[My sister and chemo]

I should have taken up friends on their offers to clean house and pick up groceries.  Instead, I decided to "save" their generosity in event that things went downhill from there.

Unless you travel to help out,  probably not much you can do being two hours away other than emotional support via phone, text or email.  I am not minimizing emotional support from a distance; I did indeed find it a welcome relief.

[Hoping for advice from those with married kids]

Do not comment or question their relationship.  Let son know you love him and her and that you will always be there for him.  If son expresses frustration re his marriage, respond with something non-controversial and non-judgmental like, "Relation problems are stressful.  I hope that both of you find a way to work things out to your satisfaction. That must be difficult for *both* of you."  If you get overly emotionally invested in his relationship, you may find yourself still angry or frustrated with daughter in law after the couple has already made up and moved on.

[Update 6/26 How would you handle this? Or am I the crazy one?]

On 4/12/2021 at 9:09 PM, Scarlett said:

I doubt it. There is a will.  My sister has to decide if she abides by the will or just turns it all over to our step mom.  She knows if she turns it over to our step mom she likely will get nothing when our step mom dies.  

This is not how it works. 

Executor is legally obligated to abide by terms of will; if he or she fails, the beneficiaries, including remaindermen, contingent and noncontingent, may sue executor.

Based upon information you have provided, sounds likely that your father's wife has is a life estate in the house that is now owned 100% by your father's estate since father was sole owner prior to his death.  In fact, your father may have set up a life estate purposefully to protect your half sister by making certain she receives proceeds from ultimate sale of house.  Whether or not to sell house is not up to surviving spouse; under scenario presented, surviving spouse is not executor.

I get impression that his estate is not large enough to justify legal fees to challenge will to include you as his child or as an additional beneficiary.  For what it's worth, I think y'all should not challenge will or attempt to alter via nonjudicial settlement agreeement or whatever mechanisms his home state alllows for dealing with such issues.  If your half sister wishes to gift you part of proceeds upon future sale of house, then she can give you whatever she considers your share at that time.  Sounds like sister wants to be equitable with you, but understand that she is limited by terms of will.

It says a lot about both you and your sister that were able to carve out sisterly relationship in spite of your father's denial of you. 

[What is your first response when you see a Confederate flag displayed?]

My gut reaction was not among choices.  I consider them to be traitors.  The USA won the Civil War so the former Confederacy reunited with USA.  People can mourn and/or honor their dead ancestors without displaying flag.  Definitely do not think Confederate flag should be flown over ANY government building, regardless of whether a city, state or federal building.  

[Top surgery for young person]

3 hours ago, Quill said:

...  In re: my niece/nephew, there are other reasons it feels like grief to me, but cutting off healthy br3asts when still a teen is not great no matter how I look at it. ...

A mastectomy was best gift we gave our transgender ftm child.  Unfortunately he inherited my large breasts, which caused him discomfort both mentally and physically.  Until his mastectomy, he bound his breasts which often caused soreness and irritation.  His mental health was much improved by the mastectomy.  I have had breast cancer too but my situation was not comparable to his even though I chose to keep my original breasts.

[Another pride month question: trans and non-binary people]

On 6/5/2021 at 11:14 AM, prairiewindmomma said:

Do you have, in your circle of relationships, trans or non-binary people?

Relatives?

People you have conversation with who know some degree of detail about your life and you theirs?

(I once saw a trans person or my friend of a friend thing would not fit this.)

I am totally curious about this after reading the pronouns thread. 

I have a transgender (ftm) son in his early 30s.  Fortunately as child, I briefly knew a girl who would have been diagnosed today as transgender.  Thus, early on by preschooler age, I recognized some subtle and more blatant clues in my son.  When I would attempt to explain to other mothers, they would blow it off as "being a tomboy" which it clearly was NOT.  I stopped discussing the matter with people.  Reading posts on this board about trans people is what drove me away for a number of years.  I am encouraged by the acceptance and compassion that many extend to people these days who identify as LTBTQIA.  My son has lived as male since age 15 although he did not begin hormone treatment until 18 and got mastectomy for college graduation gift.

My just-married 30 year old daughter just announced that she is non-binary.  Gee thanks, another newfangled term to learn 🙂 ; whatever became of gender-fluid?  Again, there were signs throughout life that her gender flowed on a spectrum so no surprise there.  Happily, she is married to a wonderful, compassionate, supportive, highly intelligent young lady.

Since two of my children are trans and NB, naturally I know quite a few of their LTBTQIA friends, many of whom are like extended family members.

[South Carolinians...death by firing squad?]

While I do live in South, I have never eaten grits except for a few years ago when I took a bite thinking they were mashed potatoes.  I do, however, like pineapple on pizza.

[Prickly friend drama]

Prickly friends tend to remain prickly throughout their lives.  Perhaps you can discuss only neutral topics such was weather, pets, hobbies, etc.  Personally I have distanced myself from such people because I eventually grew weary of having to tiptoe and apologize for truly innocent comments that they misinterpreted even after explanation.  Additionally I felt I was being manipulated in effort to make me grovel after genuine apology.  Fortunately there have only been few people in my life with these qualities.

[South Carolinians...death by firing squad?]

I am curious if the state of SC is preparing the argument "he/she chose it" to ward off any litigation about execution method being unjust.  Seems to be an unnecessary law because states typically already allow for a variety of ways to kill prisoners.  Part of me thinks it is a rub-in-your-face cruel law that certain states are notorious for.

All that aside, if I could not manage to commit suicide in my cell, I would most definitely select firing squad over any other method, including lethal injection.

[Hearing footsteps at night]

deleted since is zombie thread

[Dream Car thread - Manual or automatic?]

Now that children are adults, I have reverted back to driving manual shift small cars.  However, I did buy automatic Mini Cooper because that was what was available at the time.

[Poll - Pfizer only - side effects from Covid Vaccine]

I polled as no side effects from either first or second dose.  However, I do not consider a sore arm as a "side effect."  If a needle is stuck into arm, I expect mild to significant soreness.  

[I might have to get off FB]

You may be reading too much into it if you think she is oversharing or seeking attention.  It is very possible that she is posting in support of a friend going through a difficult breakup.  Why would you have to leave facebook because of something your daughter in law posts?  She should not have that much power over you.  You can snooze her for 30 days or unfollow her.

 

[Personal SARS-COV-2 vaccination experiences]

I took both rounds of the Pfizer vaccine with no side effects except for bruising, which is due to fact that my platelet count sometimes drops below 50,000 because of ongoing disease process.  I do not count soreness of arm as a side effect since I expect that quick jab with needle will result in minor temporary soreness.  During my vaxes, I was working around 75-85 hours a week because of our busy season.

[Do you know people who you think might have had Covid before Covid was a "thing?"]

I know several people who *think* they had covid before covid was a thing.  As for whether they truly had covid, I have no idea.

[Inheriting Care of Special Needs Sibling...]

We inherited care of my husband's intellectually disabled brother who had lived with mother until she unexpectedly developed septicemia during routine surgery and died.  It was rough first few years when we tried to involve the other five siblings to care for him part of year and frankly the constant change would not have been good for him.  We had to let go of resentment over other siblings not helping out.  Thus, he stayed with us, and eventually we found a good placement for him in agency-supervised living with a roommate.  He is an integral part of our nuclear family as he is over at our house on weekends, usually with his roommate.  However, with only one adult child still living in our city, we do worry about what will happen to him when husband and I both die.  We would not change anything about our situation with him.

[I need to vent so pull up a chair (a bit long winded sorry)]

Do not give them unsolicited advice or make comments about them being "woke." In fact, if they do ask for advice, you may say," You have a good strong mind, and I'm sure you will come with a reasonable solution to your problem."  Their behavior does not strike me as uncommon for their age group.  Do not expect them to return texts or calls promptly.  Even if you consider their responses to the situation as hysterical, would you truly want someone else telling you how should feel about a situation or judging your response to be hysterical?  Acknowledge that the situation must be stressful for them and tell them you hope they get it worked out.  For me, it has helped to remember to talk to my adult children the way I would talk to friends.  

[how would you handle this?]

Has daughter been screened for ADD?  My son, who was disgustingly messy, was diagnosed and medicated for ADD at age 31.  Now his apartment is neat and tidy and stays that way.  It can indeed make a world of difference.

As for how I handled it when he lived at home, I wanted to be happy, so I had to let it go.  However, I insisted he keep his bedroom door closed, not bring his messiness into common living areas and not do anything that would permanently devalue my property.

[Her hair is fixed and that is a good thing]

One generally has to delve into details about these situations because media tends to hyperfocus on the alleged silliness of it all. 

Remember the coverage of the McDonald's coffee case?  People were up in arms that a woman had audacity to sue because her coffee was hot.  However, she suffered substantial burns and had to have skin grafts.  At the time, McDonald's coffee was served at about 40 degrees less than boiling point!

I feel a great deal of sympathy for the Gorilla glue lady being our temporary laughingstock and criticism target.  I, too, have unintentionally misused a product, but fortunately there were no disastrous effects.

[S/O: wills]

Some states allow children of decedent to claim an elective share, so, yes, she can make potentially make trouble if she is in applicable state and is familiar with the law herself or seeks legal advice.

Her father can pass an inheritance to her via trust if she is a spendthrift or if she receives government benefits that are asset or income based.

One of my clients had a falling out with one of her grandchildren and disinherited him in both her will and in a life insurance trust.  Subsequently they reconciled but she failed to update terms of will and insurance trust.  Thus, when she died, he was denied his share of her estate.

FTR I strongly disagree with disinheriting children or treating them unequally in legal documents.

[My parents are refusing to get vaccinated.]

I strongly believe that anyone who has reached age of reason should have autonomy over their own body even if I think they are a lunatic for not getting Covid vaccine.  

If you do not want your children around unvaccinated adult relatives, I see no other option at this juncture than to have a brief honest discussion with your parents explaining why the kids can or can't visit and let the chips fall where they may.  Your parents need to respect your parenting decisions regardless of whether they agree with them.

However, I always wonder ..... how far would one take that?  Do people routinely ask neighbors, friends, relatives and acquaintances about their vaccine history before allowing children around them?  Reason I ask is that in my entire mothering life,  I have had exactly one mother ask if my children were up to date on vaccinations, and this was in absence of a pandemic. 

[Why must people be so incivil? Venty-vent-vent.]

As a person who sometimes has trouble interpreting tone of voice, I tend to listen closely and focus on words.  The words "watch out" or "watch yourself" would not seem friendly to me since I probably would not recognize the cheeriness in your voice.  I know you didn't ask but what I say in those situations is usually something like "oops we almost had a collision."   As for her complaining about it to her companion, well, that is unnecessary and whiny in my opinion.

[A question about wills]

6 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

But if he left everything (that he legally owned) to his wife, the spousal exemption would apply, so no taxes would be due until she dies, and the current exemption is 11.7 million. 

If deed named children as owner after father's death, there would be no spousal exemption for what passes to children.  However, Scarlett has stated that total estate was under $500K so there would be no estate tax even if nothing passed to spouse.  The current exemption of $11.7 million is for 2021 deaths only so would not apply to the father's estate.  Exemption is adjusted annually for inflation, and is set to drop back to $5M adjusted for inflation after 2025 unless Congress extends the generous exemption.  

[A question about wills]

How much money are you talking about in royalties from minerals?  Attorney fees may outweigh whatever  royalty payments would have been.  If not, then yes indeed the adult children need an attorney.  The plaintiffs will have case against "landman" or against mother/stepmother for taking what was rightfully theirs for 34 years although you stated that at least some of the children "signed off" on those conditions.

Re: estate taxes.  If decedent died 34 years ago, the federal lifetime exemption was $500,000 at his death.  Thus, if the fair market value of his assets at death exceeded $500,000, then, yes, the decedent's estate would owe estate taxes with outrageous penalties and interest to the IRS.  That is landmine I would not want to set off.  Do not know if LA and AR had estate taxes at decedent's death.  Only a handful of states still have an estate tax provision, but more states had estate tax in the 1980s.

[Jealousy of kids sibling relationship]

No, I have not felt jealousy because of my children's relationships with each other.  In fact, I celebrate that they are quite close to one another and turn to each other in times of need, nor do I feel envious of relationship they have with my sister.  The wider a person's support network is, the better chance they have of making it through tough times intact.

I do not want to hijack thread so I may start another thread about an interesting observation that some parents are jealous of what their children achieve and attempt to minimize their accomplishments.