How to handle a poor/terrible quality Mother's Day gift when someone is sending it remotely?

[katilac]

"The flowers arrived this afternoon and I put them on the foyer table. Thanks so much for thinking of me!" 

Full stop. It's just flowers, and you said pretty insignificant to their finances, so just take the win of them thinking of you and sending something and move on. 

9 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I think your son should have the good sense to order from a florist instead of a grocery store.  Grocery store flowers are notoriously poor quality.  

Eh, it really has nothing to do with having good sense. Not every person is going to know the very best way to order X, Y, or Z. 

Also, at least two of the grocery stores near me have quite beautiful flowers. They might be going by what they see in their own area. 

9 hours ago, Halftime Hope said:

I didn't identify that it was my son, just one of my kids.  On an everyday basis, this store usually has decent (inexpensive) flowers, although I wouldn't send from there if it were me.  I'd do nice flowers via Instacart from Costco, if not from a florist I trusted.

Maybe I just need to tell them that the store is terrible for holidays, and I'd prefer a gift card to the local nursery, since the quality is so bad on holidays.  ?? If you (all) were the gift-giver, would that feel bad/unappreciative to you?  (I suspect how we got here in the first place was that it was a last minute scramble, a forgotten task, the first year they did it.)

I'd be fine with my m-i-l telling me that a bouquet was noticeably not up to par. She does always send a pic when they arrive anyway. I think I'd be somewhat taken aback if she flat-out said what we were sending really wasn't up to par in general and asked for a gift card next year instead, and we have a good relationship (and I'm an old adult, not a young one, lol). I think a lot of people would get their feelings hurt in general. 

I think it's very safe to assume that a somewhat aloof young adult, no matter the reason for being aloof, is going to think that's a bad/unappreciative response. It seems like they have given you inexpensive, last-minute gifts for the last two years, and I can see how that might hurt your feelings. They may well be being thoughtless, and it might be part of what they're working through relationship-wise (consciously or not), but the best signal you can give is that you're happy to accept what they're willing to give. That doesn't mean let them walk all over you, but it does mean just saying thank you for gifts instead of requesting something else, saying you'll be glad to see them for a day when they come into town rather than commenting on how little time it is, and so forth. 

That doesn't mean I don't recognize how hurtful it can be, though. I just think that least said, soonest mended is probably the way to go. I don't think you can compare this to wilted bouquets and such in other situations, because this is a very particular situation. 

[Halftime Hope]

12 hours ago, katilac said:

"The flowers arrived this afternoon and I put them on the foyer table. Thanks so much for thinking of me!" 

Full stop. It's just flowers, and you said pretty insignificant to their finances, so just take the win of them thinking of you and sending something and move on. 

Eh, it really has nothing to do with having good sense. Not every person is going to know the very best way to order X, Y, or Z. 

Also, at least two of the grocery stores near me have quite beautiful flowers. They might be going by what they see in their own area. 

I'd be fine with my m-i-l telling me that a bouquet was noticeably not up to par. She does always send a pic when they arrive anyway. I think I'd be somewhat taken aback if she flat-out said what we were sending really wasn't up to par in general and asked for a gift card next year instead, and we have a good relationship (and I'm an old adult, not a young one, lol). I think a lot of people would get their feelings hurt in general. 

I think it's very safe to assume that a somewhat aloof young adult, no matter the reason for being aloof, is going to think that's a bad/unappreciative response. It seems like they have given you inexpensive, last-minute gifts for the last two years, and I can see how that might hurt your feelings. They may well be being thoughtless, and it might be part of what they're working through relationship-wise (consciously or not), but the best signal you can give is that you're happy to accept what they're willing to give. That doesn't mean let them walk all over you, but it does mean just saying thank you for gifts instead of requesting something else, saying you'll be glad to see them for a day when they come into town rather than commenting on how little time it is, and so forth. 

That doesn't mean I don't recognize how hurtful it can be, though. I just think that least said, soonest mended is probably the way to go. I don't think you can compare this to wilted bouquets and such in other situations, because this is a very particular situation. 

While I really found your whole post helpful, and I appreciate the time you put into it, I did want to address the part that I bolded. In years past, they have sent a gift card for several different occasions, so that was their idea, because they know that gardening and the nursery are a favorite. It's not that the flowers are not "up to par in general," it's that this store cannot stock enough good flowers for this occasion/the demand. This kid buys nice flowers at their local grocery store, and routinely has them in their home. (That's more info than I shared in the original post.) They genuinely don't know what is going on here.

All that said, I'm going to think "bigger picture": the flowers are not important; the relationship is. I'm grateful to all who have helped me sort that out. 

 

 

Edited May 16, 2023 by Halftime Hope

[Halftime Hope]

18 hours ago, wintermom said:

I've had something similar happen last year after my father passed away. The flower delivery left the flowers outside on the step in the evening in February when it was - 20. When we finally noticed the box in the morning the flowers were dead. The flowers were from a close, elderly family member, and there was no way I was going to let her know what happened. This was in no way her fault, and the price of the flowers was something she were likely comfortable with. 

I contacted the flower delivery company and they offered to send a new delivery of flowers, but I chose chocolates instead, as they couldn't guarantee the next delivery would be any different. I figured that chocolates could stand the cold in case we didn't notice the delivery. Every other flower delivery (and there were many) phoned before sending the delivery person. 

In similar circumstances, I've done exactly what you did. In a one-off situation like this, very unlikely to ever happen again, I'd would just write a thank you note for the "lovely [color] arrangement which brightened our spirits and made us feel very loved." etc, etc. There is no reason for the giver to know what actually happened to something they could not control.