Danestress
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Posts posted by Danestress
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Well, if I know a teen at all well and witness a problem, I probably would talk directly to the teen. In the situation you described, if I were close enough to take a photo and connected enough to contact the parent, I probably would just speak to the teen. Even if I didn't go the chastisement route, just saying, "Hey John! How are you? I haven't seen your Mom in ages! I need to give her a call!" Would probably make the kid move on since he knows I know what he had been doing.
In general, I would let a parent know if it is a serious matter. I err on the side of minding my own business, but if someone is damaging property, being cruel, or doing something really dangerous, I probably might tell. But again, I might just talk to the kid. I do find that when kids know you are fond of them and enjoy them, they are more open to hearing from you. I use to shy away from that, but as my own kids have gotten older, I am more willing to be direct with other kids about specific things (texting while driving, drinking etc). I probably wouldn't feel that way of the kid had obvious problems, though. I don't think my, "Mom wisdom" is really adequate to help a kid with larger problems of emotional/anger issues, depression, dependency, etc.
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I think this is the only marriage book I have ever read. It was recommended on this board. It is not a Bible based book, but I am a Christian and really liked most of it.
http://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189
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I can't. We have obligations during the 9:30am service, so it means staying later but not missing the earlier time.
So it sounds like you have obligations at the morning service and then obligations with youth at night. I think that is enough.
I would probably go this time, but also let the leader know that you will not do it again - that Sunday needs to be a family day for you and this is too disruptive.
If you can resign from the committee without impacting others, I would consider it. On the whole, I am a person who really believes in following through with commitments, and I don't know how much of a commitment this is. But if you resigning would create a hardship or bad feelings, I would at least let them know that you will not meet at this time on Sundays again.
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Really it sounds like you want him to be happy, and he is considering a job change because he wants you and the kids to be happier. Sounds like a good problem - everyone is concerned with the happiness of the others. I guess I think he might also benefit from knowing his children better.
To me, this would be easy. I would trade a job I love for a job I like, assuming pay and benefits are equivalent, in order to be a better parent and more present spouse. I would encourage my husband to think about it in those terms too. I would not push it if I thought he would be resentful and have regrets, though.
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I do understand - it's so hard to transition through those early adult years.
However, I understood nothing about that when I was her age. I would have resented my Mom believing she had any 'rights' to get information first. I had back packed by myself through China for weeks at her age, and pretty much told my mother what I wanted. We were and are close, but I didn't really understand how periods of less communication might feel to a mother.
I don't think this is a MIL issue (this particular thing - I am sure there is more to it). She did what anyone would do. This is a daughter issue, but I don't think you can address it easily. I would just be very happy when she does call. "I am so good to hear your voice. You made my day!"
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My dad was not present for my birth. However, days after going home, my mother was rehospitalized for two weeks and they did not permit children or babies to visit. So my dad had to take care of me by himself for two weeks, which remained a source of pride for him the rest of his life.
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People can be tedious, and few things are more tedious than talk about diet and weight. But really, people like to talk about themselves. When I am in a situation where I am bored, aggravated etc, I just try to ask questions. "So where do you work out?" "Do you do that in the morning?" "Oh, that is right near that new Thai restaurant. Have you ever tried it?" "Didn't you go to Thailand a few years ago?"
I have an acquaintance who literally can not talk about anything but her children. It used to drive me crazy - I felt trapped anytime I had to talk to her. Now, I just ask more questions about them. It's still boring, but better.
I don't think these ladies likely were being rude, but perhaps were not really thoughtful. Many people just never learned the basics of being good company. Left to their own devises, they are going to talk about boring things - their health, their diet, their toddlers, what they bought, what they want to buy, their jobs, their dogs,the hassels of home ownership, etc. If you have to be there, and I personally would not want to interrupt my husband if he seemed interested in his conversation, I think you just have to steer the conversation a bit. Or, alternatively, excuse yourself to the ladies room, where hopefully there is good reading material:)
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It sounds like she is a good grandmother who is just a bit overbearing and overly needing to "help." Sometimes I think the direct approach is best, especially in a context when you care about the person and they care about you.
"MIL, I need you to stop asking me to let you test the kids. It's not going to happen, and I am not sure why you keep asking. It really bothers me. I love how you spend so much time with the kids, and you are a great grandmother, but I need to ask you not to try to test the or give them homework. That is my job as a mother, and you are overstepping your bounds."
Yeah, she will be mad. But you got to say your bit. She can argue, but you can say, "I am sure a lot of people would agree with you, but I don't, and DH and I as parent have the only votes. Please just respect my feelings about this." And be super nice and polite about everything else. Don't defend, argue, present evidence etc. Just let this be your one "thing" that she can like or not like but that you have decided. If you are awesome to her otherwise, and not otherwise controlling, it will blow over. Sometimes you just have to let people be mad. Right now, you are upset and are the one who is expending energy being troubled by this dynamic. Lay down your position clearly, and let HER be the one dealing with any negative feelings it conjures.
You can expect that might short term cause some conflict. But don't let yourself get mired in it. If she says you are controlling, a micromanager, ruining your children, etc, you just say something like, "I hear you, and maybe you are right, but in the end, I am the Mom, so I am making this choice."
I know a lot of people say to let each spouse deal with his or her own parents, but sometimes I just think it's effective to say your bit very directly and let the chips fall. My MIL did not really like it when I was direct with her early in our marriage, but we haven't had a cross word in 18 years since. If she has "issues" with me, she copes with them somehow. And I do give her leeway to be herself and to do things differently with the kids than I might prefer, but I did lay down my bottom line about the thing that mattered to me.
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I know better than to try to convince her or her dh to quit. That has to be up to them. The thing is...she digs in her heels before anyone else even mentions the topic. She goes on the offensive. If I say anything (if it happens again) it will be something like, "You know, every time we talk, you bring up smoking." Then see what she says.
If it's really just that - that it is tedious to hear her go on and on about something, I would hesitate to say anything. I would feel differently if she were talking that way in front of my kids, or if I saw her very frequently, but since it doesn't sound like that, I would try to just let it pass and to change the subject. I have family members and friends who just seem to need to spout about whatever their "issue" is - politics, guns, smoking, diet etc. Even if they are flat wrong, I try to remind myself that I don't need to comment on every subject. Sometimes we just have to let it go, listen politely to the person we are talking to, and then move on.
I have a friend who will say, "I am glad you enjoy that" when someone starts in about how they never eat sugar or how drinking green smoothies has changed their lives, or how running intervals is THE way to be healthy. She's old, she's not going to start a bikini body work out or start drinking kale smoothies, and she is very, very polite. I try to channel her in such situations.
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I guess it must be very hard for her, if she really looks at it, to realize that her husband doesn't want to be with her, her son doesn't want to be with her, the grand kids don't want to be with her, and in the end, the DIL doesn't really want to be with her either. And it must sort be hard to realize that she is cooking and preparing, and everyone else is doing something they like.
I actually think this is rather common. I definitely not to 'fun' one at Christmas. I get stressed and irritable and resentful. I feel burdened and under appreciated. I know I being dumb, that I could just not cook anything and act surprised no one else did either. I could order Chinese, buy a pie rather than bake it, learn not to care if the house is messy, etc. I have this desire to make Christmas great for everyone, and then a realization that it's not fun for me. I am a pleaser so I want it to be great, but I get very stressed that someone won't be happy. I worry too much about what to cook and who will like what, I don't sleep well, and then I get more emotional than normal. I know I have the power to change some of this, but Christmas brings out the worst of it.
So in a way, I think your FIL and DH are probably being a bit inconsiderate. I think it is probably a mistake to send the kids off watching tv, and I can see both why this miserable for you and for her. It's hard to change family dynamics. It would be great if your FIL were in there cooking and laughing with her or if your DH insisted on taking a walk with her while you and FIL finished the cooking, or if everyone were out playing football. But it's probably never going to be that way.
I guess I can feel sympathy for an older woman whose world has become small so that she has become increasingly boring and irritating, and who can see from everyone's choices that she just isn't a cherished presence, but she's still there doing the work.
I can also totally relate to being the DIL who did not create this situation and isn't responsible for solving it. Your DH should be the one who is concerned about giving his mother some love and attention and teaching the kids to do the same.
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I have a twin pack I will gift to someone. They are 2 years past the expiration date, but unopened, so I should think they will work fine.
If you actually use and need them, pm me with an address. I am heading to the ups store now so, "act quickly - this special offer won't last!"
Ps: shopping on me too - I just want to rehome these and engage in the joy of giving away stuff I can't use anyway!
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Oh, and btw, one of my biggest parenting regrets is that I did not do anything to advocate for my son when he was in kindergarten. He was assigned to be an 'elf' in the school performance. He was mortified that he had to wear red tights, which he felt were a 'girl' thing. And honestly, At the time, you did have to buy from the girl's section if you needed red tights, I talked to him endlessly about how it was just a costume, how 'girl' things are not bad, how he needed to be a team player... And I won. He was on stage in the stupid tights. But he stood silently with his arms crossed for most of the performance. It's a pretty hilarious video, but a sad reminder to me that I failed my son because I didn't want to make waves. I should have at least voiced his feelings and asked about wearing red sweat pants. Or perhaps asked about rethinking that role for him.
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I think you get the medal for the easiest post to 'just agree with.' Totally insensitive, wrong, and embittering.
I would email (because I might cry on the phone, and I am truly not a frequent crier, but this is making *me* want to cry). I would try persuasion first. All the normal, 'How can we make this work?' stuff. I would tell them what you told us about your sons's excitement/disappointment.
If that doesn't work, I would start in on how your son is being penalized because of his special challenges, the school is marginalizing him for a (not sure this is the right word) disability? challenge? immaturity? And that a preschool should care more about learning to deal with differences than having a perfect performance. And, if they are unrelenting, I would let them know you will pursue and publicize this with your full energy.
I would not, however, just show up if that might cause your son more pain. Even if you succeed in getting him on stage, I would be concerned about how he might feel/react to any heated exchanges or the disapproval of the staff. Getting all dressed up and then hearing, 'We told you not to come' would devastate most children, and the Joy would be sucked out of it, even if he did end up participating. I would be concerned that a melt down would then take place and you would then have an ugly, 'We told you so,' response.
Happy Holidays, lol. Nothing like seeing this kind of intolerance and cruelty at a season of light, joy, love, and peace on earth.
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I want to drop off something for my son and DIL tomorrow. I don't know what, though. I don't think it should be Christmas stuff (but tell me If you do think so!). DIL does not seem much of one for flowers/plants. They have two cats and a puppy, so I think it doesn't seem worth the bother to deal with animals knocking plants over.
I have given them restaurant certificates in the past, but she is very particular about food ... which I only know from his comments - she does not let on at all!
They both work odd hours so I don't want to buy tickets to an event because I never know what days they are working.
I would like to keep it under $100. Something that says I love them and something that they both would like! And nothimg I have to order online because, of course, I waired until the last minute:). I am having a hard month and everything seems like 'too much' right now:(
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We have a lot of consignment shops in this area, and my friends who need a lot of cocktail dresses or nice work clothes use them. I never ever find things at Goodwill. I hate shopping and do most of it online. I can find bargains that way, and my body is a very 'standard' shape, so I have good luck with having things fit. I just can't deal with the time it takes to check out Goodwill regularly, when so often there is nothing. When I do shop in stores, I have usually looked online already to see what will be there and what is discounted. I don't mind spending a bit more for new clothes because my time is valuable to me. I am not a 'clothes horse' though. I don't buy much. I guess I like having nice clothes, but not as much as I hate shopping.
ETA that the last time I bought something at GW, the cashier asked me if I get a senior citizen discount. So my 45 year old self kind of had hurt feelings!
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When married DH he was a widow. He and DS, age 5, had not gone to church a lot but agreed to attend an Episcopal church with me. That particular church used very thin, almost translucent, wafers at the Eucharist table.
The next Monday, DS told his kindergarten teacher, 'My new Mom took me to church, and they ate Christ's body .... But it was really just his skin."
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Well if they weren't so heavy I would keep that in mind!Then again, you will probably never use them. Let me help you out by giving you my shipping address . . .
I am going to try some things in the 2 quart. They are not especially valuable, but I do remember my mother using them when I was a kid, so I would like to keep them if I could figure out a good use.
Since you are a fan, can you tell me what brand you would buy if you wanted a large one but didn't want to pay $300?
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Hmmm. I am taking the silence to mean that there really is no great use for a one or two quart dutch oven.
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I am trying to weed out stuff in my attic.
I have long wanted a large enameled cast-iron Dutch oven. I would have many uses for that. However in my attic I have two very small Copco Dutch ovens. They are nice old vintage pieces, but I am not sure how useful a 2 quart and 1 quart Dutch oven would be for my family. I guess that's why they have been in the attic!
Any ideas of how I could use these that I just haven't considered?
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Absolutely - you are a unit. That said, my DH has lunch with his Mom every couple of weeks and I don't go. I am not invited, but I am not 'not' invited either. I guess they assume I don't want to go, and they are right. When I got married, my mother told me that what many mothers really most want is time alone with their child. I do think that is true, even though my MIL likes me. I think it would be hard to not get time alone with an adult child. If my sisters getting married meant I would never spend time with them alone, it would be sad. I truly adore both BILs and love seeing them. But a little time with my sisters alone is also special.
So I guess I think you should be invited - especially on his birthday. But I don't feel hurt knowing that my MIL is thrilled to have one on one time with DH.
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These are my somewhat contradictory tips.
1. Sometimes DH and I bicker more when our conversations include stress 'in anticipation' of possible arguments. What should be a simple statement can then be infused with stress, defensiveness, or irritation. Try to just state the facts without that emotional content. Just say "the kids need to clean up before they go." If you keep it brief and neutral, it goes over better. The fact that you are worried about bickering probably increases the liklihood of conflict.
2. DH and I both can get upset just by seeing that the other is a tiny little bit irritated. Sometimes we need to just let the other person be annoyed. I am especially guilty of sometimes wanting him to do what I want but then being upset that I can see he doesn't like it. It's often better for me just to ignore that I can see the negativity. We are both adults. We both have to do things we don't feel like doing. In the long run, it has been better to accept a little irritation. The other option is that I do everything and feel resentful. Likewise, he needs to be able to say what he wants and needs without always worrying about whether it will cause me to get my feathers ruffled. We both hate even a hint of conflict. But good marriages aren't built on fear.
3. "Least said, soonest mended." If we have conflict, I try to keep the discussion limited to the subject at hand. It never helps to spiral into other issues, even if those issues are legitimate problems that may eventually need to be addressed.
4. I am a total hypocrite, and despite the above, I do tons of housework that in all fairness should be more evenly distributed. This is more the case with the children then with DH. DH is actually pretty awesome. But I end up just doing things rather then having tension with my kids. Your kids are young. Don't do what I did! Keep training them. You will be glad some day. I fear my future DILs will hate me because I have let my kids get away with being slobs. They are practically perfect in all other ways, though.
DH's mother demanded a lot. Her rule was that if she was on her feet working, no one else needed to be sitting down. I am grateful to her, and DH adores her. So I guess I should have been stricter with my own kid. So while I agree with those who say not to sweat the small stuff, I think you are smart to be training them well. 25 years of handling everyone's 'small stuff' is a heck of a lot of work!
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My DH was a single father of a preschooler while he was active duty.
It was not easy, of course. While his son was in full time preschool, DH also had to have 'on standby' back up care for the random 6:00 a.m. PT, unexpected duty, safety meeting etc. DS spent more time in 'other care' than most people would ever choose, and I think the most stressful times were when DS was sick. Many single parents face these challenges, but I do think the military presents special challenges, even though DH's job was pretty reasonable.
It might be great, and it might not be. Part of it would depend on the preschool and other caregivers. Has DH had time to gather facts and interview people who would provide care at other times? Free preschool in only great if it is first rate quality. Would DH be okay taking time off for chicken pox, flu, or bad head colds? People do manage that while working, but it's just something to think about and weigh. Its not a man/woman thing in my mind. I guess I just am concerned about how hard beind being a single parent is, and how your DH might naturally have to plan, adjust, make lifestyle changes, etc. I would be concerned that if there were problems, his unit light not give him the flexibility he would need.
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I hated Beth. Every time she started singing I would hope she would be the next major character to die! I would feel sorry saying so if she weren't fiction.
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