Give advice on 18 1/2 yr old please.

[wagnfun]

Is it common for a once easy going happy 16 yr old to become a spoiled bratty 18 1/2 yr old? It seems like once my oldest became 17 (senior in high) she has changed dramatically. She just completed her first year at communtiy college. She is required to do dishes twice a week & keep her room & bathroom clean & her old beat up truck- given to her by dad, clean. She isn't really keeping up on these chores. She is lazy & rude. She is spoiled, snappy and impatient to our entire household. When I give her the grow up and get it together with her tone, language & responsibility speech, she clams up with obvious contempt and says "ok mom".

 

Her father has signed our family up for some Christian service projects, 3 times in 6 months. They are not big things, usually only lasting a few hrs. For the first 2, she knew about them a few weeks ahead of time & for this third thing, it was during church hours & our church was in a bind so he signed her up. She is having a huge issue w/ how he "assumes" she doesn't have plans and asked me to speak w/ him. I shot her down immediately & told her it was b/t her & her dad. I have spoken to her dad a few times about her attitude lately but until now, she has never given it to him so he kind of blew it off chalking it up to mother /daughters around each other to much.

 

She was in school full time, working 2 jobs, doesn't pay rent but pays $50 a month for car insurance and pays her own gas. She has a laptop (internet) & cell paid for by dad.

School is over, job 1 is no longer and job 2 is about 15 hrs a week at most. That is her summer life right now.

 

When I look at this situation I see the future-- a 24 yr old still living at home not motivated brat. and I am NOT ok with that.

 

Is this a normal 18 yr old I think the world owes me feelings that is just showing her immaturity or ....?

 

Advice please, we have 3 younger that are watching how we deal with this... :confused:

 

Thanks!

[Karen in CO]

I think there is a reason kids are like that at that age - its to make it easier for them to leave. ;)

 

Really. My ds and I had a terrible time before he left for college. We had lots of sit down talks about expectations, responsibilities, plans for the future. For a while it felt like I was breaking up with a boyfriend instead of easing my ds out the door. It was a roller coaster, and I ended in tears more than once.

 

All that being said. It doesn't sound like there is a clear move toward independence and adulthood going on. You two need to have a non-threatening chat over coffee at a neutral location. (it makes them feel less like you are scolding them like you would a child). Ask questions and listen to the answers. What is her vision for the future and how does she plan to get there? What are your expectations of an adult living in your house?

 

Remember that this almost 18 yo is a near adult with little experience in the adult world not the overgrown child that she seems.

[Guest Katia]

Well.....I have a 20yo dd sitting at home between college semesters doing nothing. Pretty much nothing. She makes her own bed and cleans out the litter boxes each day, and is supposed to practice her instrument daily, but that only happens when she gets around to it; is in the mood; or some such thing.

 

I am not stressing at all. She just completed her first year of college at an academically challenging school and was totally and completely wiped out. She spent the first two weeks just sleeping almost non-stop.

 

The first thing she asked is if she should try and get a summer job and I told her that this will be the only time in her life that she will be able to just read and relax during the summer (as I know the next three summers she will be doing internships and/or study-abroad) so she should take advantage of that.

 

She has had several people and groups ask her to play her instrument at events because while she was in high school she did that sort of thing, but she has turned them all down this summer because she is just working on technique not practicing songs to perform. It's hard for people to understand; they think when someone plays something that they just pick it up and play it I guess. Even her father has a hard time with her turning things down, but he always asks her first. If he just signed her up for something without asking her first......wow. That is just so rude. I can understand your dd's viewpoint completely. I know my dd and she just simply would not do it; ministry or not.

 

And try not to project into the future with such a grim view. My dh was sure my ds would be sitting around the house living off of us because he played around on summers between semesters...but he is now working a great job with better benefits than dh and making more than dh after all these years! They grow up and take responsibility. Really.

 

Let her learn to be an adult and support her while she's doing it. That's my motto. It's worked for us so far.

[nmoira]

I don't have any that old, but I do remember being that age.

 

She's in an uncomfortable position: she's not a child but she feels she's being treated like one. OTOH, she's not yet responsible for meeting all her own needs. Maybe you could make an appointment to have a talk with her about her expectations and concerns with respect to family. You need to come to the table with your concerns and expectations for this adult child in your home. At 18, she's too old for speeches, but may have to make some difficult choices.

 

FWIW, I wouldn't schedule her time for outside activities without consulting her first. It's the same basic courtesy I'd extend to any other adult (and very often teen) in my home.

 

She was in school full time, working 2 jobs, doesn't pay rent but pays $50 a month for car insurance and pays her own gas.

I'm not sure I'd call someone in this situation unmotivated. How much is she contributing towards her own education? Is she working hard at school? At her jobs?

[wagnfun]

Even her father has a hard time with her turning things down, but he always asks her first. If he just signed her up for something without asking her first......wow. That is just so rude. I can understand your dd's viewpoint completely. I know my dd and she just simply would not do it; ministry or not.

 

 

Let her learn to be an adult and support her while she's doing it. That's my motto. It's worked for us so far.

 

Karen from CO: Ask questions and listen to the answers. What is her vision for the future and how does she plan to get there? What are your expectations of an adult living in your house?

 

She has decided on her major. It is photography. She doesn't know much more then that. We laid out for her when she graduated high school while she is in school full time, she can live her rent free and get a part time job for her spending money. When she graduates or quits to work full time, she can stay for 1 year paying rent.

 

katia: I think my dhs point is that she is doing NOTHING. Well, going to country dance clubs, Disneyland w/ friends & all day rock concerts while working 2 shifts at work a week but nothing else. Not her chores, no longer attending church b/c shes "tired", NOTHING. He never asks much of his kids so when he does, he expects them to step up w/o gruff. Two of the service projects weren't just him signing HER up but him signing our entire family of six up. The third thing was 2 of our 6 family members are helping out a situation in a bind, the rest of us could not b/c he is already involved in something at that time. When he has asked her if she could "help" she ALWAYS has an excuse. Does any of that matter or do you see it as him still being rude? I am not being snarky, I am honestly asking.

 

*Let her learn to be an adult and support her while she's doing it. That's my motto. It's worked for us so far. **

 

This is what we are trying to do. Dh comes from the stand of "if someone needs help and asks, and you're only reason for not helping is b/c you're being lazy- then you obviously have to do the right thing". Again, he rarely asks the kids to step up, so when he does he expects them to.

 

ug. and I thought twos were hard! Thanks for all input!

[wagnfun]

I don't have any that old, but I do remember being that age.

 

She's in an uncomfortable position: she's not a child but she feels she's being treated like one. OTOH, she's not yet responsible for meeting all her own needs. Maybe you could make an appointment to have a talk with her about her expectations and concerns with respect to family. You need to come to the table with your concerns and expectations for this adult child in your home. At 18, she's too old for speeches, but may have to make some difficult choices.

 

FWIW, I wouldn't schedule her time for outside activities without consulting her first. It's the same basic courtesy I'd extend to any other adult (and very often teen) in my home.

 

I'm not sure I'd call someone in this situation unmotivated. How much is she contributing towards her own education? Is she working hard at school? At her jobs?

 

Thank you for your reply!! I mentioned what she was like a few months back, (full time college, two jobs) now school is out, job #1 is maybe 2 shifts a month & job #2 is 2 shifts a week.

I have had numerous "talks" with her. Those admittedly have been good talks, speeches, yelling matches & note of encouragement & things I need to get across that I knew would end badly if done in person. She isn't changing her attitude. It isn't all the time, but a large portion of the time. (short tempered & rude) but realllllyyyy.... doesn't care. Now what? ....

[5KidzRUs]

This reminds me a bit of my 18 year old dear daughter. Yesterday I asked her to clean the floor around the door jams. When I came into the room she was eating a bowl of frozen yogart and swishing a rag around the door jam base with her FOOT.

She is a child living under your roof and being mostly supported by you ... however, think of it from her point of view. She is an "adult" (this BTW is a word my daughter treasures; A-dult) and she is still being treated like a child.

It doesn't matter to her 'WHY'.

Try talking to her and treating her as you would another adult that you respect. Maybe even have a regular ladies dinner night - just you and her. I think signing her up for stuff without her consent is a powder keg. After all, she is an a-dult.

I think the attitude stuff is them testing their wings ... Also, girls *ARE* different than boys!! Girls are our mama's revenge :lol:

[Nestof3]

Honestly, if she has time and money to do the fun things this summer, she is indeed being selfish if she is not pulling her share at home.

 

If she were thankful for the fact that she still has a home rent-free, and if she cared to honor you and your husband, she would contribute to the household.

 

I'm afraid I would have to give the "contribute to the family or else you no longer reap the benefits of the family" talk. And stick with it. That means in the most drastic sense -- move out. If you'd feel more comfortable staying a little less drastic (and I would personally go here first) it would mean no one cleans her room or clothes, and she may not have access to family food.

 

It does sound like she is quite busy during the school year, and though I think it's great to have a break, ignoring basic responsibilities for that amount of time is not right.

[Guest Katia]

katia: I think my dhs point is that she is doing NOTHING. Well, going to country dance clubs, Disneyland w/ friends & all day rock concerts while working 2 shifts at work a week but nothing else. Not her chores, no longer attending church b/c shes "tired", NOTHING. He never asks much of his kids so when he does, he expects them to step up w/o gruff. Two of the service projects weren't just him signing HER up but him signing our entire family of six up. The third thing was 2 of our 6 family members are helping out a situation in a bind, the rest of us could not b/c he is already involved in something at that time. When he has asked her if she could "help" she ALWAYS has an excuse. Does any of that matter or do you see it as him still being rude? I am not being snarky, I am honestly asking.

 

*Let her learn to be an adult and support her while she's doing it. That's my motto. It's worked for us so far. **

 

This is what we are trying to do. Dh comes from the stand of "if someone needs help and asks, and you're only reason for not helping is b/c you're being lazy- then you obviously have to do the right thing". Again, he rarely asks the kids to step up, so when he does he expects them to.

 

ug. and I thought twos were hard! Thanks for all input!

 

Honestly, without being snarky, my answer is "yes, it's rude". I can understand that he is signing up your 'family', and she is part of your family, but without consulting her first....it's just rude.

 

My dh is a pastor and our family has the opportunity to do service projects a lot as well. However, he never, ever just signs us up and expects us to go with it. Ever. He checks with all of us to make sure it will work first, because that is (not being snarky, honestly) the right thing to do.

 

I also understand that it seems you you and dh that she should be able, ready and happy to do whatever you ask because of all you have done and are doing for her; but she just doesn't have the maturity to see that. Yet. It will come.

 

My 20yo dd has attitude problems as well, but I try very hard to treat her as an adult and let her make her own decisions. She is the one that has to live with them, kwim? I don't require any of my dc to attend church after they are 18yo. By then, I have taught them all I can and it's up to them. While at college dd has been very faithful to attend (I was very surprised as I thought she would see this as a 'break' time from church), and this summer sometimes she shows up at church and sometimes she doesn't. I don't wake her up and tell her it's time for church; I let her do that herself.

 

And, it is hard not to show the frustration that I sometimes feel, but I just accept her for who and what she is right now and I keep loving her. And I let her know I trust her and love her. I want to keep these lines of communication open so she knows we are here for her.

 

Now, she doesn't just have full run of things around here. We do have family/house rules that she is expected to follow, but they are the same as they've always been so she is accustomed to them. And yes, I will sometimes call her on the attitude, but it bothers me more than it does her.

 

Maybe I'm doing it wrong, but I watched my dh rag on my ds during this same point in his life for the same issues and frankly, I just don't think it's worth it.

[KingM]

She just completed her first year at communtiy college. She is required to do dishes twice a week & keep her room & bathroom clean & her old beat up truck- given to her by dad, clean. She isn't really keeping up on these chores. She is lazy & rude.

 

When I look at this situation I see the future-- a 24 yr old still living at home not motivated brat. and I am NOT ok with that.

 

 

Time to help her find an apartment. A few months paying her own bills will cure this attitude.

[Haiku]

She was in school full time, working 2 jobs, doesn't pay rent but pays $50 a month for car insurance and pays her own gas. She has a laptop (internet) & cell paid for by dad.

 

School is over, job 1 is no longer and job 2 is about 15 hrs a week at most. That is her summer life right now.

 

 

I am watching this thread with interest because I have a 15 year old who is also very lazy and has a very entitled attitude, regardless of the fact that we have never given her reason to believe that she is entitled.

 

My personal opinion is that you and your dh should sit down with your dd and tell her that living the good life at home is a privilege. Assign her far more chores around the house so she can carry her weight. Don't let her get a free ride. Let her know that since it is summer, she can either earn her keep by significantly lightening your load around the house or by working more so she can pay rent. Make it her responsibility to pay for her own internet and cell phone. She is not a child and, apparently, giving her these privileges is making her think you owe her something, not the other way around.

 

Kindly inform her that if she doesn't feel these parameters are fair, you will drive the moving truck when she finds her own place. Let her know that a sour attitude is a breach of contract and counts just as much as refusing to do her chores. Give her two weeks to make her decision. She will not inform you verbally of her decision; her actions and attitude will let you know what she's chosen. Hand her the apartment guide to underscore your point.

 

My fifteen year old used to constantly remind me that she was moving out the day she turned 18. I reminded her that finishing her senior year of high school while working to pay rent would be difficult but that I was sure she would figure out a way to do it and suggested that she not let the door hit her on her proverbial hiney on the way out. She has not brought the subject up since.

 

Tara

[Nestof3]

I just wanted to say that I also think parents should not make appointments for their adult children without checking with them first.

 

I would require my 19 year old to help out around the house, but I would not require him to do service to others. Honestly, our relationship with Aaron is such that he would want to in order to please us, and he would also see the benefit of helping others, so I cannot imagine him saying "no."

 

But, I still think those courtesies should be given to adult children. I expect my husband to check with me rather than schedule me as well.

 

Honestly, without being snarky, my answer is "yes, it's rude". I can understand that he is signing up your 'family', and she is part of your family, but without consulting her first....it's just rude.

 

My dh is a pastor and our family has the opportunity to do service projects a lot as well. However, he never, ever just signs us up and expects us to go with it. Ever. He checks with all of us to make sure it will work first, because that is (not being snarky, honestly) the right thing to do.

 

I also understand that it seems you you and dh that she should be able, ready and happy to do whatever you ask because of all you have done and are doing for her; but she just doesn't have the maturity to see that. Yet. It will come.

 

My 20yo dd has attitude problems as well, but I try very hard to treat her as an adult and let her make her own decisions. She is the one that has to live with them, kwim? I don't require any of my dc to attend church after they are 18yo. By then, I have taught them all I can and it's up to them. While at college dd has been very faithful to attend (I was very surprised as I thought she would see this as a 'break' time from church), and this summer sometimes she shows up at church and sometimes she doesn't. I don't wake her up and tell her it's time for church; I let her do that herself.

 

And, it is hard not to show the frustration that I sometimes feel, but I just accept her for who and what she is right now and I keep loving her. And I let her know I trust her and love her. I want to keep these lines of communication open so she knows we are here for her.

 

Now, she doesn't just have full run of things around here. We do have family/house rules that she is expected to follow, but they are the same as they've always been so she is accustomed to them. And yes, I will sometimes call her on the attitude, but it bothers me more than it does her.

 

Maybe I'm doing it wrong, but I watched my dh rag on my ds during this same point in his life for the same issues and frankly, I just don't think it's worth it.

[9GreatKids]

Honestly, without being snarky, my answer is "yes, it's rude". I can understand that he is signing up your 'family', and she is part of your family, but without consulting her first....it's just rude.

 

My dh is a pastor and our family has the opportunity to do service projects a lot as well. However, he never, ever just signs us up and expects us to go with it. Ever. He checks with all of us to make sure it will work first, because that is (not being snarky, honestly) the right thing to do.

 

 

Very respectfully, I disagree.

 

The policy in our home is....you do not become an adult by turning 18. You become an adult when:

 

1- You are paying your own bills- education, lodging, transportation, entertainment, food, clothing...ALL of it! When you reach the point in life when you no longer depend upon your parents to pay your way...your an adult.

 

2- You have reached a level of maturity that dictates you take the initiative in lending a helping hand. Both at home and in service projects with which our family is involved.

 

3- The reprocutions for your decisions fall only upon your own shoulders. If your speeding tickets results in an increase in my auto insurance....you are not an adult.

 

Of course....our over 18 children have the option of stepping into adulthood at any moment of their own chosing without reaching these milestones, by declaring their adulthood through their own actions and words. At that moment child...it is my pleasure in introducing you to your new responsibilities. AKA Dad's wallet just snapped shut!

 

We have four older children ages 23, 21, 20, and 18. All of whom are in varying degrees both independent and dependent. We have expectations of their behavior and responsibilites that are not negotiable. We have been generous in our support of their education and internship Occassionally we have had small bumps...but, the kids know the house rules...and honestly they know the rules and have accepted the limits. We have discussed the rules since they were old enough to know the meaning of rules...it's just the way it is.

 

I just asked our 20 year old daughter if she felt it rude when we sign her up for projects...and I got a, "No, it's part of being a family." So...there you go.