7 year old who "hates learning"

[PhotoGal]

My son has been in private school for a few years (just finished first grade). When he was in preschool, he loved learning - for example, he would pick out Bill Nye DVDs from the library. After two years of elementary, he now says he hates learning (and hates the library! At least he says that, but seems to enjoy it when we are there). I have tried to find out what it is that he hates about it, but he doesn't seem able to explain why he feels this way.

 

School is not too difficult for him, with the possible exception of writing. But he is reading several years above grade level, his math is strong, etc. He will lose interest in things if someone tries to teach him about it. For example, he used to love tennis and after taking a few classes with his friend from school, he now says he hates it because he doesn't like learning about it. The same thing happened last year with violin (his school required it). At first he liked it, then hated it because his teacher was occasionally correcting him (in a very positive way! But he still couldn't handle it). It seems like he wants to already be an expert immediately at everything. He doesn't want to admit to not knowing something or suffer from any outside correction/guidance. I am guessing that is the reason he is saying he hates learning.

 

We are homeschooling starting next fall, and we are taking the summer "off" as much as possible. I was wondering if you experienced parents could offer me advice.

 

Does anyone have a child like this? If so, did homeschooling help the situation? Was you child every able to stick with an activity (musical instrument, sport, etc.)? If so, was it his/her idea to stick with it or did you have to insist?

 

Did you take some time off to help him/her enjoy learning again? If so, how long did it take before he/she was interested in learning again?

[JennW in SoCal]

 

Does anyone have a child like this?

 

 

Oh my yes. I also started homeschooling when my oldest was 7 because he too had lost his love of learning. Did homeschooling bring it back? Yes, BUT, it isn't a magic cure-all. Kids will be kids, and over the years there were many periods where my boys would resist and fuss over anything that might possibly be "educational".

 

By the way, my youngest, who is now a lanky 16yo, also started and quit violin because of being corrected. I think part of it was a perfectionist streak that made him hate not being perfect right away as the same thing happened with other endeavors. And yet he loves a challenge -- he is really enjoying taking college classes and studying to get A's. I think he just likes to figure things out on his own, to compete with himself rather than have someone give pointers and corrections. And what kills me -- I am exactly the same way yet I have NO clue how to deal with this trait in my child!!

 

As to practical advice. I think you are right to not do anything that smacks of school for a while. Don't stop going to the library, don't stop going to museums or watching Bill Nye or NOVA or Mythbusters or any good documentaries. Play games, read aloud, look at the night sky, collect bugs -- what ever your ds enjoys. If he has a passionate interest, let him loose with it.

 

Until my kids were about 4th grade, we only did the 3 Rs for school, and everything else was learned through living an interesting life -- reading, exploring, observing and discussing and having fun. I read aloud every day, and read aloud through the middle school years when my kids turned to audio books as the readers have more stamina than mom! My kids did copy work and handwriting books, and even though I had a math curriculum, we did lots of math games and I had math books lying around -- picture books for kids, and puzzle books.

 

I kept a journal detailing everything we did each week, and while some days seemed especially empty, in retrospect they had a very rich education. And it is an education that has served them well. Both are successful young men, one in college and the other is a high school senior applying this fall to some selective colleges.

 

There is a blog post that KarenAnne posted on the high school board today which you may find interesting on the educational value of creativity.

Edited July 8, 2011 by JennW in SoCal

[Geo]

Burnout. He needs time to decompress. His reading and math are strong, he's not struggling....I wouldn't do anything academic with him at all this summer. That doesn't mean you can't read aloud to him, check books out of the library (he picks the books), visit a science museum, the zoo, play with magnets, etc. It might take some time, but he has an excellent chance for a full recovery. :)

[Whereneverever]

It sounds like he has some perfectionistic issues, as well. I've found that reading a lot about perfectionism and offering DD ways to self direct really helps her frustration when she can't master everything instantly.

[PhotoGal]

JennW,

 

Thanks so much for sharing your experience! I think ds is similar - I guess he doesn't hate learning when he is figuring something out himself. He just doesn't want to be taught! This could be challenging! I will have to find ways for him to lead his own learning as much as possible, but I know there are certain things that require some outside input. Hmmm

 

Geo,

 

Your post made me smile and almost cry at the same time. I do hope that he can recover from this! I miss his preschool days when he was interested in everything. I hate to see him so negative and anti-learning now.

 

theretohere,

 

I think you are right. He seems to want everything to come easily. We tried putting him a bilingual school hoping that the second language would give him a healthy challenge (thus avoiding the everything comes easily thing). He did fine but I think he was frustrated that many of the kids were better at the language than he was (they spoke that language at home!). So he decided he didn't like learning the language because he wasn't the "best" at it. This might even be true for other subjects as well, because he was with a lot of bright/high achieving kids who were often reading at or just above his level, so he wasn't the "best" at reading/writing/etc. Not sure how to find that balance between challenging him and helping him feel confident/able. It seems like he wants to either be the best at something or quit.

[Guest]

Thanks so much for sharing your experience! I think ds is similar - I guess he doesn't hate learning when he is figuring something out himself. He just doesn't want to be taught! This could be challenging! I will have to find ways for him to lead his own learning as much as possible, but I know there are certain things that require some outside input. Hmmm

 

 

I agree with the advice you have gotten to ease up and give your child a chance to recover his love of learning. When I brought dd home (at her request) from a single semester of private school in 8th grade which was killing off her joy, she would read favorite books over and over and over, obsessively, not wanting to do anything else or look at anything new, for a good couple of months. She just wanted to rediscover and revel in what it was like to read for love: of words, of plot, of characters, without having to answer questions or analyze. Your son might go through a period of reaction like this.

 

When dd was quite young, she was also similarly resistant to overt direct instruction in the way you describe your son being. What worked really well for us were games.

 

Peggy Kaye has a series of books called Games For Math, Games For Writing, etc. Most libraries have them. They're a treasure trove of simple ideas that work on the same skills as a typical curriculum through around 5th grade, but they're designed for kids who are resistant to being directed and explicitly instructed. ThinkFun spatial-logic games are great for the kid who doesn't want to sit at the table and be told what to do. Games like chess (which many bright kids begin learning when they're amazingly young) and Set are also great in developing logic and spatial thinking. My dd could never resist if I set up a game and started playing with it. Some were hits, some were not; but she liked enough of the activities to work through a surprising amount of early math without ever being formally or explicitly taught.

 

The Sir Cumference math book series is terrific; in fact there are a lot of great books dealing with math concepts. Marilyn Burns has a whole series of lessons taking off from picture books and chapter books (Math Through Literature). I would read these ahead of times and never presented them to teaching-phobic dd as "lessons." Instead, I'd have the books lying around, and when she either picked them up on her own or I suggested reading one together, I'd have the extension math ideas in the back of my mind and appear to suddenly think up a "game" based on the book.

 

But there are also more formal materials that are more based on exploration and figuring things out, if and when you both are ready to go back to that kind of work. Marilyn Burns's Math Replacement Lessons are really marvelous for setting up intriguing situations or problems and having kids figure out multiple ways of approaching them; in Burns's model, the teacher does very, very little direct instruction -- although this does not mean no parental involvement. My dd liked some of these so much (from the Algebraic Thinking series) that she thought of them as games and often asked to "play" them.

 

http://www.mathsolutions.com

 

GEMS science, which I have often recommended on the boards, are activity-based -- there's lots of room for open-ended exploration and figuring things out, some guided activities, very little formal instruction. They are not handy little kits; they take some materials-gathering and planning. But they're wonderful for letting kids tackle ideas and materials and activities on their own. Though they're designed for classrooms, we used them with just dd for years, then in a co-op and at science parties we held at our house.

 

http://www.lawrencehallofscience.org/GEMS

 

This type of kid poses quite a challenge, particularly when you are just figuring out how to best work with them -- not leaving them just to do what they will, but not interfering with their intense drive and need to figure things out themselves. You'll learn whether your child thrives on the kind of informal learning Jenn describes, which we also did a lot of through around fourth or fifth grade, or whether you and/or he feel more comfortable with something more formal, but not so top-down directed. I listed the things I'm most familiar with, but I know other people have lots of programs to recommend.

[Emerald Stoker]

nm

[gracyomalley]

Ok, so I'm going to be the one to rain on the parade! I do agree that time off is good, outside time a must, encouraging all the "non-seat work" learning and allowing tons of independent exploration of books, etc...all these things are very important for all kids, and especially for kids who are expressing a disdain for formal "learning".

 

However, within reason, even a 7 year old will need some guidance. How many of us really enjoy doing things that are hard and don't have immediate pay off? How many of us don't lose some enthusiasm when we notice that we aren't the "best" at something? How many of us would rather do the things we are good at and skip those we have to work at? I think you see my point....

 

When my daughter got past learning to read and write and figure (all of which were phenomenolly easy for her) she suddenly didn't want to do "school" anymore. It wasn't all fun now. She had to listen to an explanation and maybe learn from a mistake. She had to re-do things that she thought were fine. She had to practice her violin daily. She had to hold still and listen to a book even when she wanted to play kittys....This was all when she was about 6.

 

There were a few years we really struggled. Luckily she too was quite ahead...but her struggles did "slow" her down. She now realizes that that year she fought about studying her music and told me she hated all music (while walking about the house whistling full symphonies when no one said anything) led her to take 2x as long to finish the first violin book than the next 2 together have taken now that she has learned to buckle down. And she now has learned more of a work ethic with other stuff. Does she still get frustrated when it doesn't come easy? OH YES! but now, after the fit, she comes "back to the table" and buckles down. And she is proud of what she accomplishes.

 

I am just more stubborn than she, I guess. I wanted her to study violin until she finished one book. (All my kids have too...and all have gotten to that point, and not wanted to quit then - after that we do a one year at a time committment - with any activity, and they can't quit until the committment is done.) I decided that she wouldn't change that - and hoped that the fact that she could pick out the songs her brother was playing on the piano by ear was an indication that once she got over the struggle she'd realize she loved it. Your child's innate love of learning won't be stiffled by doing stuff that's hard, but might by doing stuff that's not challenging, or by being taught that quitting is ok.

 

I didn't want her to quit just because it was hard and I figured its my job to be the bad guy sometimes and make them do the things they don't want to do. I do try to pick curriculum that they are inspired by. I do try to make learning fun, I do encourage self direction - but when all is said and done, there are just some things we have to work at to get to the "good stuff" - and learning is like that!

 

Just my humble opinion!

Erin