. Stop what you are doing when they want or need to talk to you. I'm not perfect at these things, of course, but they are usually in the forefront of my mind with my own children.

 

:grouphug: Thank you for sharing. I needed the reminder to stop and be with them.

 

I don't know if my comment will be of any help since I was not shy or anxious as a child. However, I want to add to Aurelia's comment. I am an Extrovert, although a low one. I was never the type to say "I want that!" I would say "Oh, I like X.", hoping they would get the hint and be quietly disappointed if they didn't. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings either. When I was a child my feelings got hurt very easily. It was more about the feelings and how the delivery of my words would be taken, and vice versa. So I don't think it is particular to an Introverted person.

 

Yes, I can see how that would be more a part of empathy than introversion/extroversion. You don't want to trouble people or hurt their feelings.

 

...but I'm exasperated nearly all the time, too, and I'm just learning that it's because I have anxiety, as did my mother, her father, etc..... None of them were ever diagnosed and I have not been, either. I'm just figuring out that this is my problem through trying to help my anxious child....

 

Over the years, I've wished that my family had done a lot of things differently, but I'm not sure they could have been any different in an age when there just wasn't regular diagnosis of these sorts of conditions.... I wish I would have had a clue long ago, too, instead of just this past year or so, but I can only work toward the future....

 

Exasperation as a symptom of anxiety is very interesting. I can see it. Seeing more and more aspects of my personality that are similar to DS's, I think I need to do some self-reflection. Thanks for throwing that out there because I would not have ever connected those dots on my own.

[Alte Veste Academy]

From my experience as an extremely shy, introverted, socially anxious child: give him time. I only started "coming out of my shell" in college but I didn't really change until I'd become a parent. Likely he will never become an extrovert (and that's okay), but he will get less shy as he gets older.

 

Thanks for the reminder. I have a tendency to see my oldest as a big kid when really he is still very young. He's definitely made huge strides in socializing in the past year or two. As he gains more self-confidence, I think there will be an even bigger leap.

 

I wish my mom would have realized that I would never ask for or demand something for myself. Some things just need to be offered or done. For example birthday parties. Also I wish my mom would have realized sooner that if she tried to convince me an outfit was cute I would buy it even though I hated it and then I would never actually wear it. With that said I have wonderful parents and my mom is much more of an extrovert than I am.

 

These are really good points. I have learned recently to withhold my own opinion until I get DS's because if he gets mine first, he will not go against it. I do try to point out to him that it's OK to disagree and that even DH and I disagree on favorite thingamajigs and doohickeys. I want us all to be who we are, with confidence. That confidence is not innate is something I need to remember.

[mom2att]

To the OP: everything that your son is doing is age-appropriate to his personality and situation. He's the oldest, he's a boy, and dad is deployed for long periods of time. The tendency for both you and he to feel responsible for every thing, to be a pleaser and keep everyone happy, is understandable.

 

But really, don't try to get in his head. He's a thinker, a reflecter, a ponderer, and he likes being there by himself. With the unconditional love and support that you give him, he will open up and share his feelings with you when he wants to, but unlike your other children he doesn't need to give a running commentary of his needs and wants all day, all the time. You have to be okay with that, and ready to listen fully when he does want to share.

 

My middle son and I are both this type of personality. We can ride in the car together to piano lessons 20 minutes each way and barely say a dozen words to each other. We are both in our own heads, alone with our thoughts. Sometimes I feel bad about this, like it could be a real mother/son bonding moment or something, but then I think that he probably is enjoying his moment of peace and quiet as much as I am (little brothers can be soooo loud and obnoxious), and that we actually are bonding in our own quiet way, just by being together. I know my son doesn't wish I would talk to him more, he probably wishes I would talk to him less because there are moments when I try to drag what he's feeling out of him. It never goes well. Some things, for some people, are just best left unsaid.

 

I will say that my husband travels frequently with his work, and I have noticed that my son is much more relaxed and talkative when his dad is at home. I don't know exactly why that is--just an extra level of comfort for my son, I suppose, but I recognize that he is affected by his dad's absence and don't expect the same level of interaction from him when dh is away.

[mom2att]

I was a friend to a few and completely loyal, instead of a friend to everyone and fickle in my alliances. Focus on the loyalty and detail they can give to the individual as strong points of this facet of their personality. Anyone can mouth off their opinions to anyone who's listening, but it takes patience and wisdom to hold your tongue...shy people get to practice some skills that serve them well in their later years.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Onceuponatime]

I was very shy, my mother was very outgoing. She equated my reserve with anti-social tendencies. When young I was pushed to do things I didn't care for. When I got older and really wanted to do them, she said no because it had been a waste of time before. :-(

 

When I was a teen and people complimented me, she would tell me later that if they knew what I was really like they wouldn't like me. I'm still trying to clear that from my internal messages.

 

She assumed that my silence meant that I was also ignorant and naive about certain things, whereas, on the contrary, I was extremely savvy. I paid attention to everything and absorbed tremendous amounts of information.

 

Here's what would have made me a happier child: When I did speak, I wish she would have given me her full attention and would have taken me seriously. When she made a promise, I wish she would have kept it and not assumed I forgot about it, because I didn't. I wish she would have let me explore my interests and not assume that they had no value because they were not what she would have chosen. I wish she would have given me space and time to respond. I wish she had been more nurturing and less critical.

[Free]

Obviously not everyone's experience will exactly match DS's but I asked for input and I am still very eager for it. I value what has been shared already. I sincerely thank you all for your input.

 

I have to say that I don't know how to phrase some things without sounding defensive. I promise I'm not defensive in an ugly or resentful way. Just defensive as in defending myself from some stuff that I'm not actually guilty of. :D Obviously, some of you have had painful experiences because you were not accepted as you were. That is exactly what I'm trying to avoid here. I am absolutely not a perfect parent but truthfully, what has been shared about parents not accepting, or pushing, or feeling that shy meant less than, or encouraging the "coming out of the shell" is not stuff I'm guilty of. It's more an issue of my seeing my sweet boy struggling with expressing himself and wanting so much to help him, if only he would open up to me. I am and always have been his safe place to fall. I just want him to fall back on me, you know?

 

I think this is a great thread and I thank you for starting it. I am very introverted and so is my ds and some of the suggestions on this thread are insightful and helpful to me and I suppose also to many others who are reading.

 

I understand not all of what is posted being relevant to your situation, but I hope you find at least some useful ideas here.

 

I for one, am loving reading all the responses :)

[TheApprentice]

I wish that hadn't kept telling everyone, "oh she's shy", or telling me just go outside and talk to so and so. I'm actually ok not have a ton of friends, I don't need that stimulation. I guess just flat out acceptance would have been nice.

[8circles]

Don't have time to read the other replies right now but...

 

I wish they had not pushed me so much, had not been so aggravated by me, & had been a safer place to go when my nerves got the best of me.

 

More love, less pressure.

[mcconnellboys]

I'm reading a couple of books about anxiety right now and learning a lot. One thing you mentioned resonated with me. I had originally thought to either pass these books along to me son or read parts of them to him, but any tiny little suggestion about a thing can trigger that thought or reaction for him, so I think it's best that I moderate how I present the info and do it slowly, over time, in more covert ways.... He seems to be doing well in his life right now and I don't want to tip his balance....

[Alte Veste Academy]

To the OP: everything that your son is doing is age-appropriate to his personality and situation. He's the oldest, he's a boy, and dad is deployed for long periods of time. The tendency for both you and he to feel responsible for every thing, to be a pleaser and keep everyone happy, is understandable.

 

But really, don't try to get in his head. He's a thinker, a reflecter, a ponderer, and he likes being there by himself. With the unconditional love and support that you give him, he will open up and share his feelings with you when he wants to, but unlike your other children he doesn't need to give a running commentary of his needs and wants all day, all the time. You have to be okay with that, and ready to listen fully when he does want to share.

 

My middle son and I are both this type of personality. We can ride in the car together to piano lessons 20 minutes each way and barely say a dozen words to each other. We are both in our own heads, alone with our thoughts. Sometimes I feel bad about this, like it could be a real mother/son bonding moment or something, but then I think that he probably is enjoying his moment of peace and quiet as much as I am (little brothers can be soooo loud and obnoxious), and that we actually are bonding in our own quiet way, just by being together. I know my son doesn't wish I would talk to him more, he probably wishes I would talk to him less because there are moments when I try to drag what he's feeling out of him. It never goes well. Some things, for some people, are just best left unsaid.

 

I will say that my husband travels frequently with his work, and I have noticed that my son is much more relaxed and talkative when his dad is at home. I don't know exactly why that is--just an extra level of comfort for my son, I suppose, but I recognize that he is affected by his dad's absence and don't expect the same level of interaction from him when dh is away.

 

Thanks for this. It really resonates with me. I am learning that I need to be purposeful about setting aside time for us to be quiet together so that when and if he wants to open up about the deep stuff, he has the opportunity. I can't expect it to come at my will but only through his and only when he is completely relaxed and comfortable. I can't wait for DH to be home "for good" because he has a similar personality, but with the benefit of age and experience. He is very good for DS.

 

I was very shy, my mother was very outgoing. She equated my reserve with anti-social tendencies. When young I was pushed to do things I didn't care for. When I got older and really wanted to do them, she said no because it had been a waste of time before. :-(

 

When I was a teen and people complimented me, she would tell me later that if they knew what I was really like they wouldn't like me. I'm still trying to clear that from my internal messages.

 

She assumed that my silence meant that I was also ignorant and naive about certain things, whereas, on the contrary, I was extremely savvy. I paid attention to everything and absorbed tremendous amounts of information.

 

Here's what would have made me a happier child: When I did speak, I wish she would have given me her full attention and would have taken me seriously. When she made a promise, I wish she would have kept it and not assumed I forgot about it, because I didn't. I wish she would have let me explore my interests and not assume that they had no value because they were not what she would have chosen. I wish she would have given me space and time to respond. I wish she had been more nurturing and less critical.

 

Ouch. I am so sorry your mom said such painful things to you. I can't imagine. :grouphug:

 

I am starting to realize that being nurturing DS has to take a different form than nurturing my other two. What is good for and sensitive to their needs is not necessarily going to work for him.

 

What you say about paying attention to everything is very interesting to me. People have commented on DS's attention and observation since he was an infant. People who know him very well have commented about how he absorbs everything and it's true. He can remember details of conversations and places with amazing accuracy. Plus, he's always the first one to find the remote control when it's lost. It's a skill we all value in him, for sure. :D

 

I think this is a great thread and I thank you for starting it. I am very introverted and so is my ds and some of the suggestions on this thread are insightful and helpful to me and I suppose also to many others who are reading.

 

I understand not all of what is posted being relevant to your situation, but I hope you find at least some useful ideas here.

 

I for one, am loving reading all the responses :)

 

I'm glad other people are benefitting from the thread. It's one of my favorite things about these boards. I definitely don't regret starting it. Quite the opposite. I have found many useful answers! I just felt bad for asking a vague question inviting specific answers that I then felt like I was dismissing. I don't want to be dismissive of anyone's experience just because it's not what's going on here. On these boards, it is all helpful, if not to the OP, then always to someone (members and non-member lurkers alike).

 

I wish that hadn't kept telling everyone, "oh she's shy", or telling me just go outside and talk to so and so. I'm actually ok not have a ton of friends, I don't need that stimulation. I guess just flat out acceptance would have been nice.

 

I definitely see DS's comfort with having a couple of close friends. The interesting thing is that even though I was very assertive and extroverted as a child, I also only wanted a couple of close friends. I had lots of acquaintances but I really only trusted my heart with a few people. Maybe we're not polar opposites after all.

 

Don't have time to read the other replies right now but...

 

I wish they had not pushed me so much, had not been so aggravated by me, & had been a safer place to go when my nerves got the best of me.

 

More love, less pressure.

 

Hearing people say they wish their parents had not been aggravated and exasperated really hits home. That's where I need to start working on myself. Thank you.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I'm reading a couple of books about anxiety right now and learning a lot. One thing you mentioned resonated with me. I had originally thought to either pass these books along to me son or read parts of them to him, but any tiny little suggestion about a thing can trigger that thought or reaction for him, so I think it's best that I moderate how I present the info and do it slowly, over time, in more covert ways.... He seems to be doing well in his life right now and I don't want to tip his balance....

 

Yes! I'm glad I could help.

 

I said in the OP that DS and I are polar opposites and I'm seeing now that is not true at all. I'm thinking now that we are very much alike, and the big difference that I was allowing to cloud my thoughts about him is that I express stuff freely and he doesn't. But I had much of the same stuff as a child. If someone had suggested to me that my very real worries about the driver falling asleep in the car on long trips (for example) were troublesome and needing to be fixed, I would have felt dismissed and maybe a bit nuts. I'm starting to realize that the "problem" is more that he and I were just super responsible and, in many ways, mature before our time, when kids are typically carefree. It does no good to tell someone who worries about very real risks to relax though. I think if his stuff was irrational, it would be a whole other ball of wax.