14 year old daughter snuck a boy into her room. Advice?

[Greta]

My heart goes out to you. I cannot really advise you because I've never been in that situation, and I'm just plain not wise enough to give you advice. I can tell you, however, what my gut reaction is, to whatever extent that may help. But you know your daughter and your situation best, so take this with a grain of salt.

 

I would be SCARED and I would let my daughter see that, because, as strange as it sounds, I would want her to be scared too! This is a conversation I have never wanted to have with my daughter, but will have to someday. In your shoes, that day would be today. I would tell her about my friends who have been brutally raped because they put themselves in situations where they were slightly vulnerable, and the worst happened. I do not at all mean for this to sound like a "blame the victim" thing. No one deserves that. For any reason. Ever. But the fact remains that when a teenage girl is sneaking out of the house or sneaking boys into the house, she has put herself in a vulnerable situation where her parents cannot protect her. And I would want my daughter to know the potential consequences of such a frightening choice.

 

I would also take her to an OBGYN for for pregnancy and STD tests, and for a very serious and thorough education on the matter. No talking her way out of that one. Whether or not they actually had sex, I would make it very clear to her that you are not so naive that you don't get why she invited him to sneak into your house in the middle of the night rather than inviting him over to join your family for dinner or a movie or something. Make it clear to her that this is a serious choice, with serious and potentially life-long consequences.

 

If dance is something that she is talented at, and that is important to her self-esteem and self-image, I would not take that away from her. I would, however, make sure she is pursuing this interest in an appropriate way (modest, not provocative, dancing and attire). My husband and I have talked about how very strongly we wish for our daughter to have things about herself that she values and is proud of, other than simply her attractiveness to the opposite sex (which seems to be about all that girls and women are valued for in tv and movies and such!). If dance is serving that function for your daughter, I would absolutely let her keep it.

 

I also agree with those who have said that she should sleep in your room with your for a time, the door to her room should be removed, and phone/computer privileges should be taken away, or monitored very closely. This is for her sake, and for the sake of setting an example for her younger siblings.

 

I'd cry like a baby and tell her how much I love her, and how sad and scared I am for her.

 

Is this the kind of situation that could cause your xh to wake up, step up to the plate, and do something to help his daughter? Does she have other important male role models in her life? (Uncle, grandfather, etc?) My husband is at some point going to talk to our dd about how teenage boys think, ways in which she needs to be on guard, etc. Is there someone who can talk to her frankly and honestly about teenage relationships from a male perspective?

 

I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. :grouphug:

Edited September 8, 2010 by GretaLynne

[KidsHappen]

I was this child both sneaking people in and me sneaking out. My problem was that my mother was overly protective, strict and smothering so I rebelled because it was the only way to get interaction with other the people I wanted to hang out with. I wasn't allowed to go to other people's house, have sleepovers and if I wanted to socialize my friends had to come to my house and my mother had to be present and involved in all conversations. I only mention this because no one else did but I know that I certainly couldn't have been the only person with this problem. I left home at 14 just to get out from under her thumb. I do have to say that once she realized how serious the problem was she made radical changes that most parents would have even considered and it made a huge difference in the course my life took.