Danestress
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Posts posted by Danestress
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The person who cares less always has more power around the issue. I have seen this many times, and I honestly believe that women often end up doing more than what seems 'fair' because they care more about that thing being done. Maybe they care more because they are home more or because they believe that the state of the home reflects on their competence and worth, or because they need things a certain way to feel relaxed. But often the truth is that woman simply notice and care more that the house be tidy, the dishes be done, the carpet be vacuumed, the beds be made.
While I know marriages in which that is not at all the case, I also know that I can't abide an unmade bed, a sink full of dishes, or a weeks worth of scum on the shower doors. DH really doesn't care as much. So I do more house work, and that really is my choice. I have different standards than he has, and I know his standards are legitimate. It would not be fair for me to insist he adopt my standards. But I want things tidy, so I do the extra work.
On the other hand, I cultivate not caring about other things. I like good food, but I will not choose to cook big meals AND clean them up. I cook, he cleans. He has sometimes tried to abandon dish duty. When he does, I quickly respond by choosing to have cereal or sandwiches for dinner. Honestly, cereal for dinner is absolutely fine with me. I cook more for DH and the boys. But they are aware than cooking is not a choice I will make if dishes follow. So there is power for me in not caring about square meals. I can eat a banana and call it 'dinner' if the other option is to cook a big meal and clean up too.
I don't care that much if his clothes are washed and ironed. I do those things, but I get lazy if I feel resentful about the housework. If he started acting like an entitled ass, I am capable of cultivating a 'not care' attitude about that. I care about the lawn being mowed, but I work to be patient. I decided a long time ago to cope with the frustration of the grass getting too long rather that (1) nag him to do it or (2) do it myself.
So I guess I feel ok about doing more house work as long as I create boundaries around the things that are his job - evening dishes, grass mowing, some carpooling etc.
With the paper work, I guess I would ask myself whether I can live with the consequences of him not doing it, and whether he can. With the room and clothes, I would wonder whether one person simply doesn't care as much about getting that room cleaned. If he is happy to have if be a junk room and I wanted to clean if out, I might just help him sort those clothes.
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I think you do what you think is best for each child without apology or ego or even a thought about what others will say or how you will explain yourself. You do what you think is best for each child, year by year.
Being a homeschoolers is part of your identity, but if you put your kids in school, you have to just reframe that identity. You are still an education oriented Mom who strives to meet the individual needs of her children. And at a certain point, letting your children make choices can be part of that. If your 4th grader wants to go to school that much, and you aren't strongly opposed, maybe letting him try is an opportunity to start letting him have some freedom to make choices.
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I am still thinking about it.
I thought it was interesting how Stan told Peggy that work is not everything, which she needed to hear. But them we could see them happy with her obviously still quit motivated by work. He didn't want her to work with Joan, but also didn't say so directly.
And Joan's new love clearly had the attitude that her work is nothing - that she should just be with him partying if they can afford it. Even though she looked stricken when he left, we also saw her appear happy working in her new business.
For me, it seemed like a picture of women figuring out how to be working people - that it isn't everything, but it shouldn't have to be 'nothing' in order to have a man. It was nice to see Peggy with someone who respected that reality of her life. And I choose to believe Joan will be just fine.
I also felt towards the final episodes, that while Joan's sexuality had been a professional tool for her, she was operating more out of relationships of friendship, loyalty, and respect in the end. She ended up seeming like a particularly beloved coworker.
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For me, it's because I know I could quite likely live 30 years beyond the age DH would normally retire. Medical expenses are so high, and I think we have higher expectations. I want to be able to see my grand kids, even if it means flying cross country. I want to be able to pay for help when I am old rather than expecting my working, parenting children to care for me. I want us to be self supporting until we die.I'm still sort of surprised that so many people do (think they) have to work for financial reasons. My grandmothers never worked after they got married. I'm pretty sure all the generations of women before them didn't work after getting married either. Why are things different now?
Yeah, I could die in my sleep tonight, but I could also live past 100. I don't want DH to work until he is 80, but of we *both* work for the next 20 years, we can retire at 75 and 68, and hopefully have enough to live for 20 or more years.
I have seen both my mother and Mil become caregivers of their declining husband. That alone was so expensive. In that situation, I want paid help. I have seen what Medicare and supplemental insurance does and does not cover, and I want to be prepared for those extraordinary expenses. I want that for myself and for my kids. I don't want them to have to be caring for me when they have their own jobs and famiies. I invested many years full time into their educations and their wellbeing. I am happy to work for the next 20 if it will reduce the chances that they will have to provide for me financially or provide daily care for me.
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I hated The Red Tent, but I didn't finish it so I didn't count it here. Everything was so overly sexualized. When they started in on Jacob having his way with the sheep I gave up. It felt really disrespectful to a story that could have been powerful. Maybe it redeemed itself - I only got through one chapter.
I despised it too and couldn't get through more than 100 pages. I felt so sorry that this poor girl was stuck in a tent listening to women's menstrual and birthing woes. And then I realized, 'she is stuck, but I am free! I don't have to listen to or read about other women's bodily processes. So yeah! I can put this down and stop reading.' And I did!
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The two that come to mind were from high school: Silas Marner and All the Pretty Horses. I've no clue what I'd think about them today.
Every page of All The Pretty Horses was a mixed thing for me - the joy of reading it, and the pain of knowing I could never read it again for the first time.
It's so interesting to me how books I absolutely love (Anna Karenina, Watership Down, All the Pretty Horses) are so despised by others!
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I personally would take note and talk to my child about the issues, but I would not quit or threaten to do so unless the conduct was dangerous, abusive, or clearly cheating. I tell my kids that they can deal with and grow from these experiences, that coaches and teachers who disappoint us are ways to learn empathy and to think about who THEY want to be as adults. I think teaching kids to 'cope' with problems is so important.
I would not like it and don't approve, but I also don't want my kids to think we just quit things when we don't like them. If I was disgusted with the coach, I would still want my child to stick through it for the season and encourage the other kids on the team, as long as the coach were not behaving in a way that damaged my child (like berating, demeaning, cheating, etc). I won't pretend that things are good when I don't think so, but I think quitting on a team is a big deal, and something I would only do when it were truly necessary for my child's well-being.
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The Other Boleyn Girl.
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Yes, I have started working, even though I don't need to. In truth, "need" is relative, I guess. For me, it's the opposite of the normal scenario. I like being home alone. I like cleaning and gardening and reading. I don't need to be "out" doing things or mixing with others.
But working forces me to do things i don't want to do, learn things that feel "too hard," make my brain focus, force me to push my self. It also helps me appreciate how hard my husband's days are. I feel like we have much more in common now.
After I was done schooling, I really had no plan to work. But when the right thing came up, I agreed to do it temporarily. I am stressed at times, the pay is terrible (but I can change that over time) and I question the decision. But I also have reconnected with my old self who was smarter, savvier, more focused, etc. I had sort of gotten into a rut where I no longer believed I was capable of doing mentally difficult work. I feel much better about my self now. I am still young, and while I would love to be home keeping house more days, I feel better about myself when I am growing and pushing myself I am not the kind of woman who is going to be an uber-volunteer. I do and did have volunteer activities, but nothing like a job, and if I am going to have something like a job, I do want to get paid for it. When it comes down to it, I like being home and being on my own schedule and in my own head, so I kept volunteer activities in check. Working makes me do what I don't "feel" like doing, and in a big picture sense, I think I am a better person when I am working. But having said that, I don't AT ALL think this is true of everyone or nonpaid work is less worthy than other work. I also acknowledge that my work is interesting, variable and challenging. I would feel differently altogether if I were doing something repetitive and boring.
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No, you waited half an hour to start what you were going to do with DH. That doesn't seem bad at all to me. If I let things like that "hurt" me, I would be a walking wound, not because DH is inconsiderate or hurtful, but because his profession is a bit demanding at times. I have limits and I know how to express them, but a half hour call doesn't seem like a big deal to me, and if DH wants to get it done before hanging out, that is OK most of the time. If we had plans to go somewhere or do something time sensitive, I would feel differently. But just to watch a movie? Not a big deal. And i am not sure what communication he really could have given. He told you he was going to call. I would be SUPER annoyed if someone started texting me when they knew I was on the phone.
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Oh please. Nice attempt at trying to create a 'war' when none exists.
My rapidly aging hair is not a statement. Maybe she thinks it is, but she has no idea. Reactive to dyes? Too busy for touching up roots? Trying to reduce expenses? Feeling solidarity with my late great white- haired grandfather? And I don't think dying ones hair really makes a statement other than, I guess, "for now, I choose to dye my hair."
I am pretty grey at 48. I don't care, and I seriously doubt anyone else does either. In my experience, 99% of people are mostly interested in their own live, choices, and opinion. During the year I was growing it out, a few friends made comments - mostly about how I could do high/low lights to blend it as it grew. But they weren't making political or feminist statement. They were just saying, "Wow, you have two inches of grey and six of brown." But they don't really truly care. Why should they?
Maybe I am in la la land, but I dont think most peole care.
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There is no 'right' way to divide work and home responsibilities. But in your case, I think I would be afraid to quit my job. I would worry that your DH is barely supporting you now, so what if his health gets worse? Part of me would want to work on my own ability to support the family.
My instinct is to say that it doesn't require heavy lifting to get kids the age of yours to bed. I would make it their responsibility, but would expect him to enforce it. I don't think someone able to perform basic life functions and even hold a job would be totally unable to do that.
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As the guest I would probably send the parent being thanked and the other would stay home with the kids. I would not want to pay for a sitter to attend (as the non-honoree), and I would not want to take my children and inconvenience you. If we were both being thanked, I would send whichever of us was truly most engaged in the graduate's life.
My guess is that this is what will happen. But of they being the kids, being accommodating and good natured about it is probably a great way to say 'thank you.'
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So beautiful! I love her dress, her hair, everything!
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I have two methods.
1. Ignore. And my front doors are glass, so sometimes they see ignoring and can also see my big dog NOT ignoring.
Or
2. Answer the door just thank them but tell them it is a no soliciting neighborhood. I am gathering the resolve to add that if they didn't see that sign in the neighborhood, now they know, so I don't want to see them at a neighbors door when they leave mine.
I am really a pretty friendly person, but I find it threatening to have strangers at my door, and I feel my home should not be someone else's marketing opportunity.
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I drink coffee black. No one in my family uses milk/cream/sugar.
I put milk in black tea - for some reason, tea makes my stomach upset without the milk. I add a bit of sugar too. I prefer whole or 2% milk. Cream is too rich, skim milk is too thin.
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Some of these have bad language ... But I loved them.
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I am not sure the elements of embezzlement are there. If it was a crime, I don't believe embezzlement would be the proper charge, but I don't have all the facts (and unless there are some private PM providing additional info, none of us do). Embezzlement is a specific crime with specific statutory requirements of proof.if she was diverting money from the business to private use, and then not fulfilling business obligations; filing for bankruptcy won't save her. it could still fall under embezzlement.
Op could report a crime, but I am pretty skeptical she will achieve much. she could 'lawyer up' but if sounds like her financial damages are $400, which is not worth the legal fees she would incurr, unless she is well off enough to do it on principal, understanding that she will pay more than she will recover. She could file in small claims, but getting a judgment is easy - collecting is a tougher problem.
Practically speaking, no court can give her what she wants - a recital with proper costumes where these poor girls and show what they are capable of.
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My guess is that she is going to file banktupcy. I am not sure the police can really help you with this. My advice is to find a new studio right way before everyone else starts looking and the spaces are full.
The girls must be very disappointed, and that is sad. But there may not be a good legal balm apart from trying to recoup some of the money.
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I would never say anything. Smart people assume everyone has dog poop on their hands. Shake, make nice, wash hands before dinner. Shaker beware, but not the hostesses job to supervise this.
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I understand why you feel you can't move, and if you (and your daughters) are safe, staying might be best. I think you should do what you can, even if it is small things, to get yourself into a better position for the future. Your financial problems may feel overwhelming, but if you can take small steps to improve them, then at worst, they will be a little better a year from now.
Look at it this way. Right now, you have a free place to live for yourself and your two daughters. With a free place to live, you can think about how to save a little money. It seems to me that the cars are your biggest problem. The amount you pay for the loan and for leasing is entirely outrageous for someone at your income level. It would be too much at double your income level. As hard as it is, I think you need to lower those costs. Trade in for a cheaper car, get rid of one car .... something. If you downsize the types or number of cars, it will lower your insurance and property taxes too. You could commit to saving that money, and a year from now, you could be a few thousand dollars better off than you are now. And/Or, you could insist your daughter pay her own insurance and/or part of the car payment. Let that just be her responsibility so that she knows that some months she won't make much because of school commitments, she can plan accordingly.
You situation sounds so hard. But really, I am sure your parents' situation is hard too - medical problems and dementia, having three people take up residence (even if it is necessary and in their best interests so you can care for them, it's still hard for them). Getting old is hard and caring for elderly parents is hard too, so everyone is probably struggling through this. I do think your siblings should be helping more. But your brother is correct that his wife's inherited money is not his to spend. I think you should figure out what your parent's financial needs are and ask for specific help, if they need that. So if they can't pay for a medication, for a doctor's visit, etc, ask for that.
As far as the cooking goes, there are two 90 year olds and three younger people in the house. I think most people would expect they younger people to do the planning and shopping so that they could cook simple things, even if they don't want to eat it together as a family. Of course, there are very sprightly 90 year old (I had a friend who played tennis every day through his late 80s). But eventually, it's inevitable that they will need help with this, so if you are living there, you are probably going to do it. I would not engage with your Dad, though, over whether he likes what you make. Just provide it and move on.
XXXOOO I really feel for you. Your situation sounds dreadful.
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Younger until I was mid thirties. Now they think I am older (evidenced by things like being offered a senior discount several times lately, in my 40s!). I think it is because of the grey hair, and also being on the thin side. I don't care really. I enjoy the many benefits of looking older.
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It's intereting that you say that. Laws on privileged communications with clergymen vary by state, but I suggest you have someone look very closely into the laws where you live. The presence of the clergyman's wife (or other third pary) has been held to destroy the legal priviledge, and forced clergymen to testify as to what his parishioner disclosed.I would have a big problem with this couple. When the pastor is married, you are not calling just the pastor; you are calling his family. Now, this does not mean that one should expect the pastor's wife to lead the Ladies Bible Study, or play the organ, or run the nursery. But she will be in a position to hear some things and join in counseling situations that need to be kept confidential. If she cannot be trusted in this regard, that's a huge red flag to me.
A church's leadership and lay prayer ministry need to understand how risky it is to allow a trusted lay person to be there to 'support' someone who is seeking confession/counseling from a pastor or to allow a clergy spouse or other 'helper' to be present. I realize it's not a typical thing, but it does happen, and most people don't think about that when they go discuss thngs with a clergyman 'in confidence.' I can tell you all the reasons it can be a good thing to have both people there (though not if either is a gossip), but it never feels good to be forced by a court to testify about crimes immoral behaviors. alcohol abuse, anger issues etc confided 'in confidence.'
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Accusations in the past against Josh Duggar? (warning: sensitive content)
in The Chat Board
Posted
It seems so sad to me that these parents went ahead with this show, knowing that they had a secret like this. Surely they knew that this would eventually come out. The national public attention the show has brought can only make these revelations that much more painful for the people involved. Why on earth did they do that?
They could have kept their lives private but they apparently wanted the attention or the money or the 'ministry opportunity' and now it is so much worse than it had to be.
I wonder if His wife and parents spent the last years lying awake in bed, agonizing about how this might come crashing down on them. I cant even let myself ponder how the victims are coping. So sad.