Danestress Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 against allowing 11 - 12 year old boys to play in homes where no parent is present. I do leave my sons alone for short periods. I tell them they can't have friends over. I don't let them stay at their friends' homes if the parent is out. But why? They are, in a way, safer if there are more of them. I'm not really worried about break-ins or predators anyway. Why don't I want my kids to be with friends unsupervised? I mean, I know why. Because in a few years these very nice kids (and really, every one of them is very nice, funny, bright and polite) are going to be wanting to hook up with girls, smoke cigarettes, and look at porn on line, and they are going to seek the house with no parent home. right? Of course, my twins can do that when I am not home, so having another friend over doesn't really change that. I want to explain my rule to my kids and in a lesser way, to the other parents, without making it seem like I don't trust certain kids or I think that kids are always looking for trouble. Why, when they are at a home watching a movie and the mother wants to leave for half an hour to drop of the dry cleaning and return some movies, do I want my kids to just come home? This doesn't come up that often. My boys are really busy with sports. But I want to handle this right and in way that doesn't make them feel mistrusted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialmama Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 It's a liability issue. That simple. If something happens under your roof, fine. If something happens elsewhere: not fine. I'd leave it at that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunty Social Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 (edited) Because group dynamics are different than single person dynamics. What a person would normally never do alone, they may do if in a group. Think mob mentality, only with a pre-teen/teen slant. I had this conversation with my 14yo dd yesterday. She wanted to go to a friends house. Mom wasn't home. I told her no, even though another friend was able to go....and explained to her that even though we trust her, sometimes when she is with her friends they influence each other to do things that, while not terrible, start coming very close to the line of acceptable and moral behavior (sneaking to get their own way, doing first and asking permission later, etc). What is clear when you are alone becomes muddy when with a group. Edited June 16, 2009 by Aunty Social Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaLisa Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 I just tell my boys (10 and 12) that they know the house rules but 1) I don't want them responsible for enforcing them with friends with no parent around and 2) I can't be responsible for other kids when I'm not home. Period. Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pajama Mama Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 Well, you have no control over what goes on at someone else's house. Are they allowed unlimited internet access? Do they leave unlocked liquor in the house? Does someone own a gun that isn't properly locked away? You may have very responsible kids. But a friend who wants to show them their dad's gun for "just a minute" could kill them. This happened in our area not that long ago. I know the gun thing is very unlikely but kids get stupider(I know it's not a real word) when together. I used to ask ds12 and his friend when they were younger: "How does 10 + 10 = 5?" Two 10 yo boys put together act like 5 yr olds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mktkcb Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 First off, boys plus friends can think up things to do, and convince each other to actually do them, that boys alone would never imagine. Seems irrational, but it's true, I swear it. Second, It has nothing to do with how much you trust them. The absolutely the most mature 11-12 yos should not be with friends unsupervised for long periods. By virtue of age alone. period. Tell you boys that it is in no way personal, but you just don't do it. No matter what. Or with whom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SLH in ND Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Because group dynamics are different than single person dynamics. What a person would normally never do alone, they may do if in a group. Think mob mentality, only with a pre-teen/teen slant. I had this conversation with my 14yo dd yesterday. She wanted to go to a friends house. Mom wasn't home. I told her no, even though another friend was able to go....and explained to her that even though we trust her, sometimes when she is with her friends they influence each other to do things that, while not terrible, start coming very close to the line of acceptable and moral behavior (sneaking to get their own way, doing first and asking permission later, etc). What is clear when you are alone becomes muddy when with a group. :iagree: Exactly how I feel about it! Sheri :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 I just had this discussion with my 13 year old today. A friend's mother invited him to spend a few days with her 11 year old son while she is at work every day. I already told the mom no. I said, "I know the kind of trash that is on cable, and I don't want my child exposed to that." She insists that my son always says,'I need to go in the other room. "I'm not allowed to watch this." I don't see why he should be put in that situation. Of course, my son thinks I don't trust him. I ended up telling them both that I know eventually my son is going to have some bad experiences, but I don't want them to happen because I wasn't diligent enough. The boys are always welcome to play here where a parent is present, but the other mom really wants to give my son a little time away from me and his sisters. Well, too bad, so sad. He can have time away from us when a parent is home to supervise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 She wants to leave an 11 year old and a 13 year old ALL DAY??? Duh. Bad idea! My problem is with the, "John's Mom is only going to be gone half an hour, can we just keep watching this movie" thing. I hate to say they have to come home, but I also hate to open the door to kids being at their friends' homes without a parent. Long period of times are still a no brainer for me. It's when someone is running a half hour errand that I struggle with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Not just all day, but several days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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