Help me with my 7yo ds PLEASE!

[Just Kate]

My 7yo ds is a very strong-willed, intense kid. He has been from birth. Rencently, I put together an If/Then chart to try to help with his behavior. Things like If you don't stop when asked to stop, then you will have a time out and If you stomp around, then you will have a time out. This has helped some (the rules are posted on refrigerator...not just mom randomly putting him in time out).

 

Of course, like all kids, ds can be sweet as can be (and quite charming), but he definitely has trouble with self control.

 

Today, I was on the phone with my mom talking to her about the possibility of her having a blood clot. I was also on the computer looking things up. Ds comes up to me and asks if I will put in a DVD for him. I tell him to wait just a minute and I will put it in as soon as I'm off the phone. He immediately stomps away, grumbling (loudly). Perhaps I was emotional because of my mom (she is going to the ER), but I just sent him straight to his room. At first, he refused to go, but when I told him I would help him to his room if he couldn't go on his own, he decided to go. While in his room, he screamed, yelled and cried. Now, I was on the phone with my mom through all of this.

 

When I got off the phone, I went into his room and tried explaining to him why he was in trouble. I told him that he can't stomp around and complain everytime he gets a response he doesn't like. I explained to him that if he would have had a bit of patience, I would have turned the movie on for him. But since he behaved in such a nasty manner (the stomping, complaining and then the screaming and yelling in his bedroom), I was taking the movie away for the day. After hearing this, he screamed and yelled more (like he was completely out of control!). I left his room and as he continued to scream and yell, I went back in and took his Legos. This caused more screaming and yelling (and an "I hate my mom"), so I continued to remove toys from his room until he got himself under control. I then told him that he needed to spend some time in his room thinking. He is no longer screaming and yelling (instead, he is talking out loud about how he has to earn his toys back).

 

I know I am new here and you don't know anything about me. However, I am curious to know what your thoughts are on the way I handled ds today and if you have any suggestions for what I should do in the future.

 

Again, he can be such a sweet kid!!! But it is so easy for him to get out of control. It is like he just can't control his mouth/actions when he is upset about something. I know I need to help him with this.

 

And please forgive any spelling/grammar errors. I was writing part of this with screaming in the background!!!

 

Thank you so much!

[OrganicAnn]

Consistent follow through is the key. JMO - I think you can even have what most people consider light punishment if you apply it consistently you will have better results than harsher punishment. So every single time, you should follow through. Explain the reason for the punishment.

 

Another thing is to teach about how deal with certain situations before you need it. Like telephone.

 

Also give him strategies for when he gets upset. For example, tell him when you get upset you might go and take some deep breaths.

Edited June 26, 2011 by OrganicAnn

[Perry]

One of my kids had a similar problem. I found out quickly that continuing to punish only escalated the problem, and didn't do any good. Instead, I sent him to his room and told him he could come out after he had been in control for 5 minutes. Meaning he could stay in there and scream and stomp as long as he wanted, but once he was quiet for 5 minutes he could come out. And he knew that the first thing he did when he came out was to offer a sincere apology.

 

The key for me was to not get sucked in to the drama and emotion. That always makes things worse in my house.

[flossboss]

Consistent follow through is the key. JMO - I think you can even have what most people consider light punishment if you apply it consistently you will have better results than harsher punishment. So every single time, you should follow through. Explain the reason for the punishment.

 

Another thing is to teach about how deal with certain situations before you need it. Like telephone.

 

Also give him strategies for when he gets upset. For example, tell him when you get upset you might go and take some deep breaths.

 

 

 

Ditto!!! :001_smile:

[AK_Mom4]

One thing I found helpful was to NOT EXPLAIN things when my DS was upset. We used the "go to your room and you can come out when you have been calm for 5 minutes" thing ALOT. And then I just left DS there to scream and yell and carry on.

 

Talking to them when they are upset just causes things to escalate. I know we moms like to explain things.....but I found that my kiddo listened MUCH better once he calmed down. And - if I stayed away from him until he calmed down, then I didn't get caught in the trap of having to escalate punishments. Escalation never worked with my intense kiddo.

[Joanne]

He's 7 and been "like this" since birth. What have you read, what have you tried, what has worked, what hasn't? Have you identified any patterns of sleep, food, environmental allergies?

 

As posted, I agree with the "no movie" but not the escalating punishments that were not related to the behavior.

 

Have you specifically trained him to not interupt you on the phone? He's 7, and old enough to be able to leave you alone on the phone. However, phone interuptions are legend with kids who have not been taught, using appropriate consequences when necessary.

 

He sounds like a child who needs absolutely firm boundaries, consistently applied, with minimum of detail, explanations or interaction.

[eewaggie99]

One thing I found helpful was to NOT EXPLAIN things when my DS was upset. We used the "go to your room and you can come out when you have been calm for 5 minutes" thing ALOT. And then I just left DS there to scream and yell and carry on.

 

Talking to them when they are upset just causes things to escalate. I know we moms like to explain things.....but I found that my kiddo listened MUCH better once he calmed down. And - if I stayed away from him until he calmed down, then I didn't get caught in the trap of having to escalate punishments. Escalation never worked with my intense kiddo.

 

I agree. Send him to his room, but don't follow to explain while he's still upset. In the past, I would escalate punishment, but my son was so wrapped in his rage and hurt, I could ground him and take things away and he wouldn't stop raging. The five-minute rule lets him know that he can control the consequences of his behavior.

Edited June 26, 2011 by eewaggie99

[Just Kate]

He's 7 and been "like this" since birth. What have you read, what have you tried, what has worked, what hasn't? Have you identified any patterns of sleep, food, environmental allergies?

 

I have read several books...Don't Make Me Count to Three, Shepherding a Child's Heart, 1-2-3 Magic, Say Goodbye to Whining Complaining and Bad Attitudes...In You and Your Child and probably more. I have never found anything that really seemed to fit. Maybe I have been lazy (probably), but I have tried many different things...but perhaps not consistently. Also, my mom watches my kids regularly (I work part-time), so the lack of consistency there has been an issue. We also lived with my parents for about 18 months. During that time, my kids had four parent-figures and I think this led to a lot of problems. We have only been back in our own home for about 4 months now.

 

I have always thought that food might be an issue for ds. He is extremely picky and I guess the thought of trying to eliminate certain foods seems overwhelming to me since he eats so few things. Also, he has always had babysitters due to my work schedule. This is probably something that I should look into though.

 

As posted, I agree with the "no movie" but not the escalating punishments that were not related to the behavior.

 

The escalating punishments were because he was screaming, yelling and saying that he hated me. Should I have ignored this?

 

Have you specifically trained him to not interupt you on the phone? He's 7, and old enough to be able to leave you alone on the phone. However, phone interuptions are legend with kids who have not been taught, using appropriate consequences when necessary.

 

I have tried to train him not to interupt me when not on the phone. I was not even upset that he interupted me (though perhaps I should have been). Instead, I was upset because he stomped and complained (I call it "growling" - he kind of growls and complains at the same time) just because he wasn't happy with my response. Honestly, if he would have waited 10 minutes or so, I would have been off the phone and he would have been watching his movie.

 

He sounds like a child who needs absolutely firm boundaries, consistently applied, with minimum of detail, explanations or interaction.

 

 

 

You are right! He is the type of kid who some would say "if you give him an inch...he takes a mile". I know we need to be more consistent with him. I hope that the If/Then chart that I have put on the refrigerator will help with this. I am open to any other ideas or suggestions!

[Just Kate]

I agree. Send him to his room, but don't follow to explain while he's still upset. I used to escalate punishment, but my son was so wrapped in his rage and hurt, I could ground him and take things away and he wouldn't stop raging. The five-minute rule lets him know that he can control the consequences of his behavior.

 

I like the five-minute rule. If I use this, would I talk to him about his behavior after he calms down and comes out of his room?

[black_midori]

Sounds like a reasonable response to me - I'd go a step further and remove all toys from his room, then make him earn them back with good behavior...

[Jean in CA]

I think you did the right, thing, mom!

 

Consistency is so hard. It is much more convenient for me to not be consistent and persistent.

 

We had some behavior issues with the 2 year old and earlier with a 9 year old. I even put homeschooling on "hold" in order to focus on the attitude issues. I remember thinking, this is taking a LONG time! Almost 2 whole weeks for the 2-year old to stop whining for everything.

 

With an older child, like your 7 year old, you have the advantage that he is old enough to be cognizant of exactly what the expectations and consequences are (both negative and positive). We found time outs were not very effectivw because it didn't cost the child anything. When they got a natural consequence, it seemed more effective. For example, if dirty clothes are all over the floor at the end of the day, those clothes get taken away. If you complain about your dinner, you don't get to eat that meal. If you are rude to a sibling, you have to serve them in some way. If you whine about something (like DVDs) you lose TV privileges for a day.

 

What seems to work for us too, is keeping a chart of positive changes. For example, if your son demonstrates patience, kindness in a situation that normally would have upset him, he can get a sticker, and lots of praise and hugs from you. Once he gets 10, you buy him a toy, or he gets a special treat, and make sure you make a big deal of it at dinner time in front of dad... that gets them beaming...