Danestress
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Posts posted by Danestress
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I am sure you will be great guests. Don't think of it in dollar terms - ie how much she saved you. No hostess wants her efforts to be weighed in that light.
Eat what she cooks, clean up after yourselves, keep the noise level down, and show genuine affection and interest in her life. Pay for your activities and take her a nice gift from your home state. Write the mother of all thank you notes and have your children do the same. I think that is sufficient.
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I think the OP really wants to mend and renew her relationship with her younger daughter - not to prove a point at the expense of that relationship. I can't see how such a demand would achieve her goal. It's not about who contributed what to whom. It's about lifting a veil so her younger daughter can see truth in the face of malicious slander - Anne's kindness, generosity and integrity won't be 'proved' by such a ploy. Her younger daughter is a victim here too - as siblings often are in situations like this. She needs her mother to be kind, patient, and generous in spirit more than she needs to be punished for being swayed by what a malcontent sibling has convinced her to believe.Not sure if you even want advice, but if so:
1. Avoid older stepdaughter as much as possible; keep away from younger DD.
2. Ask DD if she really believes what her sister has told her. If she truly believes you are not generous, demand that she donate the same percentage of her income to charity as you do, for one year.
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Apparently she can be properly referred to as Princess William of Wales but not as Princess Catherine. So confusing.
Presidents are properly referred to as "President Obama" upon first reference in a news article, but then as just Obama after that. This has been the norm for through many presidencies and is not a sign of disrespect.
People with doctorates may use 'Dr" professionally, especially in a time when many professors are not holders of doctorates. Socially they are generally referred to as Mr or Mrs/Miss/Ms unless they have pitched a fit and their friends and famy members have decided to humor them. I have many friends with doctorates and none of them call themselves 'doctor.' I do know people who do, though, and I will certainly call them "doctor" if I know they prefer that. My eye rolling is internal.
The naming thing that bothers me is when men are called by their last names and women by their first names. That annoys me. I watch a lot of tennis, and I notice a strong tendancy of commentators referring to male players by their last names but using first names for the females.
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I think a food books is great company, so I would take some along. If there is some shared time swimming, eating meals, playing games etc, then it seems normal to me that there is also unstructured time when the readers reader, the texters text, the golfers golf, etc. Think about it this way - if you took just your immediate family to a cabin, what would your daughter do with her time? Whatever that is is what she should do if she is bored or lonely on this trip. Read a book, take a walk, do somethig fun with Mom, knit - whatever. I would expect the other kids to do their normal things too - including their normal electronic use.
I also think that it's good to teach teenagers to find what they do have uncommon with others, or at least learn how to talk to them about their lives.- so you might want to talk to her about how to get her cousins talking. Most people love talking about themselves, so if she asks about their school lives, their hobbies, their plans for the future, there will probably be plenty to talk about. I expect my sons to be able to find things to talk about with their grandmothers, young children etc. In fact, you might want to get a book or card set with questions designed to do that very thing. My son bought a 'chat pack' for his grandmother, and whenever they were in the car, they would pull a card and answer the question (like, "Who did you most admire as a child?' or 'What was your best vacation ever?" This might be good for the dinner table on a trip like this.
Finally, one of the best pieces of advice I have been given is that 'no one can resist being adored.' If she shows interest in her cousins, shows affection and admiration and curiousity, they will probably enjoy her company.
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I like being outdoors but I am lazy. I like just being outdoors - weeding a garden, taking a walk, drinking my wine on the patio. When I think of 'outdoorsy' women, I think of a more emergetic person than myself.
But I do consider the outdoors therapeutic. I think I am happier when I am outside more - I think sunlight in the eyes is good - though I am a disciplined sunscreen user. I always got my children outside daily. Even if it were raining, I got boots on them and took them puddle jumping. I am convinced children absolutely need a lot of outdoor time, and the Extra work was worth it - they were calmer and happier for having had their time outside.
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What a terrible situation. Would your husband be able to talk to either girl in a way that would make a difference?
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I have twin boys who are 16. They are, honestly, the best of boys. They have given us no trouble and have delighted us daily.
Last night we took them out to dinner to celebrate the end of their sophomore year, and all their hard work and good grades. I told my husband later that taking them out to dinner feels a lot like how it felt to be madly in love with a man who wants to break up with you but doesn't know how, because he is a good, kind person and there hasn't been any kind of argument or problem. Do you know what I mean? You want so badly to recreate those early days when he was madly in love with you, but he just isn't any more. And you aren't going to make it easy for him to say so, but you already know.
These kids are so over being in high school. They are thinking about their futures, and their lives away from us, and that is as it probably should be. Being a mother means equipping people to get by without you. But honestly, I am not sure I have equipped myself to live without them! I have a great husband, a degree I could use, my mother and MIL to care for. I can build a life for myself with an empty nest, but I still feel sad about the prospect. I have an older son who is married and lives in town, and when he left, I cried (pretty often) but I did have little guys still to look after. When my twins leave, it's going to leave a huge hole!
Right now, I don't have much on a daily or weekly basis that doesn't revolve around them. I need to get my act together, maybe find part time work, start working out more, or volunteering in a more significant capacity. It will make the transition easier for all of us, if I do.
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I don't blame you at all. I would be furious too. Basically, she decided that her judgment as to what is best for your daughter trumps yours.
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What is the best/most efficient thing to do when the outdoor temperature at night is about what you A/C is set to?
Example, day time temperatures are 88 degrees. You keep the AC at 77 degrees during the day and are comfortable. If the night were going to stay hot, you would turn the a/c to 75, because you sleep better when it is cooler.
However, when the temperature is actually going to be 74 or 75 degrees that night, what do you do? The A/C isn't really kicking in much, and the house feels hot. If you open the window, you get fresh air, but also humidity. Neither option seems really comfortable.
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I tend to think that one really scary possibility is that when the court looks into what is "best" for the children, there might be one family that seems "best" for both. So if Child A's mom (currently raising her) is a good mom, very attached to the child, financially stable and with a great social network, if might be best for Baby A to stay with her. But then if Baby B's mother (that raised her) is unemployed, less stable, maybe has some history of emotional problem or drinking, is estranged from her extended family etc, it might be "best" for Baby B to go to her more stable biological mother. Maybe it won't end up being a question of, 'What do we do in this kind of situation that is fair to the mothers?" Maybe it will end up being, "What would be best for Baby A?" and then, "What will be best for Baby B?" That could leave one mother with both babies, which seems so awful, but the whole thing is awful.
Obviously I am not getting these facts from the news - I am just imaging a "what if?"
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I'd want to keep the child I'd raised, AND I'd want my biological child back. Not fair, I know....
Well, that is what happened in that case in South Africa. It was with boys. The mothers agreed to keep the children they were raising. But when the boys were teens, one really wanted to live with his bio mom and family. So one mom ended up with a win/win and one with a lose/lose. So hard. I can't imagine.
I really don't know what I would do - because of course I would want both.
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I am glad the funeral was encouraging. I absolutely dreaded my father's visitation. I didn't know if I could deal with people. But it meant a lot to see people there, and I still remember all the people who made the effort on a cold icy day when everyone would want to stay home. (((Luanne))))
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That's hilarious! Yes, that'd be the problem right there. :)
I don't think you can hire a Sherpa to carry your "stuff" on hiking trips in the Appalachian. Although, honestly, that would make a great job for a certain type of strong young person. Not me, though.
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I prefer pants because I'm highly allergic to poison ivy and it is every where here, I always seem to break out even if I'm careful.
That is a good point. I am terribly allergic to it too. I am glad you mentioned that. I will add some of that "post exposure" wash to my supplies for the cabin. It's not a panacea, but it does help. I am probably taking my dog too, and for some reason, the poison ivy thing didn't occur to me, and as bad as I have had it in the past (which is very bad, a couple of times) I don't think I have ever gotten it on a back packing trip, which is probably why I didn't think about it.
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I wear capris. Lightweight but sturdy khaki type. I feel like they give me enough coverage for comfort, but not too hot.
Good shoes. I wear barefoot shoes for hiking. Lightweight, breathable, flexible, or so comfy. My kids wear regular athletic shoes with socks. We have worn hiking/athletic sandals, but I find them less comfortable. I've never had good quality ones, though. I'm sure that makes a difference.
A tank top. Something slim but not tight, in a breathable fabric. Cotton or coolmax.
For an all-day hike, you NEED a small pack with water. And a little hiking fuel. Nuts, fruit, an energy bar, jerky. If you run out of fuel, you will be useless and miserable.
An emergency poncho is a good idea to keep in your pack as well. Just in case. I don't mind getting wet, but moving through a downpour isn't fun.
Yes, definitely, sorry if I wasn't clear. We will carry water and other things necessary for a day hike. In fact, we might even a day or two with a hike in the morning and another in the afternoon, and therefore be able to leave lunch in the car. But I have only really picked out one "must do" hike, which is the long one - on her birthday. It will either be a great birthday or a terrible one, lol. Thanks for suggesting the capris - I will take a look at those.
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I've hiked the smokies and shorts are always fine. The trails are easy to navigate and I don't think you will have any problem in shorts. I would be miserable in pants, this isn't a thicket or untraveled territory! Teva's or water type sandals are sooooooooo important! If you don't have them, your boots will be soaking wet and they don't dry over night because of the humidity. Then you will be miserable hiking in soggy boots and will have tons of blisters. Ask me how I know! ;) yes, you need new boots from REI. How are you getting away with not carrying a pack? That'd be awesome!
I will carry a day pack, but we are not back packing. I guess in my mind, I have been thinking, "How hard can this possibly be without having to carry a 35 pound back pack?" But of course, the day pack will probably feel like 35 pounds after a long day on the trail.
I rented us a cabin on VRBO that is near some of the trailheads for the Joyce Kilmer-Slickrock and Citico Creek wilderness areas, so we are not tied to any particular route and can have a place to shower and sleep. She is flying here, so it just seemed easier than trying to organize a camping/backpacking ordeal.
ETA Ah, I see the confusion. It's an "eats shoots, leaves" thing. I said "four or five day hikes." What I meant was that we will be up there at a cabin four nights and will hike each day. So, four or five "day hikes." lol.
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I am planning a hiking trip with a friend. We are going to do four or five day hikes which will be full days on the trail - one is 13 miles and will include a number of river crossings. This will be in the Smokeys in July - so probably hot but possibly not miserably hot.
I was reading my trail guide last night, and the author said something about not wearing shorts because on the wilderness trails, treadways are narrow and shorts do not provide adequate protection. Back in my backpacking days, though, I always wore shorts if the weather allowed it. Particularly when there are stream crossings, it seems better to me. Then again, I haven't hiked the trails he is writing about. So I thought I would just ask, plus, I haven't done any major hiking in many years, so maybe the materials they use in pants are better now and more comfortable even in the heat.
Also, I have a pair of hiking books I adore. I hiked many many miles in them, but they are 20 years old, and I need replacing. What do you like to wear on your feet? Again, this will be rough terrain, but I won't be carrying a back pack.
I'm sort of nervous about this whole trip - looking forward to it, but my friend is such a physical stud, and I don't want to let her down.
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I think you should just try it. If I were going to be a failure at any part of my job, I would choose housekeeping - as long as someone else would do it. I like a tidy house, but don't care how it gets that way.
Think about it this way. You don't (probably) kill your own chickens, sew your own clothes, make your own soap, haul off your own garbage. There are many things you pay people to do because you can't or don't want to do them. This is just one more.
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My house is that way. I really wanted a downstairs bedroom, and I like our set up. However, the only tv is upstairs in a bedroom we use as a bonus room. I wanted out main living area to be tv free.
I feel like our setup is private and quiet.
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pre made guacamole (packs of 4, they freeze and defrost well)
You freeze the Holy Guacamole? Or anther product? I never thought to do that ....
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My 'problem child' was also ongoing. He needed regular reminders for years about whose decisions things were and who has standing to argue. Totally loved him, never felt like I needed to include his mother in the process.I was under the impression that the OP's problem was an on-going one, no?
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If my mother were here, or my MIl or an adult neighbor or my pastor, and that person wanted to argue with me about whether my kids should be able to ride a bike without a helmet or snack before dinner or go the the greenway without an adult, I would not allow that argument. I am the mom and I make the rules for my house and my kids without a lot of third party help.With that said, I would be upset if you reprimanded my child for it - I would prefer you discuss your household dynamics with ME, so that I (as my child's parent) could give them the "their house, their rules" talk.
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I don't see why, then, I would be unable to tell an eight year old, "this is my house and that is my rule" just because he is eight. It's not just because he is a kid and I am an adult. It's primarily because this is my home, not his, my kids, not his. I have no need to consult his mother about that or to get her to explain it to him.
I love kids and I am pretty tolerant. Actually, sometimes I love the ornery verbal ones especially. But I would never feel unable to just directly talk to a kid and say. "Stop arguing about this. I already decided, and in this house, we don't keep pestering."
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Absolutely. I do it without apology and before I am angry, so no yelling or anything like that. But I have no problem explaining to a kid that in our house, we don't argue with parents or that in our house, we don't say mean things to or about people etc. It's just a matter of fact thing. I have never had a kid's parent complain.
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Meats, as others have said. Wild caught salmon (frozen). Ravioli, eggs, milk, beer and wine. Cheese is cheap but sold in larger quantities.
I always get their berries - particularly the black berries. Avocados. They sell a type of tomato I like - can't remember the name, but they are small and taste nice. We like the kale salad.
Going back to the U.S. in one week and I am a giant ball of ANXIETY
in The Chat Board
Posted
Honestly I think this is part of life in America. People here are not raised to be curious or even polite about showing interest in others. When DH and I are in social situations, we test this. I can talk to someone for a good while and find out a lot about them by asking questions and then followup questions. It is fascinating to me that when we leave, more often then not, they will know very little about me. DH says it's the same for him, and it's almost a game for us sometimes. I guess that same dynamic happens on a global level. Most people show very little interest in places they aren't going or have't visited.
In a family this can hurt. We want our siblings and parents to really care. We want to be known. We want them to see who we really are now, but sometimes they just want us to fit in to the role we always played. They don't ask our opinion because they think they know it. It can really hurt, on a personal level.
In your case, it is even worse because you have a whole new life in a place that should be inherently interesting. You have students and teachers and neighbors who have stories and experiences you would love to share. You could probably tell them many interesting things about the food, the culture, the housing, your travel, your daily challenges and triumphs etc. It is painful to see that people mostly just care about how you fit in their lives.
My only advice is just to be patient - especially with your Mom. Your children are probably more interesting to her than any exotic country could be. She probably wants to just absorb the joy of being near them and you. Ask her about her life - what she has been reading, and doing, what she has is growing in the garden, etc. Even though you are aware of how much isn't being shared and enjoyed, try to leave her feeling like it was a great visit. She is missing so much with you away. If I didn't see my daughter for two years, I would be in a great deal of pain about that. You can't live your life for her, but try to give this time to her. Leave her feeling like it was a great visit, as a gift to her. If you let your frustration show, you could spoil this little bit of time she has with you. Make it about her. The fact that you are mentally preparing now for this to be a disappointing trip can be is a good thing - you are dealing with it in advance!