Danestress
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Posts posted by Danestress
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I actually don't think one adult should be with 11 perfectly behaved preschoolers (hypothetically). There should be two adults in any class at all times - for legal reasons.
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I vacuum most days. I don't even think about it - I just do it. Brushing outside helps. I have always had dogs with soft shepherd coats and consider it the price of ownership.
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For us in our current situation, if it were 10k it would to in the car fund. If it wer closer to 40k, I would put 10k in my future car fund and probably use the balance to some home remodel/repairs.
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I think it is strange that the mom would not know that you have called a child Benji for four years. Seems like she would have heard it before.
I would not call a child by a nick name as a sitter. A lot of parents in the South have strong feelings about this. If the parents introduce a child as Benjamin, I would call him that. If the child wanted to be called something different and insisted on it, I would speak to the parents. But I would not make suggestions because I know some parents really would not like that.
I would not really be mad if someone called my child by a nick name. With a young child, I would expect that if I corrected them, they would defer to me, since I am paying them. It would make me mad if a sitter (or family member) persisted or argued with me about it.
I thnk you should just apologize and call him Benjamin. Since you are apparently the only one calling him Benji, I should think that will be ok with him. If he really felt strongly about being called Benji instead, I would imagine he would wage that battle on several fronts - at school, with friends, etc. Since it sounds like he is not doing that yet, he probably will be ok with you changing what you call him.
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Would this replace medicaid? How about housing assistance? Unemployment benefits?
I am trying to think about how it would work. Let's say a family with young children is homeless because the parent, for whatever reason, have not managed that income well? Would they be without assistance until the next check comes?
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Okay, the anniversary of the great cupcake kerfuffle is on August 10th! What are you doing? In case you want to refresh your memory, here's the link.
Really? That is my birthday. So I guess I will sit around eating all the awesome cupcakes you all will bake and deliver. Right?
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No - it's not cast iron. I actually would love a good, well seasoned old cast iron pan! I will ask her what she used it for. I think grilled cheese or other things for a lone eater is probably the correct answer. When I saw "grilled cheese," I thought that is probably it, and that I rarely eat grilled cheese. So of course all day I have been craving a grilled pepper jack and summer tomato sandwich!
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How about, 'Uncle John we are all just so sad and so exhausted and it doesn't always bring out our best. It is sooo unlike you to make something all about yourself when a widow and bereaved children are hurting, so I know this is just your response to sorrow. But please try to get some rest and regroup, because you are really upsetting us."
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I can't imagine. ((((Jean)))) I know you will do your best to protect your mother from additional stress. Sad that you have to be doing that, though, with this kind of family angst.
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I am sure this is a big decision for you! Honestly, I think we sometimes make decisions like this, and only much later see what was really good and bad about the choices we made. Your reasons may seem petty to you, but I bet there are deeper reasons behind some of your frustrations.
All I can say is that it probably is hard living in Malaysia, but I bet it's going to seem really really hard to come home. I hope you can find a community that will understand how important that experience was in your life. It's going to be an adjustment for all of you and you are going to need to process your memories and experiences. I know we talked about this when you were just going to visit home - about how hard it was that people didn't seem interested in your life in Malaysia. My guess is that this will make it difficult when you move back to the States. But you will get through it.
Are you going to settle in Michigan? Or is that up in the air? Might I make the case that in NC, we have great colleges and your children can play tennis year round outside? :) Move here!!!
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Is it allergies or a cold or something else?
I like the old kind of sudafed - the little red tabs that you have to give your ID for now because of their use in manufactured meth).
But some people can't take them because it interferes with sleep or can raise blood pressure. Since you are in the midst of treatment, I would ask. Meanwhile, I do think that the use of a Neti pot can be really helpful.
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Hey, grilled cheese is a good point! We only have one grilled cheese eater, but I agree that this would be the perfect pan for a grilled sandwich. Thanks!
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My MIL was really happy to give me a pan that she swears was her absolute favorite. It's just a small 8 x 8 square, flat, griddle type pan. I actually was wanting a griddle, but what I would like is a much bigger one that I could cook pancakes and eggs on for my family. I am just not sure what makes a small griddle type pan like this desirable. It does have a long handle - so perhaps griddle is not the right word. I am pretty committed to not keeping items in my kitchen that I do not actually use.
My MIL won't know or care if I give it away or stick it in the attic, but the fact that she loved it makes me think it has some awesome use I have not recognized ....
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Getting back to the OP,
I wonder if it is possible that the man was not so much embarrassed by how much he earned, but just embarrassed about talking about his income with a stranger. It would actually be really interesting to read about why money talk is so taboo in some cultures (and not others), but I think many of us were raised to just not talk about money. My parents didn't talk about what things cost, what people earned, who was rich and who was poor. It was considered really tacky to do so. I would never have asked my own parents what they earned or what our house cost. Buy I have friends from other cultures who will ask very direct questions about finances, and I can see that my parent's attitude is not universal. In fact, in this day when so much information about the selling price of homes or the salaries of people in various jobs is online, what used to be very private is now public. But those "prudish" attitudes that were trained into us as children run deep. I can't really say why, but I would not be happy to have to discuss my income or DH's, in good times or bad. So I am just wondering if maybe the man was sort of embarrassed not so much by the actual answer, but by talking about his specific income at all.
Or, perhaps he had what I think is a common embarrassment to reveal something that might seem like bragging. I know some people can't wait to tell about their child's great psat scores, their low body fat percentage, or their planned trip to Europe. But for whatever reason, some people seem almost apologetic when forced to admit that they have had some great luck or some success. Again, this probably has to do with childhood training, and perhaps is a false humility, but I can imagine someone seeming embarrassed by a high income who actually just feels very lucky and doesn't want to seem to be gloating.
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. Having a few close friends is wonderful, but it doesn't provide immunity from negative jabs directed at you.
Yes, she is very introverted.
I think we all remember the negative moments pretty vividly, and they hurt. Those jabs wound.
But as an adult, I have those few close friends, and while they can't provide immunity, they do provide confidence. They are encouraging, gracious, helpful and wise. So I guess I would tell her to always cultivate good female friends. And rather than asking, "Why do women treat each other badly?" to ask, "Why can't everyone be as kind as these women?"
There will always be mean people in the world, and as a mother of boys, I find it stunning how much boys put each other down. But if (as a girl/woman) you let that stuff really under your skin, you miss out on all the sweetness, graciousness, humor and caring that female friends offer each other. I am sure male friends can be great, too. But I also think DH is aware that in a crisis, my friends, even the ones who have full time jobs, are the people who will look out for the kids, bring the meals, sit at the hospital etc. I know my sisters are there for me in a more powerful way than anyone else in the world, and I just wonder why women have a bad rep when so many of them are so lovely. I guess it's a "few bad apples" syndrome.
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We started the third week in August and were done the first week of June. We had a longer Christmas break than they seem to now. We also had a week off in the spring and a good number of other breaks of shorter duration.
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I think the sensitivity, negativity etc is just a personality thing - not really a boy issue or girl issue. But within the body of a boy, it might just feel more challenging for you because of the (stereotypically, but of course people are individuals) boy tendency to be more physical, more competitive, and take longer to develop impulse control.
I also think that it is probably a bit of a challenge for him to be the only boy and to have had new sister when he was two and another now. Babies take up a lot of a Mom's time and attention and make it hard for Mom to do some of what he might really need. My first thought was that this is a boy who probably needs to stay busy and engaged, to have a lot of outdoor time, to have a lot of one on one time with his parents. But of course those things are hard for a Mom who is pregnant twice and has a baby twice in his four year life. I know it's not easy for you to decide that he needs to go to the park or swimming pool or take a nature walk every afternoon. That is probably nap time for the baby, and you are probably exhausted.
But I do think that the ideal for a kid like this would be to stay quite busy doing whatever he likes to do that is at least a little challenging and active. Lots of chances to play games with Mom or Dad, lots of time outside, extra opportunities to do things alone with a parent whether that is story time, building a lego project, making a fort outside, etc. Easier said than done, I know. But a bored child with this personality can be a difficult child, and because he is just harder to get along with for you than your daughter, you may need to make an extra effort to create situations in which you can show him that you like doing things with him and love him for who he is.
And in some families, I think Moms tend to think that the boy needs time alone with Dad, which is true. But if Dad is a typical guy who works out of the house, that is something that sometimes has to wait. Dad is at work, and then Dad needs to spend time with Mom, the girls also need time alone with Dad, and Dad needs some down-time. It's a hard stage. But Moms sometimes forget that that boy would also benefit from a lot of time alone with Mom, and that he may crave some attention and focus on him from you as well.
Anyway, I do think it can be very trying to have a "challenging" child when you are dealing with younger children. I know I was frustrated at a certain age when I just wanted my older to have mercy on my pregnant then nursing then exhausted with toddlers self. On some level, I just wanted him to "get" that things were very demanding for me and to not create extra demands by being difficult. Looking back, this seems sort of funny. Young kids tend not to be super compassionate about a parent being sick, tired, overworked, etc.
I am not punishment oriented, but I absolutely would "address" (not necessarily punish) the way he is speaking and the way he is hitting and purposely annoying people. Even if you just say, "We don't say, "hate" in our family. It's not nice. Everyone feels angry sometimes, but we don't say means things like that. When you are calm, you can tell me why you are mad." It's not a matter of having retribution, but it is (in my family) not acceptable, so it would be addressed and managed. But much of the management needs to happen when he isn't angry. That's where the relationship building comes in - the giving him time and attention and approval, helping him develop coping skills, helping him find activities that he likes to pour that energy into.
It's a tough stage!
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"God loves a terrier
yes he does
God loves a terrier
that's because
brown sturdy bright and true
they give their hearts to you
God didn't miss a stitch
be it dog or be it bitch
when he made the Norwich merrier
with his cute little 'derrier'
yes God loves a terrier!"
And to quote Lyle Lovett, "that's the difference between God and me." I have never met a dog I didn't like. But I generally like terriers the least!
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Yes, both very useful.
I'd also suggest that you work out what is reasonable for your family to contribute before you really start digging into the details and getting emotionally involved with potential choices. You also need to weigh whether you are OK with loans or not.
Not in everyone's case, but finances had to come first before we began looking. What I thought I would have to work with at this point is unavailable (multiple lawyers involved), and we had scale back our dreams. We're still going to do a few "reach" schools that will have to provide significant merit aid, but have backups planned as well that we can afford without merit aid.
Most of our friends looked and then considered the finances, and it has been tougher to work out than beginning with some rough numbers in mind.
Well, I have told my sons to look and apply, but to understand that when we make final decisions, finances will be a factor and they might need to attend something that wasn't their first (or second) choice depending on the overall financial situation. They are both pretty reasonable, logical people and have seemed to understand this. Honestly, I don't want them to narrow their consideration by finances too much, because until we run the numbers and look at the actual aid offered, I am not sure they can do so with all the facts. But we have an excellent university system and I will absolutely require them to apply to the top three public schools in our state, because you really can't beat that financially.
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Graduation rate really isn't necessarily something you want to be too high. When it is too high, it tends to be like high school and schools will go through great lengths to be sure their little darlings don't fail out - sometimes when they should. Several "easy" majors are created and those who are failing are sent to them... As long as a graduation rate is around normal, the school should be decent for the studious student.
Very interesting.
The reason I was asking, just having sort of skimmed through the "guide to colleges" was that one school I tend to think would attract moderately strong students academically (Georgia Tech) had a shockingly low graduation rate, though at the moment, I am too lazy to go upstairs and find the book so I can share the exact figure. But then I thought that, being basically in down town Atlanta, it perhaps has more adult enrollees. Or perhaps the "non finishers" are not in the departments that would be Ga Tech's strengths (and this is just one example). So of course if one is really interested in a school, one must go and ask these questions, but I knew you all would give me good thoughts as on this subject.
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Yes. ROTC strikes me as more practical in terms of long-term career goals than sports.
Another thing to consider is that you don't have to join ROTC as a freshman. You can start as long as you have at least two years of college remaining. If he does choose sports over ROTC, choosing a college with an ROTC program give him more options.
Oh yeah. There is, seriously, nothing practical about his sport long term. But at this point, it's probably something that will make colleges consider him that otherwise might not have. He a good student, truly. And his test scores are good. His Dad was a career officer, and I think it's natural he sees the military as a desirable career path. This makes my heart ache, but I can see he is really well suited for it. Anyway, fair or not, he can probably get into some desirable colleges if he is going to play for them that he might not get into if he were just applying based on academics We all know A students with good test scores who can't get into the college of their dreams or get merit based aid to attend their first choice. So for him, at this point in his life, the sport probably is actually a practical consideration in the overall application process. If he goes to a civilian school and wants a military career, he can still pursue that.
I appreciate you bringing this up though - it's something we can talk about and consider!
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There is a mandate regarding the percentage of scholarships that go to STEM majors. For the Navy it is around 85%. I have personal disagreements with this emphasis on technical majors and neglect of humanities (including languages, history and regional studies) that go back to around 1989 when a senior officer declared at my alma mater that humanities majors were doomed to be "wallflowers in the ballroom of progress."
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How funny. My DH was an English major at the USNA and he retired from the USMC, having had a good career. I wonder if that is unusual now.
But in our 50s, I think many of us feel like we are wallflowers in the ballroom of progress. I was a wallflower pretty much everywhere (and no worse for it, for the most part) but even he, who was a communications officer for years before the Corp sent him to school and he changed his MOS, can hardly program a universal remote. I think, in our later years, we are all mostly doomed to be "wallflowers in the ballroom of progress!"
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If he is applying to academies, is he also applying for college ROTC scholarships from the same service? That is a scholarship used at civilian schools that have ROTC units. You can see the schools for Navy ROTC at NROTC.navy.mil
That would give you a smaller but still varies list of schoolers to consider.
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Probably not because I think playng a demanding sport in college and participating in ROTC both would probably be too much of a time drain at a rigorous academic school. I know it can be done, but I have mixed emotions about college athletics to start with, and would dissuade him from adding another huge commitment. Ultimately it's his choice, of course, but he hasn't actually mentioned ROTC.
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I have two rising juniors who have two very different ideas about what kinds of colleges to look at. One is an athlete (and a very good student) and is applying to the military academies but needs some "plan B" options. Some of this will be driven by his sport and the coaches that are interested in him. But I want him to apply to at least two colleges that he thinks he would be happy to attend if he were not going to play his sport or were injured and could not be recruited on the basis of that.
The other kid is very strong academically, tests very well, believes he wants to major in chemistry, and is a musician. They probably will end up in very different kinds of schools, which just means we have more to look at and consider.
Yesterday I got a "guide" book as reference for colleges. It's just a way to get ideas about where to visit this year, have some information about the relative academic strengths of schools, see what the range of admissions standards is for that school, etc - ie a screening device.
But I wondered if anyone can give me so basic things to keep in mind when looking at the information. For example, when looking at the average SAT scores of new Freshman, how do you know whether that number is fairly accurate or is badly skewed by the admission of kids with lower scores who were recruited for sports or because of some special quality they bring to the school?
When you see that only 62% of Freshman graduated within 6 years, how do you know if that is because the school is badly run, an unhappy place, etc, or if it's because a lot of students are adults who are on the slower track or who drop out because of work or family obligations?
How did you use a guide like this, and what things did you find surprised you when you went from the "screening" process and actually visited or talked to admissions?
Watching a marriage go down in flames.
in The Chat Board
Posted
I think she was responding to the idea that there are not biblical grounds for divorce.
I will admit I have always found this a perplexing concept. Some people are pretty quick to tell when their spouse has committed adultery. But I suspect a great many more don't. Even upon divorcing, many people don't choose to reveal that their ex committed adultery. They have kids. They have family. They prefer not to embarrass someone they once loved. I suspect there are a great many people who live with the judgment that they divorced selfishly' and 'without biblical grounds,' and just privately accept that judgment because they want to protect their children/ex/in-laws. So they let the church ladies have their opinions and just keep their own counsel.
But that isn't necessarily relevant in this situation.