Rubix
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Posts posted by Rubix
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I have a recent thread about some issues kind of like this with my DH. While he is "willing" (grudgingly) to attend counseling, I was also offered counseling to know how to deal with being around him while he makes changes. I'm sure she could find someone that could help give her strategies to deal with the anger, see the truth behind the reasons for it, and know where to go from here.
What I have seen in my experience is that it does escalate over time, and it does expand to affect other family members. My DH had never been physical, and yet he has in the past few months punched walls, broken / thrown dishes off the table while our kids were sitting there, and been just too close, and too angry at me. Enough to make me feel uncomfortable without him saying a word.... He's also started targeting our kids with the anger, yelling, cussing, etc.
The only thing that right now is motivating him to be willing to get help is knowing that his threats of divorcing me if I don't let this all go have sunk in, and I am telling him, that I will not accept this behavior anymore, and setting firm boundaries for his behavior. I took the power out of his threat of divorce by letting him know that I am 100% willing to go that route if he does not get help. Until I made it clear that I could and would end the marriage over it, NOTHING else had any effect.
I did PM you as well :)
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Low magnesium can cause muscle cramps as well, but because Magnesium and Potassium can affect the heart, I'd be cautious in giving him an actual supplement - maybe some foods that have natural, lower amounts of those?
I'm glad he is starting to feel a little better!
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When they checked his hearing did they check each ear separately? With the other ear thoroughly occluded? I know someone who had profound hearing loss that passed many hearing tests because all the tests were given to both ears. It may explain why sometimes he's hearing the wrong thing.
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It's -9F here. As far as heat, it is set at 70 (usually at 68) but, as others have said, it is so drafty. The you can feel a breeze in certain areas and around the windows is freezing.
We did go blow bubbles outside, and are warming up. Inside, if you are sitting near a window or door, you better have a blanket nearby and socks and shoes on :)
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We do one per day. With driving between parks, parking(or taking the buses), walking, going though security and the ticket booths, even at low crowd times wastes a ton of the day. Especially if you have any bags, etc. Plus the park hoppers are expensive!
Our kids loved animal kingdom, although I know others don't. They liked the animals, the safari, we liked the Everest ride and dinosaur area as well. It's also very spread out and the most walking, and I wouldn't want to rush around to see everything faster.
We didn't enjoy epcot as much, when we were there the highlights were soarin' and the nemo aquarium area. My husband liked it, but the kids and I didn't as much.
Hope you have fun!
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You can also click on the tab at the top where the amounts are,, and all the other tabs like memo, where you marked it is cleared, etc. It will sort them by amount, ascending or descending. I do this when I'm not sure if I entered a transaction.
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We'll use an Italian seasoning mix, or oregano, garlic, and basil. If we cook ground beef for in the sauce, we'll add the sauce to the meat, which adds a lot of flavor as well.
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I'll be doing that here Monday. OB appointment that I shouldn't change because of complications. If the roads would be bad, that's more of a factor to me. I'll heat up the car & bundle up. The worst part will be leaving the appointment and coming out to a cold car!
If you decide you're not comfortable with it, you could always see how long it would take to reschedule and decide based on that!
Stay warm...ish.
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When I had spotting at 11.5 ish weeks, they said that most of the time spotting is normal, and not always a sign of a m/c. It was unlikely that I was having a m/c because we'd seen a heartbeat on US at 5 weeks and apparently that was a 5% chance or less of losing the baby.
I had the option of going to the ER (as it was the weekend) for the spotting, or waiting to see. They left it up to me. I went to the ER. For me, unfortunately I'd had a missed m/c and the baby had died about 3 weeks earlier. I needed a d&c as my body wasn't responding to the loss.
I hope all is ok! :grouphug:
I also would be upset at the other response.
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Oh, and I wouldn't correct, but when I refer to her I would use the term Miss Firstname or Mrs Lastname. The kids would take their cues from us. If he outright told them to call her Aunt, as opposed to referencing her, I would probably say something to him privately or just let it go, and that would depend on which sibling it was, whether they were getting married/ were engaged, etc.
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We use Miss as well. It also could have been Mrs, but we didn't know (or ask) future SIL's last name until we got a wedding invite. We're from the north :)
Aunt = Married
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:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
I just want to say "Good for you!" for asking him to leave, even though you are so vulnerable right now. I can tell you have a strong character, which is going to serve you well.
I think you need to put your needs and the needs of your kids above his needs, and proceed from there. Have you had an explicit meeting with your family, those who live in the other side of the duplex? You must. They need to help and support you, and they have a right to know why your DH is living with them, and the possible outcomes if his personality disorder is pointed at them.
Call and see if you can get a free consult with a divorce lawyer, just so you know what your rights are and what his are. This can be done on the phone instead of in-person, if you can't get out alone. If you are concerned about him having custody of the kids, you need to know what to do to get any abusive behavior documented. Remember, talking to a lawyer does not mean you have to go and file. It allows you to know what to expect if you choose to file in the future, and plan accordingly. Knowledge is power.
IF you must keep working (and that might not be worth it due to the high risk pregnancy), can the kids go to the other side of the duplex, so others will be there while he watches them?
Your kids are SO young. Let homeschooling go, or do only fun projects that aren't taxing. Read together, or watch children's films of good literature. (I just watched James and the Giant Peach with my girls and it was fantastic). If you 6yo wants to go to school, consider it. He will be in safe, structured environment for 6 hours a day. If things are very tense at home, it might be a relief for him to get out. You can always resume homeschooling when things are better.
Take care of yourself and let everything that is not critical go. I hope your family and church will help you. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
Thank you. It was a very hard thing to do.
They definitely know, they have seen and heard enough to know what was going on, and my mom is pretty protective of the kids and this new baby. They're not having him there as a help to him, or to take his side, but really to keep him away from us. When he's there, and there are no expectations of him, no one bothering him, and he can just work and pretty much do whatever he wants, he is not acting out at them. If he started, I know my mom wouldn't subject her kids, my siblings, to this and would ask him to leave, regardless of the fact he has no where else to go.
I'll look into a consult. I don't want to get divorced, especially with custody issues. That is really what scares me. I do need to document, and find out the procedures for doing so. The actions are never physical, but instead consistent verbal and emotional abuse. As much as it's not what I want, it is getting closer to being necessary.
I would love to just take off work, I'm far along, exhausted, my BP is creeping up. The two considerations I have are money, as we are counting on my 1-2 shifts a week for the next 4 weeks. Also, I know that it will really tick him off if I don't work. If I was officially on bed-rest or unable to work that would be ok for him, but if he feels like I am making the choice not to, it will make things difficult. Maybe I shouldn't care! My mom has said she can help watch them, but only part of the time I am at work, because her kids have activities where they are gone from 630-930/10 the nights I work....which is most of the shift the kids are awake for.
We did some art projects which was relaxing. DD is officially enrolled in a virtual school (although we choose our own materials and schedule so nothing is required to be turned in or done on their schedule). She wants to be home for sure, and DS because of his b-day can't do 4K anyway, he's happy here too, and I am trying to take advantage of the quiet time and get in some extra love for them.
I have a lot to think about this week! Thanks for the encouragement.
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A thought on helping the children get through things: I think you are right to stand up to your husband and call him out on inappropriate behavior, and to place limits (he can't be in the house if he treats the family badly). I think it can help to explain to kids that sometimes people have illnesses that affect their brains, and when that happens the person sometimes is not able to really see and understand what is going on around them, or to understand how they are hurting people. Your kids are young, but they can understand a little of that and it can help them understand that they are not in any way responsible for making their dad angry, there is a reason for his anger that is completely out of your or their control and in some ways out of his control. You and the children can't fix that problem, you love him but you need to protect yourselves from his hurtful behaviors.
I'll try to think of any practical tips for surviving right now. It's especially hard when there are special dietary needs since that can rule out a lot of easy pre-packaged foods. No extra money makes things even harder. Have you looked into any assistance programs you might be eligible for? This is the time to take advantage of whatever is out there.
Thank you. They are much more peaceful when he isn't here, but until things change, if they ever do, we're just dreading him being around.
I've stressed to them that this is him, not controlling himself, and that it is not them. I see them though, trying to "suck up" for lack of a better term to him, when he is here. I can see that they are on eggshells, trying either to not make him mad, or to make him happy with them.
I haven't looked into assistance. I know that we don't qualify for anything when we count his income. I don't know how it works since he's technically still living at this address, we're not legally separated, etc. I'll need to look into it more.
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Rubix,
Please get some accurate information. You believe some myths about abusive men - and that misinformation is making you vulnerable.
A good place to start would be "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.
I requested it at the library...thanks for the recommendation.
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I use melatonin, on a semi-regular basis with both our kids. The pediatrician is aware. We are using the 2.5mg gummies. It really makes a difference in them falling asleep quickly, or at midnight....
I hope you find something that works for you!
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No advice, but :grouphug:
Thanks, sometimes that helps the most :)
Can you talk to someone - family (yours), counselor, clergy? There are resources out there. What about calling a domestic violence hotline? They'll have resources they can refer you to. And, yes, his bullying of you and the kids is abusive. Hugs to you.
Right now we're working with a pastor at our church. However, with all the holidays communication with him has been scarce. They're gone until New Years Eve, so I'm hoping to hear from them when he is back in the office after the holiday. They've offered to help move him out, etc, but the only way we could really afford for him to live elsewhere would be if I were to pick up extra shifts at work, which won't really work well.
My family is here, my mom has been helpful with some day to day stuff, making sure I eat, and ear to listen, and some company. She's also homeschooling my 3 younger sibs and working PT so it isn't consistent. If I need to I can see if my older brother can help finish the kids room. He's done floors like this before and can help with moving the stuff I can't lift.
The only people who know right now though are my parents and younger sibs, and now possibly his family as he stormed out last night and went to his mom's house, and has not come back. I was trying to keep his issues private, but I don't think that is workable long term.
:grouphug:
I agree with checking into what resources are available. Ask for help from your family.
There is no one more vulnerable than a woman with a baby. Get somewhere safe before baby comes.
Thanks, I haven't looked into outside resources, I'll have to start. I wish this didn't all happen during this pregnancy, I know the stress is such a bad thing.
What is the other side of your duplex like? Could you and dh "switch" sides for a while and he can do the repair work that needs to be done on your "home" side and then switch back again? That way the work would get done but you will both get the separation that it sounds is much needed at this time. Of course this would only really work if he is willing to put the effort in to fix up your home for you and your children knowing he may not live there long term. :). Perhaps you can hire out some help of he's not?
I'm very sorry you are going through this.
Well, here's the thing. My parents and siblings live there. He's living with my younger brother right now. We were in a position where he HAD to go, my BP was up, I was facing bedrest / pregnancy complications if I continued to deal with the stress and abuse. But, there was no $ for a hotel / apartment, his family is the source of a lot of his anger issues and were not a good option. He doesn't do well in relationships and doesn't have friends to stay with.
There's room for him there, but adding me and 2 kids to a 3 bedroom half duplex that already has 2 adults and 3 teens would be tight. I may try to leave during the weekends if he's willing to do the work and just take the kids somewhere all day so he can get the stuff done. I *think* he would do it, but I'm not willing to have him hurting me and the kids if we are in the house at the same time.
If I am able to get help, it would have to be someone who would help out just to help. There's not really anything I could pay them with, without not paying something else unfortunately.
I'm so sorry. Dh and I went through a very rough patch when I was pregnant with dd and it was so stressful. I don't really have any practical advice, but I wanted to give you :grouphug: and let you know I will be praying for you.
Thank you :)
Schooling can wait. Take that off your plate. Just read and count with your kids watch a Magic School Bus cuddled up in bed. So sorry this is happening.
Thanks :) I need to let go of my plan for getting stuff done. We have so many library books we can snuggle and read which would be nice for all of us.
Do you attend a church or something where people would bring you meals? If not, settle on really easy stuff, like sandwiches or soup (depending on what your kids like) or Cheerios. You can give up totally health eating and settle for "good enough." I agree with letting school be very low maintenance. Any friends who can help you out?
Thanks for the ideas. I should look into church more. The pastor knows the issues going on, but probably not how much I'm struggling. Other than him and his wife, we haven't shared much. I need to let go of my desire for privacy, which is hard. This isn't *my* problem, but it is embarrassing to me to admit what is going on, or ask for help. I've been making a big meal and eating leftovers for a few days. We don't go through as much with just the 3 of us. I need to get some easy groceries too, and of course the kids have allergies and intolerances which always makes grocery shopping easier....or not.
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the hugs, support, and advice. I know we'll make it through it, one way or another, but when facing the day is overwhelming, looking at the next 2 months is just depressing! I need to remember to take it one day at a time.
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It looks like I will be single parenting for awhile. My DH has been moved out (but only into the other half of our duplex) for about 3 weeks. Finances are way, way too tight for him to stay elsewhere. We've been trying to maintain some contact, with him coming here and visiting the kids, and most recently having his family over for a Christmas celebration this weekend (they don't know). This is not working, and I need distance. He has borderline personality, and is very difficult at times. Today, as he was working around the house to get ready for his mom to come, he stopped to help our kids win a level on a wii game. He died in the game, and because my 4 year old DS had put his character into a "bubble", the game ended. He swore at him for doing that.
I have told him I won't tolerate the yelling, swearing, belittling, and bullying the kids. He said to me, You're such a _____. Leaving the word unsaid. Since he was asked to leave after calling me a bit__ 3 weeks ago, apparently he thought it was fine to just leave that word out. He basically feels that I need to cut him more slack while he "works" on things. At this point, he threatens filing for divorce because I said he needed to go back over to his side of the house and cancel the gathering today. I've got to mamma bear my kids, and that means I'm on my own.
Anyway, I know that we need space if this is to work. I do love him, and he can be a good man to me and the kids, when it suits him. It wasn't always this way, but anything involving his family leads to problems. But, having him here isn't working. I really need some time to heal from the hurt, he needs time to get counseling and work on his anger issues. This isn't meant to be DH bashing at all. I know he needs help. He was very abused as a child, and unfortunately now it is being taken out on us. At the end of the day, he does want to be married, but in the heat of the moment, in anger or frustration, he will NOT control himself. Then later he is very upset and sorry, but the damage is done by then, kwim?
My dilemma is that I am SO overwhelmed. We have a house that is torn up in remodeling, I am 31 weeks pregnant and have a 6 and 4 year old. I am working part time (and he was the one with the kids while I worked evenings). My pregnancy is high-risk. In addition to the homeschooling, and general day to day housework, I have the stress of all of this emotionally, these major projects to be finished before the baby (which I can't / or shouldn't do myself), and 2 kids that are having a hard time too. Having him here working on projects while we are here is not working at all, because he has such an attitude that he picks fights, acts like a bully to me and the kids.
Any thoughts on managing this or getting through the next several weeks? Hints at keeping things lower maintenance when you've had to parent alone through health issues, pregnancy, etc? I'm getting some paper plates and cups to cut back on dishes, and the kids are helping, but they are emotional too, asking me why Dad is being so mean to them. Has anyone actually been able to reconcile with a spouse with anger & mental health issues? I just would like to cry & sleep but I have these two little ones counting on me to keep them calm and cared for.
Then I start on the possibilities of divorce, what I'll do financially, whether he'll be there when this baby is born, if I'll be able to keep being home with the kids (which was the plan after this one is born), homeschooling, etc. Then I want to cry & sleep even more. :crying: Maybe just the venting will help...
This is so not what I signed up for.
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Yup, me here too, especially if it is my DH's alarm and I am not expecting it, or if I am stressed out about waking up (if I am worried about oversleeping, or have a stressful something or other in the morning!).
I still haven't found the cure :)
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Usually everyone exchanges. It is all DH's cousins kids. So, all the kids are cousins to each other, except ours, who are what, first cousins? We've had the uncomfortable situation of not bringing gifts when people brought them for our kids (when we were newly married, new kids, etc) and I didn't know that they exchanged. We've also bought for everyone, and they have reciprocated. And, we've came with gifts and left without, lol. So, it has varied so much year to year.
I'm not close to these family members, and DH doesn't want to ask. So, I usually try to spend something small, but there will be 3 new kids in this family next year (not including the 2 that may marry into the family / or merge into the family or whatever. It's hard, because we're a little more "outside" this family. I may see if DH can just get us out of exchanging next year, and the cousins can all continue to just exchange with each other.
This year is covered, so I'll worry about the rest later! Thanks :)
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Well, I just looked and have a new Sorry Slider game tucked away that I was going to hang onto until my kids were a little older. Maybe I'll swap the cousin's DD's gift with the game for all 3 kids/ the family. My kids have the regular Sorry and haven't seen it, so they won't know it was intended for them for another time. I can grab 2 more candy bars for the other kids to match what the DD was getting, and some cocoa or popcorn for each of them. I can hang onto the gift card then for something else. Sound like an ok plan?
I don't want them left out at all, I'd hate to cause hurt feelings, but the extra errand and expense to make their gift equivalent would be a strain for us, which no one needs around this time!
Thanks for all the ideas. I was in a mini-panic :)
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Just a WWYD-
Background: I'm done with Christmas shopping, everything is tight this year, I've missed work with illness & pregnancy, and my DH is looking for a new job that he will start after the new year. This Christmas, especially with extended family is lean. On my DH's side, there are 3 children we buy for. We got them $15 gift certificates, and that was a stretch, but I had planned for it. This is family we see only once or twice a year.
So, we just got a Christmas card in the mail from DH's cousin. Her daughter is one of the 3 kids we buy for. Their Christmas card is from the adult cousin, her DD....and a man she is dating and his 2 kids. I have never met the kids (although I think I may have met the dad at a family wedding last year if it is the same guy, but knew nothing of the kids), I could guess ages based on the picture as a 13 year old boy and a 10 year old girl. So, I'm wondering, should I feel the need to get gifts for them? I have no idea if they will be at the Christmas party, if this is a boyfriend, if they are living together, or engaged, I have no idea, and am not sure it matters anyway. Again, they are not close and we see them rarely.
It would be a stretch for us financially (as in needing to pull $30 out of savings) to buy for 2 more people, but I also don't want them to be left out if they are there. It would also mean going to the mall, nearly 40 minutes away to where I got the GC's and to the dollar store to get more candy bars that I taped the GC's to, when in this weather I was really happy to be able to stay home and do the prep for the Christmas events we are hosting. What would you do?
We've shown up to family Christmas before, bringing a gift for the other kids, and have not received anything for ours. That isn't the point, but it would be....frustrating to be denying my kids things this year, and then pull $ out of savings only to have them not receive anything.
I've suggested exchanging names, but that has not gone over well...
Thoughts?
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If she hasn't noticed, and you have access to the list, you could add the things back on and then mark that you bought them in the way I described. Then it would still be visible to her....
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If I am logged in as me, and look at my wish list, or one that belongs to my kids, things that other people have bought are still on there. I have to log out, and look at the wish list anonymously to have things actually disappear.
If I were to buy something logged in as myself, (or perhaps if you bought off her wishlist using the same email that the wish list is under) it would disappear right away, and then it would show that it was off the list, spoiling the surprise as the pp said.
The answer to it would buy the things, but not directly off the wishlist. Just put in your cart and buy, not using the link from the wishlist. Make sure it doesn't say when you check out / in the cart (From X's wishlist). Then, log out of your amazon account, and search for the wishlist by email address. When the list comes up, there is an option to say that you bought it somewhere else. You put in an email address, then check your email and confirm you bought it. It will disappear from the wish list others can see, but would still be visible for your daughter, just as if someone else bought it.
Or use another email address to buy things if you have one...
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I have made it, and canned it before. Once open, it is good for quite a while. Maybe 3 weeks-4 weeks + . Mine eventually gets moldy. If it's not moldy and smells ok, we'll eat it :) I think it will smell "off" if it is bad. We've never been sick from eating something like that, that smelled ok and wasn't showing signs of turning.
anger management help
in The Chat Board
Posted
Also, why the recommendation for part time work?