Kids who join the bully

[amo_mea_filiis.]

My son started out so well at the park yesterday. It was nearly empty in the morning. He was playing (wonderfully!) with a 2y/o little girl. He was sharing his cars, speaking nicely, letting her up the stairs first, finding catapillars, etc. A little while later he got to play with a small group of boys. They played tag and surprisingly no one left upset.

 

With the small group was a little girl who (I hope) was just having a terrible day. She seemed to be the female version of my son! She pushed him twice and ds did not touch her! He ran to me, and I told the little girl to please keep her hands to herself (she had to be in the 10y/o range, and the mother was walking the perimeter of the park, not within sight). Ds even got over this girl pushing and went back to playing, which is quite rare.

 

Some hours later his "friend" came to play (yes, we will spend the entire day at the park). I knew ds was going to ignore the other kids he played with, and I'll accept that. What I have a huge problem with, and need advice on, is they way he started treating others once his friend got there.

 

Ds and friend were flinging hot wheel cars through one of the tubes and a boy was asking them if he could try. Both ds and friend ignored this boy for a minute or so. Then friend said "go away freak, you can't touch." To which ds repeated "yeah, freak". This is beyond unaccaptable and I told him so. Since he had played beautifully for the morning, I decided to let him continue playing after a talk.

 

Next he was playing football (just catch) with friend and friend's little brother who can throw and catch a football 100 times better than my son (just to give you a skill level). Not sure what happened, but all of a sudden I hear ds calling friend's bother a loser. We left after that.

 

I don't want to limit his friends especially since we only see this kid at the park. I need to learn how to teach ds to not only stay out of bullying, but to defend the bullied.

 

Back when this was a frequent thing, I'd talk to ds, make him apologize to his victim, and we'd leave. Obviously that did not have much of an impact. What else can I do? This is a kid who has a very hard time accepting responsibility and can be very mean. However, when he's sweet, he's amazingly sweet. And no, I do not think the extended time at the park played a big part.

 

Thanks for any advice.

[Niffercoo]

I have kids with the same diagnoses, but my Aspie is a boy and older and my younger is a girl.

 

I know you said you didn't think the extended time at the park didn't play a part, but I can tell you from my own experience, I cannot expect my spectrum kids to handle such a dynamic situation as a park playground for more than an hour or two without the quality of their interactions falling off significantly. In fact, I've stopped staying for a long time at these sorts of places because I want our social experiences to end on a positive not to encode a good episodic memory (instead of "every time I go to the playground we have to leave because I was rude").

 

As far as the "joining the bully", I can see my younger child (and my older when he was younger) doing that when they are running out of steam socially. Their ability to process accurately diminishes and they fall back on the mimicking behavior. I try to watch for this in my kids as it will start with talking to themselves and a more 'disengaged' behavior. It's subtle and each kid will have their own tells.

 

I think the talk/apologize/leave routine is still a good option. Remember, you're dealing with a developmentally delayed child! They may be 6 or 8 or 10, but developmentally they may be 3 or 4, or younger. You have to repeat the proper consequences with a young child many, many, many, many times - and with a child on the spectrum, you have to do it even more so! It's just how it goes. It doesn't mean it's not working, it just means that you have to work harder and longer.

 

Also, something else that I would do for my child if she did this would be to talk about how the picked on child might have felt. Remember that kids on the spectrum have a deficit in their ability to think beyond their own perspective so that's something we work on a lot in our family. I wouldn't say "How do you think she felt?" because that just doesn't work. I would say, "She looked so sad when you said those words. I saw her face and it looked like this" (and then I'd make the sad face). I am working on my children being able to read people's expressions so they can regulate their own interactions. Also, when it's time to apologize, I add in, "It's good manners to apologize when you have hurt someone's feelings." and then I wait a minute. I really prefer the idea for the apology to come from my child. If she does the apology on her own, then we won't go home. If I have to push the apology a little bit, we won't go home. If I have to drag her kicking and screaming to apologize (which happens), then we'll go home because that also means that the ability to self-regulate has gone.

 

I may be telling you stuff you already know. I'm just rambling here, and I hope it's helping a bit. This is just how I would handle it.

[kalanamak]

My son loves his long hours at the park or at the Y, and I simply remind him if he does things like this, we are leaving, and skipping a day. I use the phrase "screaming halt", which my mother used. E.g. "If you bring bad language home from the Y, your visits there will come to a screaming halt." I sound like I mean business.

 

When he was younger, I started feeding him the info that "people who talk big are really small and petty and trying to make up for it". I know I tend to have the opinion, and I also know I talk to myself while I drive. I learned this when my son, not yet four, responded to a painful display of outrageously loud motorcycles with the comment that "he must have a small p&nis".

 

If I heard my son being mean, I'd march him off right away. I'd also give him some other ideas about what to say rather than to "join in". I would ALSO tell him that if that is how his "friend" is, he's going to be next one shunned, and he knows how that feels.

 

Have you read Raising a Thinking Child?

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Niffercoo- Thank you. I like the idea of making him think of the apology! This wasn't the first time it has happened with this friend, yesterday just provided some decent examples. It'll happen if friend is there as soon as we get there. But you're right, I should probably limit his time. I'll have to think of something good to do at home so we can leave on good terms.

 

Kalanamak- Thank you for the book rec. I'll look into it.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I think we'll start character ed at home. Not that I don't currently use teachable moments, but I think a curriculum/program is in order. While there are tons of traits I want to include, I'll have to start with being nice, dealing with anger, etc.

[Beth in OH]

I recently attended a seminar on bullying sponsored by the Ohio Attorney General. The current thinking on dealing with it in a group situation is that everyone involved in the bullying situation (except the victim) gets disciplined. The goals are zero tolerance of bullying, but also changing the culture where the prevailing idea is that bullying occurs. For example, if kids are part of the group where bullying is going on but do nothing to defend the victim, they are as much part of the problem as the person actively bullying. There is data to back up the success of this approach.

 

Now, unlike a classroom where you have control over all of the kids, a park day with friends is trickier. Do you feel like you could also assign a time out to the friends? Perhaps let the other moms in on the strategy in advance?

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Unfortunately the father of the boy doesn't see anything happening. He seems real quick to pick out the "brat-ness" of other kids (like the bad day little girl), but doesn't see a problem with what he says is his son sticking up for himself.

 

It seems to be this way with most parents around here. They either let the kids battle it out themselves, which I'm all for...to an extent, or they just leave. The parents seem to be setting the examples too, calling their own kids butt-heads, annoying, stupid, or other things I'm not going to write out. Most don't seem to care. It's a "kids (or boys) will be kids" attitude. (Gotta have a disclaimer here! I'm not perfect. I've slipped and ask the kids why they did something so stupid, but will immediately apologize and tell them that I was wrong for saying that, and that I should not act out of frustration.)

 

This is the only local park. Others are too far and would make park days less frequent due to gas. I think my only option here is teaching my son to stand out from the pack. My daughter will always stick up for the kids being made fun of, will usually play with the kid that's been left out, and has no problem telling someone (even a parent!) that they're being mean. This has not rubbed off on my son, so I know he needs to be taught and not just led by positive example.

[Cedarmom]

I think what you did sounds great. Just keeping doing it and being consistent. And possibly do it at the first mean words ( thoughI see why you gave him a talking to the first time) Just because it doesn't work right away, or they forget the lesson and you have to do it again doesn't mean it isn't working. Just keep being consistent and eventually he will earn that mom has a zero tolerance for bullies.

 

Be sure and praise him when you see him being kind, especially to those who are being bullied. When you see him doing the right thing, point it out. Talk to him about how the other child must have felt when your son stuck up for him while he was being bullied.