I hate having to explain...

[Murmer]

I hate having to explain my child to every one. Today I had to switch her out of her level of swimming lessons to a lower level because she was too dangerous with 5 children and the other class only had 1 so it would be safer. Now we have to look at doing make ups and I feel like I have to explain to the person in charge (who has never met my child) that I need a class with the fewest number of children at or below the level my child is in so that the teacher doesn't get freaked out and kick her out.

 

Sadly this is not the first time, any time we are doing something were someone else outside of the family is involved I feel like I have to warn them about my daughter. Its kind of frustrating. Sometimes I wish that everything was typical just so I wouldn't have to explain her to everyone I meet.

 

How do you deal with all the explaining?

[MamaSheep]

I think you just get used to it after a while. Mostly. I think there will always be times when it's tiresome. For me it helps to use a label. "He's autistic, so he needs..." I know labels are not always popular (or possible) but it does help me avoid the long drawn-out "Well, he has some motor coordination delays, and some sensory issues, and a little bit of a hard time with auditory processing. Emotional regulation is a real challenge for him, he can't read facial expression or tone of voice very accurately, and....blah blah blah." If I can just tell them he has a label and then move on to what he needs, it saves time. If they need more explanation they can ask.

[RamonaQ]

I think you just get used to it after a while. Mostly. I think there will always be times when it's tiresome.

 

:iagree: I think this is part of parenting. We need to advocate for our kids to help them be successful with the sets of skills and/or challenges they have.

[MicheleB]

I think, too, we can make it easier on ourselves by not so much 'explaining' as we are just stating the facts. Does that make sense? To me, there is a slight difference.

 

'Explaining' takes emotional energy and hopes to get approval or understanding or sympathy, which we all know is in short supply. ;)

 

'Stating the facts' says, "Look, here's the way it is and this is what we do about it and let me know if x,y,z happens..." And we don't have to care if people understand it 100% (well, unless it's something life threatening, like an allergy to peanuts or something!), we get to state the way it is and hopefully keep our emotions at bay in the process.

 

It's difficult, I know. It's hard enough to have non-typical children without the world putting us under a microscope. But it is what it is and sometimes we just have to not care quite so much about what others think.

[ReneeK]

I wish I could carry around a mini recorder and hit play! I think I have it memorized and feel like a recording myself.

 

I think for most individuals it does make them understand and have compassion. For some they seem to avoid you like you and your kids have the plaque! I agree we are our kids advocates and it helps them in the long run to hone their skills. I get tired at times of always explaining and it depends on the ones who are listening at times. Some think you are making excuses for your child or seeking pity. Which is a far cry from what I want when I am explaining things about my daughter.:grouphug:

[April03]

I agree with Mamasheep. Unfortunately labels are the eaiest way out of a long drawn out explanation. Hang in there! :iagree:

[MamaSheep]

Another thought is that if it's someone who will be dealing with your child long-term, it is sometimes helpful to hand them something in writing. I have some friends who just keep an updated 1-2 page summary they can send out to teachers, church leaders, scoutmasters, etc. as needed. That can help reduce the number of times you have to sit there and verbally explain things too. And then they have something to refer back to when "something" comes up.

[Murmer]

Thanks for all the thoughts, hugs and advice. We do not as yet have a label for my dd...we are in the evaluation process and it is getting there but right now it is just a mama says thing (although the poor evaluator saw it all today). So for now I just have to explain and hope that people understand and are willing to work with her and give her the chance. Some days I wish that she was typical but then I remember that if she was typical she wouldn't be who she is and she is an amazing little girl once we get through the junk in the way.

[Paz]

My dd is 18 now and I have done the many years of explaining. She is now a confident and assertive adult and is capable of advocating for herself. We did not get a clear diagnosis until she was 16 (dyslexia and sensory issues). I have always known her difficulties and while it was not always comfortable advocating for her, looking back I realize that most people working with children are kind and helpful and want to do what is best for the child. They usually appreciate our input. We have had very few situations in which an adult did not want to deal with certain differences. If the situation was too problematic I just removed her. This only happened once or twice in all her dealings with sports and outside activities.

 

I have had some interesting discussions. :lol: I remember when she was 5 asking her soccer coach to give her some warning about transitioning her in and out of the game. (She would get so upset coming out of the game that she would run over to me on the sidelines and kick me in the shins with her soccer cleats on.) The coach was a nice young man and didn't really know what to do so he solved this by keeping her in the game most of the time. It worked for me because she was completely worn out by the game's end. :D When she was 11 I had to ask the softball coaches to remind her when it was her turn to bat because "she loses track." I did not feel the need to tell them that at age 11 she could not read other girls' names or read other people's handwriting for the roster.

 

I have become much more bold and a lot less self conscious. Her learning differences have helped me grow, gain confidence in myself and appreciate the strengths and unique qualities that she has.

[MamaSheep]

I have become much more bold and a lot less self conscious. Her learning differences have helped me grow, gain confidence in myself and appreciate the strengths and unique qualities that she has.

:iagree:

[Momofeat]

I hate having to explain my child to every one. Today I had to switch her out of her level of swimming lessons to a lower level because she was too dangerous with 5 children and the other class only had 1 so it would be safer. Now we have to look at doing make ups and I feel like I have to explain to the person in charge (who has never met my child) that I need a class with the fewest number of children at or below the level my child is in so that the teacher doesn't get freaked out and kick her out.

 

Sadly this is not the first time, any time we are doing something were someone else outside of the family is involved I feel like I have to warn them about my daughter. Its kind of frustrating. Sometimes I wish that everything was typical just so I wouldn't have to explain her to everyone I meet.

 

How do you deal with all the explaining?

 

:grouphug: Not a lot of advice, just company.

 

I remember when my dd was small, I would cringe every time I talked to a SS teacher/coach/whatever leader and hear, "Well Mom..." because I knew a bad report was coming. She didn't have a label at that time either. Now she's older & I don't have to explain as often, but there are times...

[Lisaroe]

I hate having to explain my child to every one. Today I had to switch her out of her level of swimming lessons to a lower level because she was too dangerous with 5 children and the other class only had 1 so it would be safer. Now we have to look at doing make ups and I feel like I have to explain to the person in charge (who has never met my child) that I need a class with the fewest number of children at or below the level my child is in so that the teacher doesn't get freaked out and kick her out.

 

Sadly this is not the first time, any time we are doing something were someone else outside of the family is involved I feel like I have to warn them about my daughter. Its kind of frustrating. Sometimes I wish that everything was typical just so I wouldn't have to explain her to everyone I meet.

 

How do you deal with all the explaining?

 

 

Grace and lots of prayer- As the child gets older if you are like me you and your child will meet some wonderful people who will explain for you and parents of other children in those classes who will boost you up and as the group goes along even the other kids will explain.

That is what happened in my daughter's dance class- There was a core of 4 girls that started dance with Elizabeth (though she was 4 years older than them) Each year the parents asked to be in my daughters class and since we stayed in the same program by the time my daughter got to the upper classes the owner would have the teachers modify the dances so she could stay with that class. Now the girls compete Nationally- while we have chosen not to even try competive dance for obvious reasons- my daughter goes to the local competitions to cheer her friends on and it is wonderful to see the interaction.

I wish I could say all activities my daughter has tried through out the years have worked out like dance- they have not- but dance has given me the grace to let go of the terrible times and the fear I have of my daughter failing or having to explain and the teacher not understanding.

Try TOPS programs if your community has them- they pair and adult/ high school student/ or college student with the child with special needs to succeed at sports.

In our community, TOPS has a soccer , baseball, swimming, and bowling. programs. Also, the local ARC has programs for all children with disabilities not just children with developmental delays.

Good Luck. Lisa:)

[ChristusG]

I know what you mean. DD has selective mutism, Tourettes (I think), and auditory and visual processing disorders.

 

Teachers at church and homeschool group practically beg her to talk to them, to say things in a small homeschool group production, etc. I hesitate to tell them about her selective mutism because most people have never heard of it. Then I will have to take the time to explain it. Then they will probably think that I'm crazy because it sounds like she's just VERY shy.....and that's not it.

 

Thankfully, she seems to "tone down" her tics when in public situations away from me (such as church and homeschool group). So no one asks about those.

 

But her visual and auditory processing disorders could be about to cause her problems. Her Sunday School class is starting to do worksheets where the kids have to read things. She's not reading yet. I'm wondering if I should mention it to the teachers or not? Maybe next year if she's still having a lot of issues.

[Guest AshleyWilis]

hi, Well I dont have any kid till now as m not married.. but I have to look after my nephew he is every naughty, and he has a habit to append a word with worry sentence "WHY"... I don't understand how he is able to question about almost everything..

Well In some case I used to answer him you will understand this when you grow up, but again he used to say "why not now ? "

and keep op keep on asking things...

 

 

only thing you have to do is take it calmly never lose your temper, try to be kiddish like them whenever it become unbearable... and seriously it works ...

[IsabelC]

I feel your pain. I hate it when I need to mention that my son has Aspergers, and people don't know what it is, and I say "It's like high functioning autism" and they go "oh" and just write "autistic" on his notes :glare:

And when I can see their mental cogs turning and almost hear them thinking "he doesn't socialize well cause he's a weird home schooled kid".

Edited November 17, 2010 by Hotdrink

[MamaSheep]

I feel your pain. I hate it when I need to mention that my son has Aspergers, and people don't know what it is, and I say "It's like high functioning autism" and they go "oh" and just write "autistic" on his notes :glare:

And when I can see their mental cogs turning and almost hear them thinking "he doesn't socialize well cause he's a weird home schooled kid".

 

Yeah...I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to shake somebody and say, "No, you idiot, the sensory issues, poor social skills, and difficulty with emotional regulation are the REASON I homeschool him, they are not caused by it." I wish somehow they could see the difference between his "progress" (if you could call it that) with that sort of thing when he was "in school" and the progress he has made since taking him out. It's night and day.

[Murmer]

Yeah...I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to shake somebody and say, "No, you idiot, the sensory issues, poor social skills, and difficulty with emotional regulation are the REASON I homeschool him, they are not caused by it." I wish somehow they could see the difference between his "progress" (if you could call it that) with that sort of thing when he was "in school" and the progress he has made since taking him out. It's night and day.

 

I was thinking this same thing as my dd was at her swimming lesson. She was being very herself, jumping in the water, kicking, splashing ect. The other student's mama was next to me saying oh she's active...ect and I was thinking That is why she is in these lessons because she needs physical output and sensory experiences and mama can't do it all...as I watch and worry that they are going to kick her out or never let her do swimming lessons again because she is "unsafe".

 

I tried to explain at her make up lesson that she has behaviors...and the teacher turned around and yelled at her that she was not to get off the wall...she started screaming and refused to go near the water again...so that was a massive failure...hopefully we will have the answer soon and then I can give everyone the label.