[Best inexpensive karate gi for beginners]

We have lightweight gi's off Amazon for $20 each, random store tiger claw brand-- and haven't ever had a problem with them.  (but it was years ago and when I looked at the orders none of them show as available anymore).

Heavyweight from our sensei were $40+ and the kids version wrinkled weirdly on washing. 

[Pardon me while I vent]

I have seen so many bad prom dresses -- I would not stress about it at all. 

I would tell her that cost needs to be a factor -- but I said that to my DD even without the weird boyfriend thing. 

FWIW my personal experience is that these kind of dresses are very often 1x wear.  

ETA -- but that comment by the boyfriend would really get my goat!

[Little Free Libraries]

I would think any good books put in them wouldn't stay around long -- the ones you see are the ones that didn't go fast.  We have one by an elementary and I put some popular kids chapter books in it -- gone the next day. 

 

[Audible… explain like I’m 5]

I thought they changed the max credit thing -- you have a year from when you got the credit until it expires and you lose it which probably works out the same for them actually LOL -- but it is much clearer on when/how you will lose credits and they alert you before you lose them.

The basic subscription I believe you don't get any credits at all -- just the free w/subscription books and the discount to buy books (and random offers to buy credits at a big discount).  You don't get to keep any free w/subscriptions books you've downloaded if you end your subscription. You do get to keep any books you've bought with credit (or at a discounted subscriber price).

You can listen on Iphone (and anywhere you can download the app) and on Alexa -- and switch back and forth between the two.

Also -- IF the kindle book supports it, you can read the book while Audible reads it aloud to you.  Haven't done this for a while though so not sure how that works for page turns etc.

 

[deleted for privacy reasons]

Just for a different perspective, as someone whose Mom also had a "thing" about weight -- I can see her thinking that she was trying to motivate you to lose weight with many of these comments 🙄  My Mom definitely said some hurtful things to me about weight trying to 'motivate' me, and I've talked to other people whose Mom's have done the same about weight -- and none of us were even overweight at the time either (although not fashion slim either).

I agree completely that those kinds of comments are hurtful and not helpful -- but I think that there is an actual motivational 'style' that they fit into that plenty of people still use (vs. saying them just to be mean or due to wherever she might sit on the narcissism spectrum). 

[Living will, advance directive, regular will, etc.]

4 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

More so to think of the what ifs that have arisen newly since you did it.

For instance, I have a relative who had a DNR clause that was so strong that it prevented her from getting TPA to treat a stroke, because she was unconscious.  When she wrote the DNR, TPA treatments were not available.  The lack of the TPA meant that when she came to, which was unexpected, the damage was severe and she could never live independently again and also went blind.  Whereas with TPA it’s pretty common to exit the incident just about as good as new.

That's very interesting - because I've heard multiple places that one should include a DNR (when beyond a certain point of fragility due to age or illness) because of the trauma that treating cardiac arrest causes (that multiple people have also brought up on this thread).  I did not realize the DNR meant that other non traumatic treatments could not take place. 

[Living will, advance directive, regular will, etc.]

Five Wishes is a health care directive that our church did a session on.  It is supposedly valid in almost all states (not New Hampshire, Kansas, Ohio, or Texas apparently)

My dad lived in WA state and he had a 1 page standard health care directive up on the fridge -- my brother said the ambulance techs would ask for it by name the times they had to come (but I just did a quick google and didn't find it -- so maybe it was for his particular county)

[Living will, advance directive, regular will, etc.]

It is not one document.  My dad had 3 different docs:

Will -- covers any assets that don't have a beneficiary -- to tell who those assets go to when you die  (note: a lot of financial assets do not go through the will but go to the named beneficiaries -- with a bunch of caveats depending on a particular state's laws)

Medical Power of Attorney -- this is a power of attorney specifically for the situation where the person is not able to make decisions for themselves

Health Care Directive/Living Will -- this covers what you want to happen if you are not able to make decisions -- other than the DNR, I have not seen specific statements of medical decision making though --just stuff like "don't keep me alive if there's no chance I'll come back to myself" type things (not that I've seen very many,

Each of these also is different depending on your state's Laws from my understanding.   

 

[Can we talk about adoption?]

1 hour ago, Farrar said:

I'm definitely not an expert at all and while I have a decent amount of adoption awareness because of professional stuff in previous jobs, a lot of other boardies know so much more than me.

But I think by saying that adoption is always trauma, it's an awareness that the adoption itself is always going to come with trauma. That even if a parent wants to surrender the child for adoption and feels positively about that decision, and is getting the amount of contact they want (whatever that is) and is moving on to a life they positively want... Even if the child is an infant who can't remember the biological parent(s), even if they have no particular experience of difficulty beyond that moment of adoption surrender... that even then, there's trauma. And that even if the child is removed from a traumatic situation, that the adoption is like rebreaking a bone to set it. I don't think it has to be a judgment that adoption is bad. 

I think this is a great metaphor -- the problem I have is that saying "adoption is always a form of trauma" is like saying -- whatever caused the bone to break and the time spent dealing with a badly set bone were not traumatic at all-- that it is the rebreak itself that causes the trauma. 

Even for the newborn who goes directly to the adoptive parents -- putting the trauma on the adoption itself and not what caused the desire to relinquish-- takes away close examination of actual issues that might be solvable (or at least reduced) if they were under more scrutiny --  such as whether the mother felt she had no other choices, whether due to cultural reasons or poverty etc. (although I certainly would not want to put any blame in that direction -- which is unfortunately where the world would probably go with that).

[January 2023: What are you reading?]

Read Ilona Andrew's new book Magic Tides and enjoyed it.

Forced my way through Harrow the Ninth -- I should have stopped after the 1st section but I kept going because I read that the end got better -- although the last section was better it didn't make up for the earlier sections. I won't be reading any more in that series.

[Can we talk about adoption?]

If we decide that no one can adopt from a poorer country -- isn't that also the stronger making decisions for the weaker?  Each country should decide for itself whether it allows international adoption, not us deciding for them.  

Also the number of international adoptions had dropped quite a bit anyway ETA: numbers from the US  --

2021 -- 1,785 international adoptions vs 54,200 adopted out of foster care 

2012 -- 8,655 international adoptions vs 52,000 adopted out of foster care

2000 -- 18,854 international adoptions  (didnt' find foster care #'s for 2000 --but that ~50k looks pretty much the same from year to year from 2012-2021 ) 

international #'s https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/Intercountry-Adoption/adopt_ref/adoption-statistics-esri.html?wcmmode=disabled 

foster #'s https://www.acf.hhs.gov/cb/report/trends-foster-care-adoption

ETA: also on another site it said there were 89 adoptions out of the US to another country in 2016

[Helping me not hoard part 2]

I'm a big believer in throw it in a box and decide a few months later -- when it becomes very obvious that there are 60 practically identical pictures.   And I keep going through the box (maybe once a year) and weeding out.  I kept almost everything to begin with -- but then found it was easy to throw out most of it later when I saw I had 100 math sheets (or whatever), so for younger, I threw those things out right away.  And even reports or presentations that they worked hard on are easy to throw out a year (or more) later when the feelings have faded. 

At this point all I have is artwork and writings. I keep artwork that reflects them from that time and writings about themselves/family/friends or stories.

FWIW older DD (in college) says I should throw out everything of hers and younger DD would keep everything but is not generally interested in looking through it either (she enjoys looking at older DD's things more than her own) --  so I have realized that I am keeping it for myself more than for them.  (ETA -- and I do get caught up in the memories of their younger self when going through them -- that's why I only manage to weed out some each time at this point)

 My plan is to eventually weed it down to a 'scrapbook' worth for each of them -- something that can be easily paged through and read or laughed over (I pulled it out to weed through over older DD's college break and there was a lot of laughter from both kids 🤣)

[Can we talk about adoption?]

5 minutes ago, PronghornD said:

Thanks for your comment, especially since you are both an adopted person but also an adoptive mom. When I said "we" I was making a more limited comment. I literally meant we in this thread. Perhaps I am wrong, but it seemed like we didn't really give adoptees' anger much credence. The broader world may be quite different, though.

Sorry -- I did not pick up on the we being just us in this thread at all (as you could see in my response 🙂 )

It's true that this thread hasn't really focused on adoptee anger but perhaps that's also more to do with Scarlett's original question being more anti-adoption focused and less vocal adoptee focused--and FWIW I personally feel like this thread overall has been way more nuanced than most of the conversations I've had about adoption in the real world (where I have mostly devolved to a "pass the bean dip" type answer)

And I suppose it's also true that people bringing up adoption to me are a self selected group and are probably not indicative of the broader world either. 

 

[Can we talk about adoption?]

1 hour ago, PronghornD said:

I think it is important to acknowledge and even affirm the negative experiences of some of the more vocal adoptees. We tend to just dismiss them because of their anger and because we don't like their proposed solutions. However, I'll bet most of them truly have a valid reason to complain about what adoption brought them. They should be listened to, and we should seek to make improvements that will prevent the problems they experienced (or at least make them happen to fewer kids).

On the other hand, there are people out there who wish they were adopted too. A friend of mine (I will resist the temptation to stir the pot by mentioning her size and ethnicity) has looked with longing on the interactions she's seen between me and my child. With sadness and longing, she has said that she wished she had been adopted.

I disagree that the negative experiences of vocal adoptees are mostly dismissed -- instead I think a lot of people's knowledge of adoption comes primarily from reading the negative experiences of vocal adoptees. 

IMO the vocal adoptees have become one of the accepted standard of adoptee emotions.  The readers(watchers?) don't dismiss the anger, instead they believe that most adoptees feel this way -- and after they believe that, then it is more often the positive experiences (such as my own experience) that are dismissed, ignored or invalidated. 

For example, I have been told many, many times that I am wrong in saying I don't have any adoption trauma or anger, because all adoptees have adoption trauma so I am just suppressing it.   I've been told (also multiple times) I just need to read other adoptees experience and then I'll apparently magically find my own anger (or if I say I have read such, then I just haven't read enough of them).  Not to mention a bunch of other things that I am just not recognizing in myself apparently.  🙄 

It's pretty much the only situation I can think of where my personal experience of a good outcome is dismissed or invalidated by the majority of people I've discussed it with. It's very strange actually.

Another weird thing about it -- a subset of people also take my telling my good experience as invalidating the feelings and negative experiences of the vocal adoptees.  I don't get that either - my having a good experience doesn't invalidate their bad experience. just like their bad experience doesn't invalidate my good experience.  It's all just another data point to consider.  

Note: not only am I adopted, but I adopted my kids from another country-- which is why I've had way too many conversations with people (sometimes complete strangers) about adoption.  

[Can we talk about adoption?]

Since @Scarlett asked specifically to hear from adoptees....

I don't like to join in this type of discussion because as an adult adoptee, I get really frustrated listening to people state things like all adoptees are traumatized in some way or adoption is a horrible thing that should be completely eradicated or all adoptees turn out bad (or the 'kinder' version -- all adoptees have issues).   

And even more frustrated when I try to say that is not my experience and am then told something like "Oh, well, I didn't mean you"  or especially "Oh, well, you need to read more adoptees stories online and then you'll understand".

So I mostly bow out of such discussions (although can still get sucked in, as now 😄 )  

+1 on  @Corraleno's post too -- from an adoptees perspective (especially that adoption is often blamed for causing certain feelings -- yet when similar feelings are expressed by a biological child about their family those feelings are considered in the normal range of familial emotions)

[who pays for a vacation?]

My parents always paid for place to stay and all food but not cost to get where ever (but they could not only afford it but had far more disposable income than I had at the time). 

They had a more old fashioned take on it though -- they paid while I was single, then once I got married, they paid for nothing. DH and I were even expected to pay for everyone for most meals out.  And they weren't open or upfront about the change either -- took me a while to figure out why I was the only one being cut off (siblings were still single). 

 

[Where do you keep your batteries?]

I also have them in a basket (labeled finally last year) -- I could not do one of those organizer thingies, because it needs to be something where the new ones can just be thrown in. 

This thread did make me realize the basket should be moved out of my craft area and into some common area though 😄

[January 2023: What are you reading?]

22 hours ago, marbel said:

I enjoyed this article on reading slowly:  https://www.theguardian.com/books/2022/dec/02/i-want-to-savour-every-word-the-joy-of-reading-slowly

Reading aloud (or listening together to an audio book) has both gotten me into listening to audio books for myself and taught me that not every book is meant to be savored word for word 🤣

For fiction books I definitely enjoy them by getting into the story. Which means that for many books, there are sections that really need to be skimmed over (or even outright skipped on a re-read).  For these books, reading aloud (or slowly) means to me that I not only don't get lost in the story but sometimes can't even get into it at all -- opposite for me of enjoying it more. 

So far, for read alouds at least, there are two main types of troublesome books -- some authors have far too many side tracks (for example, sailing in Swallows and Amazons) and others that believe that one should never use 2 words when 100 would do (I'm looking at you JRR Tolkien, since we're almost halfway through Two Towers on current read aloud).   

I do think there are plenty of books that are just as good when you read (or hear or savor) every single word!  Just don't think I could do it for every book I read (or even most) 😱 

[Tell me about your paper planner/bujo/whatever you use]

The thing I like best about the bullet journal concept is you can pick and choose what works for you. 

I dislike the traditional monthly page for example  -- I do a style I found many year ago from some organizing site that I've long since lost now -- each day gets one line going down the page.  Visually this works way better for my brain.  It's also very fast to make a new one whenever it starts looking cluttered or I'm losing track of where I'm at on the page.   Nowadays I usually do 2 columns of days -- which allows almost 3 months on one page.  

Same with traditional weekly pages -- they usually have the days too big and the place for lists too small.  I don't track things on a day basis very much and I need the primary lists on the same page for the week, otherwise it's lost to me -- but with ability to have various separate lists not just one.   Plus it's super easy to try a different weekly layout and then change what doesn't work out the next week. 

Haven't ever been able to get daily/weekly habits to work in a bullet journal format tho -- currently using to-doist for this and pretty happy with it.

And I'm still trying to figure out how to include the big projects in a way that works for me (other than just a "work on X project" way).

I do not do any of the pretty/crafty stuff and I only do layouts that are quick for me to create -- because otherwise it becomes a project and that means it won't happen when it needs to. 

[S/o- YNAB/budgeting apps]

Another YNAB lover (I have the old PC version that is not subscription) -- agree with everyone else that it takes a while to "get it".  But once you get it, it is like a paradigm shift.  I did Quicken for years before YNAB including lots of tries to budget and follow a budget -- and yet switching to YNAB still made a huge difference for us.  It is the whole envelope thing + being forced to cover unexpected expenses/spending with money you already have IMO. 

OTOH, when one person in a couple is not interested in budgeting numbers -- it can still be useful to keep the money in separate accounts -- so non-budgeting person can see that specific money is already earmarked for X expense (and so not available to be spent on some other needed/wanted thing). 

[What short story is this?]

How Sadie Regrew Wings

ETA - actually read it now -- and probably not the correct one 😞

[Cleaning up email?]

Another for the future tip -- you can add +anyletters to your gmail address and it will still come to you,-- so when put your email address into a website, you can put something that identifies them on your email.  

I saw this one a while back as a suggestion to figure out who is selling your email address. I did it for a while and then let it lapse -- but just realized it would be perfect for identifying promos and deleting them later as well. 

 So, you could put promo (or some other identifying word into) into your email, like "laughingcat+promowalmart@gmail.com"  (also supposedly gmail also ignores all .'s so you could do "laughingcat+promo.walmart@gmail.com"  -- haven't tried out this one though)

Quote

1. Append a plus (“+”) sign, with any combination of letters or numbers to follow, after your email address. For example, if your email address was yourusername@gmail.com, you could send mail to yourusername+friends@gmail.com or yourusername+mailinglists@gmail.com and still receive mail at yourusername@gmail.com.
2. Insert one or several dots (“.”) anywhere in your email address. Gmail doesn’t recognize periods as characters in addresses—it just ignores them. For example, you could tell people your address was yourusername@gmail.com, youruser.name@gmail.com or you.ruser.name@gmail.com.

support.cloudhq.net

 

[Cleaning up email?]

+1 for searching on particular companies and deleting all from there

Another strategy is to delete everything older than a certain date using "before:2010" in the search (or "before: 12/30/2009" if you want to use a specific date) -- you can use these with other search terms too.

A suggestion for going forward -- I have my gmail set up with categories.  Categories works such that gmail will try and put any email into the correct category without you having to set any rules.  And even if it doesn't put it into the right category originally, you can reset the category by moving the email to that category -- then accepting a pop up asking if all future emails from that address go to that category.  One of the categories is "promotions" -- so all my ads go there, and I just go in and super fast skim through them once every day or two and then delete everything in there (which gives me 30 days to figure out I deleted something I didn't mean to -- or pull up a coupon it turned out I wanted after all)

Categories is set by going to Settings--see all settings -->Inbox tab

You can pick how many categories you use up to the max- so you can have just Primary and Promotions or all 5 they offer.

[I think I hurt Dh's feelings.]

 I came into marriage from a family where everyone was expected to come up with gift ideas on our own. DH came from a list background. 

 To me, the list didn't seem like real gift giving because the person would already know what they were getting --I believed a gift should surprise the person with a perfect for them gift.  I'm sorry to say it took me years to figure out that I never could find something DH wanted as much as what he put on the list.   

At least during that time I always bought him things from the list as well -- the "off list" present was always an "extra" present -- and I always offered him the receipt or to return the gift myself.  The point IMO was to surprise him with a great gift and NOT to make him act happy about something he didn't actually want at all.  Although I can see now, with 20/20 hindsight, that he felt a gift receivers requirement to act like he liked the various gifts.  It is even a family joke that he often ended up selling the "extra" gift on ebay months later (even though I always gave the receipt with the gift). 

Anyway -- maybe there is hope that this is a first step to his realizing that buying off the list is the way to go (the way I eventually realized it)? 

 

A funny story mostly unrelated to the OP --

One year I bought something 'off list' but I bought it very early and 'hid' it in the pantry -- and then forgot about it and didn't give it to him. 

The following Sept, nine months after Christmas, my DH's car battery died and the car was in a very awkward spot to get another car near to.  He said "what is that battery box in the pantry?"   I said "Oh! I forgot about that! that was supposed to be your off list Christmas present!"   It was a car battery charger that you can keep in the car and use if the battery dies to start your car.  This was my biggest win for an "off list" present -- and I didn't even give it to him at Christmas 🤣

[After 30 years, my husband noticed]

1 hour ago, BandH said:

We don't do adult stockings here.  Filling the kids' is enough work for me!  

But for those of you in this situation, how did your kids make sense of it when they were little enough to believe in Santa?  I don't know what I'd tell a kid who asked why Daddy got things and I didn't.  

Santa doesn't do stockings at our house --instead everyone is expected to put something in each other person's stocking (which can include Santa if he so desires but mostly doesn't).  However, when stockings are emptied there is no specific discussion of who gave what (which mostly means it is always small cheap stuff + candy of course).

Each kid understood the idea by the time they were in grade school -- and I was lucky that in those early years they had access to a 'kids gift shop' (put on by parents) where they could buy small gifts for siblings and parents for as little as .25 -- most often it has been dollar tree stuff since then.  DH has never forgotten my stocking but it has always been the same candy every year.