What to do with The Good Child?

[PollyOR]

My 14yo dd has learned that if she is quiet and doesn't cause any waves that she won't be asked to do anything. We as her parents have been so happy that she doesn't cause problems that she has slipped under the radar. Is there a label for this type of behavior? And what might be done about it?

 

This is a good child. If she EVER does anything loud, aggressive or disobedient everyone around her is shocked. Unfortunately this "I'll be good so you won't notice me and require anything of me" behavior is coming back to bite me as a homeschool parent.

 

Example: She was introduced to an online game (RuneScape) recently and is spending hours on the computer. I know, I'm the parent so I'm allowing this, right? It's a dilemma because a year ago we would have done anything to get her out of her bedroom (depression). I'm happy that she is out in the family's living space with us. What to do?

 

I tried a compromise. I gave her a list of assignments and she was not getting them all done (very, very minimal school work). After a couple of days of quietly putting me off, I told her today that she could play an hour of Runescape and then she had to do all of her school work and clean the toilet (supposed to be cleaned Monday) before she could play again. At 10pm the list wasn't finished, the toilet definitely wasn't clean, and she was playing Runescape. I lost my cool and chastised her in front of the family. She looked like she might cry. She quietly turned off the computer and went to her room.

 

Arg!

 

She is capable of doing so much more academically, but she is working at a minimal level. I mean minimal.

 

I feel like this is her way of controlling her life without confrontation. And, I've let this happen. I'm letting her manipulate me, because she knows I don't want to push her too hard. Just so you know, she isn't malicious.

 

If you've read this far, thank you. I needed to get this off my chest.

 

Who would have ever thought that The Good Child would be so hard to parent?

[Chris in VA]

We all choose our ways to cope with family drama. IDK what your other kids have done that makes you label her "Good," but it sounds like she's learned to react to stress this way.

 

It also sounds like she may be too involved in Runescape. Perhaps it's time to extract her from that.

 

But be prepared. She may have been stuffing all her feelings for a long time, and they don't go away. They just hang around inside, festering. She may need permission to explode, cry, yell, etc in order to clean out the wound, so to speak. Your "good child" may need to learn how to express her feelings and deal with the world instead of running away from it--giving her the tools to deal with strong and perhaps negative feelings and deal with confrontation in a mature way will be a lifetime (and necessary) gift.

 

:grouphug: I'd consider getting some help during her transition from "good child" to "healthy child."

 

Sorry it's so hard.

Been there, honey.

[Nan in Mass]

I was a good child, but I had an irresistable temptation - reading for escape. I put off or skipped no end of things in order to read, and I cried if anyone looked like they were the least bit unhappy with me. It was very uncomfortable for me. Perhaps it would be helpful to sit down with her and sympathetically explain that we all meet irresistable temptations in our lives, things that let us escape from our problems and so make it easy to ignore our duties, and that as adults, we have to learn to figure out how to outwit ourselves. Then you can work on strategies to help bolster her self-discipline. I know a college student who gives his mouse to his roommate until he is done with his schoolwork to keep himself from playing games. As a parent, you can treat this problem sympathetically by labeling it an irresistable temptation rather than disobedience. I think the quiet, good children often have something like this that they fight. Think of all the bookworms who never meant any harm but neglected or ignored things. Fortunately, in my case, my mother had done the same thing and was sympathetic. She told me stories of when she was little and was willing both to overlook lots of escaping and to help me make myself do the things I really had to do. If I had been given a long list of things to do and been left to do them on my own, I coudn't have managed. Mostly, my mother just managed the problem while she waited for me to get older and develop that self-discipline (I did in the end - more or less GRIN). She didn't "fix" me. She managed the problem by helping me to be aware of it, giving me coping strategies (like the mouse), and emphasizing that self-discipline was the key. I tried hard because I loved her so much that I didn't want to disappoint her or have her unhappy with me.

 

Be gentle with your daughter. Sometimes those good ones are the ones you are closest with as adults because they continue to want your love and support and understand how to live close to you without impinging on you.

 

-Nan

[lllll]

Or they can turn really bad. I had a mother mostly opposite of Nan's; and I was the 'good' child. At 17yo, I eloped with a guy 4 years older than I was to get away from this mother. I remember at one point (about 15 - 16yo??) just thinking to myself 'I'm TIRED of being nice', while my brothers are getting off scot-free being BAD. (One into drugs and other into variety of things not good.) So I found myself some 'bad company' and commenced on my 'not nice' portion of my life. :ack2:

 

It's easy to ignore these kids. They dutifully fulfill what's required of them and stay out of the way. The parents think they're doing fine because they aren't causing any trouble with teachers, neighbors, the law ... . But what they often want is MORE parent involvement - not lists of ways they can spend MORE time - alone. If she were mine, I'd find ways to spend more time with her, trying to draw her out more. There are probably many people here who can help you with that. I suspect many of us on this board were 'good' children. ;)

[Nan in Mass]

Yup. My mother gave me more support than my less quiet siblings because she felt that I needed it. (She was right.) I'm not sure I took more time, but I took more care. Now, we are beginning to reverse things and I am beginning to offer her support.

[PollyOR]

Thank you! Thank you so much. I need to hear your advice, wisdom, stories. It helps me to see things from a different angle. It opens my mind to different possibilities.

 

I was very much like my daughter as a teen. My parents who had been very social high school athletes didn't quite know what to do with me. My mom pushed me out of my room and into social situations. :blink:I hated it. I don't want to do that to my dd, but it also bothers me to see her being stagnant...especially with school.

[Mrs Mungo]

Thank you! Thank you so much. I need to hear your advice, wisdom, stories. It helps me to see things from a different angle. It opens my mind to different possibilities.

 

I was very much like my daughter as a teen. My parents who had been very social high school athletes didn't quite know what to do with me. My mom pushed me out of my room and into social situations. :blink:I hated it. I don't want to do that to my dd, but it also bothers me to see her being stagnant...especially with school.

 

Specifically about Runescape-my kids and I play. There is an "explorers log" on each account. One of the things the log shows? How much time spent playing the game. This is an easy way to track their game time.

 

That said, my eldest is very much like this (and so was I). I know she'll eventually gain self-discipline but in the meantime, some amount of discipline has to be imposed. Let her know what is expected of her each day (chore-wise, school-wise). Are you involved in any kind of teen group? Our homeschool group has a teen sub-group that does a lot of activities. She can choose to participate in the activities she wishes. How about starting a teen bookclub or some other club that would be of high interest to your dd? How about seeing if your local community college or even community center has computing classes, if she is interested in gaming?