Comments about non romantic relationships are also welcome. But I see how responses will differ. There’s a different dynamic. I agree with the boss thing. The dishes — I would still deal with resentment so for me it’s not a full solution but it might feel like my only choice. I do think that men vs women affect a communication style as well — stereotypically, the men may be less prone to text for the sake of conversation. They may prefer to text more so to confirm information. For me personally, it’s hard for me to believe someone wants to see me in the near future if the communication drops. So then I think ok they lost interest. That may not necessarily be accurate but that’s how it feels.

The autoshop said they’d have my car done Tuesday but I didn’t really buy that. Today they called to say they are replacing the cv axel (not joint) and I’m overdue for an oil change and needed transmission fluid. The quote jumped up of course but I can chip in if need be so I told them to go ahead. He plans to get the car back to me Wed. I got a health ins packet via email. I’m not sure if I’m reading it correctly. The dental doesn’t look worth it. I think I’ll end up paying approx $130/mo for my health ins. Doubt I’ll opt into the vision. I didn’t really understand it. My friend that moved from MS to LA said her auto ins doubled. Well the amount I pay is based on this old car. Hate to see the quote if I buy another car. I don’t know if I budgeted enough a month for utilities. I ballparked $250. She said sometimes hers is really high but they chose the leveling option where they pay an average that my budget would cover. I don’t know if the leveling option applies to where I’ll be living. One home has all elec. One has a gas range. My loose budget might need tweaking for car fuel use and/or groceries. There’s some wiggle room there. I doubt I eat $300 in groceries. In a typical week I buy chicken, a tub of Greek yogurt, fruit, some veggies and a few other things. I eat a pretty basic diet these days. Drink water. Don’t know about their local water. I do own a filtered pitcher. And they have a Costco there which I might try — I think my acct is still active but I’ll log online to check. I really don’t use Costco except for maybe a couple items or the gas station (which I was warned is always overrun so don’t bother). I just like buying hearts of romaine in bulk as I eat a lot of salads. They have already printed the work schedule for Nov and Dec. They are emailing me Dec soon. Now I gotta see how badly this affects my visitation. It might be moot because of the kids’ vacation. I’d like to take the kids to Dave & Buster’s one of their vacation days. It has its own parking garage.

Yeah, exactly 😕

That’s what I had for a couple weeks… called or texted me on a day even if he’s at work. Made plans to see me twice in one day. Asked me to be exclusive (not me asking). Over promising then retracting plans based on whatever hiccup there was. I don’t think there was real malice but things always get complicated.

Yeah, mirroring is discussed in some dating videos I’ve seen. The guy speaking said mirroring can be appropriate sometimes but if it’s early on, you need to do modeling to show what kind of interactions you would like. You both just refuse to text then no one talks. You might have to reach out first. After modeling has been covered then mirroring seems more appropriate. But this guy also says avoid protest behavior so I guess he sees them differently?

In my dating experience post marriage it can be regular texting that drops off. And for someone like me, it’s very jarring. I’ll have to talk about consistency and how those things don’t work for me (early on).

I felt an F yeah on both ends but without full knowledge of the obstacles. And I was ok filing this relationship in the “maybe down the line” category… but now doubt that’s the case, either. Ds told me advice he heard. “Dating is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably 💩” lol

☹️

It wasn’t intentional breadcrumbs and I did express myself. It was just constant obstacles that infringed on most quality time. And then of course me asking if I was too demanding of someone’s time so early in a relationship. So a lot of mental gymnastics. The truth is even if something is “standard” if it makes you feel unsatisfied, maybe it’s not right for you. Like maybe it’s standard to see a new bf once a week but you want to see someone twice. It’s really hard to find someone on the same page, or so it seems.

I was mostly referring to a romantic interest. But our relationship is all messed up now. Went from bf/gf back to friends… so I expected to not really have much interaction but then they said they definitely wanted to do this and that and if I need help moving they might be able to help. Like stop with the mixed signals. If you want loose don’t future fake or whatever.

I think it’s amusing that all the relationship stuff I read/watch says that texting more in the early stages is less ok and later in the relationship more standard. I feel the opposite!! I’m excited to get to know you and see you… but after a couple months I’m more likely to know your routine better and casually set up plans to see each other this night or that. And married?? We hardly texted! It was mostly “can you pick up ____ from the grocery store” type texts. Yes some of my texting is based on their responses (what they say, how often).

I see a common third one which is excuses and you sometimes never find out the truth

That’s very dangerous. Now you may describe anxious attachment here… we’re scared to be left so we push down our own needs/wants. It’s scary to say we need or want more than the person seems able/willing to provide because that means what, we part ways? We’re openly dissatisfied? We’re scared we look needy? Etc. I don’t think you (or me) really need/want less. We just start accepting less. I have accepted breadcrumbs for years. I’m trying not to do that anymore. It’s hard! At least in romantic relationships I rarely see what I need and it’s very disheartening.

ok let’s say in an office a person wants you to buy a fundraiser item but this person never buys your fundraiser items. People do this behavior all the time. It’s just… unspoken? Well I would have bought Susie’s gift wrap but she never buys the GS cookies. Not saying this is right or wrong, but these interactions happen.

Sometimes I think it’s totally lost on people that their actions caused us to disengage. They are oblivious and could assume we haven’t spoken lately for any number of reasons. This may not help with the relationship, if growth is desirable that is.

So would you say don’t tell them or tell them hoping they will not repeat the behavior?

If you have read Attached, this topic comes up. It’s one I’m grappling with these days. My understanding is that instead of being direct, you go the passive-aggressive route. (That would be protest behavior but they want us to avoid it) It’s really hard because I think we look more vulnerable being direct. “Hey, it upset me you didn’t text the last few days” vs I just won’t text this person for a few days. How do you feel about the advice to avoid protest behavior? Are you actively practicing ways to avoid it? Do you think the notion is kinda crappy because some people maybe “need a taste of their medicine”? what are your thoughts? Sometimes I worry that being open just makes me look weak. Ugh

So far it appears that AT&T internet is out of the question. I don’t know if the agent was talking upload or download speeds but said one address only offered 18 Mbps. What?! Lol I contacted another internet provider and they service both addresses. $50/mo. That’s reasonable. My last service was $65/mo. and that’s what I budgeted. $65 is probably after additional fees so it’s probably the same. I own my own 2-in-1 modem/router.

We never discussed co-signing. I don’t think that’s the intention.

I have 2 homes to view on Wed. One just dropped in price $100 making it land in my search results ($1045/mo). Notes say elec and gas not included in rent which implies they pay water/sewer/trash but I’ll ask. And I don’t know if I’ll have to shell out deposits for the gas and elec. I read that they don’t always have a fee to turn on elec. Both homes have w/d inside. Ds bowls at school this semester so he suggested we go bowling this week. We went last night. We also played pool together (my dad has a pool table but mostly the kids were young and I was terrified for them to ruin the surface). Afterwards I asked if the kids wanted to go home or wander around Walmart. We went to WM because I wanted to get a couple clothing items. They own very few things bought by me/are outgrowing items. I scored 2 long length shirts on clearance (she is tall) for dd and got her an anime shirt that is a birthday gift. I tried to get ds something and he liked a t-shirt with a bowling image but it was too wide. He said he could use a pair of jeans though he mostly wears workout pants. I had him try some on and they weren’t a great fit but now we have an idea of the right size at least. Possibly I’ll get him jeans at Christmas. Then I asked dd what she wanted to eat as a birthday dessert and when. She chose a strawberry cheesecake and we sang to her last night because she didn’t want to wait lol I don’t think I could have afforded to pay for bowling, clothes, dessert if it hadn’t been for the Hive. So thank you. I have money set aside for activating my wifi etc after I move in.

Tour is booked for the $1100/mo one bedroom. Someone else already applied but he said he’ll show me on Wed and I might want to fill out the application in advance. I can possibly visit 1-2 other places that day but budget-wise they aren’t better and this landlord sounds very reasonable. For me this is kinda humiliating if my dad is there, asking a billion questions and writing the check. Yeah I’ll suck it up but it’s kinda mortifying. I never know how embarrassing or how long my dad will talk someone’s ear off. Like today we all went to a Japanese restaurant, my aunt & dad insist we link hands and pray grace at the table, and at some point I hear my dad and aunt talking about Japanese people and how they prefer something. All I can think is umm the staff might be Japanese and not appreciate this conversation? My dad used to live in Japan and speaks some Japanese but said no one there spoke it (not sure if he actually spoke to everyone though lol). Maybe I’m weird but I get embarrassed easily by my family. I don’t care if someone prays in public but I’d just bow my head and pray silently if I was going to.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done that by following the wrong email notification link 😅

Yeah I think he’s less bitter but he could just be masking. Hoping for more positive interactions. We dropped my car off today and they think I’ll get it back this week (Tues or Wed. They are closed Th/Fr).

Yeah. And I’m trying to set up a tour on Wed (the guy is busy Tues) with my dad and both kids. The kids might be bored (at least, dd). But it will be nice to have them come. Wed ds and I might rent the Good Burger 2 movie to stream. He wants to watch and it doesn’t go to theatres. I explained that the characters came from an old 90s show I used to watch and showed him YouTube clips. He had no idea. DD’s birthday is coming up but I won’t have her that day. So we’ll be sure to get frozen yogurt or something. We’re all on the way to eat at a restaurant (it’s closed Wed) now.

The background check cleared. Drug test should process within a few days. But they went ahead and gave me a letter for landlords. In the letter it says that my pay will go up after one year (yay).