Challenges with almost 10 yo dd - rant

[HSMom2One]

I've always known that she is strong willed, expressive and challenged by the fact that she is being raised as an only child (older kids are grown and gone). What this often means is that she is mirroring adult behavior back at us... but it seems that lately dd is pushing dh and I harder. She is starting to demand equal treatment, and I'm having to stand up more and more to explain to her that this is not a democracy. Today we have had two disputes over this issue. I have had to tell her to stop talking, and she doesn't know how to for some reason. She doesn't understand that when mom or dad says to be quiet, you have to comply and submit.

 

So now we are having time out, with dd in her room where she is supposed to be thinking about talking to parents with respect. I've told her that some times its better to discuss some things later after having time to think, pray and maybe cool down.

 

I raised three sons before her, and dealt with teen and pre-teen behavior, rebellion, etc. but she has them beat. They were never as sassy as this girl can be. On the most dd is a wonderful delight and I wouldn't trade being her mother for anything. I just feel especially challenged with dealing with this early resistence to authority.

 

Is anyone else out there experiencing a challenge with a daughter this age? Also, I'm very open to any suggestions. Right now I am standing firm and not going soft on the issue, but I am tired of feeling like a tyrant and having to remind her that I am the parent and that she is the child.

 

Thanks for letting me rant.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Niffercoo]

Lucinda, no advice, but lots and lots of understanding. My daughter just turned 10 a week ago, and while she's always been difficult, lately it seems to have escalated. I chalked it up to her being a middle child, and between two siblings on the autism spectrum as well. But maybe it's her personality? It drives me nuts that for a child as smart as she is, she cannot seem to figure out when to SHUT UP. And no manner of discipline seems to work with her at all. She's not even intimidated by my father, and he can still make ME cry with just a look! ;)

 

I'll be reading this thread eagerly. I read the other one about the book on attachment, thinking I missed something to do with attachment with her because of being so busy with all the autism around her. But it doesn't sound as if your dd had any sort of competition for attention, yet what you describe in your daughter sounds so familiar to me!

 

Let's hope we both live through it! :)

[AnnetteW]

Lucinda,

 

You probably have a really amazing child. Most likely you could write a book on child raising since you have been fortunate enough to have successfully raised 5 sons. Before you know it, you'll be getting ready to dress up as Mother of the Bride. I'm sure you are already aware of how fast the years past.

 

You are the best mom God could have given your daughter.

 

Annette

[HSMom2One]

Thank you, Annette! You gave me a smile on an otherwise dreary PNW day that has been -well- not the best. :001_smile:

 

I'd like to take the credit for raising all five of our sons. But two of them were raised by my husband since we have a blended family. I did give birth to and raise three of them though, and I guess that does make me a veteran.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Storm Bay]

Is anyone else out there experiencing a challenge with a daughter this age? Also, I'm very open to any suggestions. Right now I am standing firm and not going soft on the issue, but I am tired of feeling like a tyrant and having to remind her that I am the parent and that she is the child.

 

Thanks for letting me rant.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

 

How about 2 challenging dd's? One is a year older than yours, and the other 4 years older. My eldest has always been rather like that, but my second became a whole lot more like that about a year ago. To make it worse, they're constantly telling my 8 yo ds what to do, even if they're not doing what they're supposed to be doing.

 

With really strong willed children there's not necessarily any quick or easy fix to this. My 10 yo can be quiet better than my 13 yo, but my 13 yo is definitely learning. Not all the time or always on cue, but certainly much better than she used to. My dc can have the last word in a conversation when it's amiable, but not when they're being rude. However, I've also learned that it's usually wisest to let my dd's calm down before we talk (hormones are raging around here.)

 

Judging from your curricula and your comment about prayer, you're Christian. I teach them about how God has set things up with the parents in charge. Sometimes it gets as simple as "Children obey your parents." They're smart enough to know that if I were to tell them to jump off of a bridge not to jump, but that they do have to do their school, chores, etc. Not that they always want to. But I also teach them ways to help them vent their frustrations. Physical exercise can help, but also, to whom they ought to complain and how to get out of that rut. I point out that the Psalmists often complained to God, but then gradually got back to being right with God. Sometimes, the Psalmists were obviously wrong ("I was like a beast before you..."). I also teach them that if they don't like what they have to do that I'm happy to discuss it if they can tell me calmly. It doesn't necessarily mean that I'll change my mind, but I'll listen.

 

Another thing that I do is to listen to my dd's when they yell at me in frustration. Sometimes, they give me huge hints as to how to work with them that I make a mental note of to apply later. I also try to bring up the things that they do well. Once in a while, I even do it while I'm disciplining them if it fits.

 

I know a woman who raised 6 kids, 4 of them girls, who didn't get pushed to the extreme until she had her sixth. Some dc are just much more challenging to raise than most other dc.

 

I was the only girl in my classes at my time that I ever knew of who would talk back rudely to teachers, so in one sense the apple isn't falling too far from the tree in some respects. However, there are many things they'll say to me that I would have never dared to say to my parents.

 

I choose to look at each personality trait they have as being able to be turned for the better. A strong willed child who learns to be steadfast will be very steadfast and not as easily swayed by others. My kids are learning to speak their minds, and need to be taught how to do that in a socially acceptable, loving fashion. I point out to them that if dh or I are cranky, the other usually tries to leave them alone until they get back to their normal happy selves--everyone gets cranky sometimes (okay, there may be someone somewhere that doesn't, but that would be a very, very rare person.) However, they are not allowed to take their crankiness out on others. With all those raging hormones, they're getting cranky a lot. And in my family, it takes us far longer to go through all of those changes as it does most people.

 

Your dd is very likely starting some hormonal changes, and you may wish to google tanner stages to learn more about them. Nearly 10 is a very normal age for this. She may need some extra understanding, but at the same time can't think she can get away with being like that. Tough call. But there are times when my 10 yo just needs a good cuddle, and, because she's nearing 11, I forget about that when we're really busy. Sometimes, she needs to sit on my lap to calm down, and it's hard to recognize that when I'm so busy disciplining them some days.

 

On the bright side, we have some lovely days and times. My 10 yo loves to teach and help people, including kids with special needs. She's a great little artist, loves history, has a fabulous, if sometimes misplaced, sense of humour and fun. She's thrilled that I'm crocheting her a scarf for her birthday (tight finances) even if it will have some mistakes in it. She likes to sew, at least sometimes, and I don't bother to tell her it's girlie (I didn't even touch how challenging she is when it comes to what she wears). Even though she wants to have 13 dc like Sojourner Truth did, she wants to dress like a boy right now, as much as she can with girls clothes. My eldest has great qualities, too, but she's so much older and this is turning into a very long post!

[chai]

I am exactly where you are at. I have a 10 year-old daughter who talks like a little adult, but has to learn that she can't. My dd is also a great, kind and considerate kid, she is just at a point in life where she needs to learn how to speak appropriately with adults in charge (i.e., her parents.) I can't suggest any more than you are already doing: Be firm, keep your cool, and show respect for her feelings.

[HSMom2One]

Thanks for the helpful replies with encouragement. All of the posts were very helpful to me. Its so encouraging to hear from other moms with dds the same age as mine. Yesterday was rough, but today is making up for it. For some reason the school day has progressed easily.

 

Dd spent time in her room yesterday and actually decided to clean it, then came out smiling and back to her cheerful, lovely little self. The rest of the day went without a hitch. Its clear to me that she knows that she has to be pushed back at times -- that she really needs it.

 

I also realized yesterday that dd could push me around to the point that I give in out of shear frustration. I'm an older mom and it would be easy to say, "I don't need this!!" I recognized that there have been some times that I have done this -- but I'm now resolved to be more stubborn than she is!

 

Blessings,

Lucinda