Body image

[SarahW]

I do give her some control. She gets to pick her hairstyle as long as she can maintain it. She can pick out clothing but I have final veto power. I really don't let her dress more mature because she has a way of looking a lot older than she is. I had her picture taken when she was nine and people thought she was 14. That worries me so I try to keep her away from certain styles and make up. I don't see the need for make before the age of 16.

 

She mostly picks out very age appropriate styles so it isn't much of a worry yet.

 

I'm sure she's just going through normal girl stuff. I do worry since a lot of her friends are either tall and skinny or are just by nature stick thin. The next time she asks I have something picked out to say. She is generally mature and will probably be a kids who grows into understanding in a couple years.

 

I'm feeling better after asking.

 

Kelly

 

 

Yeah, I won't bore you with my life story, but it sounds like your dd is an "early bloomer"? In that case it may be that her appearance is garnering negative attention from girls her own age. Girls at that age can be very petty, and make their own, in their own minds sadly underdeveloped, bosom into a tool to accuse a girl without that "problem" of all sorts of things. While magazine covers may display the "boy-figure" as the feminine ideal, even preteen girls can figure out what actual sexual attraction consists of. Your dd "I'm not pretty" statements may be defense mechanism for dealing with things she's having a hard time understanding.

 

If this is the case I think you are better off downplaying any mention of her physical form, including any comments from her own dad. Work instead on her self-confidence so that she feels comfortable with her body and assured that her body doesn't make her into someone she is not. I don't know if that makes sense at all, and yes, eventually she will grow into understanding. But between now and then she may benefit from some coping skills that allows her to deal with any negative attention she gets in a healthy way.

[KungFuPanda]

I'll answer a few things:

1. What do I mean by preoccupied? She has been asking me if she looks fat in a certain shirt, She said she wanted to try ballet but she didn't think she could because she isn't skinny like most professional ballerinas. Things like that.

2. Get her into a sport/dance. She's been in Tae Kwondo and softball for the last 4 years. She is an active kid. She might be quitting Tae Kwondo for a while and starting ballet.

3. Don't say much or I will make it worse. I really haven't said much. I did ask her if someone said something to her because she asked me right after softball if she looked fat in her jersey. Other than that I do tell her she's beautiful and not just when she asks if she looks fat. I'd love for my dh to tell her also but even with me most of the time I look "fine". I loathe the word fine.

 

I'd encourage her to try dance if she wants. No, she won't be a professional ballerina, but ballet is a good base for other dance forms that aren't burdened by body type issues. Bellydancing looks better with some curves, but serious bellydance students are better off with some background in ballet.

 

I'd make sure she understands that everyone is out there working with what they've got. I don't think that teaching her to apply make-up well (when she's older) will feed the preoccupation. Just because you'd prefer a nice, neat paint job in your house over a lousy messy one it doesn't mean that you are overly obsessed with looks. I LOVE seeing photos of celebrities without make-up or pictures of women dressed differently where the wardrobe choice makes a huge impact. It comes down to confidence and working with what you have and I think that is empowering.

 

FWIW, I feel your pain. I have a 16-year-old daughter. The fact that "thigh gap" is an issue JUST hit my radar. I asked her if teens really talked about this. She confirmed that they DO. It's nuts!