Help me decide ....PS or HS? .....

[lindaO in Va]

I really need help in deciding what to do ....I am so stressed out and overwhelmed .....but to make it short ...here goes.....

 

I have 8 yo dd (adopted at birth) who has sensory, ADHD, and possible fetal alcohol issues. We are having TERRIBLE defiance, disobedience, bullying issues and our whole family is miserable. We have endured this for quite some time trying all kinds of techniques, like change of diet to almost organic, praising positive, etc. I'm just exhausted from all of this. I have NO help or support from friends, family, or spouse. I am back at a counselors office who deals with these issues and she suggest that I send child to public school for lots of reasons .....it would give both of us a break, they have staff specialized to help deal with issues, child will have to learn social skills, and she will be in a structure environment so that she will not be bored all day. The whole thing that gets my corn popping is that this child behaves so well for other people, she's very cooperative and pays attention ....just not me. She battles me all day arguing, whining, bullying and torturing her sister, she refuses to do school, she interrupts so that I cannot do school with her sister. Things need to be put up because she is always into things she shouldn't be and she needs constant attention. Therefore, I am forgetting where I put things, I get nothing done, and at the end of the day "I am not liking this anymore" and I am ready to run out the door and escape the torture myself.

 

I am really not looking forward to dealing with the school system at all. I have a religious exemption and basically told the school I would NEVER send my children there. Then, what happens if school makes matters worse? I have already decided that I will probably pull her back out before she reaches 6th grade and so I will have to deal with that. She should be starting this year as 2nd grade.

 

I am also under alot of stress because we are building an addition on to our house (for the past 8 years) and we are living in small quarters where we are all sharing 1 bedroom, no closets, and things are piling up everywhere because there is no where to put stuff. I've always grown up in a nice neat home and all this clutter is really getting me down too.

 

Perhaps there is someone out there who has "been there, done that" or maybe you all could help me clear my mind so I can think straight.

 

I'm feeling like the "Jet Blue" guy .....where's the shute.!!!!!!!!!!!

[AK_Mom4]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

We have a child like yours in our extended family - fetal alcohol, ADHD, and probably more stuff. This child's mom would like to home school him, but frankly it's just a bit more than she can handle. They do best when he goes to school each day and has a regular schedule and she gets a bit of a break.

 

I don't think it's EASIER to have a special needs child in a ps setting than to have them at home - it's alot of work dealing with the school all the time. But since it sounds from your post like it might be something you both need right now, maybe you can give it a try and evaluate after a month.

 

Again - lots of hugs!

[SonshineLearner]

If you have money for 2 days of childcare perhaps someone to do some fun Science Museum things with her?? or... anything that lets you have some time away?? I would have to be involved with the PS with a child who could have fun "telling lies".... can you imagine?? How about a Christian School part time?? I'd look for alternatives..

:( Sorry this is happening to you!

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[sheryl]

Linda,

 

OK, there will be some who may disagree with this and it may appear I'm having a love affair with meds....but truly I'm not.

 

We too grow organic vegetables and etc, etc. Sugar is almost non-existent in my 11 yo dd, etc.

 

However, it may very well be she has a "chemical imbalance" especially due to the fetal alcohol condition. This would make sense. If the bio M was consuming alot of alcohol and at that stage of development which does the most harm to the baby, then the apple cart has been upset. It sounds to me like she has a chemical imbalance and I'd take her to a psychiatrist with a full explanation of that to determine if meds might help her.

 

My dd has a chemical imbalance. She has add, adhd and is on meds. She is 2.5 years seizure free and I was even considering not putting her on neurological meds. However, that could have killed her. So, she's been on meds and she's been fine. What surfaced as a result of the epilepsy was: poor behavior in almost every way imaginable. So, we addressed this with her neurologist who suggested a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist has prescribed behavioral meds with have been a blessing. In time my dd will stop going to the psychiatrist and continue with the psychologist we've been going to for a few months. In time, we are hoping she'll be able to even stop the psychologist. In time we're told she'll more than likely outgrow her seizure traits and be weaned from those meds all togther.

 

So, in short, I'd compile a list of concerns and address with the appropriate doctor.

 

I would not send her to the ps....I share the same reasons with you. HTH! Sheryl <><

[merry gardens]

It sounds like you are miserable at home. :( I agree with the poster that said sending her to ps may not be easier if you consider the time you'll spend dealing with school officials, but it sounds like you can use a break and time to focus on your other dd. It breaks my heart to see how sometimes other kids can get lost in the shuffle of dealing with a special needs sibling. And, by the way, it is not a failure on your part or a reflection on your homeschooling / mothering skills to ask for help when you need it :grouphug:

:iagree:

 

The decision to homeschool or to send a child to school doesn't have to be "forever." Homeschooling a special needs child is difficult even with the support of friends, family and spouse. What does your husband think?

 

That your child behaves well for other people is to your credit! Don't take it personally. You're obviously doing something right since she knows that bad behavior is not acceptable in front of others. Children test the limits and boundaries. You've shown her that there are limits and boundaries. Good work!

 

(Disclaimer before reading the following: I'm not a perfect housekeeper by any stretch of the imagination! I bring up these questions and issues based on my own observations from my life.)

 

The chaos of home construction might also be making this situation even harder than you realize. The word "disorder" in learning disorders stands out to me.

 

How soon until your home improvement project is complete? Can your formal homeschooling be delayed a little while you get your home in order? If the home construction won't be completed for a long time, maybe rent some storage to store things you don't need daily. Maybe invest in a storage cabinet(s) that locks so you can find what you put away. (I've homeschooled with toddlers running around--childproof locks are my friend.)

 

When I homeschool, organizing our home (and keeping it organized) is an important part of organizing my children's learning environments. Ordering the learning environment aids in ordering the mind. Can organizing your home become part of your homeschooling? I found some great manipulatives for sorting and organizing sold at a special needs website, but I didn't buy them. Instead, seeing those items gave me the idea to help my children sort some of their disorganized toys into categories of "like" and "dislike", and then we put them away. Sorting and organizing is educational. I saved money, and we cleaned the house!:D Another day I stopped doing laundry to start schoolwork. The math lesson was on matching. My kindergartener drew lines from one sock to the matching sock in the math workbook--which we could have done with real socks if I had finished the laundry.:tongue_smilie: Many learning materials try to simply duplicate the type of sorting and organizing opportunities that stand right before our very eyes!

 

Disorder breeds disorder, and order breeds order. If you need to clear your mind so you can think straight, try reducing the clutter around your home. That might help you enjoy your homelife better.

Edited August 19, 2010 by merry gardens

[Guest Cheryl in SoCal]

I really need help in deciding what to do ....I am so stressed out and overwhelmed .....but to make it short ...here goes.....

 

I have 8 yo dd (adopted at birth) who has sensory, ADHD, and possible fetal alcohol issues. We are having TERRIBLE defiance, disobedience, bullying issues and our whole family is miserable. We have endured this for quite some time trying all kinds of techniques, like change of diet to almost organic, praising positive, etc. I'm just exhausted from all of this. I have NO help or support from friends, family, or spouse. I am back at a counselors office who deals with these issues and she suggest that I send child to public school for lots of reasons .....it would give both of us a break, they have staff specialized to help deal with issues, child will have to learn social skills, and she will be in a structure environment so that she will not be bored all day. The whole thing that gets my corn popping is that this child behaves so well for other people, she's very cooperative and pays attention ....just not me. She battles me all day arguing, whining, bullying and torturing her sister, she refuses to do school, she interrupts so that I cannot do school with her sister. Things need to be put up because she is always into things she shouldn't be and she needs constant attention. Therefore, I am forgetting where I put things, I get nothing done, and at the end of the day "I am not liking this anymore" and I am ready to run out the door and escape the torture myself.

 

I am really not looking forward to dealing with the school system at all. I have a religious exemption and basically told the school I would NEVER send my children there. Then, what happens if school makes matters worse? I have already decided that I will probably pull her back out before she reaches 6th grade and so I will have to deal with that. She should be starting this year as 2nd grade.

 

I am also under alot of stress because we are building an addition on to our house (for the past 8 years) and we are living in small quarters where we are all sharing 1 bedroom, no closets, and things are piling up everywhere because there is no where to put stuff. I've always grown up in a nice neat home and all this clutter is really getting me down too.

 

Perhaps there is someone out there who has "been there, done that" or maybe you all could help me clear my mind so I can think straight.

 

I'm feeling like the "Jet Blue" guy .....where's the shute.!!!!!!!!!!!

This makes me wonder if you are also dealing with attachment issues on top of everything else. I would want to investigate that as a possibility (with an attachment therapist if at all possible) before making a decision.

[mykdsmomy]

My ds6 sounds A LOT like your dd. It's par for the course when dealing with FASD's :(

 

Our decision to homeschool him was (and still is) a constant inner struggle. We tried ps for a month (in K last year) and it got to the point where he would literally refuse to get in the car. He would kick, scream, hang onto the car door and not get in. It looked like a scene from WWF every morning :( I hated the fact that ps stressed him out so much. Even though he had a speech, OT and RSP support, he still had a hard time because he needs someone with him 24/7 one on one. We couldn't get the school to agree to that until THEY saw he needed it. I wasn't willing to wait while my child suffered through horrific anxiety.

 

That said, if he LIKED going, I would put him in and give it a shot. My ds can hold it together (more so when he was younger than now though) with other people better than at home. That was another problem, he would hold it together during school and then come home and melt down til bedtime.

 

So it honestly boils down to this: What kind of support do you have at the local ps? Are you in a place financially where you could hire an advocate if need be? Does your dd WANT to go? Has she ever been? How is she when she comes home from other places where she's "held it together"?

 

I'd be happy to help you brainstorm :) Also feel free to PM me.

 

Oh one more thing.... you mentioned she has a counselor who understands her behaviors? Does she know much about FASD? This is the KEY! Therapists, teachers, counselors, pediatricians, even developmental pediatricians RARELY know much about FASD. They still will suggest traditional behavioral modification which rarely work for our kids.

 

Check out these websites: http://www.come-over.to/FASCRC/ (tons of great articles and tools to help you)

http://www.nofas.org/educator/teaching.aspx

[Dobela]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I can feel your pain thru the post. You are in a seriously stressful situation. I would be stressed out with just one of those things happening in my home.

 

If you have not researched Reactive Attachment Disorder, please do. Even though you have had this child since birth, she has classic signs of RAD. The use of drugs and alcohol during pregnancy can cause RAD even if the child is forever with a loving home after that.

 

I know you are trying to make the best decision for your child, but the first person you need to be taking care of right now is yourself. You need a break from this child and all the chaos that is happening. If you really don't want to send her to public school, then you need to find ways to give yourself a break. Join Bible study, a parent support group, go knitting once a week, have a sitter one day a week so you can properly organize your house... If your dd has diagnosed serious disabilities, find out of you can apply for Medicaid Waiver respite services - that will pay for a sitter for this child so you can have a much needed break.

 

Only when you are getting some rest and much needed breaks will you be able to move forward. Public school can be a hassle. But it can also be a dream come true. I know another adoptive mom in our area that has sent 2 (they have gradually adopted over 10 children) to public school while she homeschools the others. Those 2 children are the most difficult of all her children. She gets very annoyed with the school at times but there have also been other benefits - like access to other services in the community, planning for life as an adult and transitioning the child into adulthood with job training and such. At least twice the school has helped her get services that she was denied while homeschooling. One of the best things she describes though is how she no longer feels like she is living in a battlefield. When her child comes home, she can love her and hug her and they can talk about her day. They still have serious problems but she can look forward to her days now. Before it was all conflict all day.

 

So, if you are worn out and exhausted, I would seriously consider public school. It isn't a forever decision. When the house is finished, bring her home. Or after you have had a chance to recover and get the house and the other kids some nice uninterrupted attention. Public schools are not all evil, and homeschooling doesn't work best for every child.

Edited August 19, 2010 by Dobela
grammar