Control issues w/12 yo ds...CC

[Julpost]

My ds will be 13 next month. He is just busting at the seams to get out and experience life. I think the quiet family life we have provided has really benefitted him this year, even he has said so, but I'm getting the feeling that he's getting a little stir crazy or the hormones are really kicking in.

 

I've been working hard on providing him w/a good education and yet, with his friends, he resorts to what I call "ghetto talk"...I don't say that to him, it's just what I think of it. This whole texting type of writing....his emails are full of abbreviations used in texting and just bad grammar....it's awful. I don't want to spy on him or be constanting correcting, it feels like I'm always on his case about something. Speaking clearly, correctly, writing the same, etc.

 

I guess I'm struggling w/our relationship right now. How much control should I give him over his own life? I've told him that he will gain more privileges as he shows he can handle the responsibilities he has now. He secretly emailed his friend, behind my back, and jumped off the computer when I came in. So, because of the sneakiness, he has lost computer privileges. He didn't have to sneak, I always let him email his friends. I'm also struggling w/parenting differences with his friends family. His best friends father is always alluding to his opinion that we shelter ds and if we don't let him "be himself" and have more freedom, that ds will act out "in very scary ways" in the future. He actually calls ds "Eddy Haskell"...

 

Now, ds isn't perfect, but I think he does try to do well. He tries to be respectful to adults and for the most part, he is great at home. But this idea that he's an "Eddy Haskell" makes me wonder 1) is ds snowing me and he's really a frustrated kid that is going to explode and just keeps it under wraps at home so he stays out of trouble or 2) does his friends dad not know what he's talking about and this is just a reflection in our parenting differences? For the record, his son swears constantly, has almost no boundaries, and his dad encourages him to start dating now. So, we're talking that we have significant differences.

 

I feel like a new parent. Well, I am a new parent...a new parent of a teen I guess. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't want to be raised the way I was. I'm just so confused. I don't want to mess it up. I know I need to parent but I don't want to rule w/an iron fist. Where is the boundary?

[Wendi]

My ds12 is a great kid in many ways, but not what I imagined or thought I would produce, in many ways. He's much more into pop culture than I would prefer. (I can only imagine what it would be like if he had been in school all his life.) He likes music that isn't my cup of tea; we try to make sure it's not full of inappropriate messages and bad language, but if it's "clean" we don't ban it. In some ways, it's funny how he's obviously trying so hard to be himself and distinct from me. I sing in a classical chamber group, so what kind of music does he announce he likes? Death metal, lol. So he's learning to play the guitar instead of the cello. I guess if there will be a cellist in the family, I'd better start taking lessons myself!

 

He talks much more slangily than I'd prefer, especially with his friends. As long as he's not cussing, I don't correct too much.

 

I would be concerned about your ds's friend and his family. They don't sound like they're good friends to you, to undermine and criticize your parenting, and the friend doesn't sound like such a great example to your ds. Does he have other friends that are better role models for him?

 

Wendi

[Cheryl in NM]

My ds is 12. The first thing I want to tell you is that: you WILL mess up. Every parent messes up and causes their kids baggage. I'm not talking about horrible bone wrenching baggage. I'm talking about the kid hates celery because mom made him eat it kind of baggage. So the first thing you need to do is relax.

 

I too felt that I was always on ds's case. So I decided to pick what hill I wanted to die on, to quote Dr. Laura. Bad grammar and text abbreviations in emails to his friends is perfectly acceptable and allows him to express himself and rebel in a harmless way. Notes and letters to parents, grandparents, etc must be written with proper grammar.

 

That's about all I have for you. As I said, I'm in the throes of this right now also. I'm just sharing what I've learned from parenting my step-kids, who both came to me and told me I wasn't as bad as they thought I was when they were 11-16!

[MamaT]

I have four sons, and the three oldest are 15, 21, 22. So I've been there three times already - and it's not easy. My youngest son is 10, so I've got one more go-round.

 

I would let him express himself in ways that are not harmful - slang, text abbreviations, etc. Privacy is not a right at that age in our home. We require our children to give us their email passwords, etc. and check up on them occasionally. The "friend" of your son doesn't sound like a good influence. When we've come up against that one, we allow the friend in our home, but do not allow our child in theirs (especially if his dad feels free to express his opinions about your parenting style). I would encourage him to spend time with friends that have parents with a style of parenting that is similar to yours.

 

At that age I always tried to correct without sounding attacking. They get so defensive. It helps to take an interest in whatever HE is interested in right now too. Even if it bores you stiff, fake it and act interested. If you don't, he will just stop talking to you and it is hard to get that back.

[FlockOfSillies]

My oldest is only 9, but I'm already looking forward to the teen years. I've begun reading Age of Opportunity by Paul David Tripp.

[katemary63]

I have four sons, and the three oldest are 15, 21, 22. So I've been there three times already - and it's not easy. My youngest son is 10, so I've got one more go-round.

 

I would let him express himself in ways that are not harmful - slang, text abbreviations, etc. Privacy is not a right at that age in our home. We require our children to give us their email passwords, etc. and check up on them occasionally. The "friend" of your son doesn't sound like a good influence. When we've come up against that one, we allow the friend in our home, but do not allow our child in theirs (especially if his dad feels free to express his opinions about your parenting style). I would encourage him to spend time with friends that have parents with a style of parenting that is similar to yours.

 

At that age I always tried to correct without sounding attacking. They get so defensive. It helps to take an interest in whatever HE is interested in right now too. Even if it bores you stiff, fake it and act interested. If you don't, he will just stop talking to you and it is hard to get that back.

 

:iagree::iagree:Good stuff. I would have a hard time letting my kid spend time around that father with out me or dh there.

[wide eyes & laughter]

I grew up in a home - a good upbringing but where communication wasn't encouraged or facilitated. Therefore, I now work hard at being accessible to my dc while they are young (10, 8, 6) to facilitate open dialogue. I try hard not to coerce them into the "right" path or "right" idea, rather I ask them questions to draw them out. Then I listen. Lots of times they come back and ask questions later b/c they've been processing or b/c our discussion was interrupted.

 

Personally, I would think nothing of (and have done so already w/mine) sitting with ds and stating clearly that I know I am not a perfect mom and have made mistakes in raising you already. I would explain that at the same time, God placed me here in your life to instruct you, guide you, help you and I'm so thankful He did b/c I'm thankful I get to parent you. I would also find ways to show him how much I value him, love him, *like* him. I would ask him about his feelings b/c the moment I invalidate his feelings, I also nullify my influence in his life.

 

Whatever it takes to have open dialogue with him - to pave the way if it has become closed. Anger, rebellion would be red flags in my mind to show the lines of communication have become clogged.

 

When I was pre-teen, hormones raging, etc, my folks did not validate my feelings. This is where they lost me. We all tend to parent according to our experiences.... These are some of mine and I hope it helps somehow,

 

Cheryl

[Moni]

It helps to take an interest in whatever HE is interested in right now too. Even if it bores you stiff, fake it and act interested. If you don't, he will just stop talking to you and it is hard to get that back.

.

 

Yes,

:iagree:

 

:seeya:

[Ria]

This whole texting type of writing....his emails are full of abbreviations used in texting and just bad grammar....it's awful.

 

It's not awful. It's different. It's how e-communication is these days. Don't sweat it, and try not to judge your son for it, either. If you are allowing him to communicate via electronic means, you should accept this as how it's done these days and move on. Let his communication talk remain his own (I'm not advocating privacy here, but I am advocating a hands-off approach in terms of correcting or commenting on his communication style. Obviously, if the content of the communication is a problem you should step in immediately.)

 

Of much greater concern to me would be his friend and the friend's father. Both sound like bad influences. Is there any way you can encourage other friendships? Maybe a sports team where he can meet other kids?

 

Ria