Frustrated with myself and my son

[Wendi]

:grouphug:

 

My son has sensory problems and a low tolerance for frustration, too. (He was diagnosed with Asperger's last year, too.) It sounds like your shopping trips give him sensory overload, and he feels sort of trapped and panicked. He can't express it appropriately. People talking to him sets him off even worse (he feels embarassed at how he's acting, out of control, and doesn't want strangers to see him). I've seen it with my son when he was younger.

 

It may help to work with an OT to figure out what's overloading him, and how he can soothe himself when he gets that way, or keep him from getting overloaded. (Listen to music on an iPod, have a "fidget" to manipulate, suck on a hard candy or chew gum, whatever works for him.)

 

It's hard to find the right professional, and get the right diagnosis and medication (when needed). :grouphug: In our case, anti-psychotics didn't work, but antidepressants (for reducing anxiety) do. OT was also helpful.

 

Wendi

[Oakblossoms]

:grouphug:

 

Here is an awesome book for GFCF http://www.amazon.com/Special-Diets-Kids-Volumes-Combined/dp/1935274120/ref=sr_1_7?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1312651915&sr=1-7. You might check your library. Mine has the new version, which is the one I linked to.

 

I have two special boys. They both do better with lots of fresh air. Do you have a yard?

[Oakblossoms]

a few other books..if you like to read.

 

The exceptional Child

The exceptional Child has Fun

Last Child in the Woods

Simplicity Parenting

[amo_mea_filiis.]

My son was like that when he was six too. Reward systems of various kinds helped a little. Medication helped a little. But he was still completely out of control. Punishment of any kind usually just made it worse. Often MUCH worse. We had a psychologist who worked and worked and worked with him on "anger management" without any discernable improvement whatsoever. In fact, it mostly seemed to make him feel like he was "bad" and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't be "good" so why even try. His file from school was cram-packed with "incident reports" about his violence and aggression.

 

What finally really made the difference was when I quit listening to the psychologist and started treating his issues as anxiety and defensiveness rather than as anger and aggression. Some of the things you've said make me think this could be what's going on with your son too. Like that it mostly happens when he wants to get home, get away. Many years later I learned that many children, but especially boys, express anxiety as anger and agression. Often what you're looking at is a child who is so anxious that the fight/flight/freeze survival instinct has kicked in. Often with girls they do the "flight" or "freeze" options as their default survival tactic, and we say they're "shy" (when actually they're terrified). If they can't get away from the stressor they might cry and run to mommy for comfort and protection, or try to hide, or they might sort of withdraw into themselves and just stand there trembling. With boys, though, its very common for their system to default to the "fight" option. When their system perceives a threat they don't instinctively run away, they instinctively switch into "kill" mode. But it's not because they're "angry", it's an instinctive reaction to fear. That's why punishments and threats of punishments only make it worse--they increase the anxiety, and pump more adrenaline into that "fight" response, and it gets even harder for them to control their own behavior.

 

The fight/flight/freeze response is handled by the amygdala in the brain, not the cortex. The cortex is where a child can process things like "if-then" rewards and punishments, form intentions, and follow through on plans. But when the f/f/f repsonse is triggered, the cortex pretty much goes dead, and the amygdala flares up. The amygdala is a very basic, instinctive part of the brain that works with emotion, and emotional memory, and basic survival functions. It literally cannot process things like "if you swear you'll lose your quarters". It's just not constructed to handle that kind of thinking. It handles things like, "danger--fight or you will die". The cursing could well be a verbal manifestation of "fight". It was for my son--though he only knew one swear word, so his "fight" words were a little less disturbing (I hate you, you're the worst mom in the world, I wish you would walk in front of a bus and die, I wish I had never been born, you stink, you're fat--that sort of thing). If this IS what's going on with him, it's important that you understand that it's not personal. He is literally not rational when this is happening, and that trying to negotiate with him is only going to stress him out further and make it more intense and last longer. Reacting to his "aggression" with your own aggression stimulates that "fight" instinct even more. I know it seems like the best way to deal with what looks like a power struggle is to assert your authority and make sure he knows you have the power, but IF this is extreme anxiety being expressed as aggression then that will actually make it worse because his amygdala will perceive you as a threat and will increase the fight response. I know it seems counter-intuitive, but IF this is what's going on, the best way to handle it is to be protective and soothing toward him when he acts that way. Help his emotional/instinctive amygdala understand that you are a friend, not a foe, and that you will protect him from whatever "threat" his amygdala is perceiving (even if it seems like an irrational reaction--the amygdala doesn't process things rationally, just knee-jerk emotionally). Don't talk too much, though, when the meltdown is in progress. "Talk" to the emotional brain with whatever your son finds soothing--and it's different from one child to another. My son HATES to be touched when he's struggling to get control of himself, and any sort of touch is like fire in the powder keg, so we are very hands-off with him (unless he's going to hurt himself or someone else, in which case we use the minimum restraint that will keep everyone safe). My friend's son who has these kinds of issues finds gentle touches very soothing, so she will rub his back, pat his arms, hug him tightly, etc. to help him calm down. But do whatever YOUR son finds comforting at a primal, gut level. Don't talk about the situation until everyone has calmed down and it's all over with and you've both had a chance to regroup. Then strategize how to handle the situation if it arises again.

 

To me, the fact that he was able to step down from physical violence to verbal abuse is an indication that he WANTS to get control and CAN make progress in the right direction. Of course verbal abuse is NOT acceptable behavior, but it is a babystep in the right direction. Figure out what the next babystep could be (maybe using other mean words instead of actual curse words?) and start rewarding him when he even sort of succeeds at that babystep, rather than only rewarding him for staying calm. He might literally not be able to stay calm (yet)--that might be asking the impossible. Maybe you could reward him for eliminating ONE swear word. If he can get all the way through the store without saying the "f" word in any form, he can have his quarters. Instead of asking him to leap the entire chasm between physically violent reactions to complete calm and control, help him build a bridge, one plank at a time. Work on babysteps with the paradigm in mind that he WANTS to be good, but staying in control is a SKILL he needs to develop and he needs to be taught that control one manageable little bit at a time.

 

Also, the fact that it's meaningful to him that you're impressed by his good behavior when you leave him with his sister for an hour is an indicator that he WANTS to be good, and he WANTS to please you. That's a good sign.

 

If this is what's going on with him--and I would say that if rewards and punishments are not having much of any impact it very well could be--it will help to talk in advance about what he can do if he starts feeling anxious. The more options he has for coping, the more successful he will be. A book that might be really helpful for the two of you is The Incredible 5-Point Scale. It's technically for kids on the autism spectrum, but the general principles would apply to any anxious child and I think you might find them very useful.

 

Other books that I would HIGHLY recommend would be Taming the Spirited Child and The Explosive Child.

 

This makes a lot of sense, and I was heading in this direction last summer. His behavior therapist nearly yelled at me for comforting him after a tantrum, so I thought I was nuts.

 

I know that he likes to be restrained (not in a mean way), but will fight it at the same time. He usually does run to me for help, and I've always accepted that as a bit of control on his part. IOW, if someone says or does something that he takes personal, he'll start pinching and hitting me, and in my defense I'll restrain him.

 

The behavior therapist and psychologist called it progress when I stopped having to restrain him, but slowly he became more physically aggressive.

 

I'll be reading everything recommended in the thread!

[MamaSheep]

This makes a lot of sense, and I was heading in this direction last summer. His behavior therapist nearly yelled at me for comforting him after a tantrum, so I thought I was nuts.

 

I know that he likes to be restrained (not in a mean way), but will fight it at the same time. He usually does run to me for help, and I've always accepted that as a bit of control on his part. IOW, if someone says or does something that he takes personal, he'll start pinching and hitting me, and in my defense I'll restrain him.

 

The behavior therapist and psychologist called it progress when I stopped having to restrain him, but slowly he became more physically aggressive.

 

I'll be reading everything recommended in the thread!

 

Yeah, I thought I was nuts for a long time too. Now I wish I'd listened to my gut a whole lot sooner. But after a few years of listening to the "pros" and doing it their way and seeing things go from bad to worse instead of getting better I finally figured what the heck, if what they're doing isn't working then there's no sense in doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, y'know? I figured doing something different and seeing what happened was at the very least worth a try. If it only made things worse I could stop and try something else. But there was no sense in doing more and more of what was only making things worse, even if someone with credentials said that it was the only way to go.

 

For some kids deep pressure is a very comforting sensation, especially if they have sensory processing issues. Acutally this is why some kids will slam into things or bang their heads against a wall when they're upset. They find it soothing. This may be one reason your son likes to be restrained (appropriately). Another reason could be that when that amygdala f/f/f response kicks in it can be frightening for the child. My son has told me (after the fact) that it makes him feel even more afraid because he can't always stop himself from doing things he knows he shouldn't (he's getting better at restraining himself as he gets older, but you can see the herculean effort it takes if he's too far gone). It's like he's somewhere inside himself watching himself flip out and he can't make it stop and that makes him more anxious, which makes the reaction more intense, which is more frightening and it becomes a vicious cycle. For him, since restraint makes the panic even worse, it's best if we can move him somewhere quiet and safe where he doesn't have to worry about hurting someone, and he will tolerate some physical restraint to get him there if he knows that's where we're headed. He doesn't WANT to be scary and violent, but his body just runs off without him. His nervous system is not "typical" and his amygdala has this weird oversensitive survival instinct trigger. But again, as he gets older and we work on it from various angles it's getting better and it's very rarely an issue anymore.

 

Anyway, if your son likes to be restrained, if it helps him feel soothed on a sensory level and safe on a psychological level, then pinching and hitting you could be a way to get himself restrained and have that need met. If he already has communication troubles then he might have difficulty verbalizing that need, especially if his brain is in the process of kicking into f/f/f mode anyway, which is not a communicative state of being. The rise in physical violence when he is not restrained could be an intensification of the "fight" response brought on when "flight" (to mom where he can be restrained) is no longer an option, and/or when his anxiety is increased by his feelings of helplessness to stop what is going on inside his own head and body.

 

My recommendation (with the total understanding that I am a stranger on the internet with no professional qualifications other than 14 years of dealing with a child who "sounds" similar in some respects, and that I don't know your child and you should totally blow me off if this is way off base) would be to sit down with your little guy and discuss some of this. Maybe with the 5-point scale book. You could tell him that you understand that sometimes he just feels overwhelmed by anxiety when he's in a big place with lots going on and he doesn't know exactly what's going to happen (or whatever you feel his worst triggers are) and that it feels good to him for you to hug him extra tight until he feels calmer. Then come up with a code word or hand signal that's a "secret code" between the two of you that means he needs a very tight hug (restraint, but you don't have to call it that). Tell him that hitting and pinching you to get a tight hug hurts you, and that you want to help him but you don't want to get hurt. So if he will use the hand signal or code word when he feels like he needs you to hold him tight, instead of pinching or hitting, then you'll hug him tightly and count to ten. Discuss the fact that you can't do it all the time because you have work to get done, like shopping or whatever, but you can take a break for a count of 10 for a tight hug to help him be in control of himself. If he can learn to feel that you're on his side and that he can come to you for comfort and help when he starts feeling too close to the "edge" then his general levels of anxiety will likely start to lower and he will get to that point less and less frequently. But you have to be consistent in responding to his requests for help so he can feel safe trusting you. Then maybe you could give him a nickle for every aisle at the store he makes it through without losing it and cursing, even if you have to stop for a count of 10 every 5 steps down the aisle. That way he feels you are on his side, you WANT him to have the reward and you're willing to help him get it, AND he doesn't have to wait all the way to the end of the trip to get any benefit from the tremendous, exhausting effort he has to make to hold himself together. And at the beginning of each aisle he has a new beginning and another chance to do it right.

 

The thing is, if it's an honest to goodness temper tantrum that the child is pitching in order to manipulate a parent and get attention then comforting the child really is going to make the tantrums worse. Generally if you ignore tantrums they peter out and go away.

 

But if it's a neurological "meltdown" where the child's brain is kicking into survival mode and cranking the f/f/f instinct into high gear, then comforting the child and helping him feel safe is what is going to make the fit stop. Ignoring a "meltdown" will make the outbursts more intense and more frequent because the child is living in a constant state of high anxiety and it takes less and less to push them over the edge. Helping them feel consistently protected and knowing they can come to you for help calming down when their nervous system is processing more than they can handle on their own helps lower that general anxiety level and become more calm and resilient.

 

Tantrums and meltdowns are fundamentally different, and require entirely different strategies to deal with, but for some weird reason a lot of behavior specialists seem blissfully oblivious on this point. And relatives are even worse. I've talked to a lot of moms at our autism support group about this and they all have had similar experiences of being told that comforting their naughty tantrum-throwing child is the WORST thing they could do (and if it was a tantrum that would be true) and if they ignore it, it will go away. But our moms consistently report that one of THE best things they've ever learned is how to tell the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown and respond appropriately. It changes the whole dynamic of the relationship. Now, it's also good to be aware that a child who has meltdowns can also throw tantrums just like any other child, so you need to learn to distinguish which is which, but I've found it best to err on the meltdown side when I'm not sure. Might I spoil him a bit? Maybe, yeah. But I'd rather spoil him now and then when I shouldn't and maintain that level of trust between us that keeps the meltdowns at bay than to never ever spoil him but undermine the relationship. Make sense?

 

Anyway, like I say I don't know you or your child and you don't know me. Some of the things you've said on this thread make me think you might be dealing with some neurological thunderstorms instead of temper tantrums, and I would say that if the way your therapist has been addressing the problem isn't helping, it might be worth giving this other approach a try. If it gets worse you can stop and go back to what your therapist recommends. If it helps, then you can do more of it. What can it hurt to TRY treating the outbursts like expressions of extreme fear from an anxious child rather than expressions of anger from an aggressive child. Try it for a month. Love on your baby. Help him feel safe. Follow your motherly instincts. I'm willing to bet you are not nuts.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Thank you!

 

I think I can tell the difference in a temper tantrum and meltdown fairly well. His tantrums are not much anymore and I can walk away without fear of him hurting himself or others. Meltdowns include massive verbal and physical attacks, no eye contact, glassy eyes (because he's trying not to cry, thanks to everyone who makes fun of little boys), and some serious strength.

 

This is the best possible time to do what I think could help. My father is having gallbladder surgery (thought to be the cause of his pancreas issues) so he will not be visiting soon, no new meds, and sleep studies I'm sure will be at least a month or 2 out.

 

He is starting VT tomorrow (!!!) and restarting other therapies. I'm going to ask his OT for resources for a pressure vest, and head over to the sewing board about a weighted blanket (I plan to make a sensory corner in each bedroom when we move).

 

We are moving, but only next door. Hopefully that doesn't disrupt too much.

[MamaSheep]

Thank you!

 

I think I can tell the difference in a temper tantrum and meltdown fairly well. His tantrums are not much anymore and I can walk away without fear of him hurting himself or others. Meltdowns include massive verbal and physical attacks, no eye contact, glassy eyes (because he's trying not to cry, thanks to everyone who makes fun of little boys), and some serious strength.

 

This is the best possible time to do what I think could help. My father is having gallbladder surgery (thought to be the cause of his pancreas issues) so he will not be visiting soon, no new meds, and sleep studies I'm sure will be at least a month or 2 out.

 

He is starting VT tomorrow (!!!) and restarting other therapies. I'm going to ask his OT for resources for a pressure vest, and head over to the sewing board about a weighted blanket (I plan to make a sensory corner in each bedroom when we move).

 

We are moving, but only next door. Hopefully that doesn't disrupt too much.

 

That is a VERY good description of the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. I think you're spot on. Good luck!

[4wildberrys]

Please keep searching for professional help. The people on this board are wonderful and have lots of great advice, yet in my humble opinion, this is too serious for advice from strangers. This son of yours will be bigger than you one day soon and you need to have this under control.

 

:iagree: I know someone IRL with a son who sounds eerily similar. The kid is now 6 ft tall and has been hauled away by the police many times, spent much time in the Psych ward. This boy has not been in school since about 6th-7th grade because of his cursing, aggressive etc. issues. PLEASE..please find good help, even if you have to move or travel! And NEVER, never underestimate the help a change in diet can make----because if you don't implement the changes now while this son is SO young, it will never happen.