How do those of you with 4 of more children do it?

[4babybirds]

I used to post over here for a couple of years, but have not been around for at least a year or more. For those who might remember me, I was formerly Lil3. I had a 4th child in 11/06 and now am expecting #5 in 8/08. This year has been very rough and when I found out I was expecting again, I knew my children had to go to school in the fall. So...we are enrolling them. But, I still need to finish out the rest of the year, so I'd like your input. Taking care of a toddler leaves little time to do school with my olders (K, 2nd, 4th) and feel organized and keep the house clean. My kids bickering, fooling around, etc. drives me crazy all day. I never feel like we have a good day lately. I find myself wishing for the peaceful days that will come when they are in school. I work with my Kindergartener, but really just grade my other 2 children's work and answer any questions when they have them, but I don't feel like they are getting my best. I feel exhausted and worn out and long for the days a few years ago when we'd read stories on my bed and things would get done! I guess I am kind of rambling, so any advice would be appreciated. How do you feel good about your day and make sure what needs to get done, gets done?

 

Thanks for listening.

[Punkinelly]

We are all about 1st-time obedience training and it worked a miracle at our house. Also the older kids learn to me motherly and fatherly to the youngers, and the youngers learn to respect the olders and do what they tell them to. Some will say it cannot be done, but come and see my family. There is little arguing and lots of laughing.

 

The kids are not perfect, but the Bible is for them, too, so they need to obey their parents and are obeying the Lord by doing so.

 

Self control is stressed at our house, too.

 

HTH,

 

Mary

[Emmy]

The first thing that popped into my head when I read your questions was....I don't, I fail someone or something *every* day. :(

 

Ok maybe it's not that bad, but it's hard. I will say though - I thought it was harder when I had my 2 oldest going to school. We are too close for bus service and too far for them to walk alone so I was constantly running back and forth to the school, always getting letters about the school needing help or volunteers, helping with parties or field trips, helping with homework (and my kids were in K and 2nd!), etc. In many ways I think my life is easier now.

 

I will say - it is *much* harder to keep my house picked up and clean though.

 

Right now my thing is to assign each kid a room that they need to keep picked up. So at the end of the day I tell them - go police your room and I've got one kid in the family room, one in the living room and one in the hallway picking up all the littered toys and socks that are everywhere. They also pick up their own bedrooms. I guess I am just trying to include them in the maintenance and chores more because I can't do it all.

 

I'm sure you'll get far more impressive answers from other moms of 4 or more!

[4babybirds]

Thanks for your reply Mary. We have worked on first time obedience...and in all honesty, my children are good about that. They really are respectful children, but they still are children. So, there is sibling bickering and such. My older ones do help a lot with the toddler. I was on bedrest for a couple of days early in this pregnancy and my oldest (9 1/2 at the time), really helped.

 

I think I need some better consequences for things like not doing what's on their list. They've had a school list since the fall and yet sometimes they still will forget to do something on the list. They also have lists to help them remember what to do in their rooms, bathroom, and classroom every day, but yet don't always looks at the list. And this leads me to get frustrated, etc.

 

Keep the thoughts coming!

[4babybirds]

Thanks too Emmy! I must have been posting when you were posting.

 

Thankfully, my children will be bused when they go to school. I considered a private school at my church, but their is no bussing, so I knew there was no way I could be back and forth twice a day with a newborn and toddler who will need naps!

 

I do like the idea of assigning each of them a room. Maybe that will solve some of the bickering that comes when they are working together in a room. I'll give that a try next week and see what happens. I really do work best if my house is neat and picked up. When it's not I am definitely more stressed, so I know I need to "let go" of that expectation a little.

 

Thanks again.

[Punkinelly]

There does need to be a consequence that will deter the offense. :o)

If they have lists to follow, well, there is not much excuse for "forgetting." I'd add more work or do what is appropriate for that child--without getting angry. That child chose the consequence by choosing to be careless.

 

As for bickering, my kids get a speech about loving one another. We teach them the proper way to work out a disagreement and help them do it. Punishment is dealt out to those who are snotty or just are not trying. We really have a peaceful home because of that. They need the tools to use. Look at Matthew 18 for how we should deal with one another when we disagree--if you are a Christian, anyway.

 

When older dd is snarky with younger dd, I talk to her about being a bully and about how she needs to be motherly to younger dd. She must apologize.

 

I hope this helps. It sounds like you are doing a lot of good things--just get some consequences lined up and let the kids know what they are in a matter-of-fact tone. Then they are choosing what happens. You are not the bad guy and don't need to get upset.

 

You are the mom and you get to decide what your kids do and don't do.

 

Mary

[fishnoises]

I know how you feel! It is very difficult to do our lessons with the 3 yo dd distracting us/or making unbelievable messes somewhere else in the house. The house is definitely not looking the way I want it too! But I'd rather have a less than perfect house than a quiet one. I think I would even be more crazy if I had to have the kids going in different directions and having to keep up with the homework, teacher notes and bus schedules. I like having my family "contained" and being in charge of what our day is like. The kids fight enough as it is, and the older ones want to see their friends every chance the get. But they are very close and intimate. I hope that the relationship that they will have when they are adults will be a very strong one. It is worth the madness that I have to endure most days!!

[4babybirds]

Yes...we are a Christian family. So we do go over what it says in the Bible about treating one another. Our consequence for not doing what's on their list is basically they don't get their allowance for that day. We have decided that they earn allowance by taking care of their room and school room. But, it still hasn't been enough to motivate them. I know they try and I know some of it is childishness.

 

My children definitely are close with one another. But, I don't think that will change when they are in school. This coming year they will all be in one school and riding one bus, so I know for us, it's the perfect year they give school a try. I really think the madness has affected my relationship with each of them and it saddens me, so I know it needs to change. I do like having them all "contained," but I think a year break will help my relationship with them...and give me some time to adjust to having 2 little ones again. I'm not sure what the following year will bring. It's one year at a time here. :)

 

Thanks again for all the input. Keep it coming ladies!

[4babybirds]

baby gates, slings, chocolate. Assigning older child to a younger child.

 

(I only have 3 but this is what it was like when I was taking care of my friend's 2 little ones and baby dd was really a baby.)

 

Aah...chocolate! You mean for me, right? ;)

 

I definitely use the baby gate. A sling is hard right now with my protruding belly! :lol:

 

And I do give each of them a time to watch the 16 month old. I just recently have been revamping our schedule, since we did get offtrack and I knew that needed to be dealt with. It's just that this little one keeps changing nap schedules and messing me up!

[abreakfromlife]

I have 4 littles and one due in May, too.....this has been an interesting school year, that's for sure. We're going through the summer to make up for toddler distractions and mommy's learning curve :tongue_smilie: I liked the idea of giving them each a room to keep clean - I think that will work wonderfully over here. I just wanted to mention a couple of really great parenting books - Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry, Respectful Kids, and The Parent Survival Guide - all by dr. Todd Cartmell. He's a christian child psychologist, but he is really good and very practical. He has a lot of step by step methods for training kids to be obedient and loving and respectful, lots of family time discussion ideas and verses and activities to get the point across to the kids.....

 

But the big thing is just practice practice practice. Kids don't learn positive communication skills on their own, and it won't ever come naturally without lots of training and practice. We've just started implementing some of his ideas and it has really started to change the 2 older ones. Even just teaching them a couple of sentences to use when they are mad at each other or fighting, so I can say 'how are you supposed to talk?' and they will remember to talk appropriately to each other. Yesterday we did a lesson on a lemon and a strawberry - they are both fruits, but they're different, and you treat them different - you need more sugar to go with lemons than you do strawberries.....just like fruit are different, people are different and so mom and dad are going to treat each kid like the unique special person they are.

 

Now if I could only get my 1 and 2 yo trained to obey :tongue_smilie::tongue_smilie:

[4babybirds]

Thanks for the book recommendations. I'm going to check them out.

 

You are so right about practice and positive communication skills. I think that is something I need to practice more lately!:tongue_smilie: We do stress that they need to honor each other and need to treat each other like they want to be treated, but then mommy yells at them about something and doesnt' honor them. I know I need to be careful about that. It's something I am always working on!

 

Overall, they are very good children, with just these few issues that keep popping up. My oldest is very smart, but highly distractable, so it is frustrating when she could be done with school by lunch, but still has half of her stuff to do. And of course, a lot of it is me just being overwhelmed. It's a hard job being a mom, especially when you try to be teacher on top of that!

[mrshannigan]

we're in the contained craziness club, too.

 

Each kid (even the 2 yr old) has a specific clean-up job that must be done in order to EAT. It might sound harsh, but it works, everyone must eat- our house must be clean.

 

I try to live as if company could stop by at any moment.

 

As far as the kids fighting goes, they either take it to their room, solve it with words (written or spoken respectfully, or they lose their extra-curricular activities (dance, scouts, sleepovers, 4H, drama, sports...)

 

I have 6 girls age 14, 11, 7, 5, 2.5 and 4mos.

 

This is our 8th yr with TWTM

[Marie in Oh]

You are right to be exhuasted. Parenting a posse of littles is hard work and you will be tired. Down right, stinking tired. There is no way, no how you won't be. As you can see by my signature line I have 6-- my oldest is 10 and in 4th grade, my youngest is 16 months. I am also 12 weeks pregnant, so I understand tired.

 

I would like to encourage you to make your home a place where grace abounds. Grace for yourself as you will fail, and for your children, because as you say, they are still children and they are still learning. When I have an expectation of one of my children, but I haven't trained him/her to do a job, grace needs to be my response. For instance, my oldest daughter is my champion helper. She comes into the kitchen and she just does. She's a learner and she is an observer. There is much she can do that I have not trained her spacifically to do.

 

My oldest son is also a wonderful child-- obedient, sensitive, plays with the littles-- but he is not as proficient in some things. Today at lunch I found myself frustrated with him because he was helping with lunch and I asked him to butter the bagels. The butter was in the fridge and was hard and it wouldn;t spread,. Dd would have known to put it in the microwave for a few seconds. Ds did not, and was asking for help. I relaized that I had not trained him for the job and that my response should have been grace instead of "you aren't helping me when I have to do half of your job."

 

I also encourage you to give the job to the smallest one capable of the job. Don't have your oldest folding towels and matching socks when yor 4 yo can do it. Does that make sense? It will free the olders up to do other things.

 

Hang in there my dear. It is a high calling, and it isn't for the faint of heart. Homeschooling or not, you have alot on your plate so give yourself a break-- and definitely eat some chocolate. :grouphug:

[Mallory]

I find that once I hit about 3 kids, and for sure now that #5 is on the way, I have to make a schedule that works for me. Which means getting most of the school and chores done by about noon or 1, and not worring too much in the late after noon /evening. That will be taken care of in the morning. But then I am not an evening or night person, after about 7:00 my paitence starts to go down hill.

 

We do two big pickups and hopefull another in the evening, but often I don't have the patience for it. We clean after meals. I also have found it works best if we are all working at the same time, and we can keep the house relatively clean in about 15-20 min/2 or 3 times a day. In the morning we do the common areas- half of us do the kitchen and downstairs bathroom and the other half do living room, school area, and up stairs bathroom (including getting laundry washed or dried). Then after lunch everyone does thier rooms and folds and puts away thier laundry. We may make another pass usually before dinner, but not always, like I said by that time of day I am worn out.

 

One of the boys is usually responsible for the toddler while I am doing school with the other 2, then they switch.

 

I try to look at the bickering as steps on a long path. My goal is to have men that can deal with thier feelings in ways that don't hurt others, while still being able to express how they are feeling. And (at least in my head) I try to give them credit for the steps they are making. So when the 2yo screams or knocks something off the table instead of hitting, I recognize that is better then a hit, while at the same time reminding him to speak in a nice voice and pick that up. Or when the 6 and 8 yos, come to tattle about what their brother did, I realize this is better then yelling at their brother and we talk about some things they could do to get along.

 

I guess to make it short is if I see that they are growing, instead of just wanting them to get along, then it is easier for me to keep my paitence.