violamama
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Posts posted by violamama
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All the above things (your own headspace clearing, love & logic, finding his currency) plus tons and tons and tons of dispassionate do-overs. He says "No" or talks back? You calmly say, "Would you like to try that again?" or "Can you find a polite voice for that?"
I find myself saying "We don't speak to each other that way" when my 5 yo tries disrespectful words. That could be helpful to you because you feel some of this is from influences outside your immediate family.
It takes a thousand thousand corrections. If you find yourself feeling judged by others, try to keep in mind that in your shoes they would have had a similar hard time. No person, parent, or child is perfect and you've had several curve-balls thrown your way. Try to give yourself grace.
ETA: That last paragraph is NOT to say that you or the circumstances necessarily created these current behaviors in your child. He may just be at an independence building & barrier testing stage of development. It's healthy for kids to reach those stages, but that doesn't make it any simpler in the day to day parenting!
:grouphug:
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By the way, is that the 7 year old in question in your avatar? He looks totally darling and very innocent of all charges! ;)
That's him. We do think he's pretty awesome. :D
My dad pulls all of his pockets out before he takes off his pants because he would leave things in the pockets like pocketknives that would clunk around and snag the clothes. If the pants pockets weren't poking out when my stepmother sorted the wash, she just dropped them in front of the hamper.
So simple, so brilliant! I love that idea.
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So fascinating! Thanks for posting.
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Thanks, all. I want to emphasize that I wouldn't be giving a consequence for forgetting. Rather, I want to give a mild consequence for not sticking with our rules. Rules which exist entirely because I know that a finely crafted web of habits help forgetful people not mess stuff up all the time.
He comes by it honestly. I've found my own keys in the freezer, my cell phone has cartwheeled spectacularly off the hood of my car on the freeway, and I once left a very expensive instrument on a train in Tokyo. My dad dropped a cell phone in a chipper, my husband left his car keys in a locked office building with his access card two days in a row.
Fforgetting runs deep and wide in my family, so teaching my little punks how to establish good habits is going to be a big part of life, maybe forever.
I think I'll have to cut out the stain and he can buy a cool patch for it. Love the ideas, all!
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No putting them in pockets. They have lots of little treasure boxes and backpacks for carrying them.
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I would normally agree, except for the no-crayons-in-clothing rule we have. Since it's a known and well-understood rule, I think it does merit a consequence.
He actually helps with the laundry quite a bit. Guess I lucked out there...
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My 7 yo is an absentminded little fellah. He left crayons from a restaurant in his brand new shorts pocket (the cargo pocket, or I might have caught it with my mad laundry ninja skillz). He has been warned about this before and the boys are actually not allowed to put crayons in their clothing at all because of it. Ever.
So...
He doesn't have any money saved, or I would make him pay for the shorts (which have now been washed thrice with hot water and Borax with no luck).
Creative consequence ideas... pretty please?!
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Coming up:
More laundry Borax did not work on crayon.
2 students
Print 3 more adoption dossier letters & get notarized when husband's home
Practice at least a few more hours after the boys are in bed.
Drove 45 minutes to gawk at an 80-acre party way too far from everything for us to consider buying. We could see 4 mountains from the road in front of it and had a lovely time driving anyway.
Thanks again for these threads, Jean.
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My boy just did his first "swim meet" at our community center. He is also 7 but has no concept of feeling pressure from the whole deal. He blithely swam (with very nice form) suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper slowly to complete his distances. He reminded me of the elderly masters swimmers who do laps at 4am. He may not have even noticed that there were other kids there and that they were going full speed ahead. All the adults cheered for everyone as they finished their laps, and the other boys on his team were totally fine with his style in the relay (i.e. they weren't annoyed with him for making them lose). No medals were given, so it was pretty low-key. I'm sure "real" meets are a different story.
At the end of it all, he was ecstatic. "I did so well! That was a blast!"
If it was hours away, there is no way we would be bothering with meets yet. We would wait until he was much older and just look for a teacher who fosters a learn-to-go-all-out-when-needed attitude in the lessons. It sounds like our kids have pretty different personalities, so your mileage will likely vary in what you want from this and how your kid would react. Our coach is amazing- does yours go with them? Can he tell you what the pros/cons would be for your particular child?
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Coming up for air as Friday is tackling me. All I can see now are sequined thongs... B)
What we've done:
3 loads of laundry, one of which had crayons in a cargo pant pocket. Immediately blamed the 5 yo, only to later discover it was the elder statesman. Sigh.
Called a new hire.
Emailed 3 people.
Called a student.
I practiced for 45 minutes.
Did school.
Swimming (Both boys were bonkers- the first day after a break is always depressing to me.)
Coming up:
More laundry (trying the old soak-it-in-hot-Borax on the crayon disaster load)
2 students
Print 3 more adoption dossier letters & get notarized when husband's home
Practice at least a few more hours after the boys are in bed. This may require wine. Too bad there's not such a thing as a "viola boy" with sequined parts.
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What would you do if a student was going to be out of the country for 3 months? We are facing this situation and I am not sure how to approach it.
That's tough. I have a wait list, so it might mean you would lose your spot unless you paid to hold your spot. If you could arrange for another student to extend their time (say, the two neighboring 30 minute students get 45 minute lessons for the three months and their parents split the cost with you- win win), then I think you'd have to go to the back of the line.
I would ask very very early and humbly. And if the teacher gave us a "deal", I would bring back a little gift. :thumbup1:
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I do get the policy. One is paying for a spot. But it just seems like there should be some rare exceptions if someone is truly sick. I wouldn't want someone in my home who is very sick.
I describe it like this: My life is scheduled such that it helps to think of it as me offering a one-on-one course, much like a college class. Just because your child is the only one in the course does not mean that having to miss it guarantees a make-up. I actually rent the facility where I teach, so not only would I not be paid for my half hour sitting there but I'm actually paying for it. Things happen, yes, but that's part of the risk of signing up a child for lessons. It's not necessarily a risk the teacher should assume simply because they are the teacher. Nobody asks our swim center to arrange another class when a child is sick. FWIW if the teacher misses, it totally makes sense to have prorating or make-ups.
My illness policy is similarly strict: Children who missed school that day are NOT allowed to come to their lesson. Children with active coughs, fevers, or upset stomachs are also not to come. I have sent kids home. And I am actually pretty likely to give a make-up, even though my handbook says I don't have to.
In my experience, parents bring their sick kids all the time. Actually, they often send the nanny with them.
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We explicitly have taught this, and I also think our boys are naturally affectionate. They often lobby for each other if one is getting a consequence, "Well, mom, you know he may just be a little bit tired. He probably didn't mean to do that. You could give him a chance this once." Gets me every time.
When they hit a few particularly whiney-fighty minutes, I will remind whoever is most frustrated that their brother loves him, takes care of him and looks up to him. I'll also remind them that they will not always live together and get to spend time together, and some day they will really miss it.
We often point out kindnesses when they pop up, and we encourage them to give each other gifts and other thoughtful things. When one or the other has done well at something, we chat loudly with the other about how great it is that their brother is rocking whatever he's rocking. It's kind of team-buildy and it becomes second nature.
In short, I don't blow off anything they say to or about each other. We don't allow them to be nasty to one another or to get into a negatively competitive mindset. I have seen other parents let their kids really go at it, including physical fighting and it just makes me sad. My husband & his sister always picked at each other and she still does. His parents seem to think it's just the way things go.
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I don't allow kids make-ups in my handbook. IRL, sometimes I will offer one when I'm given notice of several weeks from a reliable student.
She's probably like that: I would definitely ASK her directly. She may put a strict face forward but be willing to make up her own absences.
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Excellent! That must be quite nerve-wracking. So glad she's home.
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Yeesh, definitely praying. :grouphug:
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Too wordy? I know, I babble.
1. Daily Routines
2. Chores
Please?
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What, no field trips? No specialized psychiatric counseling? Tailored meal plans? Positive reinforcement awards (i.e. gifts)?
We should be worth double. :laugh:
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Thinking of you and praying for your whole family.
:grouphug:
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Also my kids do their math drill as part of their evening routines- on Holidays, Sarurdays, and days off.
FYI, I posted a S/O thread to ask more about this.
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Calming Tea mentioned in the memorizing math facts thread that they have their kids do math facts as part of their evening routine. My ears perked right up.
So... a two-part question:
1. Can you tell me more about what your dc do as part of a routine each day? Anything- school, silly stuff, innovative child-herding techniques.
I'll go first:
We have car routines: we usually listen to our CC memory song cd or my 7yo does his reading flashcards (newest word cards or phonogram cards).
At bed, we usually read a Bible devotional or sometimes a silly story. We pray and special prayers are usually given out (we pick people we interacted with during the day, or a specific need we know of, or we give a specific praise for something in our lives).
We are holding on tooth and nail to our eating-out routines: basically no screens at the table. This always gets a little bent when we travel with extended family (a million family members and lonnnng meals). We bring scissors, crayons, origami paper.
2. I'd love to hear also about chores. My boys clear their plates, keep their room clean, help fold laundry. I know the 7 yo in particular is ready for more and I like the ideas in The Entitlement Trap but just haven't pulled the trigger yet.
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We have looked at last gen iPads on Craigslist and refurbed direct from Apple. I just like the way the work, and the way they keep on working.
We've been lucky in that my husband's work got him a new tablet (a Surface Pro) so when the boys both use an iPad, with my husband's old one, we now have two. It seems to me an iPad each for a 7 and 5 yo is extravagant. Actually, one of the only things I don't like about them is that I sometimes worry about the cost (danger of breaking or getting stolen). We have decided they won't do game boxes for various reasons, so the iPad is one way they also get a little pop culture. Every kid they met on our vacation this week could "speak" angry birds & cut the rope!
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In the past, when I've answered "maybe" about something, he's often convinced himself I've said yes. I guess I just need to say "I don't know" to everything that is anything but a definite yes or no.
I might even take it a step further to make it "out of your hands" rather than him having to wait on you to decide.
You can say something like, "We'll have to see how long this takes." or "It will depend what the plans are for the afternoon and how the lawn watering goes." This way, he can actually help you determine the answer and will still feel some control. My 5yo is definitely waaay into wanting control and this helps him a lot. I might even ask him to help me keep an eye on the time to determine what will fit in our day. If something he wanted gets left out, sometimes we can help him redirect his frustration by saying, "I know you would like the sprinkler to be on the schedule tomorrow. Can you please remind me in the morning so it makes it into our free time plan?"
It's hard, isn't it, to determine when you need to teach your child to just go with what you say and when you can rework your wording to make it easier for them? I don't want to bend over backwards for my very bright, socially advanced, sometimes crazy 5 year old because I know the world will not. The world doesn't revolve around him. But then again, it makes our day so much smoother and I see him getting better at adapting almost daily...
ETA: For disrespect, we say, "Would you like to try that again" a LOT. He's very good at friendly-calm-polite voiced do-overs. Yours might be, too.
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We're living it up in a hotel in Newport Beach, California.
Friday we collected sunburns at the pool, yesterday we went to the LA Museum of Natural History, today we were at the pool and will head to the beach in a while to catch sand crabs and fly some kites. We'll probably go out on the beach tomorrow for the services they have there for/by veterans. We did meet some new Marines in the hot tub last night. Nice kids. They were so young, it actually broke my heart a little.
I have a hard time not being busy. If I'm not doing something, I feel guilty. Is this a common attribute for women
in The Chat Board
Posted
Am I making this up, or are you also a musician?
Many (most?) musicians I know who have pursued serious training at some point in their college lives are like this. It's the I-should-be-practicing syndrome. I can seriously do it even when I've finally crawled into bed at 1am and am trying to fall asleep.
Agree on the multitasking. Have you tried cutting caffeine? You go first and tell me how it works out. :leaving: