Anyone have experience with emotionally focused couples therapy?

[Hyacinth]

Anything you can share? Pros? Cons? What you wish you knew going in? What you’d do differently? Thanks. 

[Emily Eärendil]

I'm a counselor and my Masters is in Marriage and Family Therapy. So this answer is more on the clinical side of things. Although don't get me wrong- I've been to marital therapy as needed-just never EFT. 

I would say the pros are that, when done well, it helps members of a couple empathize more deeply with the other's experience and that compassion can help bring about meaningful change. Couples who have had difficulty "being there" with one another are often able to connect on an emotional level that's been missing and walk away from counseling feeling more on the same team. People who know they want their relationship to work and want to work on areas of conflict or unhappiness report that they find EFT to be powerful and helpful. There's good efficacy literature supporting its effectiveness as well.

The cons are that it's become trendy, so many newly trained counselors are offering it without a great deal of experience; and, for this type of counseling, you want someone with extensive training and supervision in EFT and who has many clinical hours doing under his or her belt. Additionally, if there is a history of abuse (especially the subtle emotional or verbal kind), this particular type of counseling wouldn't be the best choice, as it could be harmful to the abused spouse. And if one partner's foot is out the door, this is less likely to be effective. In fairness, though, that's true of marital counseling in general.

So going in, I'd want details about the training of the counselor, where they received it, who supervised it, how many client couples they've worked with, etc. I'd do some self-evaluation or talk through my marital dynamics with a trusted friend and note any red flags I've mentioned that you or they might see. If all of that checks out, I'd predict you'd probably have a positive experience. EFT is having a moment right now for a reason. People really like it.

As mentioned, I haven't been to EF marital counseling, but I think what I would do differently in the counseling I have gotten is "go earlier and be more radically honest more quickly." Wishing you the best of luck!

 

[YaelAldrich]

My husband and I are still married only because of EFT marital therapy. Really. I was so ready to leave him.  I am forever grateful to the therapist! She brought us together and explained to him (and me) that he was never trained to be an emotional support to anyone and she (and his personal therapist) worked with him see the need for it. She taught us how to talk openly and in a vulnerable way to each other in a safe space.

You do want someone who has been extensively trained in this style as there are a lot of people who've done the lightest amount of training. And of course you'll both have to mesh with that person. 

If you're in the Boston area I have two wonderful recommendations. One takes insurance, the other doesn't. Please feel free to PM for more details.

Edited July 14, 2020 by YaelAldrich