Kendall Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Fabre had known for long that a parasite plagued a certain type of bee called the Anthophora. He often found this parasite in the bee’s cell, but he knew they were not born there. How then did they contrive an entrance to the cell? To find this out, Fabre had to inspect a nest up close. Unfortunately, this typically arouses the bees’ suspicions and you end up with about a hundred stingers in in you. Fortunately, though, this type of bee showed a distinct lack of spirit, and Fabre walked through a swarm of bees without getting stung. After a close inspection, he saw the process happen right in front of him. The sitaris clambered up onto the bee’s back and hung on tight. The bee then entered a cell and laid an egg. The sitaris then dropped onto the egg, and then ate it, shed its skin, and became a full grown sitaris. He summarized from a chapter in the Book of Insects by Henri Fabre. I think he should have named the parasite early in the paragraph rather than just at the end. There are quite a few words in this paragraph that sounded like Fabre rather than a 7th grader:). I looked (easily thanks to google books) and though I found some of the words in the book somewhere, often in other chapters, only one was even used in the sentence about the same thing he used it for(and none of the words around it were used). So I think he is internalizing the language and maybe the structure, too and using it, not copying it. I've noticed this before in his writing. I'm not sure what, if anything to do about this issue. For example his sentence, How then did they contrive an entrance to the cell? I think most modern style books would encourage him to write: How did they enter the cell? Is his version really worse? Thanks in advance for any comments you have. Kendall Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caitilin Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 IMO, his style choices are fine, especially since they match the style and tone of the work he is summarizing. If he were to use this type of language in a summary of, oh, A Wrinkle In Time, or a less heavily-written book of any kind, then I think it would come off as pretentious; but in this scenario, it seems fine to me. He clearly knows how to use the words properly, and being fluent in an "old fashioned" language pattern will be useful as he does more high school level reading. I think it's great. I teach a co-op class with a lot of writing assignments, and the only time this kind of writing is problematic is when it appears to be clearly done for effect, rather than a natural expression of the student's voice. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendall Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 Thank you! Your comments were very instructive. I'm going to learn so much from this forum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt_Uhura Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 I didn't have an issue with his word choice at all. I agree about naming the parasite early on or at least in the sentence where he introduced the word "satiris" he should have said something like "The parasite, sitaris, clambered up onto the bee's back...." Great job! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendall Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 at least in the sentence where he introduced the word "satiris" he should have said something like "The parasite, sitaris, clambered up onto the bee's back...." Great job! Thanks, I hadn't thought about that option. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Dulcimeramy Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 My sons are outgrowing their tendency to write like the Bronte sisters. I used to worry about it very much, but maturity and an increasing awareness of the language around them are causing them to unconsciously update their writing style. Does the change of person in the fifth sentence bother you? "...you end up with about a hundred stingers in you." This stuck out to me. I'd have him keep it within Fabre's experience instead of dragging the reader through time and space. I don't know if anyone else would agree. Thanks for sharing your son's writing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendall Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 My sons are outgrowing their tendency to write like the Bronte sisters. LOL! Last year he was writing summaries from a WWII book by Churchill and they sounded like Churchill. I'm glad to know it will be tempered with maturity. Thanks for the comment about the sentence with you. Someone in a different setting commented on that as well, making note that it was inconsistent with the tone as well as the person. Your comment gave me a more complete understanding of the 'error'. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalmia Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 When I mentioned to my son that he was speaking as if he were from a different century, he told me that it was my fault "Mommmmm, if you didn't make me read all those old books I wouldn't be speaking this way!" :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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