What would you do?.. elderly woman near the end

[ccmom]

I have an elderly neighbor. She lost her husband one year ago. I really do not know her very well, but when she lost her husband we got to know her, as we are the only people who have been available to help her. I've been doing her shopping on a weekly basis and checking up on her to make sure she is alright. We visit, talk, and just enjoy each other's company. She is 85 years old and her mind is still very sharp. Physically, up until about one week ago, she's been fine. She has a watch dog who is vicious to strangers (including me), so whenever I come over she puts him in the back room. She has grown to trust me, but I describe her as being generally not trusting.

 

What I am leading up to is this, and please pardon my straightforwardness. I think she is beginning to lose her faculties and may be coming close to her end on this earth. For the past week she has had back pains. Last week I didn't think too much of it because she seemed to be confident that she'd be ok. Her spirits were up, we visited, and I did the normal shopping and vaccuuming. However, into the next week, she is still having these pains and she is beginning to withdraw from me. She does not want to see a doctor or leave her house. I know tht she worries about leaving her dog alone, and no one else can take care of him because he is vicious to strangers (not to her, though). I suspect she has other reasons for not going to the doctor, particularly since the tragic death of her husband. The hospital workers were not very compassionate with her.

 

She is beginning to withdraw from me and I suspect she might be coming close to dying. She told me that she didn't need me to come vaccuum or do any shopping, which is very unusual. The thing is that I believe she needs help, but I can't help her. If she was my mother, I would put her in the car and take her to the doctor, but when all is said and done, I am just her neighbor. I know that her back hurts, so she is afraid to take a shower, so I don't think she had a shower for going on 2 weeks. After a week, her carpets must be getting bad due to the dog hair. I am guessing she might be embarrassed, because she is very aware of how she looks and is very proud (she is Japanese). She has said that she would never want to be in a nursing home. She wants to stay home.

 

If I call social services, it would be a betrayal, especially after she was treated with so little compassion. It doesn't matter how kind a social service worker might act towards her, if they take her away and make her leave her dog and home, she would not handle it well at all and I honestly believe that would be cruel. I am sure she wants to die in her own home, not in a cold nursing facility.

 

I don't have a legal right to interfere, but I want to help her and it seems wrong to do nothing and pretend she's fine. The truth is that I really don't know her that well after one year. Her only family that I know of is her sister in law, but she shared with me that her sister in law was not very kind to her. Of course, I don't know anything about their relationship because it's between them.

 

After pondering this, I am considering calling the sister in law (who lives out of state) to see if she can check up on her, but I wouldn't want my neighbor to know this. He sister in law might just call social services, though. My neighbor would resent me for it. It seems like it would be better than social services, but maybe not. If it were *my* mother in law (who has been nothing but evil to us), I would rather die than have her her bug into MY life, so I can understand if their relationship is turbulant that it might not be a good thing to have her sister in law interfere.

 

I don't know what else to do.

 

The bottom line is this: Should I interfere or just let her be?

[NorthwestMom]

You should interfere. You need to call the sister in law.

 

She could be becoming confused by some easily reversible condition, such as low B12 or interacting prescription medication. She needs to be seen by a doctor, ideally one who has been informed of her previous experience. Many gerontologists are used to dealing with reluctant and frightened patients.

 

It would also be really kind if you helped her family think through long-range plans for the dog. He is headed for euthanasia if he can't behave for anyone but her.

 

It's a very sad situation, but she is lucky to have you for a neighbor!

[mom4him]

You may have already done this but I would visit her and let her know that have come to care about her and NEED to know that she is OK. That you really enjoy helping her and have missed not doing these things. There are in home nursing assistance buisnesses around here that come in and help the elderly but I don't know were you are living and her financial situations. I guess I would just simply keep going over and try to let her know it is because you care.

One other thought, is there any way that you could start to make friends with her dog? If she could see that her dog is beginning to trust you maybe it would give her thought to having you continue to come and help.

Another though, possibly suggest that she go to a different medical facility than what took care of her husband. A totally different Dr might make a difference.

I don't know if any of this helps but hope you do find a sulution.