Spin-off: 'forced' hugs and such

[Murphy101]

If you get out of something, or make yourself the center of attention by squealing and running off, they will be sure to repeat the technique.

 

But I am aware that the extremely old are frightening to a child, if they aren't around it regularly.

 

ARGH! I guess my kids and I are just really freaky folks (someone has to lead the freak parade song keeps running in my head.:lol:)

 

My children do not make themselves the center of attention, they do not go running or screaming. And if not pushed into physical contact, will usually warm up to the person just fine.

 

they are also not even remotely scared of old people (altho I propose they might be if all old folks felt the need to insist on physical displays of affection that don't really mean anything)

 

of course I encourage them to offer affection, but I wouldn't MAKE them do it. (grammy would love it if you gave her a hug! why don't you take this book to grammy to read to you?)

 

there's a LOT of presemptions here.

 

that for some reason a kid who doesn't want to hug/kiss a virtual stranger (family or otherwise) is a screaming, ill-mannered manipulator who has been made to fear the world and thus will develop crippling shyness (altho shyness is not the term for a person who's daily life is crippled by social anxiety)

 

Come now. Really I feel none of that applies to the majority of children I know and nothing the OP has suggested implies that it is the situation for her either.

 

If another parent is okay with pushing their kid to do such things, fine for them.

 

but I fail to see how it will develop any emotional attachment within the family, usually when faked affection is forced it tends to breed aversion and resentment more than anything. and I fail to see how it will make a child better mannered. by all means teach them to shake hands and speak politely and such. these things, these mannerisms, are not contrary to each other.:confused:

[MelanieM]

And potato chips taste better than carrots, and staying up all hours is more fun than going to bed.

 

Once again, working with an assumption that children are wild and unknowing unless some adult can save them from themselves. I know many (many, many) parents who leave these types of decisions up to their children, while providing guidance and helping to interpret how things feel, and the kids self-regulate just fine. I know it might seem like a stretch to believe this, but it is more likely than not that a child that isn't led to feel lack around the subject of potato chips will happily *also* choose foods that are more nourishing to their bodies, simply because it feels good to do so.

 

Of course this is all besides the point of the discussion at hand, but I wanted to point out that one shouldn't assume such things are true of all children.

 

ARGH! I guess my kids and I are just really freaky folks (someone has to lead the freak parade song keeps running in my head.:lol:)

 

My children do not make themselves the center of attention, they do not go running or screaming. And if not pushed into physical contact, will usually warm up to the person just fine.

 

they are also not even remotely scared of old people (altho I propose they might be if all old folks felt the need to insist on physical displays of affection that don't really mean anything)

 

of course I encourage them to offer affection, but I wouldn't MAKE them do it. (grammy would love it if you gave her a hug! why don't you take this book to grammy to read to you?)

 

there's a LOT of presemptions here.

 

that for some reason a kid who doesn't want to hug/kiss a virtual stranger (family or otherwise) is a screaming, ill-mannered manipulator who has been made to fear the world and thus will develop crippling shyness (altho shyness is not the term for a person who's daily life is crippled by social anxiety)

 

Come now. Really I feel none of that applies to the majority of children I know and nothing the OP has suggested implies that it is the situation for her either.

 

If another parent is okay with pushing their kid to do such things, fine for them.

 

but I fail to see how it will develop any emotional attachment within the family, usually when faked affection is forced it tends to breed aversion and resentment more than anything. and I fail to see how it will make a child better mannered. by all means teach them to shake hands and speak politely and such. these things, these mannerisms, are not contrary to each other.:confused:

:iagree: I'm not sure where all these assumptions are coming from either. It actually makes me a little sad to see such little expectation of, and faith in, our collective children.

[Greta]

I'm very much in agreement with the sentiments that MelanieM and Martha have expressed here.

 

There are a LOT of ways of showing respect and even affection besides a hug. My daughter uses handshakes, genuinely warm and kind words, and gives drawings and home-made cards, as only a few examples of all the possibilities. I would think that these things, which come from her heart, would be of more value than a hug which had to be forced and was merely tolerated.

 

Also, with regards to a child who is afraid of elderly people, it strikes me that forced hugs might be just as likely to reinforce this fear or make it worse as it would to help them overcome it. But I'm just wondering, not speaking from experience. My dd has never been afraid of the elderly, and she gives hugs freely to her grandparents and great-grandmother, and did to her other great-grandparents too when they were still alive. But they have always waited for her to initiate, or asked politely, but never forced it or pushed in any way.

[Elizabeth Conley]

Early on in this thread, I stated that I thought the parents should be firm with the BIL. I further warned:

 

"Expect the BIL to hem and haw, pout, bellow defensively, wheedle, expound, pontificate, bluster and generally protest. Be firm."

 

Be firm. When you put your foot down on these issues, you usually get a lot of drama. This is something you'll just have to gut out, if hope to define and defend your boundaries at all. As hard as this initial skirmish seems, if you don't fight here, you'll find longer and harder somewhere else.

 

Lots of people think children should perform emotional labor on demand, pretending to feel things they don't feel, and performing acts of affection that feel false to them. These people really and truly believe what they are saying. They do not accept that there is a connection between sexual abuse and boundary violations, nor do they accept a connection between social dysfunction and a poorly defined boundaries.

 

That's beside the point. It's a clear boundary incursion for these people to force their opinions on you, and even more serious for them to force physical affection on your child. Be kind, be respectful, and be firm.

 

If you don't stand firm at this point, then when and where do you plan to start? This is a major boundary. You know it is, so police it!

[secular_mom]

 

If you don't stand firm at this point, then when and where do you plan to start? This is a major boundary. You know it is, so police it!

 

Thank you for your input. I completely disagree with some peoples view of children. I see them as equals who deserve our respect, I don't think any one deserves more respect just because they were born earlier.

I've seen some assumptions being made, that are just not accurate.

My child does NOT want to be the center of attention, she doesn't feel comfortable with a room full of people she's not around on a regular basis to be staring at her, commenting about her habits and appearance (she's the 'cutest' of our kids according to lots of people- she's the only one with blue eyes and blonde hair; she sucks her thumb) and then insisting that she sit in their lap or give them a hug. She has no problem with appropriate interaction, it's the excess attention that drives her away. I really feel that it's not an appropriate burden for adults to be placing on a 3 year old either- I can't really explain it very well, I think it's just something you'd have to witness (the way they stare at her and gush over her- and they don't treat our other children this way, and they didn't treat our other children this way when they were the same age or when they were the 'youngest'). The more I think about it, the more boundaries I see that I need to place around this child.