Don't know what to do- ds acting out in school

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I've already explained in a couple of very long posts that dh and I are in disagreement about homeschooling, so dh insists that our kids attend the local public school. Ds1 is in first grade this year, and it has not been going well. His teacher is constantly calling, emailing and sending notes home about ds's behavior. I've talked to the Guidance Counselor (don't ask me why K-2 graders need a guidance counselor, but whatever!) twice this week. Ds crumples up papers, has spelled out inappropriate words on the board, and bit another student. Today, he came home with a project on animals that he was supposed to work on during reading group. He was supposed to "research" in a book and write 5 facts about an animal. He was fooling around and writing jokes and inappropriate "facts" on his paper. The teacher made him erase what he had written, and they worked on a fact together. When she came back to check on him later, he had erased the fact they had written together and hadn't done anything else. He is repeatedly doing things like this. We have pretty much taken away all his privileges. No TV, no computer, no candy, no chocolate milk, etc. I really don't know what else to do. Any ideas?

 

D(?)h's idea is to take him to a child psychiatrist and put him on medications. I can't agree with that. Any other ideas?

[LibrarianMom]

I agree with Cadam that his behavior is a symptom of the problem. Do whatever it takes to figure out what the issues are. It might not hurt to have a psychiatric evaluation. But an evaluation does not mean medication is the answer. Maybe the upcoming school break will give everyone a chance to sit back, relax, and come at things fresh in January.

[SonshineLearner]

If you don't have extra little ones... I'd suggest doing half days with him(and working up to whole days, later??... and actually going to school with him. Kinda like at our CC class. Anytime you see him not acting, you just put your hand on his shoulder... I get my daughter and son McD's. He only gets the toy if he's good at CC (co-op) and if not... it goes in the car pocket till the next week. So.... incentives.... after this Christmas Break... perhaps you can give him a fresh start. Does he like his teacher? Can she give him a fresh start?

I would also tell my husband that I will agree to his ps thing... (maybe I would) but I would INSIST that he go and spend one or two days... the whole dang day... watching at school...

I did this with my husband about something that we disagreed about... I told him... "ok... I'll think about doing that with/to him... if you watch how it happens, first." Funny thing, he said... "No... it's ok... we can go with what you've studied is best...."

:-)

Carrie

[MBM]

Good advice already but a few more thoughts...

 

Have you asked him why he's doing these things? He might have trouble expressing his thoughts, so be patient while he explains. My youngest acted out during a summer camp and second grade. It turned out the camp counselor, a high schooler, was mean to the kids after the parents left. (I hid behind a bush and observed what happened. LOL!) As for second grade, the teacher was, to put it nicely, someone who should not work with children and even she admitted it. What a wild, anxiety-filled year that was.

 

Is it possible for you to volunteer in the classroom even just a day or two to see firsthand how your son interacts with the teacher and other classmates?

 

Also, would you prefer to homeschool him, and if so, might your son be picking up on that and thus acting out? Would he prefer to be home with you?

 

As for changing the behavior, I used to print out what specific behavior I wanted to change (keeping it as short as possible) and then told my son what would happen if he misbehaved. I then taped it to the front door, and we would review it before camp/school. However, I also told him that if he was having a problem with the counselor/teacher, he needed to let me know, so I could help him handle it. Most teachers are wonderful, but we've encountered a few stinkers.

 

These are all just things I'm trying to come up with to help you ponder the situation. Don't feel compelled to answer them here if you don't want to. I can remember clearly how incredibly stressful it was when my son was in the same boat. I hope you'll find a good solution soon. Good luck.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Thanks for everyone's replies. I'm just at my wit's end, and it helps to get it all out. I ask him why he does these things, but he just says he doesn't know. He is very high strung, always has been. I had him evaluated for Asperger's when he was 4 due to extreme phobias, repetitive behaviors, etc. The neurologist said it wasn't Asperger's, but an anxiety disorder. I've explained all this to the teacher and guidance counselor. He does say that he likes his teacher, but I don't think their personalities mesh too well. He loves doing work at home, and both of my kids ask to do "Mommy homework" all the time. He is a very bright kid, very verbal. He spoke in complete sentences with perfect diction since age 2. He reads chapter books, and is adding double digit numbers and carrying the tens column with me at home. His school work is not extremely challenging, but some things are on a decent level for him. He just doesn't want to do it when and how he is supposed to do it. He has never liked writing and they seem to do a lot of writing projects. This is where he seems to have the most behavior issues. Anyway, I think I will have him evaluated by a pshychiatrist, but there is no way I'm putting him on meds. He does have some behavior problems at home, but none that are unmanageable, and none that are more extreme than my younger son's. Thanks again for listening.

[lgm]

Is 'guidance counselor' code for 'school pyschologist'?

 

Turn it back over to the school...it's their job to manage the classroom in such a way that the children want to do their work. These are all aggressive attention getting behaviors and the cause needs to be uncovered. Bring in the school pyschologist to observe, and then you and the classroom teacher work with the suggestions the pysch. gives. Also see if the psych will do a comprehensive evaluation - IQ results can open doors for you.

 

In the meantime, the teacher can send incomplete classwork home. He needs to do it first, before playtime, w/o an attention giving adult by his side...so snack/toilet & off to his homework spot where he can do it post-haste. If there is something he doesn't know how to do, he needs to tell you in the first five minutes (give him a timer). Otherwise no attention as you don't want to encourage the habit of fooling around on school time. His feelings do count, and he can express them when he's done, over a cup of choc. milk or whatever you decide.

 

One of the troubles you may have when you talk to the principal is the pre-teaching at home. If they decide the child is bored and acting out because mom already taught him the work, they won't be pleased unless they are in a position to offer him advanced work or enrichment. The only people in my small world that I've seen win on this issue are the ones whose child turned up highly or profoundly gifted per the school pysch's IQ testing and were actively challenging themselves in the classroom. In those cases, a grade skip was offered when the enrichment wasn't enough, which of course didn't solve their problems with the rate and depth of material in the classroom.

[brightside]

:grouphug: It is a very tough situation for all. You mentioned your son was very verbal, early speaker and reader and doing double digit arithmetic. It sounds like you have a very frustrated and bored young man on your hands. At his age, he can not properly express his anger at the situation and he is powerless to control it. We went through this with my son and I finally after many years convinced my dh to allow me to homeschool my little "evil genius". Please feel free to PM me and I would be glad to tell you in great detail our experiences and what helped and what didn't and what to be aware of.

 

He is a good boy with very big feelings. :grouphug:

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

My son was acting out a bit in school when he was there a couple of years ago. I asked the teacher to send me an unhappy face home for those specific behaviors so that I could take away privileges such as TV/computer games. I told my son what was expected in very clear terms and what the consequences would be. It did actually work. As to whether it would of worked for the long term I do not know since we are doing school at home now, but it may be worth a shot. I am sorry if I am the master of the obvious;) I also bought some videos on "School Days" by Model Me Kids. Currently, we are doing public school at home with a public cyber charter school and we are loving it. My son appears to be gifted and I feel I can meet his needs better at home combine with tons of activities:)

[Storm Bay]

Cadam is correct that the behaviour is a symptom of something being wrong. Behaviour modification may not fix the problem, and also it doesn't always work. Some kids are just challenging all the time (not that that's your case.)

 

My dh was strongly opposed to homeschooling. I did a lot of research before he agreed to try it out. In particular, I'd research what your ds is going through and see if there is good literature suggesting that homeschooling helps. This was the case with my dd. I haven't read your other long posts, since I don't usually go to the afterschooling forum. But I find that strong research helps immensely in bolstering my case.

 

I think the suggestion to have your dh go watch is excellent, but you know your dh best.

[lionfamily1999]

Ds started doing this once he became overwhelmingly bored in school, as well as finding that his teacher disliked his quickness.

 

At one point, my normally well-behaved son responded to the teacher's question, "aren't you going to do your journal work" with "no, it's stupid, I quit." :( In his, ds, mind he had been trying to tell the teacher he was bored, but all the teacher heard was ds "showing off."

 

I would check to see if your son isn't just bored to tears. I don't know about the new TWTM, but in the last version, Jessie Wise wrote about her son becoming a non-learner. If you haven't read it, you and your dh might take a look. If that is your ds she's describing, your dh may come over to your way of thinking.