Nonfiction Essay

[Shoes+Ships+SealingWax]

I’d like some feedback on DS’ essay, if anyone is willing. He started paragraph writing at the end of last year & has just begun stringing them together into short essays. Our current focus is on tying paragraphs together & how to write an introduction / conclusion. 

ETA: He is missing one sentence at the beginning of his second body paragraph (skipped it when copying from his draft). It should begin: “How are they able to migrate so far?” 

[Essay removed for privacy]

Edited February 21, 2022 by Shoes+Ships+SealingWax

[Green Bean]

Good job!

[Porridge]

It’s great!! The paragraphs are well organized with a single main focus, topic sentence, and supporting details. The sentence structure is varied and interesting. 👏

[Shoes+Ships+SealingWax]

1 hour ago, WTM said:

It’s great!! The paragraphs are well organized with a single main focus, topic sentence, and supporting details. The sentence structure is varied and interesting. 👏

Thanks.

He struggled with the introduction & conclusion - he feels like he’s “just repeating himself” (his words). Someone mentioned the upside-down triangle method of writing an introduction, which I think he would appreciate as a guide until he develops his own voice a bit more - though it’s more tailored toward an argumentative essay than a purely informational one. He really didn’t have a thesis at all, with arguable exception of the final sentence of the essay. 

Edited January 26, 2022 by Shoes+Ships+SealingWax

[Porridge]

I wouldn’t expect a thesis for this kind of paper. I’m no expert, but I think of thesis as being necessary for persuasive writing, not so much for expository writing. It’s clearly a report about penguins. He’s not arguing a specific point of view about penguins, so he doesn’t need that type of thesis. He just needs to clearly state the topic and capture the reader’s attention.