Jump to content

Menu

14 year old daughter snuck a boy into her room. Advice?


Recommended Posts

I've had some issues with my daughter since 6th grade regarding being too boy crazy. Wanting to talk to boys on phone/computer outside of designated times and then lying about it repeatedly. I homeschooled her last year b/c her focus on boys was getting out of hand. When I first brought her home, I took away computer and phone for 6 months. She earned it back slowly and regained my trust. She was starting high school this year and really wanted to attend the local school so she could experience that and also be on dance team. We had many conversations about how she seemed to have matured and I trusted her to make good decisions. I enrolled her in 9th grade at local high school. She made the dance team and she also ran for student council. We just found out that she made Student Council which is a big achievement at a school that size and for not having been in the loop for a year. I was very proud of her for that. I had let her have her cell phone back, computer etc. I let her have friends to the house again. Our agreement was simply that you date within my rules and that you keep your GPA to nothing below an 80 (which to me was low and therefore highly attainable). Well her GPA is all over the place. Three classes are low C's already and it's only the 3rd week of school.

 

Then I found out yesterday that she snuck a boy into my house FOUR times this summer before school even started. This all happened sometime in July before she went back to school. Evidently when she was still being homeschooled and had earned back her phone/computer, she used that opportunity to contact a boy from middle school and then snuck him in my house. This happened only a few months ago. I am very upset about this b/c I thought we had moved beyond this. I wanted her to have a good high school experience. She tells me that happened before school started and that she no longer even speaks to that boy having made all new friends upon her return to school. She said that she knows it was a bad mistake but hat she is trying to move in a positive direction (by making it on student council/dance team etc.) but I feel like the whole last year was a waste. I only put her back in school b/c I believed she was respecting my rules again. Now I don' tknow what to do. I have 3 other children who are 9, 7, 5 and it makes me VERY angry that she would put them all at risk by allowing some random boy into my house. She snuck him in through the window. I don't want to be a warden. My other kids are watching to see what happens especially my 4th grader who hopefully will not follow in her footsteps. So far I have taken away her phone and computer but not sure what else to do.

 

Anyone familiar with Love and Logic? I am going to get the book but wonder what they'd recommend?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First of all what does her dad feel about this and where is he in all of this?

I believe a father needs to be involved in discipline and having a good relationship with the daughter.

 

Secondly, you NEED to be a "warden" to a 14 yr. old. If my child did this she'd no longer have ANY electronics what so ever, be punished and grounded and I possibly take her out of the dance team. this is a SERIOUS VIOLATION! I'd get dad on board and the punishment/restrictions put in place would be severe.

 

Love and logic??? phewy! This kid needs consequences!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Is her bedroom on the ground floor?

 

Were you home when he was snuck in the house?

 

I have an alarm on my house and it is always set. If my daughter/son were to turn it off I would know.

 

Yes it is a one level house. That is why I was shocked. Our rooms are on opposite ends of the hallway though. Her room faces the backyard and evidently he hopped the fence and came in through the window. I wish I could afford ADT. My friend suggested getting motion sensors. I have also considered moving her room to the one directly across from mine. Yes we were all at home and asleep. She waited for us to fall asleep and he was in the house after midnight and left before 4 am.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Our agreement was simply that you date within my rules and that you keep your GPA to nothing below an 80 (which to me was low and therefore highly attainable). Well her GPA is all over the place. Three classes are low C's already and it's only the 3rd week of school.

 

One thing I've learned is that you don't make agreements unless you also state what will happen if the agreement is not met.

Did you tell her at the time what the consequence would be if she didn't do as asked? If you did, then put that into action. If you didn't, and I'm guessing you didn't, then what do YOU think would be appropriate? You've taken away electronics and computer--I think that's good. But don't think it's going to stop her from contacting other kids, because she's got all day for that.

 

IDK, maybe keep her really busy? Work on your relationship? Kill her with kindness? There are tons of strategies.

ETA--ah, saw her dad isn't in the picture. Figures.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One thing I've learned is that you don't make agreements unless you also state what will happen if the agreement is not met.

Did you tell her at the time what the consequence would be if she didn't do as asked? If you did, then put that into action.

 

Yes, the consequence was that we go back to homeschooling if she can't handle the pressures of school and freedom. The truth is that I really wanted her to be on the dance team b/c she had looked forward to it sinc elementary school and she's talented. It meant a lot to her .I'm shocked she would risk it. It's also a huge big deal in Texas so it would be a wonderful experience for her. I had even just enrolled her in an additional class at the dance school to prepare her for competitions and making higher rank in dance team. If I put the real consequence into effect, then that will be gone. Plus she did this before school started so it wasn't really the school environment that did it. It was 100% her doing this on her own with no one to blame but herself. Also, truthfully I thought being on student council would be good for her and get her involved with a good group of kids who were more responsible and had goals. I am not ready to throw all this away so soon but if I don't pull her out then I'm proving that I won't follow through. I'm depressed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Someone else hinted on this, but I wanted to reiterate (sp?) the importance of a postive male role model in your daughter's life. With her father being pretty much out of the picture, she is looking to boys to feel that male void in her life. Fourteen is very young to be doing this- could you imagine if she ended up pregnant now? I would look to men at church, in your family, community, etc. who might be willing to invest time in your children's lives.

She definately needs to be punished though. I might have her help out once a week at a crisis pregnancy center, maybe helping with childcare? That would scare her into behaving :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm thinking a "natural consequence" would be having to sleep in your room so you could monitor her (yes, I know this punishes you as well). Or having an alarm put on her window - doesn't have to be ADT but could be a simple contact alarm (except I don't know how you would keep her from turning it off). For fire safety reasons you can't bolt her window closed. Does she have an allowance or any money of her own from birthdays etc? She can pay for the alarm - if you can find one that works.

 

I would not take away her dance or student council privileges. They are a step in the right direction. And since this happened before school started, I don't think you can use the putting her back in homeschool consequence yet.

 

Also - how did you find out about this? Did she come to you and confess? If she had a contrite attitude, that would go a long way with me.

Edited by Jean in Newcastle
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My older brother was doing some stupid stuff in high school and my mom told him if he didn't straighten up he would be out of football for six weeks until grades and behavior changed. This is small town Texas and you just don't mess with football. :tongue_smilie: He didn't do what he was supposed to so mom pulled him out for six weeks. It was a truly horrible couple of days in our house but he finally got it and he's been a different person ever since.

 

Could you maybe not completely pull her out of dance but for a certain amount of time she is not able to practice/perform until grades come up?

:grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are in a tough position, but she has put you there. You made it clear what behaviors you expected in order for her to earn your trust, and she lied to your face. She put herself in danger, and violated your trust immeasurably. (I also have to ask where this boy's parents are?? Do they know what he is up to? As a mom of 3 boys, I would want this information and my son would be up to his elbows in ninja mom.)

 

I would restrict computer use to school work, and put a monitor on it so you can see what she is up to. Her social life would be at a halt. The dance team, the student council I would probably allow but none of the "we are all getting together to practice at Susie's house" stuff. Grades would need to reflect ability & effort.

 

I am sure she wants to focus on the positive steps she has taken, etc., but she is closing the barn door after the horse has run. There are consequences.

 

And for you :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First, how did you find out that she had snuck the boy in over the summer? Did she come clean and tell you? And WHY is she sneaking a boy into the house? That would be my biggest concern honestly...

 

Does she have close girl friends? She is telling you that she made new friends - have you met any yet? Did she have any good, close friends last year while being HS'd?

 

Honestly, a GOOD circle of friends can help keep her out of trouble (good peer pressure so to speak). Activities like the dance team and student council will keep her busy (ie less time for boys) and increase her own self esteem. Also most schools require atleast a C average to participate. You can easily make it a requirement for her to have atleast a B average though - or she will have to drop.

 

Remembering back to when I was a teen, I think she was probably just being 14 and stupid. She was rebelling in her own way against the strictness and structure. She wanted attention. Both from the boy and from her family. Being 14 is hard! The raging hormones, the adult decisions when you arent' really an adult yet but definitely are no longer a child... Even more so today - I don't envy these young kids growing up now! they have it so much worse than I had it...I look at my nieces (oldest is 13) and I cringe and truly worry for them.

 

Personally, I would give her a second chance and see if she can turn it around with some help. I would not be a "warden" but she would be on a very short leash - think ankle bracelet. LOL Too strict can jsut cause more rebellion....

Seriously though, if it was me - 1st Pull the cell and computer indefinitely; 2nd She is grounded!! I would allow SC and Dance (be busy, increase self esteem, blackmail for good grades), but nothing else. After a while, if she is behaving, then I'd allow her friends to come hang out at MY house. It would be a very very long time before she earned the right to hang out somewhere though. And I would insist on meeting the friends and their parents first, and know that the parents planned on being around. 3rd I would definitely make a B average requirement. No extracurriculars unless she has a B average. No PS unless she maintains the B average. And NO dating - too much of a distraction if she is serious about focusing on her studies and her extracurrics. Once she can prove that she can handle both and excell, then I would revisit the idea of meeting her like interest and letting them hang out in MY house in the common area.

 

I's also make it known that if I thought she was screwing up - I'd pull her in a heartbeat.

 

Trust is a slow gradual thing to be earned back in baby steps.

 

GL mama!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

GENERALIZATION AHEAD: From what I've seen of public school dance teams, they don't exactly promote wholesome moves, clothing or music. If it were me, I'd remove her from that immediately.

 

Secondly, your dh moved out when she was what, 10? Right before puberty hit? I'm willing to bet somewhere in her heart is a yearning for fatherly/manly attention and it's showing itself in this inappropriate way. I'm also willing to bet she has no idea why she's this "boy crazy". I've read that it's not uncommon for girls who have absent fathers to seek out male attention. I don't say this in an accusing or judgmental way at all; her father has failed her as a male role model. Is there a way to foster an appropriate relationship with another male (uncle? Grandfather? father of a friend?) that could teacher her how to behave with males and at the same time, give her the appropriate attention she craves? I realize it would be a delicate situation and you'd have to find a male who truly has above-board reasons for taking this on.

 

Thirdly, no phone, no computer, no iPod, nothing. She's disobeyed you and lost your trust.

 

So, my advice is: no dance team, no electronics, and try, if you can, to foster an appropriate male relationship.

 

Sorry you're going through this. :grouphug:

 

But that's my advice. No more dance team,

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Dulcimeramy

I agree with Jean in Newcastle and naturegirl7.

 

Three other things to consider:

 

1. Has she had very thorough sex education? Any girl who is entertaining boys in her bedroom in the middle of the night really, really, really needs to know what's what. A visit to a doctor or a midwife might be in order, too.

 

2. How prepared is she, academically? You say her grades are slipping, but are you sure she is capable of making B's?

 

3. Is it possible for you to get a few more people on your team? An uncle, a Grandpa, a pastor, school guidance counselor, dance team instructor...can you talk with any of these people about your daughter's immediate needs for supervision and loving accountability?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

:grouphug: to you!

 

I have a friend whose dd was getting a little out of control and would slam her bedroom door. Her dad went in and removed her door. Told her that her door was a privilege and not a right. It worked! She hated not having her privacy and after a cooling off period, the door was replaced and she has yet to slam it again!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was this girl....well, actually, I'm pretty sure I was worse.

 

I was in an alternative setting (both living and schooling) for 7th and half of 8th grades. I was highly monitored for trained staff. I still found trouble. I got in major guy trouble when I got out to the extent that the state hospital was considered (as the two previous placements obviously hadn't worked; btw, I don't think that was true. I think they DID work, but not what the doctor and my parents were looking for). My stepmom saved me! I was under lock down and STILL found trouble (not sure my parents found out about that).

 

And then something changed to an extent...btw, and I was in public school. I made new friends in high school. I started doing other things (dance, orchestra, latin, etc). I didn't always make GREAT choices and I still was boy crazy (I so wish I could have changed some of what I did); but I stopped the all-out-bound-for-destruction behavior. I claimed a second v*rg*n*ty and had a very fullfilling couple of years.

 

I honestly wish I could tell you that everything turned out all peaches and cream. Unfortunately, my best friend and I made a mistake ONE night. We decided soon aftwards we were not ready for that. However, a couple weeks later, I had a positive pregnancy test. But how much sooner would that have happened should I have kept up going down SUCH a bad path? What other horrible things could have happened? How much danger would all my sibling have been in had I continued making certain choices I had before?

 

Had this happened since you sent your dd to school, I would have agreed that you would have had to take her out IMMEDIATELY. Consequences have to be followed through on. However, this happened before school was in the picture. I have mixed feelings. I think you could go either direction. If it were me, I'd let her stay in school. And we'd be having some serious discussions over dishes and Starbucks. BTW, I think this is a logical consequence to what happened, not punishment. And it wouldn't be lectures or yelling or anything of the sort. Logically, a parent needs to get in the head of kids like us. We need the additional time and effort. You need to know what is going on inside us and Ideally you'll reach her heart and appeal to her senses (yes, 14yr olds have senses!).

 

You *need* to know her friends. You need to know the guys she's around. You need to know what she is doing 24/7. She needs to be accountable to someone at all times. You have to be a warden to some extent with kids like us! Honestly, it's the first time I felt loved since the divorce! My stepmom took me everywhere with her. Over time, she slowly gave me more responsibility. I appreciated her care and concern. I appreciated her giving me a second chance at life.

 

BTW, our windows were nailed shut. If there had been a fire, we would have broken the darn thing to get out; but it did stop the sneaking out (two of us for two different reasons). I realize many people are not comfortable with that; but as *that* kid, I'm glad it was done.

 

She needs to be involved with meaningful activities, imo. Dance and student council are good, probably; but what life altering opportunities is she having? I had some pretty neat ones in high school, but I wish I had done more. I wish someone would have directed me that way.

 

And I needed a real relationship with my parents. That wasn't really going to happen. The closest I had was with my stepmom which I appreciate as I think I've expressed here. However, there is definitely something to be said for the relationship a teen has with her mom and dad. If one of those parents can't do enough, there are substitutes that may be helpful from other family members to role models in the community to organizations that provide mentors etc. No child can have enough people loving them. And having enough good ones will curtail looking for love in the wrong places.

 

I hope this helps a little....

Edited by 2J5M9K
Link to comment
Share on other sites

First, how did you find out that she had snuck the boy in over the summer? Did she come clean and tell you? And WHY is she sneaking a boy into the house? That would be my biggest concern honestly...

 

Does she have close girl friends? She is telling you that she made new friends - have you met any yet? Did she have any good, close friends last year while being HS'd?

 

Honestly, a GOOD circle of friends can help keep her out of trouble (good peer pressure so to speak). Activities like the dance team and student council will keep her busy (ie less time for boys) and increase her own self esteem. Also most schools require atleast a C average to participate. You can easily make it a requirement for her to have atleast a B average though - or she will have to drop.

 

Remembering back to when I was a teen, I think she was probably just being 14 and stupid. She was rebelling in her own way against the strictness and structure. She wanted attention. Both from the boy and from her family. Being 14 is hard! The raging hormones, the adult decisions when you arent' really an adult yet but definitely are no longer a child... Even more so today - I don't envy these young kids growing up now! they have it so much worse than I had it...I look at my nieces (oldest is 13) and I cringe and truly worry for them.

 

Personally, I would give her a second chance and see if she can turn it around with some help. I would not be a "warden" but she would be on a very short leash - think ankle bracelet. LOL Too strict can jsut cause more rebellion....

Seriously though, if it was me - 1st Pull the cell and computer indefinitely; 2nd She is grounded!! I would allow SC and Dance (be busy, increase self esteem, blackmail for good grades), but nothing else. After a while, if she is behaving, then I'd allow her friends to come hang out at MY house. It would be a very very long time before she earned the right to hang out somewhere though. And I would insist on meeting the friends and their parents first, and know that the parents planned on being around. 3rd I would definitely make a B average requirement. No extracurriculars unless she has a B average. No PS unless she maintains the B average. And NO dating - too much of a distraction if she is serious about focusing on her studies and her extracurrics. Once she can prove that she can handle both and excell, then I would revisit the idea of meeting her like interest and letting them hang out in MY house in the common area.

 

I's also make it known that if I thought she was screwing up - I'd pull her in a heartbeat.

 

Trust is a slow gradual thing to be earned back in baby steps.

 

GL mama!

 

:iagree:

 

I'll just add that I think she should be required to sleep in YOUR room, with you now. When she moves back to her own room, the door needs to be removed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

tough spot...sorry for the angst...a couple of things,

 

1. How did you find out?

 

2. Dad..is he the father of all four? As much as you hate it, he NEEDS to be there in her life badly!!! If she has computer/phone...he can text her, he can do video chat with her..most military bases have access to this...he needs to be apologizing up and down for not being there..then move forward to create some type of healthy relationship...it's imperative...put your feelings aside and make this as easy as possible to happen.

 

3. You're worried about what she did, you need to focus on WHY she did it...have some heart to heart talks with her...let her scream at you about the divorce, let her go nuts on her Dad's absence...let her have her say and do not get defensive...children at that age have a LOT of thoughts, throwing in all this turmoil on them does NOT help, it seems to have all started when your husband left. There are huge fears for children, esp. the oldest when the family unit is torn apart.

 

My parents almost went through a divorce...7 years of mid-life on again/off again...I would so have loved for my mother to 'listen' to us (children)...but she kept saying it wasn't 'our' problem but hers...that only made me more angry...she acted like it should have no effect on us..I still resent that portion today!! Don't let that resentment build and be masked by acting out trying to find a place where she is loved/accepted/needed and doesn't fear losing...

 

I am concerned as well about the dance...I refused to allow my girls to do anything other than ballet in the early years...the makeup/outfits/suggestive moves of even tap/jazz were early sexualization at its best...here you are trying to teach her NOT to want these things but you're condoning her participation in a dance team that is very provocative to boys at this age...mixed signals at best. If she is great at dancing, look into lyrical dancing in church groups/ballet/Irish dancing..those forms are more about the expression of dance not in stimulation...my girls are on a performance Irish dance team...their uniforms are VERY conservative and everything is covered..plus their moves are athletic, not gyrating/grinding/tight clothing...

 

You need to build a self-image that builds her not exploits her...she's finding satisfaction in having something others want...it should be the opposite, finding satisfaction in living this life to serve and see the world for the blessings it gives, not for the instant gratification that is so popular....That is one of the reasons I don't like public school...here in the South the football players are given carte blanche, they don't have to pass their classes, they miss classes, they don't follow dress codes and they're not responsible or punshed (not all, some are great kids, but the South puts football teams on a higher pedestal)...I am a huge football fan, but I can't watch it now without feeling regret...my uncle played for U Pitt..with Mike Ditka...in the good old days...he just died last year from brain deterioration tied to his days as a football player...my son is huge for his age and the football coaches would kill for him, won't let him play b/c his brain is too precious to me, they said EVERY tackle causes brain injury...it's not the concussion that does it but simple jarring...imagine how many 'jars' they get each game, let alone practice...but football means big money, dance teams means the 'in' crowd....but what does it really give our children? A skewed view of their worth.

 

Praying for you and have that CHAT!!!!

Tara

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I didn't read all the responses and my kids aren't that old yet, so keep that in mind.

 

I would immediately take away cell phone and computer. (The only computer should be in the family room anyway, in my opinion, where you can easily check on what she is doing.)

 

Can you remove the door to her bedroom? I would seriously consider doing that, since she can't be trusted.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Go to lowes and spend the money on prickly sticky evergreens or holly bush and plant it in front of her window. little to no room to squeeze behind it and big enough that climbing over it or through it would be hard. My dad also nailed all the windows shut.

 

Remove the door to her bedroom. She can dress in the bathroom if she needs privacy.

 

Allow her NO friends or contact with anyone whom you haven't met first. Meaning if she wants to talk on the phone, text, im or even study with someone, YOU have to SEE them first. If she is standing with someone at school, she can't do it without introducing them to you first. If they are good kids, they won't think twice about meeting mom. the bad ones will run especially if you make it clear that any contact with her means contact with you EVERY SINGLE TIME.

 

My parents did all of this with me when I was a wild child. It curbed things dramatically. it was hard to see my dad or mom walking across the parking lot when they saw me in a group and say "hi I'm her mom and I wanted to meet you. You are Who? Nice to meet you. Phone calls are from 7:00- 9:00, Get to together time is such and such and .....

 

I forget what all the spill was but my parents laid it out clear to everyone single guy and girl these are her rules and they are to be obeyed. I hated it but Mom said once I had shown I could obey the rules myself they wouldn't have to tell everyone what they were. LOL! My friends were too terrified to even think about crossing my parents. that kept me out of a lot of trouble as they would tell me "but your mom will have a cow!!! We can't do that." Party poopers :D Only when I met another wild child did I start getting into trouble again but they busted her butt to the curb and put me back in lockdown and I straightened back up.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: This stage is hard all the way around

Link to comment
Share on other sites

:iagree:

 

I'll just add that I think she should be required to sleep in YOUR room, with you now. When she moves back to her own room, the door needs to be removed.

 

 

I agree for a limited amount of time, and I would get the little window alarms.

 

Since you laid out the consequences, it gets kinda sticky ;), no shame..we've all done it!

 

I would present her with 2 options...Option A: you follow thru with the consequences.

 

Option B: house phone privledges only in main living areas, during set hours (nothing after 10pm.) She sleeps in your room or couch until you can get window alarms on the houses windows. Remove her bedroom door...for another set amount of time, but I would allow a privacy curtain.

 

Then she can earn back privledges as she build trust...phone, computer, door.

 

I'm also unsure I would allow her to spend the night anywhere, until she had earned back those privledges.

 

Again, she gets to pick.

 

And I would be looking for a good family counselor. This is not something I would want to handle completely on my own!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know you think your relationship is toast because she lied to you, but I would encourage you to think she is more in need of guidance and care. She needs to know you're angry, but she also needs to know that you two can fix this together. It's easy to push some kinds of kids away with our anger, and what we want to do is draw them closer.

 

She may need you desperately and very much value what you say. She probably does not feel at all good about what she did and I'll bet she wishes she could see her way out of this mess...she sounds very impulsive. Think about bringing this boy out of the shadows and into your living room. I understand you may need to restrict phones and computers for a bit, but let her know that you want to meet her friends. That there is nothing she needs to be sneaky about. You want to know what is going on in her life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just to echo some of what has already been so well said...

 

1) I would make her sleep in my room, and take the door off of her room.

 

2) I wouldn't necessarily remove her from dance team yet (really depends upon how you found out, if she was truly contrite, etc.) However, that 80% average should be non-negotiable. However... There is some transition she probably needs to do from home school to learning how to juggle her schedule again -- and this may be an area you can work with her on. Sit down with a planner/schedule, and help her write out her commitments, study time, etc. Give her a specific time period (end of 1st quarter), but that you will monitor progress. If minimum acceptable grades aren't there, something has to go. She's just doing too much.

 

3) Phone would be gone. Computer would be on the kitchen table, or other open area, with internet access blocked (have to enter a password to get on, and only YOU know the password). That kind of thing.

 

4) No Boys -- or "group dates" for entire 1st quarter. It's just school, pre-approved extra curricular activities and then home.

 

5) She needs to know "what's what" -- The older episodes of Secret Life of the American Teenager can be helpful in starting this discussion. There are probably other movies (14 and pregnant? 16 and pregnant?) or some such. I would *not* watch the television program with a similiar title... everyone was just waaayy too excited about the pregnancies (even the teen-aged parents)

 

Of course, if she really wants to misbehave, she's going to find a way, no matter what you try. She is trying to fill a "void" left by her father -- maybe some communication on that topic (how she feels about her father leaving... what she wants from a relationship with a boy... etc.) may help.

 

:grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know you think your relationship is toast because she lied to you, but I would encourage you to think she is more in need of guidance and care. She needs to know you're angry, but she also needs to know that you two can fix this together. It's easy to push some kinds of kids away with our anger, and what we want to do is draw them closer.

 

She may need you desperately and very much value what you say. She probably does not feel at all good about what she did and I'll bet she wishes she could see her way out of this mess...she sounds very impulsive. Think about bringing this boy out of the shadows and into your living room. I understand you may need to restrict phones and computers for a bit, but let her know that you want to meet her friends. That there is nothing she needs to be sneaky about. You want to know what is going on in her life.

 

:iagree:This too! It's a hard balance, and it is possible to punish a kid into more rebellion. Take her out...talk, talk, and listen, listen, listen :D. There can still be consequences, but your relationship is what is important!!! I still remember when I snuck out of the house, but I really wanted my mom to find me. So, I wrote were we where going in my diary and left it on my bed...she came and found me ;) Sometimes, those of us without a dad in the picture really struggle.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

 

I don't know the best way to go about doing this- maybe just make a dr appointment and take her to it - but I think you need to be having your daughter checked to see if she is pregnant. If she is and finds out before you do, she may try to hide it from you. Some girls would secretly have an abortion.

 

edited to add

If you plan on giving her a home pregnancy test, do not tell her ahead of time because she could borrow the urine of a friend, if she is inclined to try to deceive you.

Edited by Miss Sherry
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dance is no reason to enroll in PS. Personally I wouldn't want my dds involved in any way with any of the "dance" programs I've seen.

 

I'd leash her to me. No privileges, no phone, no computer, not even a door. No PS. Pregnancy test. Disassemble her room. She blew it.

 

I admit I'm tough on my kids. And I don't post about it much, but we do have heart to hearts. But I don't believe that's enough. You told her what the consequence were going to be, now follow through, or don't expect her behavior to change.

 

I'd set a cold hard example. You have three younger children.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you want to let her stay in school and on the dance team, then do that. I would keep the phone and computer (I actually can't imagine letting a 14 year old girl have access to a computer in her room anyway). I would not let her spend the night out (I wouldn't let an almost perfect 14 year old spend the night out). She would not be going to parties and hanging out unsupervised.

 

But I would try not to overreact. Ultimately, she will do what she wants with her own body, and there is not much you can do to 100% prevent that. I would make sure she has a very specific and secure s@x ed, that she understands the emotional, physical and social risks of intimacy, that she understand that intercourse is not the only kind of intimacy that can be compromising. I would talk to her about exactly and specifically why you feel upset by the idea of her engaging in s@xual behavior. Talk to her about how it might feel, for example, if this boy were to tell everyone, true or not, that she performed certain s@xual acts upon him.

 

Ultimately, if she can't keep her grades up, it sounds like you will take her out of school anyway. If she keeps her grades up, is on student counsel, is on dance team, and is behaving herself with you and your other children, then I would just play this out over time, keeping a closer eye on her than you may want to.

 

But for me, it would be a great reason to just dispense with having phones and computers for a teen.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Someone else hinted on this, but I wanted to reiterate (sp?) the importance of a postive male role model in your daughter's life. With her father being pretty much out of the picture, she is looking to boys to feel that male void in her life. Fourteen is very young to be doing this- could you imagine if she ended up pregnant now? I would look to men at church, in your family, community, etc. who might be willing to invest time in your children's lives.

She definately needs to be punished though. I might have her help out once a week at a crisis pregnancy center, maybe helping with childcare? That would scare her into behaving :)

This is what I was "hinting" at. But since she has an MIA dad it's very hard. Agreeing someone needs to fullfill this, an uncle?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

GENERALIZATION AHEAD: From what I've seen of public school dance teams, they don't exactly promote wholesome moves, clothing or music. If it were me, I'd remove her from that immediately.

 

Secondly, your dh moved out when she was what, 10? Right before puberty hit? I'm willing to bet somewhere in her heart is a yearning for fatherly/manly attention and it's showing itself in this inappropriate way. I'm also willing to bet she has no idea why she's this "boy crazy". I've read that it's not uncommon for girls who have absent fathers to seek out male attention. I don't say this in an accusing or judgmental way at all; her father has failed her as a male role model. Is there a way to foster an appropriate relationship with another male (uncle? Grandfather? father of a friend?) that could teacher her how to behave with males and at the same time, give her the appropriate attention she craves? I realize it would be a delicate situation and you'd have to find a male who truly has above-board reasons for taking this on.

 

Thirdly, no phone, no computer, no iPod, nothing. She's disobeyed you and lost your trust.

 

So, my advice is: no dance team, no electronics, and try, if you can, to foster an appropriate male relationship.

 

Sorry you're going through this. :grouphug:

 

But that's my advice. No more dance team,

Agreeing, especially with the bold

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If it were my dd, I'd pull her from school and dance. And I'd be honest with her, and cry with her, and share that I am so sad too. I'd cry and hug her and say "I know! I know! I'm so sad too, I wanted so much for you to experience this, but it can't happen now." Honey, I'd rather burst this beautiful bubble than not do enough and she turns wild in a few short months. It's all about trust and relationship and regardless of what she is spouting now about it being in the past and she doesn't even talk to that boy anymore, who really cares? There will be other boys. She has given you HUGE red flags here; do not ignore them or you'll regret it and so will she in the long run. She's a girl that needs a LOT of guidance and love right now and you can't do that while she's in school. Fight for her, mom. Do the hard thing because she needs you to. You need to be mom and dad right now, so pull up your boots and do this hard thing. :grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If it were my dd, I'd pull her from school and dance. And I'd be honest with her, and cry with her, and share that I am so sad too. I'd cry and hug her and say "I know! I know! I'm so sad too, I wanted so much for you to experience this, but it can't happen now." Honey, I'd rather burst this beautiful bubble than not do enough and she turns wild in a few short months. It's all about trust and relationship and regardless of what she is spouting now about it being in the past and she doesn't even talk to that boy anymore, who really cares? There will be other boys. She has given you HUGE red flags here; do not ignore them or you'll regret it and so will she in the long run. She's a girl that needs a LOT of guidance and love right now and you can't do that while she's in school. Fight for her, mom. Do the hard thing because she needs you to. You need to be mom and dad right now, so pull up your boots and do this hard thing. :grouphug:

Wonderful and sweet advice! Almost brought ME to tears!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If it were my dd, I'd pull her from school and dance. And I'd be honest with her, and cry with her, and share that I am so sad too. I'd cry and hug her and say "I know! I know! I'm so sad too, I wanted so much for you to experience this, but it can't happen now." Honey, I'd rather burst this beautiful bubble than not do enough and she turns wild in a few short months. It's all about trust and relationship and regardless of what she is spouting now about it being in the past and she doesn't even talk to that boy anymore, who really cares? There will be other boys. She has given you HUGE red flags here; do not ignore them or you'll regret it and so will she in the long run. She's a girl that needs a LOT of guidance and love right now and you can't do that while she's in school. Fight for her, mom. Do the hard thing because she needs you to. You need to be mom and dad right now, so pull up your boots and do this hard thing. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: :grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I side on the safety/drastic measures view of the problem. I am sorry to say that I personally know three young ladies (age range 14-16) who are living a nightmare...all three raped and it is all related to rebellious behavior. Yes, the boys/men who did it to them should be taken out an castrated and the fathers of these young ladies should have the first go at that procedure, but in reality, had they been following house rules, they wouldn't have been in that boat.

 

Bad things happen to impulsive, immature kids when they do things like this. Even if you are worried that the discipline and consequences will close lines of communication between her and you, you must consider what "giving her another chance" will appear like to the three younger siblings. I think that if you continue to allow her to attend PS, go to dance team, etc. you could be setting yourself up for trouble with the others.

 

It's rotten....I also willingly admit that she may not turn around in terms of her attitude...some kids are absolutely determined to rebel against authority and reasonable rules. But, you can try to keep her safe for as long as possible.

 

Oh, and wild blackberry bushes grow pretty rapidly and the thorns are brutal. We planted some under our niece's window when she lived with us and it deterred her from climbing down.

 

Faith

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I, too, was this girl. It started the summer before 7th grade...and got worse way before it got better.

I was the typical middle-class perfectly normal girl from a mostly normal, dysfunctional nuclear family.

My mom and I did not have a relationship really, not sure why, but "sharing" never happened with us. My dad was there, he loved me, but it wasn't what a child needs to know her value...

Enter boys. With each decision i went a little further down the wrong path. I didn't go from "doing good" to "hiv test at the health clinic" in 2 days. I didn't go from "drugs are so gross and only scuzzy people do them" to "every one I know/hang with does them" in 1 night either.

You don't wake up one day and decide this is the day I will screw up big time.

You can let her know you are lowering the boom without saying you don't trust her. You can make an enormous deal about what you found out!! Take her off the dance team etc and if she uses the "i did all of that before", you say "I allowed you to do all of this with the assumption that none of this happened. I'm sorry, but you got freedoms for something you didn't really earn." She knows it. But, here's the thing (for me), she needs to know that SHE is worth more than being allowed to dance. And that you know her worth even as she is figuring it out. And that you can not stop her from making certain choices but you can make them hard to make. And I would absolutely do that. Don't make it a distrust issue...make it a worth issue.

I am going to share some very vivid memories, as a girl who needed to feel love and protection, and found it where ever it was offered.

* I clearly remember being at a high school party that I should not have been at (and gee, at that point I was "only" drinking) and seeing a friend's mom come storming through the house to find her daughter who was also not where she said she'd be. The friend was mortified of course, but the mom didn't care. As they passed me on the way out I distinctly remember thinking "wow, I wish my mom cared enough to come find me and storm through the house to get me." That was 20+ years ago...and the feeling is still there.

* I remember the day my dad, without saying a word about why, installed storm windows to only my windows and screwed them shut (I could have broken them in case of fire, no worries). Why? He finally found out about the sneaking in and out. Do you know what I felt? Relief. Finally there was a deterant for me. Finally it wasn't up to me to make a decision that was beyond my maturity level to resist (the peer pressure/hormone level/denial of worth etc). I was 14. No, it didn't solve the problem because then I just started staying out later or not coming home...know why? No one stopped me. My choice of friends was getting worse, I was graduating to the next level of abuse because drinking was so easy.

* At 17 when I finally caved to a boyfriend and started doing acid+drinking etc I remember driving home (yep, driving home like that) passing a police and thinking "man, won't anyone stop me? I want out of this life!! Someone stop me! Someone care!!!". I still remember that thought when I go back home and am driving on that road. 20 years ago, and I remember wanting someone to stop me because I couldn't seem to stop myself.

 

I could go on. But my point is this: She has a need that she needs filled. The obvious guess is a daddy who loves and protects her and thinks she is worth more than anything. You can't give that to her and that's nothing to feel bad about on your part. My dad was there and still, at the same time, was not. BUT you can make it unbelievably clear to her that she is worth way more than the choices she's making because of this. You can make it clear that you may not win every time but you will not give up and you will not let it be easy. Because you love her. oh my word, what i wouldn't have done to hear those words.

 

Find some where she can pour out unconditional love and watch her change. A pediatric cancer hospital?

 

I didn't hit rock bottom until I was 23. It was at 20 that I found myself in a local health dept being tested for HIV...ALONE. The shear number of risk factors I had to mark was sobering. And I sat there on the day of the results and knew I would have NO ONE if the nurse said "positive". Yes, I knew my parents would have never been my parents again. Be sure your daughter knows different. I was negative. And yet, still, I had 3 more years of crap to go. By then I was moved away to college and was actually starting my cycle all over again. when you start with all new friends you really can start over. but after starting to drink again and realizing the cycle was starting over (needing a guy to feel loved), praise God I hit rock bottom. God was the only one that reached me (that's a whole other novel), they only one I trusted. And I found my worth. But still, I wish the people along the way had not let me get away with so much so easily.

 

So I say...nail the windows shut. take the door off her room. set an alarm for bed check. lower the boom. dance team will be there next year. don't let her just skate by.

 

sorry to ramble.

 

*eta* I don't blame any one for the decisions I made! Not at all. I made them all by myself. I just wish it had been harder to get away with so much.

Edited by mom2hunangirls
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

 

I don't know the best way to go about doing this- maybe just make a dr appointment and take her to it - but I think you need to be having your daughter checked to see if she is pregnant. If she is and finds out before you do, she may try to hide it from you. Some girls would secretly have an abortion.

 

edited to add

If you plan on giving her a home pregnancy test, do not tell her ahead of time because she could borrow the urine of a friend, if she is inclined to try to deceive you.

 

Yes, this. I'm glad somebody brought it up. I'm not sure what she told you happened on these nights....but you need to have her take a pregnancy test as well as get checked for STD's.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I, too, was this girl. It started the summer before 7th grade...and got worse way before it got better.

I was the typical middle-class perfectly normal girl from a mostly normal, dysfunctional nuclear family.

My mom and I did not have a relationship really, not sure why, but "sharing" never happened with us. My dad was there, he loved me, but it wasn't what a child needs to know her value...

Enter boys. With each decision i went a little further down the wrong path. I didn't go from "doing good" to "hiv test at the health clinic" in 2 days. I didn't go from "drugs are so gross and only scuzzy people do them" to "every one I know/hang with does them" in 1 night either.

You don't wake up one day and decide this is the day I will screw up big time.

You can let her know you are lowering the boom without saying you don't trust her. You can make an enormous deal about what you found out!! Take her off the dance team etc and if she uses the "i did all of that before", you say "I allowed you to do all of this with the assumption that none of this happened. I'm sorry, but you got freedoms for something you didn't really earn." She knows it. But, here's the thing (for me), she needs to know that SHE is worth more than being allowed to dance. And that you know her worth even as she is figuring it out. And that you can not stop her from making certain choices but you can make them hard to make. And I would absolutely do that. Don't make it a distrust issue...make it a worth issue.

I am going to share some very vivid memories, as a girl who needed to feel love and protection, and found it where ever it was offered.

* I clearly remember being at a high school party that I should not have been at (and gee, at that point I was "only" drinking) and seeing a friend's mom come storming through the house to find her daughter who was also not where she said she'd be. The friend was mortified of course, but the mom didn't care. As they passed me on the way out I distinctly remember thinking "wow, I wish my mom cared enough to come find me and storm through the house to get me." That was 20+ years ago...and the feeling is still there.

* I remember the day my dad, without saying a word about why, installed storm windows to only my windows and screwed them shut (I could have broken them in case of fire, no worries). Why? He finally found out about the sneaking in and out. Do you know what I felt? Relief. Finally there was a deterant for me. Finally it wasn't up to me to make a decision that was beyond my maturity level to resist (the peer pressure/hormone level/denial of worth etc). I was 14. No, it didn't solve the problem because then I just started staying out later or not coming home...know why? No one stopped me. My choice of friends was getting worse, I was graduating to the next level of abuse because drinking was so easy.

* At 17 when I finally caved to a boyfriend and started doing acid+drinking etc I remember driving home (yep, driving home like that) passing a police and thinking "man, won't anyone stop me? I want out of this life!! Someone stop me! Someone care!!!". I still remember that thought when I go back home and am driving on that road. 20 years ago, and I remember wanting someone to stop me because I couldn't seem to stop myself.

 

I could go on. But my point is this: She has a need that she needs filled. The obvious guess is a daddy who loves and protects her and thinks she is worth more than anything. You can't give that to her and that's nothing to feel bad about on your part. My dad was there and still, at the same time, was not. BUT you can make it unbelievably clear to her that she is worth way more than the choices she's making because of this. You can make it clear that you may not win every time but you will not give up and you will not let it be easy. Because you love her. oh my word, what i wouldn't have done to hear those words.

 

Find some where she can pour out unconditional love and watch her change. A pediatric cancer hospital?

 

I didn't hit rock bottom until I was 23. It was at 20 that I found myself in a local health dept being tested for HIV...ALONE. The shear number of risk factors I had to mark was sobering. And I sat there on the day of the results and knew I would have NO ONE if the nurse said "positive". Yes, I knew my parents would have never been my parents again. Be sure your daughter knows different. I was negative. And yet, still, I had 3 more years of crap to go. By then I was moved away to college and was actually starting my cycle all over again. when you start with all new friends you really can start over. but after starting to drink again and realizing the cycle was starting over (needing a guy to feel loved), praise God I hit rock bottom. God was the only one that reached me (that's a whole other novel), they only one I trusted. And I found my worth. But still, I wish the people along the way had not let me get away with so much so easily.

 

So I say...nail the windows shut. take the door off her room. set an alarm for bed check. lower the boom. dance team will be there next year. don't let her just skate by.

 

sorry to ramble.

 

*eta* I don't blame any one for the decisions I made! Not at all. I made them all by myself. I just wish it had been harder to get away with so much.

 

Thank you so much for sharing this. We are going through trials with my 16 yo dd-- nothing quite so bad as sneaking out or drug use, just trials. Your post really hit home for me. It takes more than 'two days', but little things begin to add up. I needed the reminder.

((Hugs to you!))

Margaret

Link to comment
Share on other sites

* I remember the day my dad, without saying a word about why, installed storm windows to only my windows and screwed them shut (I could have broken them in case of fire, no worries). Why? He finally found out about the sneaking in and out. Do you know what I felt? Relief. Finally there was a deterant for me. Finally it wasn't up to me to make a decision that was beyond my maturity level to resist (the peer pressure/hormone level/denial of worth etc). I was 14.

 

Yep.

 

I just wanted to reiterate that though I believe that she needs:

 

1) a stronger relationship

2) a warden if necessary

3) more people involved (uncle, elder, someone)

4) meaningful activity

5) heart to hearts

 

I DEFINITELY believe you MUST act with strength and conviction. The consequences are to protect her because she's not in a position to protect herself. The idea isn't to "make her pay" like most punishment is. The idea is:

 

1) the window is permanently shut so no one can get in (or her get out)

2) the door is taken so she is adequately supervised

3) she's tomato-staked so as to develop the relationship and keep her from the consequences of dire mistakes

4) she's kept busy to keep her out of trouble and to help her feel valuable

5) school/activity changes as you feel necessary

 

And so on. I appreciate my stepmom for saving my life (and my life very well could have been at stake!). I appreciate the choices being made for me. I appreciated the relationship building. Sure, it was a pain sometimes when I wanted a nap and had to go pick up my baby sister with her because I couldn't be left in the house. And sometimes we both were sick of the short leash. But it was the best thing for me. And I did appreciate it to some degree then and definitely as I got older.

 

You have to protect her.

 

BTW, some counseling may be a good idea. And if she were in our house, it would include a good bit of Bible Study (our religion has a good book for teens which I'd gladly send you if you'd like).

 

Anyway, please protect her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Our agreement was simply that you date within my rules and that you keep your GPA to nothing below an 80 (which to me was low and therefore highly attainable). Well her GPA is all over the place. Three classes are low C's already and it's only the 3rd week of school.

 

Then I found out yesterday that she snuck a boy into my house FOUR times this summer before school even started. This all happened sometime in July before she went back to school.

 

Anyone familiar with Love and Logic? I am going to get the book but wonder what they'd recommend?

 

I'm pretty sure that they would say that the stuff about the dance team and the student council are diversions from the real issue.

 

The agreement was that her GPA would stay above 80. Is it? If not, she has broken the terms of the agreement (which I hope you got in writing).

 

Consequence: pull her out.

 

The boy in the room issue is not a part of the school issue, though it does tell you that she cannot be trusted.

 

Did she tell you about the boy? Voluntarily? IF so, then I would still have the same consequences, but I'd be nicer about them, if you know what I mean.

 

1. Immediate call to dad to let him know what happened.

2. Trip to doctor to discuss consequences of unprotected sex, even if NOTHING happened.

3. STD testing if anything DID happen... you might want to let the nurse talk to her about this if there is a chance she won't tell you. Either way, she needs to be asked point blank about what exactly happened, and you may need to insist on the testing even if she says nothing happened in case she is lying... Now if she told you voluntarily, I'd explain the consequences of the STD's and ask her whether she needs to be tested for ANY of them. Let her know that you aren't going to be mad about what she tells you, but you are concerned about her health.

4. Loss of trust means no more sleepovers her, alarms on her windows, big prickly bushes outside windows, etc. I'm not sure I would take her door...yet. I would certainly make her change rooms, but only after I put an alarm on the window in case the boy comes back.

5. Written agreement for how she can earn back trust and consequences for breaking trust again.

 

I'd save up for motion sensor lights and/or a yippy little dog.

 

ETA: I'd do all this with love and hugs and tears and sympathy for the consequences (and they are adult consequences) that she has brought down on herself.

Edited by Old Dominion Heather
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Another option for the window to compromise between safety and verifiability would be to lock the window and put strong signed tape over the lock so that the tape cannot be broken or removed without it being obvious.

 

Way too easy! :) Trust me. :ohmy:

Practically speaking, very few are going to unlock the window and open it and remove the screen to get out in the case of fire. As long as it's breakable, it's just as safe. I'm not saying screw it shut from the time they are 6 months old, just at the first sign of trouble...until they are 18.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So sorry. That is VERY hard. Be careful about believing what she says when she has already been deceptive. My sister's daughter went that route and always had a story and/or an excuse. She is now 22 with 2 children from different fathers and both have been taken away from her. My sister is raising one. I would think about taking her out of the situation now while she's 14.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I want to say something nice about dance. lol My own dds have never done dance at school but there is an indoor dance team at my son's high school. They dance with the indoor percussion group: Drummers drumming, dancers dancing. They are amazing. Nothing sleazy about it.

 

Just sayin'.

Edited by LibraryLover
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Way too easy! :) Trust me. :ohmy:

Practically speaking, very few are going to unlock the window and open it and remove the screen to get out in the case of fire. As long as it's breakable, it's just as safe. I'm not saying screw it shut from the time they are 6 months old, just at the first sign of trouble...until they are 18.

 

I agree. My sister used to sneak her boyfriend in the window. Dad found out and nailed it shut. My sister worked on those nails slowly over a long time until they would slip out. Dad would check them and see them still in the window, but he never tried to pull them out. Boyfriend still snuck in the window, every night, for years.

 

Nip it in the bud. It sounds like you pulled your dd from school because you could see this coming. If this was my dd, I would come down really hard. It will continue if you do not monitor everything she does from now on. As a younger sib who saw this happen in our family, I wish my father had been harsher and more vigilant with my sister.

 

Melissa

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A lot has been said and I haven't read all of the posts but two things are clear to me:

 

1. There must be consequences for her actions. And I agree that this happened while she was being home schooled so I am not sure taking her out of school is going to help.

 

2. She is missing something if she is this boy crazy...and the father figure is the obvious answer. My suggestion would not be to try and find her one. I think you would have done that by now if you could. I'd suggest therapy. Let her talk through her feelings and find appropriate ways to vent them.

 

I am sorry I cannot help more...I will pray for you.

 

-Savannah

http://www.hammocktracks.com

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Like Mamato2hunangirls I was that girl once too.....

 

I can tell you specifically what I needed at that age. My parents were divorced too. Dad was in the picture, but had his faults. My mom had custody but was very removed. She spent the night away with boyfriends 5 out of 7 nights. I acted out...hung out with pot heads (didn't smoke myself though, only because it made me vomit), drank and was totally BOY CRAZY.

 

All I wanted was my mom to pay attention to me. I still remember telling her this and her laughing and saying, "What, do you want me to go shopping with you or to the movies?" like it was a totally ridiculous idea. And yes, that is all I wanted, her to go to the movies or shopping. Not once, but regularly.

 

I don't know what your daughter's "hole" might be. What she is missing. I would encourage you to talk to her about it and find the best way to provide it.

 

Regardless of any punishment you give, it won't be effective, unless you can find and fill her hole. Faith and church helped for me, but that wasn't until I was an adult.

 

I can't say what would have happened to me if my mom had worked on our relationship. I think it would've curtailed my behavior. I know with my oldest (16) I have to regularly remind myself to engage and connect with her in a positive way, especially when I see something negative coming up in her behavior.

 

Many hugs!

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...