Danestress
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Posts posted by Danestress
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I really feel bad about my Plague Inc addiction. I have never been a gamer, but my DS got me the app, and we were addictively trying to create just the right plague to obliterate the human race. It was all fun until this broke out. And now I fee like the FBI is going to arrest me.
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Would your answer differ if you were a young mom, with little parenting experience?
Thanks!
No. In my experience, most Moms are pretty expert in their own babies after a couple weeks on the job, and experienced 'mothers of many' are still beginners with a baby they don't know.
I would not hand a baby to a stranger no matter how helpful she was trying to be and would not think my own youth or inexperience would make a difference.
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So what if he thought it was the wrong call? Reasonable people disagree. You called. Maybe he would not have. But whatever - you both make decisions everyday that the other might have decided differently, but busy people do not consult on everything. I would try not to take it personally because being married does not give people the same opinions and Instincts in every situation. If my husband were upset with my decision, that would upset me. But what your DH said sounds pretty mild. It doesn't sound like he was voicing a strong objection.
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I have only seen games once - the DJ orchestrated kind. I loathe the garter thing and bouquet toss at weddings and refused to do either, so I guess I am a stick in the mud. But I just hate being a guest and then forced to 'participate.'
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I mention this just to say that the approach to the form in not the same for all colleges and universities; some see the value in it and do not regard it as a heinous invasion of the students' privacy.
I am not sure what form you are talking about, but I know parents who have simply required that their children give them their online access information to see grade reports on the university website.
This seems reasonable to me, though I didn't do that with my son when he was in college. I do tend to think someone can set conditions on giving large sums of money, and wanting performance information seems like an ordinary condition to me.
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I think it's like porn - hard to define but most people think they know it when they see it.
The term, for me, brings to mind a parent who hovers over a younger kid - afraid to allow them to experience pain or disappointment. Or, I think of the parent who sooo badly needs to be part of a child's every experience that she can't let the child do things for herself - like the mother running up the soccer field yelling, 'KICK THE BALL HANNAH" over and over at the top if her lungs, and you can just feel how hard it is for her to not be able to go out and kick that ball for Hannah herself.
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One thing I heard in one of my interpersonal relationship classes that has always stuck in my memory is "The person who is LEAST committed to the relationship CONTROLS the relationship".
I have often heard that but don't really believe it. I think a lot of times the more detached person feels controlled in a different way - sometimes by guilt or social pressure. So one person may be incredibly 'in' to the relationship, and the other person feels like that energy is controlling - that he or she can't put up the breaks and boundaries he or she would like to, or can't express a desire for more space because of fear or guilt about hurting the other person.
I wonder if anyone ever feels in control of a relationship.
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I agree - go outside. Unless it is pouring rain and cold, it's always better to get kids outside and always better for my sanity.
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It is a bit of a risk. Some dogs end up not costing much until they get older. I have my dog on heart worm and flea tick medication. Other than that, (and food) my only expenses really have been vaccinations and boardng fees. He has been very healthy for 7 year. My prior dog also had no medical costs to speak of until she was an older girl. We spent about $800 the last month of her life - vet fees, meds, testing and sadly, euthanasia.
But you sort of need some basic financial slush just in case. You never know of a dog will have a problem that requires some expenses and you need to be able to handle that. It would not feel good to forego treatment for an eye infection, for example, because you can't afford the medicatin or vet visit.
My adult son has an adorable puppy, and has already had some big unexpected expenses - a skin problem, an eye problem. None of it is stuff you would put a dog down over or want to get rid of a dog over, but he has ready spent several hundred on this that he did not foresee. So I would not get a dog without some room financially.
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I think there are a lot of things that can make driving more dangerous, and we do constant cost/benefit analysis to decide if those things are worth the risk. And when we make those decisions, we are making decisions that affect other people.
Looking at a clock doesn't really increase risk much. To me, it seems worth the tiny risk. Having a passenger may increase the risk. But most people can justify having that passenger. I saw a report of a study that found that parents driving with kids were 12 times more distracted than people driving while using a cell phone. (Here, I found the news report http://abcnews.go.com/US/worst-driving-distractions-road-kids/story?id=18684711). I think there are ways we can reduce that risk - parents can learn what things to do to reduce distraction. But I can't see out-lawing driving with children. Smoking, changing the radio, listening to an audiobook, being in physical pain, drinking coffee, being tired, getting older, not having perfect vision, having a cold and sneezing .... All these things can present distractions (though a couple might also help us be paradoxically more alert). We each get to choose what is 'worth it' and then everyone else on the road has to live with it.
I personally don't see much benefit to reading a text while driving - even a short one. I don't think the possible benefit justifies the potential cost. I also kind of wish some mom's would pull over to deal with their children, and that people in a hurry would just get a grip. But I am not sure a law saying you can't drive with bickering kids in the car would be practical.
So on one hand, I don't think reading a text message is a good idea. But I do agree with SKL that it is not reasonable to say, "we should never ever do anything distracting because it only takes a split second." I think all of us regularly do small things to increase risk, and most people don't want to admit that, but it is true. I drive even when my seasonal allergies make a sneeze possible. I drink waster, adjust the a/c or radio, and have driven even when I was a bit tired.
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To be fair, can I just say that there seem to be quite a few books with a male protagonist with obvious abuse happening to him at the beginning of the book.
Makes me wonder if that is supposed to make it appeal to girls. If so, I'd find that appalling.
I am not sure which books you are referring to, or why abuse would appeal to girls. It seems just as likely to resonate with boy readers, but without specific examples, I can't really say. I could imagine abuse as being something that is part of a male character development from feeling powerless to finding courage and power, but that probably would appeal to either gender.
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I am so so sorry Dory. That is just so sad.
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Yeah. I would be interested in knowing if anyone has ever faced criminal charges for having a phone receive a text that they never looked at or even knew came in. Sea hard to enforce and unnecessary.No way would I remember that. My phone stays in my purse while I drive so I might hear a 'ding' but that's it. Usually I have music on or I'm talking to someone in the car and don't even know a text came in. But no way am I going to remember to turn on an 'I'm driving' setting. Do you really remember to do that every time you get behind the wheel? I'm impressed.
I'm just shocked that the law would prohibit a text even coming in to a phone while driving. That sounds really hard to police.
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This is such an interesting subject. I just finished a spy novel (something I don't read a lot of, but my book club was reading it). The female undercover agent absolutely became an agent according to these patterns. She definitely was trapped and friendless and had no way out. The male agents? They were Agents because..... they wanted to be. No need for a huge back story! I hadn't really thought about it.
And interestingly, I read online about US undercover agents, and 40% of them are female. I had no idea. Of course,maybe the CiA planted that false information to throw people off the track;)
This has been such a great discussion, and I enjoy reading everyone's perspective.
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But in another example, he once wrote to a famous composer to ask him to explain the meaning behind a particular composition. The composer said, "Why don't you ask Professor Smith over at XYZ University because he knows better than I do what I meant." (I used Smith and XYZ because I don't recall the exact names, but you get the idea.)
Was he being sarcastic? Because that is totally hilarious and your husband should give that to the composer's biographer someday! I love it:)
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It has been widely reported that women initiate 2/3 of divorces in middle age, and that women report being happier post divorce than they were before, while men do not.
I think women's incentives for staying married are diluted sometimes in middle age. Often the couple has enough financial security that a woman thinks she will be OK with half the assets. She is no longer as concerned about how divorce will effect the children, now that they are older. She feels more "up" for the challenge of changing her life, getting a job if necessary, and being on her own. On the other hand, most of us, for religious or social reasons or because we want to honor our vows, do believe that staying married is better than divorcing.
So I wonder if as couples reach middle age, it wouldn't be wise for women to do a honest inventory of why they want to be be married to their spouses, and if they want to remain married, to figure out how to start focusing on their own happiness, health, contentment and goals. Since the unhappiness of women appears to be more of the issue that starts divorces, I would think that often women would do well to adjust their behaviors. Instead of trying to always keep the peace, keep their man happy, and avoid doing anything to rock the boat, I wonder if women wouldn't do better to work on figuring out how to be happy themselves, while obviously still caring about her husband's happiness.
It seems to me that an annoyed woman watching her husband flip channels at night might do better to just say, "I am not going to do this anymore." It's not good for her or her husband or her marriage for her to sit there stewing. Obviously there are times we make compromises. We move where we don't want for a spouse's career, welcome inlaws we don't really care for, eat Chinese when we wanted Italian, or watch Kung Fu when we wanted to read. And I think most men make those kinds of compromises too. But I also think sometimes we have to choose ourselves and our spouses adjust, especially as the demands of young children aren't there. I don't have any easy solution that would work for everyone, but I just thought I would point out that a woman who constantly swallows her own thoughts, desires, goals, and preferences "for the sake of the marriage" might actually be putting that marriage at greater risk than a woman who figures out how to enjoy this period, accomplish things that matter to her, and create some energy and excitement in her own life.
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I think it is a fun idea to read a novel with genders changed, and I doubt it will confuse this child in any way. I lived inside Watership Down with obsessive intensity for a season in life and tried hard to make everyone call me 'Hazel." I knew I wasn't a rabbit. And I knew Hazel wasn't a girl.
I think Men have been permitted more freedom of adventure and danger traditionally, and those who took advantage of their freedom had more interesting experiences, if you consider 'action' and adventure more interesting than a rich inner life (as most kids do). I absolutely thought boys/men had more interesting and important lives when I was a girl. It made me angsty. I knew it was not because males were inherently more interesting but because they were permitted more freedom and also required to take risks. I simply didn't buy what my mother tried to sell me - that romance was interesting, that domestic life was interesting, that we kids were her grand adventure. That made for boring reading as a kid.
Anyone could see that it was almost always boys who stowed away on ships, got caught up with pirates, went off to war, warded off bandits, fought Indians (or fought white guys), and went on covert missions. There were exceptions of course - Narnia for one. And I loved those books, but they were fantasy. In my mind, boys and were more likely to do things worth reading about in real life or in literature fixed in the real, non magical, world.
The kind of stories that interested me as a child were mostly adventure stories and they mostly featured boys. And boys seemed more interesting because they did more interesting things. You could write a book with a girl doing these things, but I knew mostly it would really have been boys and men. I don't think biology is destiny, but I do think it impacts women's options and choices even now. And I also have learned to like literature that is not so action based. The range of thngs that seem interesting to me has expanded so that women's experiences actually are more interesting. But I still think a kid prone to action and adventure books has to deal with the reality that until recently, it was simply far more likely that a male would go on a journey of physical risk, challenge, and discovery.
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Just thank you for bringing up that men have their own issues. Dh is sort of becoming a grumpy old man (he is 54). I feel fine and he finds that irritating. How come no one talks about that?
I actually think someone mentioned this earlier in the thread. ETA: Actually, the OP brought it up in the first post! Has your husband discussed this with his doctor? Sometimes there really are physical reasons for men to experience problems with mood at this age.
I think we are talking about women's issues because most of us are women, and because we aren't really supposed to be talking about our husbands in negative ways according to board rules. So I think if we opened a thread about, "My husband is really being difficult and why might that be?" there is a good chance that some posters would start criticizing him and it would just turn into a problem thread. But hopefully if you are the one that wants to talk about it, we can do that in an acceptable way. Other than low testosterone, I am not sure what possible physiological reasons would be, but I know there are some!
If he is the one that wants to talk about it, I imagine that he could find some kind of health board to ask questions on, but I do think it is harder sometimes for men to talk about personal things like this with other men IRL.
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I am not a huge fan of frozen meals. I don't find that it takes that long to saute fresh meat (chicken, fish) with a sauce or seasoning and steam some vegetables. But I have found that freezing Individual portions can keep my sons happy - they do eat a lot and like hefty meals.
I use muffin tins. I have regular sized ones and also the big 'Texas' sized ones. I will bake individual meat loaves and let them cool and then freeze the pan. Once frozen, I pop them into double ziplock freezer bags and have them on hand to microwave. I do the same with meat sauce for pasta, chicken chili, etc. I also freeze meat in marinade. I cook breakfast sausage with onions and peppers and freeze this way so that I can make breakfast burritoes.
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Laura, I wonder if your mom desires not only to be independent but also not to be a burden to you?
Perhaps she doesn't really see how much of a burden you fear it will be if she lives 2 hours away and has a series of illnesses. Maybe you need to be really honest about how worried you are not just for her, but for yourself. You have a job. Your kids will continue to need you for several years. Your husband and you yourself will have your own health issues. Your brother probably also has a job and family obligations. You can't just spend weeks here and there with her when she is in and out of the hospital or needs care - people with jobs can't just take off for every crisis.
Most mothers want what is best for their children. Perhaps she needs to hear from you that you think it would best *for you* if she lived near you so you could offer care and assistance without losing your job, your sanity, or your own life. I have both my Mom and MIL in town, and have still had times when I was overwhelmed. A parent in rehab after a broken hip can need weeks and weeks of care. Even in a fascility where care is provided, most of us think daily family visits, checking in on staff, assuring proper treatment, comforting a scared parent or one in pain, etc are obligatory. If she knew that you wanted her, that you were very anxious for your own benefit and that of your kids that she move, perhaps she would move. Perhaps in her own mind, if she believed she was doing it for you, it would be easier.
My MIL moved here for us. It was not easy. But she had been forced to move cross country to care for her own mother who was too frail at that point to move. My MIL had six miserable years caring for her mother, who was half blind and deaf, very frail, and totally insensitive to the toll this took on her daughter - who was in her seventies herself. She was resolved to not do that to us. It has been better for her too, of course. I can't imagine how she would have managed this last year if we were not in town.
I know every situation is different. But since she admits to loving your house and garden, I wonder if maybe the winning argument would be the one that lets her feel she can move to make your own life easier.
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I honestly wonder what message you are sending here. Your daughter does not need anyone's understanding, permission, acceptance or resignation for her to talk to, hang out with, or play games with whatever boys or girls she chooses. I not sure I would would want her to care how either boy feels about the other being included.Boy B knows that DD chats with boy A, but I am not sure the reverse is true. I was hoping to see boy A today so we could bring him up to speed about allowing another guy onto the server, but he was not where we normally see him. The message of no dating has been very clearly laid out for boy B as he was expressing more interest then DD comfortable with. I'm pretty sure we will be having the "but moooom.... I'm 14 and I really want to date" argument about boy A sooner rather than later.
I always want my kids to be sensitive to how others feel, and to try to include kids in activities. Dating is generally an exclusive thing, but friendship doesn't have to be. She can be friends with lots of people at once, and even if she were dating one boy, I would not expect her to have (or pretend to have) no other guys that are friends.
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Laura, would it be possible to find a suitable cottage for your mother before she moves? The way you describe her, I wonder if it would produce a lot of anger and anxiety for her to move into your home and take her chances that you will find a place for her where she will be happy. She would have to put her own things in storage and make two moves, which also seems like a lot of insecurity for her.
When we moved my grandmother, and she was quite reluctant, we had already found a place for her on my aunt's street. She knew how her furniture would fit in, that her rugs would work in the sitting room, etc, and all of these things were very important to her. Her "things" were part of her identity, and even when she was old and frail, she just insisted on having them.
I also think it is worth talking to people and figuring out whether paying for care might be easier and less disruptive for your mother. Could she remain in her home if she had a few hours a day of housekeeping, cooking, and help with bathing? Does the state provide any assistance to seniors living in their homes? I know it is hard to predict these things, but sometimes it is easier for an adult child to have a parent nearby, and honestly, sometimes it can be very difficult. If she would be happier in her own home with a little semi-professional care, it might be best, assuming you could still go down every couple of weeks and make sure things are going well. Even if you had to pay out of pocket for some care, if you expect her to be able to sell the home later, perhaps you could work out an legal arrangement with your brother where one of you pays for some care, with the agreement that any bequests will be used to pay yourselves back.
If you are determined that she moved, I would consider whether to go the route where you speak to a legal specialist and go through a proceeding to be appointed guardian (which is hard here when the person is mentally able, though your laws may differ) or whether to have someone she loves and trusts intervene with her - perhaps a trusted clergy person, family member closer to her age, etc.
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Can you heat water? I find that warm wet soaks make bites itch intensely for a few minutes and then I get hours of relief. But I let the warmth stay for at least five minutes or so and do it as hot as I can stand. This may seem fussy when camping, but I do think it helps, and imagine you could use am extra towel to wet and wrap if he will tolerate it.
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This must be some kind of trick question. Coffee IS breakfast, right? I drink black coffee and generally don't want anything else until maybe 'brunch' time - like. 10:30 or 11:00.
Sunscreen
in The Chat Board
Posted
As a newcomer reader (to this thread), I think it is because the posters are not arguing about sunscreen. They are arguing about what kind of information, and how much of it, is necessary in order to have a ' valid' opinion about the risks of an activity (being in the sun) and the products marketed for protection (in this case, physical or chemical screens).
And while individual experience is of some importance for short term effects (a person who reacts to gluten or a particular ingredient in sunscreen), it is trickier with something like skin cancer from sun exposure or the health risks of products designed to prevent it.